Easy Silence (27 page)

I jumped when my phone began to ring, but I wasted no time answering it when I saw it was Pete.

“Sam, is Jaxson with you?” I could hear the alarm in his voice.

“He just left. He’s…a mess, Pete.”

“Yeah, I know. He went to his mother’s house last night and beat the shit out of Wayne Devon. He had stopped here first and was in such a rage, I just had a strange suspicion that was where he was headed. I got one of the guys who works for me, and we headed over there. It took everything in both of us to pull him off him. I honestly think he would have killed him if we hadn’t shown up, Sam. Not that he didn’t deserve it…but Jax could have ruined the rest of his life over that animal.”

I threw my head back, feeling the burn deep within the pit of my stomach. “I was going to break it to him gently, Pete, and my stupid father had to go run his mouth! This is all my fault!”

“It’s not your fault, Sam. It’s no one’s fault. After you left the other day, I thought about the advice I had given you about not telling him. I was wrong for telling you that. If Jax had ever found out and knew that you knew he would have never forgiven you. I think he would have reacted the same way, regardless of who told him.”

“I just feel so helpless. Like nothing I say or do is gonna get through to him now.”

“You’ve done all that you can, Sam. You aren’t responsible for Jax’s past, so don’t go beating yourself up over it.”

I hung up the phone feeling lower than low. I knew I wasn’t responsible for Jaxson’s past, and all I wanted to do was make his future better.

* * *

The morning turned into afternoon, and the afternoon turned into evening, and still no word from Jaxson. I didn’t want to go anywhere to look for him for fear that I would miss him if he decided to stop by.

I walked out to the beach, taking a seat in the sand at
our spot
, remembering all of the happy times we spent there. The ocean seemed to be a bit calmer than it was yesterday but still a little unsettled. How I wished Jaxson could be following that pattern as well. A million thoughts raced through my mind, and none of them were good as I wondered where he could be and what was going through his mind. I pulled my knees into me and rested my head upon them, feeling the cool breeze coming from the water. My heart fluttered when I lifted my head to find Jaxson standing there.

“Jaxson!” I could feel tears of happiness rushing to the surface. I stood up and looped my arms around his neck. I knew in an instant that this was over and wasn’t going to turn into the happy Hollywood ending I had hoped for.

His expression was flat, and his eyes looked empty. “I have to go.”

“Where?” I choked back a tear.

“Away…from here.”

“When will you be back?”

“I’m not coming back.” He closed his eyes and looked away.

“What do you mean, Jaxson?”

“I can’t stay here, Samantha; there’s too many painful memories.”

“Okay, then where do you want go? We can go wherever—”

“No. I’m going by myself.”

“Wh–What? Jaxson, you can’t leave me. We made a promise. Remember? We’re going to be together forever.”

“My father killed your mother, Samantha.”

“
He
killed her Jaxson! Not you! You were an innocent child who had nothing to do with it. You saved me back then, just like you saved me on the beach that day. Don’t you see Jaxson, you and I are meant to be together? Please don’t do this. I love you so much.”

“I could have killed you this morning.” He bit his bottom lip and shook his head. “That’s how fucked up I am. I could have killed you and not have even realized what I was doing.”

“But you did realize it, Jaxson! You were sleeping. It was a nightmare.”

His eyes began to glass over. “Samantha, I don’t even know who I am anymore. This…this whole thing. This is what’s haunted me my entire life. I only remembered bits and pieces of that day, but now it’s all come back to me. I watched your mother die.” My heart was breaking in a thousand little pieces as I watched him totally break down. I went to hug him, but he pushed me away. I respected his wishes and didn’t press any further, allowing him to deal with this the way he saw fit. “I wanted him to pay for everything he’s done to me, to you, and to your mother. If Pete wasn’t there last night, I would have killed him, Samantha, and that would make me no better than him.” He wiped his tears with the back of his hand. “That monster is my father.” He shook his head and began to sob.

I threw my arms around him, and this time I wasn’t planning on letting go, no matter how hard he fought. He didn’t push me away; instead he pulled me closer hugging me as if his life depended on it. He was trembling as he buried his head in my shoulder and continued to cry, letting out all of those years of anger, abuse, and frustration. I gently rubbed his back, trying my best to calm him down. “I love you, Samantha. Please, don’t ever doubt that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and the first person who ever made me realize what love really is.”

“Then don’t go,” I whispered. “Stay here with me, and let’s live our life the way we had planned. Don’t let him ruin your life anymore, Jaxson. Don’t let the past destroy your future.” He moved his head from my shoulder and gazed down at me. His eyes told me everything. They were the same eyes that I had looked into on the beach that first day I had seen him. Empty. Lost. Alone. And this time, I wasn’t sure if I could ever get them to fill back up with love again. Jaxson had slipped back into that same world he had been in three months ago, and even the love that we had for each other wasn’t going to be enough to bring him back. He didn’t even need to speak. I knew what he was going to say already, and I knew my heart wasn’t going to be able to handle it. “Don’t say it…I can’t bear to hear it,” I whispered.

He rubbed his thumb along my cheek, catching the tear that was rolling down my face. “Don’t ever doubt yourself, Samantha. You’re destined for great things, and the only thing I will ever do is bring you down.”

I feverishly shook my head “No…that’s not true.”

He pressed his lips on my forehead, resting them there for a while. “Please, know I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this to protect you. That’s all I ever wanted to do, Samantha, was protect you. I never expected to fall in love with you or anybody for that matter. So, thank you for giving me that once in a lifetime. Go live your dream…I know you will do great.”

“My dream is to be with you. Nothing else matters to me, Jaxson.”

He looked down at me with tear-filled eyes, gently tracing the outline of my face with his fingertips. “I’ll always love you.
Goodbye,
Samantha,” his voice cracked just before taking a deep breath and walking away.

