Edge (Gentry Boys #7) (20 page)

“You wear it well.”  He gave me a penetrating look, then slowly smiled.  “It’s because of the girl isn’t it?  The really pretty one.  I can tell you’re nuts about her.”

“She might have something to do with it. “ 

That was true. Roslyn did have something to do with the way my better angels were winning these days.  It wasn’t all because of her though.  Deck was right. A man can look at a woman and want to be the kind of man she deserves but he has to want it for himself too or it just won’t stick.  And I planned to make these revisions stick.   

“Any idea where you’ll go?” I asked him. 

He looked out the window, squinting into darkness.  “Nowhere cold, that’s for sure.  But somewhere a little less sun scorched than Phoenix.” 

“Shouldn’t be too hard to find a match.  I don’t think anyplace is quite as scorching as Phoenix.” 

He was staring down at his lap, his hands clutching his bag.  He looked a little scared but he’d hardly be human if he wasn’t.  Still, I had hope for him.  He was a clever kid and he seemed like he had enough of a heart to keep him whole without being soft enough to doom him.  If he made the right decisions from here on out then he had a chance.

“Conway,” Ranger said but couldn’t seem to follow it up with anymore words. 

He looked out the window and I knew he was already thinking about leaving this place behind and wondering where he’d be tomorrow. 

“I know,” I said somberly, reaching over to push the door open for him.  “And you’re welcome.” 

Ranger gave me one final grateful smile and eased out of the car, shutting the door softly behind him.  He just stood there on the other side for a minute, looking at all the people who were milling around with individual secret purposes.  Then he took his first step and started to become one of them. 

As Ranger started walking away I kept thinking about Roslyn. 

And the future.  And Jackson.  And the past.  And all my brothers, my cousins, their wives, their children. 

I pushed the button to open the window, realizing that I couldn’t let that kid go out into the wide terrifying world without sharing the only valuable piece of wisdom I’d come by these last twenty-three years. 

“Hey Ranger,” I called.  He hadn’t gotten far and he turned around, a question mark in his eyes.  “You go find your people,” I told him.  “Whoever they are.  Blood isn’t the only way to go about it.  But people are the only things in this world worth searching for, worth sacrificing for, worth keeping.  So you keep looking until you find yours, okay?” 

He cocked his head and I got the feeling he thought I was off my rocker.  But then he nodded.  “I will.”  

I kept my eyes on him until he disappeared into the small grey building where he could buy a ticket to that distant, idyllic place that wasn’t too cold or too hot.  A place he could learn to call home. 

As I backed the car out and headed for the road I had a sudden, fervent urge to see Roslyn.  I missed her all the time and I felt bad about the fact that I hadn’t really kept her in the loop lately. 

She didn’t answer when I called her phone.  I almost left a voicemail but then changed my mind.  Then I almost just drove to her apartment but I changed my mind about that too.  It was late.  She might be tired.  She might be angry at me for failing to be up front with her, for letting her believe I’d never even given a thought to a future with her. 

I’m here, baby. Don’t give up on me, not yet. 

I loved her.

I just needed to tell her that and trust that she still cared to hear it.   

ROSLYN

When I told Emily where I was going she immediately offered to go with me but I just wanted to be alone.  The drive would feel good and it seemed like so much time had passed since I’d been back to Emblem.  I had never called in sick in the year I’d worked at Homestead so no one would bat an eye. 

Phyllis was the one who answered the phone.  When I tried to sound pathetic and said I wouldn’t be in today she gently asked me if I was going to be okay. I told her yes, I was sure all would be well by Monday.  She hesitated and told me to get better over the weekend. 

My hand went instinctively to my stomach after I tossed my phone in my purse.  I wondered if anyone else could tell I was pregnant just by looking at me.  It wasn’t likely.  I wasn’t showing yet but now that I knew I could detect slight changes in my body and felt like an idiot for not recognizing them earlier.  My breasts were fuller, more tender.  My stomach, which has always been fit and firm, now felt vaguely swollen when I ran my palm over the area between my belly button and pelvic bone.  Soon it would be tougher to hide the truth. 

As for Conway, he wouldn’t have wanted to come so I didn’t call him.  Emblem wasn’t high on his destinations of choice and it wouldn’t have made a good setting for the kind of conversation we still needed to have. 

Even though I needed to head in the opposite direction to get on the freeway, I drove past the Hotel San Gabriel anyway.  In its day it must have been the crown jewel in a fledgling city but now it just looked like a tired relic trying in vain to reach for the sky.  I felt mildly guilty for ignoring Conway’s call last night but if I tried to reach him now I’d probably just wake him up and then we’d have an awkward exchange or maybe argue. 

As the San Gabriel faded in my rearview mirror I switched my phone off.  I wasn’t expecting to find any answers in Emblem.  I just wanted to visit my best friend. I wanted to remember where I’d come from.  Maybe after that I’d be able to figure out where I was going next. 

