Eat the Ones You Love (The Thirteen Book 2) (3 page)

“You won’t,” said Jenny. “I’m not Living. Not exactly.”

“Well, maybe not you, but what about everyone else? Zeke’s your friend. What if I hurt him? Would you still love me if I killed your friend?”

Jenny opened her mouth to speak, but found she had nothing to say. Finally she closed her eyes and tried again.

“It’ll get better,” she said. “Even if you don’t change back. Trix is the oldest and she doesn’t have to eat very often. And she can control it.”

“What about you?” he said. “You came back from this. Are you better? Are you cured?”

“I’m…not like I was before. I still think about it. I still want it. But it’s easier to fight it. I’m in control more. But all of it’s still lurking under the surface. It scares me, but I can hold it back.”

“So even if I come back, I’m still going to want it?” he said. “The killing, the blood, the meat. Nothing will change.”

“It’s different,” she said. She met his eyes. “It’s better.”

“It’s no way to live.”

“None of it is any way to live,” she said, suddenly angry. She stepped back from him. “Even when we were alive, it was no way to live. We’re just existing in the best of circumstances. I don’t see how any of it is any better or any worse. Just learn to control it, Declan. Stop complaining about how bad everything is. I fucking know how bad it is. Okay? I fucking know more than anyone. And I know I did this to you. I understand that you probably hate me, and that’s fucking fine. It’s great. But fuck you, Munro. Fuck you. I saved you. And maybe I did it for myself, but you would have done the same thing. It
destroyed
you when I died. You would have done anything to save me. I’m sorry, but I would do it again in a goddamn heartbeat. So have your fucking pity party, but you should know that it’s not just about you. It’s about me, too. And Trix and Zeke and the rest of the shit world.”

“Jen…” he said, reaching for her hand. She pushed him away.

“No,” she said, her anger filling her up. She felt hot tears running down her face. “I can’t keep doing this, Deck. You used to be mine, all mine and nobody else's. I don’t know how to be without you either. But I also don’t know how to fucking be with you hating yourself and everyone around you. Even V and Beacon couldn’t take seeing you this way, and they’ve known you longer.”

“They’ll be back. They’re scouting.”

“Maybe,” she said. “Maybe they’ll die out there because they couldn’t stand to see you hurting. Do you realize that? They would rather die than see you in pain, Declan. That is how you affect us. Everyone is on your side. So stop treating us like the enemy.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice a whisper.“I know how this has been. I know you went through the same thing. And I don’t blame you.”

“You don’t?” she said. She wiped tears away angrily with the heel of her hand. “Well why the fuck not? It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” he said. He took her hand. “I’m sorry. I’ll try, okay? I’ll try to be a better man.” He tried to smile. “A better dead man.”

“It’s going to get better,” she said. “I hated it when they said it to me, but it’s true. It gets easier. And you’re not as angry anymore.”

“Yeah, but I’m one depressing motherfucker,” he said.

“Yeah, you are,” she said. And then, more seriously, “Deck, don’t shut me out. Never shut me out. I can’t live like that. I don’t like being treated like a stranger.”

“I promise,” he said.
 

“I’m going to save you,” she said. “We’ll figure this shit out and save the fuck out of everyone.”

“Okay, Jenny.”

“We’ll save the whole fucking world.”

THREE

When they stopped so the Living could sleep, Jenny was struck by the quiet. No rotters thrashing around, grunting and groaning and yipping as their brains turned to mush. No Expo or Heathens making a racket. Just trees and a creek with icy clean water. They couldn’t even see the mountains in the distance because the forest was so lush and overgrown. As she and Declan walked back to camp, she could hear distant birds, not just carrion, but tweeting, songbirds. Like the ones she had taken for granted before the Collapse. A squirrel ran in front of her and she froze.

“That was a fucking squirrel,” she said.

“Living one, too,” said Declan, equally surprised.

“I thought they were all dead.”

“Apparently not,” said Declan. “But we found goats before, so it makes sense that there might be other wildlife, too. Just not in the city.”

“How big is Boulder?” said Jenny. “Do you know?”

“It’s mostly deserted, especially this time of year,” he said. “Fall is coming, and all the dirty little Heathens tend to go south for the winter.”

“How big is the Expo here?”

