Eating Things on Sticks

Table of Contents

W
e were quite near the island now. Apart from one great lump of a hill that rose in the middle, the whole place was dead flat. There didn't seem to be a single tree on it – not even a stump.

‘Perhaps it's been used recently for bombing practice?' I couldn't help suggesting.

‘Nonsense,' said Uncle Tristram. ‘It is a wondrous sight. Wide and uncluttered. Perhaps the winters are quite harsh round here, so trees can't get established.'

‘Blown away, are they?'

‘Harry,' said Uncle Tristram testily, ‘this island is famous for its rugged beauty.'

‘So is the Gobi desert,' I snapped back, ‘but no one goes there on hols . . .'

‘
A controlled riot of invention, with a plot that embraces everything (or so it seems) from pork pies (some on sticks) to man (boy)-made floods, Morning Glory's sweet flutings to ear-crunching accents, incontinent seagulls to all those hairy chins. A laugh on virtually every one of its 180-odd pages
' C
AROUSEL

ALSO BY ANNE FINE:

Published by Corgi Books:

THE BOOK OF THE BANSHEE

THE GRANNY PROJECT

ON THE SUMMERHOUSE STEPS

THE ROAD OF BONES

ROUND BEHIND THE ICE HOUSE

THE STONE MENAGERIE

UP ON CLOUD NINE

Published by Corgi Yearling Books:

BAD DREAMS

CHARM SCHOOL

FROZEN BILLY

THE MORE THE MERRIER

A SHAME TO MISS . . .

PERFECT POEMS FOR

YOUNG READERS

IDEAL POEMS FOR MIDDLE READERS

IRRESISTIBLE POETRY FOR

YOUNG ADULTS

Other books by Anne Fine

For junior readers:

ANGEL OF NITSHILL ROAD

ANNELI THE ART-HATER

BILL'S NEW FROCK

THE CHICKEN GAVE IT TO ME

THE COUNTRY PANCAKE

CRUMMY MUMMY AND ME

DIARY OF A KILLER CAT

GENIE, GENIE, GENIE

HOW TO WRITE REALLY BADLY

IVAN THE TERRIBLE

THE KILLER CAT'S BIRTHDAY BASH

LOUDMOUTH LOUIS

A PACK OF LIARS

STORIES OF JAMIE AND ANGUS

For young people:

FLOUR BABIES

GOGGLE-EYES

MADAME DOUBTFIRE

STEP BY WICKED STEP

THE TULIP TOUCH

VERY DIFFERENT

For adult readers:

ALL BONES AND LIES

FLY IN THE OINTMENT

THE KILLJOY

OUR PRECIOUS LULU

RAKING THE ASHES

TAKING THE DEVIL'S ADVICE

TELLING LIDDY

IN COLD DOMAIN

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Epub ISBN: 9781409012597

Version 1.0

  

EATING THINGS ON STICKS

A CORGI YEARLING BOOK 978 0 440 86937 5

First published in Great Britain by Doubleday, an imprint of Random House Children's Books

A Random House Group Company

Doubleday edition published 2009

Corgi Yearling edition published 2010

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Copyright © Anne Fine, 2009

Illustrations copyright © Kate Aldous, 2009

The right of Anne Fine to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

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CR
0 4
TD

The plan

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

‘No, no, no, no, no,
no
!' I said. ‘Not to Aunt Susan's! Not for a whole week! No, no, no, no!'

Mum wasn't backing down. ‘Frankly,' she said, ‘I don't believe I have to listen to any complaints from the person who burned our entire house to a crisp.'

I had to defend myself. ‘I did not burn the entire house to a crisp.'

I should have kept my mouth shut. Mum waved an arm around what little was left of our kitchen. ‘Excuse me? Are these walls the cheery colour that they used to be, or are they
black?
I don't recall choosing this nice “charred wood” theme for the cupboards. Is that clean water gushing out of the tap, or some dark dribble of sludge from melted pipes? And aren't we lucky that the sun's still up, because it's not as if, when I flick on this light switch, anything actually
happens
.'

‘Look,' I said for the millionth time, ‘I'm really
sorry
. I didn't
mean
to forget that I was making that toast. I didn't
realize
that I'd left that tea towel lying across the grill. And I did not
deliberately
forget we had a fire blanket.'

‘What's to forget? The thing was hanging on the wall in front of you with
FIRE BLANKET
printed across its case in big red letters. You can
read
, can't you?'

‘Yes,' I said sullenly. ‘I can read. I just didn't
see
it, did I?'

‘Apparently not. So now, when we try to make arrangements to find you somewhere to stay while the house is full of workmen, perhaps you'll stop whining.'

‘I was not whining,' I said huffily. ‘I was just saying that I didn't want to stay with Aunt Susan.'

Mum ticked our other conversations off on her fingers. ‘Or with Aunt Miriam and Uncle Geoffrey. Or with Great-Granny. Or with next door. Or with–'

I interrupted her. ‘Because it's not fair. Ralph gets to go to scout camp.'

‘Ralph was booked in to go to scout camp already. More to the point, Ralph is a scout, and you are not.'

I threw myself on her mercy. ‘Mum, please! Don't send me to Aunt Susan. I couldn't bear a whole week of her ghastly nature walks, and prissy little Titania prancing about in one of her frilly-willy frocks pretending she's a fairy and singing me one of her' – I did my imitation of my cousin Titania's lisp – ‘“thweet little thongs”. Oh, please don't send me. Please!'

‘Harry, there's no one else.'

I had an inspiration. ‘What about Uncle Tristram?'

Mum stared. ‘Tristram? You must be mad. Your Uncle Tristram couldn't look after a cat.'

Mum only said it as a figure of speech. Still, it reminded her of poor old Pusskins and what happened to him, so her face fell. I stood there sensitively for a moment or two before I said,

‘But Uncle Tristram could look after me. Because I can look after myself.'

‘But he won't want you,' Mum explained. ‘It's his week off. He'll have arranged to go away with one of his girlfriends.'