Edge of Disaster (7 page)

Usually people immediately try to tell me it’s not my fault and blah blah blah. And then they try to hug me and get all sappy assed with me.  He did none of that.  But what he did do was get on his knees in front of me and took my hands in his. He looked me dead on in the eyes and asked me one question.

“Did you mean for your car to flip and crash into that tree and for Peter to die as a result of it?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then Alexia, you’re going to have to find a way in your heart and soul to forgive yourself.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, I’m sure.  But that accident wasn’t your fault.  Now if you sat there and told me you wanted that car to crash, we’d have an entirely different matter.  It doesn’t mean anything that you were arguing.  People argue and fight all the time. But they don’t die doing it.  It just happened. Can you understand what I’m telling you?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Then please try to forgive yourself.  Peter would if he were here.  God has forgiven you.  Now it’s up to you sweetheart.”

No one had ever put it like that to me before. I would never have wanted Peter to die that night. I didn’t mean for anything like that to happen.  It was an accident.

“Find a way Alexia. Don’t let this destroy your life.”

I just sat there and nodded.

“There are other things about me you need to know, but I’m not ready to share those just yet.”

“Okay. When you are, just say the word.”

He sat back down next to me and picked up my hand and kissed the back of it.  Then he faced me and took his hands and wrapped them around my face. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll help you if you’ll let me.”

I put my hands on his and touched my forehead to his. Something about him made me want to wrap myself around him and hold on for dear life. But I wouldn’t ever do that to him until he knew the whole truth about me. I hadn’t slept with anyone since the Beavis and Butthead incident.  All those tests I had came back negative so I was healthy, thank God. But still. I had truly whored around and not remembered most of it.  And the drugs too.  He had to know before we entered into any kind of relationship.  I would give him an out, because he was too good for me in my book anyway.

“I just might do that.  But then you just might hate me.”

“I won’t ever hate you.  I can promise you that.”

“Pearce, don’t make promises you can’t keep. Look, I’m filled with some really nasty baggage.  That attack is just one more thing added to the mix. I’m a lot to take on. Um, can we change the subject here?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He released me, but I got the sense it was reluctantly.  Then he stood up and held out his hand.

“Come with me please.  I’d like to show you something.”

We walked up a long flight of stairs, which was common in the old homes of Charleston since most of them had twelve foot ceilings. When we reached the top, I followed him to another flight of stairs and we climbed it. He led me through a door and we walked out on his rooftop.  It was then I noticed we were on a widow’s walk and we had a view of the Charleston harbor in one direction and a view of downtown in the other.

“This is amazing! I bet it’s gorgeous in the daylight.”

“Yeah, except in the summer it’s so damn hot you can’t walk out here after eight in the morning.”

“I can imagine.  But this is great. Look at all the stars.”

“They really pop on a crisp night like tonight.”

He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to him.

“Is this okay Alexia?”

“Hmm. Yeah, Pearce, it’s more than okay. You have to understand something.  I’m not hesitant because of me. I’m only this way because of you.  It’s for your protection.”

“Well then, why don’t you stop worrying about me for a while.  I’m a big boy and can take care of myself.”

“I’ve noticed.”

He bent his head into my hair and inhaled.  “I love the way you smell Alexia.”

Something, I don’t know what, made me turn in his arms and the next thing I knew we were kissing.  Not testing the waters kind of kissing, but full blown sparks flying, knees turning to Jell-o kind of kissing. My back was suddenly against the door and somehow he’d lifted me up and my legs were wrapped around his waist.  His shirt was out of his pants and my hands were on his warm, smooth skin. And dear God, I’d never felt heat like this before.  Never. Not even with Peter. It was nirvana.

I wanted to tear off my clothes and feel every inch of his naked skin next to mine. I wanted to run my hands across his chest and lick every inch of his body. I’d never had the urge to do that with anyone. Ever.

He lifted his head and looked directly into my eyes.  Those smoky gray orbs of his were half closed and heavy with passion.  They were reaching into my mind and asking that question, and I knew I had to say no, but I didn’t want to. I wanted this moment to go on and on, with my body wrapped in his warm embrace.

“I want to but I can’t...not until you know everything about me.  Then you’ll have to decide if you want to continue down this path Pearce.”

“Then talk to me Alexia. Tell me what I need to know.”

“Like this?”

“Yes, like this. Here. Now.”

I licked my lips and swallowed.  I had to find the courage to tell him the truth.  It wasn’t easy but I forced the words out of my mouth.

“I moved here after Peter died.  Everyone I knew blamed me for his death so I had to get out of Lynchburg. When I got here I started partying...hard.  Really hard.  Not just alcohol.  Drugs.  Coke and weed mostly.  Other stuff too like X. Nothing in the vein. Mainly pills. Anyway, I...” I dropped my head and squeezed my eyes shut and forced my breath through my lips. Taking another deep one, I rubbed my forehead and then my eyes. “I, hell, I really fucked around a lot.  A lot Pearce.  Not just a few times. This went on for three years so you can imagine. One morning I woke up between two guys I didn’t even know.  Fuck, the truth is I didn’t know any of them. I didn’t want to know any of them. And if you ask me why, I can’t tell you.  After that last stint, my friend Terri picked me up and made me go and get tested.  Thank God I’m healthy. But I made the decision then to change. I stopped it all...no drugs, drinking, clubs anything. The only alcohol I’ve had has been with you. I don’t have a drinking problem. I don’t even want the stuff. I haven’t been in a club or a bar since that night with you...that night I was attacked. Anyway, I thought you should know all of this before...so now that you do I guess you’ll want to take me home.”

I wiggled a bit but he only held me tighter.