“It’s fairly small,” said Declan. “You have to be pretty determined to come to Boulder these days. I haven’t been, but Beacon’s been here. He said it was less than half the size of the Chicago Expo. Why?”

“Just wondering,” said Jenny.
 

The sky was lightening by the time they got back to camp. Trix, throwing dirt on the fire, looked up and glared at Declan.
 

“Did you get over yourself yet?” she said.

“Yes,” said Declan.

“About fucking time. Hey, cheerleader. Your little buddy isn’t very healthy.”

“Zeke?” said Jenny. She glanced at the tent. She could hear him breathing deeply inside. “How can you tell?”

“I can smell it,” said Trix. She made a face. “Fucker is sick. Really sick.”

“You can smell it?” Jenny looked at Declan. “Can you smell him?”

“Yeah,” said Declan. “It’s like…spoiled food.”
 

“Seriously?” said Jenny. “You had to call him food?”

Trix shrugged. “Seems reasonable to me.”

Jenny sighed. “If he really is sick, what are we going to do about it?”

“Nothing we can do,” said Trix. “Just let him sleep in the car I guess. Or we could leave him here.”

“No,” said Jenny.

“Just a thought,” said Trix.

“He’s the only one who knows where this bunker is,” said Jenny. “And he’s one of us. Even if he is a Living. He saved my life.”

“Yeah, he knows shit,” said Declan. “Best to have him on our side. And we owe him. Jenny might not even be here if it wasn't for him.”

“He might attract Righteous,” said Trix. “Probably not, but we should be prepared.”

“I’ve seen Righteous,” said Jenny. “Trust me, they’re not fighters. Well, most of them aren’t. Most of the men look like somebody’s dad who’d rather wash his SUV than shoot a gun.”

“And the women?” said Trix.

“They’re…subservient, I guess is the nicest word,” said Jenny.
 

“The ones in Chicago,” said Declan. “Do we know if they’re all like that?”

“No,” said Trix. “So we have to be alert. Protect sick-boy’s bitch ass.”

“I can protect my own bitch-ass,” said a hoarse voice from the tent. Zeke staggered out, his face white as a sheet with pink spots in the middle of his cheeks. He was shivering.

“Jesus, you really are sick,” said Jenny.

“Told you,” said Trix.

“I’m fine. Who’s driving?” said Zeke. His teeth chattered.
 

Jenny reached up and felt his forehead.
 

“You’re burning up,” she said. “You’re really warm, Zeke. We need to get you to a doc.”

“Those Heathens will be at Expo,” said Trix. “Fuckers probably told everyone about us.”

“Even if they didn’t, it’ll be a pain in the ass to get out of there without a bunch of Living following us,” said Declan. He wouldn’t meet Jenny’s eyes. “I’d rather not risk more lives if we don’t have to.”

“Then stop fucking eating them,” said Trix.

“Will there be repercussions for the kid?” said Jenny. “For Van?”
 

Declan shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. “It didn’t happen in Expo, so we didn't really break any rules. But he may have had friends. On the other hand, we’re almost out of diesel. Someone at Expo might have some.”

“Even at a tiny Expo?” said Jenny. She remembered what Zeke had said before about staying away from Expo. She looked at Declan and frowned. There had only been a few Heathens and he hadn’t been able to control himself. How could he possibly handle hundreds? But if Zeke was really sick, they might have to chance it.
 

Expo was the Heathen trading post. There was one in every major city, and recently they'd been popping up in smaller towns. Or in the middle of nowhere. You could trade there and at night it turned into a Heathen festival. The music could be heard for miles, so you always knew when there was an Expo nearby. Violence was prohibited inside the walls, and Prowlers kept the rotters away outside. It was safe. You could get food, diesel when it was available. And every Expo had a doc.

“It’s possible,” said Declan. “And they'll have a doc there.”

“How far can we go on what we have?” said Jenny.

“Depends. Maybe another twenty miles in the tank. I have a couple jugs of the stuff in the trunk that might get us another twenty or thirty. Fifty if we’re lucky and go real slow, but we have to expect a lot of starting and stopping in case we need to clear the road.”

“So, Expo,” said Trix.

Jenny saw Declan clench his jaw.
 

Zeke’s knees suddenly buckled and he grabbed on to Jenny for support. She wrapped his arm around her shoulders to hold him up. He seemed to weigh next to nothing.