Most of the traffic was crawling into Phoenix, not leaving. There was a long, silvery line of vehicles en route to just one more workday before the weekend.  It felt liberating to head the other way.  Soon the city skyline gave way to the more subdued outline of the suburbs.  In terms of area the Phoenix metropolitan region was enormous, stretching endless arms in either direction.  I was going beyond the southeastern fringes to the town I was born in, a place people always planned on leaving if they could.   

It looked the same.  Emblem never changed much, not in the ways that made a big difference.  The sprawling prison complex was the first thing you saw when you entered the town limits.  If you kept going you would cross into the quaint historic district that still boasted a few adobe buildings left over from the wild west territorial era.  The Emblem Memorial Cemetery was impossible to miss.  It had been in the same place since the town was founded, although it had grown outwards as the need arose.   

By this time it was nearly ten o’clock in the morning.  When I parked and stepped outside I took note of how the air seemed so much fresher than it did in Phoenix.  Out here you could smell the raw desert that had been obscured by asphalt and concrete elsewhere. 

I easily found my way to Erin’s grave.  I’d been here enough times that it would have been odd if I couldn’t.  As always I felt my throat tighten with tears when I saw her name spelled out above the tragically short span of her life.  I swallowed those tears and knelt down to talk to her.  I always talked to her when I came here.  I always felt sure that she heard me. 

“Hey, sis,” I said gently as I curled my legs underneath me. 

I reached into my purse and withdrew a small tissue-wrapped mound, which I unwrapped and set at the base of the gravestone.  It was a polished moonstone that I’d found at a spiritual shop inside the mall.  The yellowing label hanging beneath the display had said moonstones were often worn as an amulet, instilling feelings of love and positive emotions in the wearer.  While I didn’t know if that was true or nonsense, I liked the sound of it and I knew Erin would have appreciated it too. 

Today I’d also worn my crystal, the one she’d given me so long ago.  As I talked I touched the chain for comfort.  I told her about Conway, then about me and Conway. At first I felt funny about it but as the words poured out something heavy in my chest began to dissolve.  If there was such a thing as the hereafter then I was afraid Erin might not want to hear that I was having the life she never got to live with Conway.  But the only feelings that washed over me were love and understanding. I told her we missed her.  I told her about the baby. 

Skeptics would insist my imagination was to blame, but when I was done talking I lowered my head and felt a soft hand touch my left shoulder in comfort.  I looked but of course I saw no one there. 

“Goodbye for now,” I told her as I stood and brushed the grass from my legs. 

My car was the only one in the parking lot.  I guess Friday morning is not a common time to visit the dead.  As I drove out of the lot toward Main Street I thought I heard my name, which would have been unlikely since the car windows were closed.  Anyway, when I craned my neck around I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary so I kept driving. 

There wasn’t really much else to do here but I didn’t feel like leaving yet.  I drove past the family diner where my tenth birthday party had been held.  I saw the elementary school where I’d played in the shade of an ancient mesquite tree and laughed with my best friend.  Finally I headed to the residential neighborhood that surrounded the historic section of downtown.  This was the decent part of Emblem where I’d lived, where Erin had lived, where Conway had lived.

My old house was unrecognizable.  The handsome red brick had been painted pink, a big flower garden had been added, and a pair of red tricycles were in the driveway.   It looked like a family lived there and I was glad.  I wondered if the owners of the tricycles slept in my old bedroom. 

The street where Erin and Conway had lived was only three blocks away.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d passed by here, but Erin’s house looked exactly the same.  In fact I decided I had to park and take a closer look because for a confusing moment I felt like I’d fallen into a time warp.  Long ago this house had been almost as familiar to me as my own.   The driveway was still cracked in exactly the same places.  The front door was unchanged.  Even the bougainvillea shrubs seemed like they had stopped growing.  I stood there at the end of the driveway and almost couldn’t believe Erin wasn’t about to come running out the front door, her long dark hair flying behind her as she laughed. 

Conway’s old house was next door but it didn’t look at all how I remembered it.  I couldn’t recall ever having been inside but it did seem like whoever the current owner was had cleaned up the exterior a bit, repairing the roof and resurfacing a broken concrete path with pavers.  I couldn’t picture Conway here in the same way I could almost see Erin standing in front of the house next door, but I knew he’d been here.  He’d probably occupied this very spot on the sidewalk between his house and Erin’s dozens of times.  The longer I stood there the more I could feel his presence nearby. 

Then I turned around and saw him. 

I must have been so lost in my own thoughts that I never heard his car drive up and park across the street.  He was leaning against the driver’s side door as if he’d been there all along. 

My first thought was that I wanted to run into his arms. 

My second thought was the one I blurted out though. 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

He crossed the street slowly, his gaze never shifting from my face.  He looked tired, unshaven, and positively gorgeous. 