Why wasn’t he putting me down?

“Alexia, you have to stop making decisions for me. I told you I was a big boy and I meant it. Now, as for your behavior, I can’t say I like what you’ve done because it would be a lie.  I can’t even say I understand it but I think I know why you did it.  You have this self-loathing thing going on and it’s part of that. You were giving yourself more of a reason to continue to hate yourself. I’m glad you stopped, I’m glad you got tested and I’m ecstatic you’re healthy. You’re obviously not an addict, to alcohol or drugs, or you’d have gone back to them way before now.  Just so we’re clear on all of this, you are responsible for your actions here, but you’ve cleaned up your ways and everyone fucks up.  You’ve learned from your mistakes so you need to forgive yourself and move on. Okay?”

I nodded, feeling this burden had been lifted.

“Now will you go out to dinner with me?”

I started laughing my ass off and so did he.

“Will you do something for me?” he asked.

“Yes, what?”

“Will you go to counseling? You’ve been through entirely too much shit to handle this on your own.”

He felt me stiffen and he raised his brows.

“I did and it made me worse.”

“Then you had a shitty counselor.  I know someone who’s excellent. Will you go?”

I scrunched up my face and looked at him.

“Under one condition. If he makes me call my parents, I call it quits with your friend. I refuse to call my parents.”

“Fine.  Just be up front about that.”

I nodded and agreed.  “Are your arms not about to give out?”

“Alexia, my hands are on your lovely ass.  What do you think?”

I squealed when he squeezed me. And then he was kissing me all over again. Wet passionate kissing. My hands had wandered back to the exploration of his abs and my fingers stepped across the sculpted curves of his muscles. I wanted to tear his shirt off and stare and what I knew would be perfection.

The door behind me suddenly opened and we were moving through it. We went down the stairs and I’m not quite sure how he accomplished it because his lips never left mine. His tongue danced with mine and the fire that started in my belly was now raging throughout my veins, turning my body into molten lava. My hands went back up to his hair, his thick soft wavy hair, and I fisted my hands in it and held on to him tightly.

We broke apart briefly and I realized he’d stopped moving.  We were standing in the doorway of his bedroom and he was looking at me with his head tilted to the side. 

“Alexia, I want to take you in there and make fierce passionate love to you for hours on end. I want to kiss your beautiful mouth and make you beg for me to do things to you you’ve never begged for before. I want to watch you sleep when you’re so exhausted, I can’t possibly eke one more orgasm out of you.  But I won’t do that tonight. Even though I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I won’t do it tonight...not because of what you’re thinking.  I won’t do it because when we decide to do it, we decide together. For the right reasons and not in the heat of the moment.”

He started walking again and carried me back down the next flight of stairs until we were back in the main living area.

“Now that we’re here, I find that I don’t want to let you out of my arms,” he confessed.

“Then don’t.”

His lips crashed into mine again as he set me down on the sofa. I pulled him to me by grabbing his shirt and yanking him. He nearly fell on top of me, but I couldn’t have cared less. I didn’t want to let him go either.  I wanted him in my arms. I wanted to be surrounded by his warmth, his touch, his smell.  I wanted his lips on mine, his hands on my body.

“Christ Alexia, you make it difficult on a man.”

“Only you Pearce. I want you. Really want you. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”

He started to say something but I put my fingers on his mouth.

“Please, let me finish. I know what you’re going to say or maybe I don’t. But let me just get this out. You know about my past. I did all of that under the influence of either alcohol or drugs.  Other than that sip of wine I had earlier, I’m totally sober here. This may even be too much info for you, but there has never been anyone in my life I’ve wanted like I want you Pearce. I want to feel you all over. I want to run my hands over your body. Maybe I’m rushing things. I don’t know.  Maybe this isn’t what you want. If it’s not, just say the word and I’ll back off. But if you feel like I do, please don’t hold back because you think it may be more sensible or something like that.”

He rubbed his cheek against mine and asked, “Are you sure about this? The last thing I want is for you to regret anything that happens between us.”

“Regret? The only thing I’d regret is not holding you next to me and feeling your heart beat against mine.”

He was on me like a magnet. I barely got the last word out when his mouth was on mine, taking and giving at the same time. He lifted me in his arms again and I smiled against his mouth.

“I think I could get used to this,” I whispered against his lips.

“There’s no thinking about this. I know I could,” he said.

Up the stairs we went and straight through his bedroom door. He set me down on the bed and followed me there, straddling me.  He leaned back on his heels and just stared.

I slid my hands up this thighs and continued to the waist of his jeans. I ran my fingers around it and under it, dying to get my hands all over him. As I unbuttoned his shirt I felt the breath leave my lungs. The man had no body fat. An exquisitely sculpted set of abs stared at me square in the eyes. I walked my fingers across them, nearly drooling at the sight before me.

My gaze drifted back to his and his eyes were half closed as he watched me. He pulled my sweater up and gently tugged it over my head. I lowered my eyes as I felt a feeling of shyness blanket me as he watched me. He took his index finger and lightly ran it from the base of my throat down to the waist of my jeans. He stopped when he got there, and then unbuttoned my jeans. His eyes never left mine as I heard him slowly unzip them. Lifting himself off of me, he slid my jeans off after he took off my boots. While he was up, he slipped off his jeans too. I watched every move of his and gaped like a fool, because he was simply too beautiful.

He turned and looked straight into my eyes as he shed his shirt.  I wondered if he’d drop the boxers too.  I didn’t have to wonder too long because they went right after the shirt. I’m sure my heart either skipped a bunch of beats, or maybe it stopped beating altogether. I know for certain I stopped breathing...at least for an hour or so.