“When was the last time you ate?” said Jenny.

Zeke focused on her with effort. “When was the last time you did?”

“It doesn’t sit well with me anymore,” said Jenny. It was true. Ever since she came back, she tried to eat regular food, but couldn't keep it down. It wasn’t easy to explain to a bunch of Undead that they needed to pull the car over immediately. Jenny looked back toward the forest.
 

“Hey, load Zeke up, would you? I think I forgot something in the woods.”

Declan looked at her. “I’ll go with you.”

“No,” she said, too quickly. Trix raised an eyebrow. “I mean, help Trix load Zeke up.”

“I’m not a suitcase, you know,” said Zeke, as Jenny passed him off to Declan and Trix.

“I’ll be right there,” said Jenny, walking toward the trees.
 

“Jen? You okay?” said Declan.

“Fine. I just lost something.”

“Yeah, your sanity,” said Trix.
 

Jenny walked into the forest. She looked up for the birds chirping overhead. Her stomach growled. She could hear Declan and Trix breaking down the tent, Trix barking an insult. Jenny walked further from the campsite until she couldn’t hear them anymore. There was movement at the corner of her eye and she turned her head to see a squirrel. Jenny just stared at it for a minute. She hadn’t seen a wild animal since even before the Collapse. They said that the rotters killed them all. The squirrel ran up a tree and leaped across the branches until it was out of sight.

“Fuck,” she said. She was about to turn back when there was a crashing through the bushes. She crouched down absurdly, as though it would make her less visible. She felt her eyes pop as the creature stopped not five feet in front of her. It was huge, its tawny coat seeming to shimmer in the sunbeams filtering through the trees. The deer shook his head, the antlers as wide as Jenny was tall. It sniffed the air and took a wary step back. Jenny’s mouth watered and, ignoring the danger, she stepped forward.
 

The deer was distracted. It stopped for Jenny but sensed another danger and turned to look past her, to Jenny’s right, toward the trees. It twitched again, taking a half-step back, its ears flicking anxiously. Jenny started to turn in the direction of the deer’s gaze and felt her heart quicken as the cat leapt past her. It landed on the stag’s back, knocking it down, then quicker than Jenny could even follow, sank its jaws into the deer’s tender throat. Jenny smelled the blood and felt a deep yearning. The mountain lion looked up from its twitching, bleeding prey, blood soaked in its muzzle, and locked its eyes on Jenny’s, yellow globes in a large, golden head. The cat was huge, its shoulder nearly coming to her chest.
 

Jenny saw a stream of blood shooting into the ground from the deer, weaker with every pulse. The deer’s eyes stopped rocketing around in its skull as it accepted its fate. The mountain lion watched her for a moment, wary. Jenny stood up and met its eyes. The cat took a step back, not breaking eye contact, the hackles on its back lifting, its back arching. Jenny glanced at the deer, licking her lips. She took a step toward it without meaning to. Her hunger was so deep, so raw, that it felt like a part of her. The mountain lion opened its maw and let out a scream that echoed through the trees and sent a half dozen birds flying into the air. It turned then, bulging muscles moving under a velvety coat, and bounded into the trees.

Jenny knelt in front of the fallen stag. The scent of blood was so strong, she could taste it. She lowered her head and drank. Then without realizing it, she found herself ripping into the deer’s throat, filling her mouth with hot meat, and feeling it slide down her throat, warming her from the inside like finally taking a hot bath after being out in the frigid cold. She groaned in pleasure and buried her face in the deer,
 

She stood slowly when she was finished, shaky, but full of a clarity that had been missing ever since her heart had started beating again. She licked her lips, tasting the blood again. It tasted almost as good as human. She looked around for the beast that had brought the deer down, but the mountain lion was nowhere to be seen. It had been afraid of her. Terrified. Something that big and powerful and it was afraid of a human woman.

But she wasn't human. Not anymore. Jenny closed her eyes and tried to will the thought away, but her mouth still tasted of blood and her belly was full of fresh meat. She opened her eyes and looked down at the deer. It was dead now. Definitely dead. Just a deer carcass in the woods.

She turned and walked back towards camp. She would just have enough time to wash up in the creek before meeting the others at the car.
 

FOUR