“Emily said you were here,” he explained, a little sheepishly.  “I dropped by your apartment this morning, hoping to catch you before you went to work and Emily told me you were talking a drive to Emblem.  But whenever I called your phone it kept going straight to voicemail.”  He glanced over at his old house, then at Erin’s old house.  Then he swallowed and looked at me.  “I tried the cemetery first, saw you driving away. I followed you.  Didn’t you see me?”

“No.  Were you shouting my name?”

He looked puzzled.  “No.  You wouldn’t have heard me.” 

“Probably not.” 

I dropped my purse on the ground and leaned against the hood of my car.  My head suddenly felt a little funny.  I hugged my body and bent forward, worried I might fall over.

Conway was at my side instantly, one strong arm sliding across the back of my waist for support.  “What’s wrong, babe?  You sick or something?” 

I lifted my head.  “Or something.” 

“What?”

“I’m pregnant.” 

There was no gasping.  No cursing.  His arm did not budge from my waist. 

“Did you hear me, Conway?”

“I heard you,” he croaked. 

I spoke louder.  “I’m pregnant.  And just so there’s no confusion, I’m sure it’s yours.  Remember that pill I took after our careless episode of wall banging a few months ago?  Well, that pill’s not as great as I thought it was.  They should really make the warnings on the box bigger so that it’s not such a shock.  Because I was shocked.  Are you shocked?  I’m due on Christmas day which is nice because I know I won’t forget my due date.  You won’t forget it either, will you?” 

“Roslyn,” Conway said sternly.  He gripped me by the shoulders and turned me around until I faced him.  His eyes were strangely ablaze and I wondered if he was angry.  He tipped my chin up and looked at me for a moment that seemed to last forever.  “I’m not going anywhere.” 

I shook my head out of his grasp and backed away.  “You really should. Go somewhere I mean.  So should I. This is not a good place to do this.” 

Conway looked around and frowned.  Perhaps it was just now really hitting him where we were.  He shrugged and advanced a step.  “No, we’re not going anywhere just yet.  This is as good a place as any to talk.” 

I sat down on the curb beside my car.  Conway dropped down next to me. 

He took a deep breath.  “How long have you known?” he asked gently. 

“I took the first test the day of Jackson’s funeral.  But the doctor only confirmed it yesterday.”  I pulled my knees up and rested my forehead against them.  “Conway, I’m sorry.” 

“What the hell are you sorry for?” he asked. 

My tears were back.  Damn them.  They had a mind of their own these days.  “This wasn’t planned.”

“For God’s sakes, Roslyn, I know that. We were both careless. We’re both responsible.” 

I shook my head.  He wasn’t understanding my point.  “You didn’t sign on for this,” I whispered miserably.  “Being stuck like this…it’s not what you want.” 

“How do you know?” he said sharply.  Then he sighed and pressed his palm to his forehead for a second like he was in pain.  “You don’t know what I want because I don’t tell you.  That’s not your fault, it’s mine. But I spent the morning trying to catch up with you because I can’t let another hour go by without telling you.” 

I took a deep breath.  “Well here I am.  What do you want to tell me, Conway?” 

“I love you.”

He’d said it so quickly, so matter-of-factly.  As the seconds passed I stopped being sure I’d even heard him right. 

“I love you,” he said again.  He shifted positions, kneeling in front of me, holding my face in his hands.  “I love you and I want to be with you.  I don’t just mean at this moment.  I mean I want to be with you tonight, on New Year’s Eve and two years from next Saturday.”

This wasn’t making sense.  Conway didn’t say things like this.  When we were together I never doubted that I had all his attention but I also understood that he was the kind of guy who lived in the moment.  He’d even told me so. 

I shook out of his grip.  “I don’t get it.  You can hardly bring yourself to discuss plans for tomorrow and now you’re talking about where we’ll be years from now?  Remember what you said?  ‘Maybe today is all we get.’  You don’t like to think beyond today.” 

He ran a gentle finger across my cheek and I closed my eyes.  When I opened them I saw those deep blue eyes that always left me weak.  This time they were begging to be believed. 

“I was wrong.  I’m going to have faith that today is
not
all we get. By god, I’m demanding all of the tomorrows too and I want to live them with you.” 

I took his hand and pressed it to my stomach.  “There’s more than just me now.  There’s more than just us.” 

As Conway spread his palm across my stomach I watched his expression grow tender and determined all at once.  “Roslyn, this
is
us.” 

“I do love you,” I whispered.  “I love you so much.”

He shut his eyes and when he opened them I saw the tears.  “Could you say that again?” he asked. 

“I love you, Conway Gentry.” 

He took me in his arms, pulling me right into his lap and burying his face in my neck.  I held him.  I breathed him in and felt the strength of his heartbeat.  If someone were observing us from a window they probably would have wondered what kind of tragedy had reduced us to squatting on the curb in the middle of Emblem, Arizona and sobbing in each other’s arms.  There was no heartbreak here though, not today.  There was only love and understanding.