“No, no, no. Don’t say goodbye,” I whispered, watching him walk off the beach until he became a faint speck in the distance. I wanted to run after him. I wanted to beg him to stay, but instead, I stood there unable to move. I slowly eased my body down in the sand, burying my face into my knees and letting everything out on the same beach where I had met him. The same beach where he saved my life. The same beach where we had fallen in love. And now the same beach where he had broken my heart into a million irreparable pieces.

Three long, agonizing days had passed, and I was going out of my mind missing and worrying about Jaxson. I was hoping that maybe after everything sank in he would have a change of heart, but it wasn’t looking that way. I cried myself to sleep each night and woke with tears in my eyes each morning, looking over at the empty spot on the bed. His face was the only thing I would see when I closed my eyes, and no matter how hard I tried to erase that vision, I couldn’t.

Bonnie had called to let me know that she had gathered up all of my mom’s things that she had, and I was on my way to Pete’s to meet her. I felt like such a hypocrite when I hopped into my car after disowning my father. Another painful reminder of Jaxson and the car shopping that never happened. I felt like my life was in limbo without him. Everything that I wanted from my future was gone.

I pulled up to Pete’s house, noticing that Bonnie wasn’t there yet. “Hey, Sam!” Pete greeted me as he came out of his garage.

“Hey,” I mustered to get out.

“You look really tired, kid.”

“Yeah, I am. I haven’t been sleeping much.” He gave me a sympathetic gaze. “Have you heard from him, Pete?” He shook his head. “How could he do this? Doesn’t he know how much I love him?”

“He does Sam, but Jax doesn’t know how to be accepting of love in the same way that you and I do. His whole life he had lived without it, and he just did what he had to do to survive. You made him happy, Sam; there’s no doubt in my mind about that. But Jax’s spirit was broken, and that’s something that can never be repaired.” He let out a deep sigh. “Right before you came into his life…he tried killing himself.”

“Oh my god.” I covered my mouth with my hand. “How?”

“He took some pills and alcohol. I found him and was able to get him to the hospital in time. He was in such a deep depression; I thought it would only be a matter of time before he did it again. Then you came along and breathed life into him. Jax had been battling his inner turmoil for a very long time now, Sam.”

I closed my eyes, hearing the words he spoke so clearly. Words that I will never forget:
“You have no clue about the things I have seen or the shit that’s happened to me. No one can fix me, Samantha. I’m not a piece of glass with a tiny little crack that can be glued back together. I am one hundred sheets of glass shattered into a million little pieces.”

"His life had always been an unbearable hell. All I wanted to do was make it happy for him.”

“I know you did, Sam.”

“Do you think he will change his mind and come back?"

His gaze met mine, and he gently covered my hand with his. He didn't need to respond, his eyes already told me the answer. An answer I didn't want to hear. "Sam, you have a wonderful life ahead of you. Go live it. You gave Jax a lifetime of memories in just three months. You made him happy. You made him feel loved. Now, there is nothing more you can do for him except be happy and live your life." I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. The life that I always dreamed of was waiting for me, but it was no longer the life I wanted.

* * *

Spending the evening with Pete and Bonnie, looking over old videos of my mom, and listening to their countless stories helped to take my mind off Jaxson, but once I returned to my grandmother’s, back to my bedroom, back to the place where I would wait for him to sneak through my window late at night, my heart began to ache.

“Come in,” I said upon hearing a knock on my door.

I looked up, not surprised to find Hadley walking in. “Well, hello there. I feel like we haven’t spoken in days.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Just been busy, I guess.”

She sat down on my bed and picked up one of the pictures of my mother that was scattered all over. “You remind me so much of her,” she smiled. “What are you going to do with all of these?”

“I’ve got to get a photo album.”

She nodded and took a deep breath. “Are you leaving for school next week?”

“No.” She raised her eyebrow at me. “But I will be leaving here soon.”

“Oh…are you going back home?” I shook my head. “Well, where are you going?”

“Not sure. Far away from home and far away from here.”

“Sam, honey. What’s going on?”

“What’s going on? Hmm…well let’s see. I’m going to the library, watching videos, and going through pictures to learn about a woman who I didn’t even know existed before I came here.” She closed her eyes as if my words pained her. “The love of my life is gone and is never coming back. Other than that…I’m just swell!”

“Where—where did he go?” she asked.

“I don’t know. He just said he had to go. He found out who his father really was and what he had done to my mother, and he…he lost it. We went from planning out our future together to me not knowing if he’s dead or alive.”

“Sam, I am so sorry, sweetie.”

“I will never love anyone the way that I love him…ever.”

“You never know, Sam. Years from now you may find someone special who you love just as much.”

I shook my head. “No one will ever have the connection that Jaxson and I shared.”

She grabbed my hand and rubbed the top. “You are still so very young. Please don’t let this taint your feelings on falling in love again, Sam.” The thought of falling in love with someone other than Jaxson was inconceivable. I didn’t want anyone else, and I knew if the time did come again where I let my guard down, I would always be comparing the others to him. “Good night, Sam,” she whispered, leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Night,” I whispered back. I gathered up all of the pictures lying on my bed and placed them back in the bag, leaving out one of the very few of my mother and me when I was just a little baby. I placed it on the pillow that Jaxson used to lay his head on. Reaching over onto my night table, I grabbed the locket that Jaxson had given me, opened it up, and stared at the picture of us inside. How I had wished I could go back to the night it was taken, the night of the wedding when Jaxson had first told me he loved me. We were so happy and so oblivious to how much our pasts had intertwined. I placed it on the pillow next to the photo of my mother, wishing that one of them could be here with me now, instead of just the photographs of memories that used to be.