East Hope (46 page)

Having an unexpected visitor was exciting. It must have been like this in earlier days, when it was impossible to make plans ahead by phone. “Please come in,” she said hurriedly. The cold streamed in around him, and she remembered her dismay when she'd learned that Will had left East Hope without telling her. Hurt that he had not said good-bye, she had almost convinced herself that he had left town for good.

He brushed the snow off his coat, pulled the navy watch cap from his head, and kicked his boots against the threshold, knocking loose clods of snow before stepping into the back hall. “I brought you a few things. Just some oranges, bread, and milk.” He unzipped his bag and set the food on the counter. “I'd be happy to get you anything else this afternoon.”

Caroline wanted to reach out and touch his face. His teeth looked very white against his tanned skin. She pushed those thoughts aside.

“You're so good to me,” she said. The pure delight and surprise at seeing him again made her almost light-headed. “Why don't you take off your boots? I'll make us some tea. Or maybe you'd like coffee?” Caroline remembered her phone call to him just before Christmas and her message offering home-baked cookies. That disappointment was melting away as quickly as the clots of snow turning into damp spots on her rug.

“Coffee would be great, thanks.” He bent down and unlaced his boots. He looked young to her now in his stocking feet, rumpled pants, and turtleneck sweater. His thick hair was mussed from being under the hat. He smelled of the outdoors, wood smoke, and wet wool. She asked him to have a seat at the table while she made the coffee, deciding to use her French press. She put a tea bag in a cup for herself.

“I haven't seen your lights for a while,” she said.

“I've been in Florida.” He sat in one of the wicker chairs, making it creak. “Sort of a last-minute decision. I went to my brother Rusty's for Christmas. He and his wife have three boys. Between throwing baseballs, constructing galactic LEGO villages, and playing electronic games I hardly had time to think. It was great to be with a family.”

Caroline, who had been pouring hot water into the carafe, put down the kettle. The handle was too hot for her hand. She fumbled for a pot holder and completed the task, then made her tea. A huge swath of sun fell across the tablecloth. The snowy landscape sparkled in all directions. “Where in Florida?” she asked, thinking again of Rob.

“West Palm.” He shrugged. “Weather was great. After that I spent some time with my former boss and his wife in Pennsylvania. He's going through a tough time, and it was good to see my old friends. But I missed this.” He seemed about to say something more, met her gaze briefly, and then looked out the window instead.

“I never thought that winter could be so beautiful,” she said. The wind had dropped completely. Now, with Will in the kitchen sitting at her table, the silence felt peaceful and good. She poured his coffee. She swirled her tea bag in the steaming water.

“There's something I've wanted to ask you,” Will said. He sat up a little straighter, as if trying to gather his courage. “After we came back from lunch the day we went to Ellsworth, there was a man here.” He paused. “I wondered if everything was okay.”

“I should have called to thank you.” She paused. “I should have explained.”

“You didn't need to thank me.” Will's brows drew in, causing his forehead to wrinkle. “You seemed a bit distraught when you saw him.”

“It was Pete Spencer. The baby's father.”

Will said nothing. He lifted his mug, but the coffee was steaming hot. He set it down without drinking.

“It was a shock to see him here.” Caroline leaned forward, resting her arms on the table closer to Will. “He's changed a lot.”

“Now he wants to be a father?” Will said sharply.

“He came to say good-bye. He's moved to San Francisco, and we've agreed to stay in touch.” She lifted the tea bag out of her cup. “There will be a time when the child will want to know him.” She tried to put on a brave face. Lately the reality of having Pete so far away felt very real. Other than the medical help, there would be no one with her if something was wrong when she gave birth. She had no future with Pete, yet he was the father. Harry had been with Caroline for Rob's birth, and also for Grace's. Giving birth that first time had been the start of a family.

Rob had spoken the truth on Christmas night: That family no longer existed. Since his call she had thought more and more about the transitory nature of a family. Children grew up, people died, marriages broke apart. Hadn't families always been about change? The hard part was adapting to the flux, the unstoppable flow, that was the essence of family life, so much like the river and the bay outside her windows, ever changing with the weather, the seasons, the moon.

“He won't be here for the birth?” Will said, not looking at her.

“No,” she said. “I didn't know how hard it would be to do this on my own.” The moment of happiness that she had experienced when Will appeared at her door evaporated. “I want this baby. It's just not easy.” Her mouth quivered. Caroline pushed away her tea and looked down at her belly. The weeks of trying to be strong weighed heavily on her. Now here she was ruining her chance to connect with Will. What had started as a simple conversation was getting stirred up and confused, like a sauce curdling on the stove.

“I wish you'd told me you were going to Florida,” she said. “I had hoped to have you here sometime over Christmas.” She thought again of their lunch together. After the meal he had walked her to the car and had held her arm closely. Or was he only trying to keep her from falling on the ice? Maybe in her loneliness she was looking for something that wasn't there. She glanced out the window.

Will set his mug on the table and slumped back in his chair. “I thought of calling you,” he said. He shifted his weight and the wicker chair creaked beneath him again. “I kept thinking of that guy coming to your house. I figured he was the father. There was that.” The sun fell across his face, which was more lined than she remembered. He bit his lower lip, as if unsure of what else to add. A moment later he asked, “Did your son come for Christmas?”

“He refused.” She said this dully. “He spent Christmas with Harry's father.”

His voice softened. “I'm sorry to hear that.”

“Vern and Dottie had me for Christmas dinner.”

“That was nice of—”

“It was terrible.” Her eyes welled up with tears. “What I mean is, they were lovely to have me. But it wasn't my family.” Caroline didn't bother to keep the bitterness from her voice. “I've never been so lonely in my life.”

“You've been on your own all this time.”

“Yes. But I still miss my son.”

Will appeared to consider this. “Maybe he needed to be with his grandfather right now,” he said. “You know, his dad's father.”

“You're right. They're very close. Still . . . I guess I'm selfish.” She brushed her tears with the back of her hands. “This was my first Christmas without Rob. It was hard.”

She cradled her belly with her arms and wished Will would understand. If this baby would only come. She took a deep breath. “I've made such a mess of everything. I'm old and I'm having a baby. My son will barely speak to me. I feel so alone. Do you know what that's like?” There, she had said it. She was sick of being brave, sick of the mess that she had created for herself, sick with regret. She turned away from him. Tears rolled down her face.

Will pulled back and grew quiet. “You're right. There's a lot I don't know.” He let out a sigh and placed his hands on the table, his fists clenched. He spoke more forcefully. “Caroline, look at me.”

She choked on a sob.

“Please,” he said.

Slowly she turned her head. His eyes looked a deeper color than they ever had.

“I do know what it's like to be lonely,” he said. He opened his hands, palms up, before her. “And I want to understand. I thought of you a lot when I was in Florida.”

Caroline got up from the table.

“Please,” he said again, and stood.

She turned her back to him and bent her head, holding her belly as if it might drop. She felt Will's hands on her shoulders.

“I want to help.” He spoke gently. “I don't know how. Please don't push me away.”

She cried harder. She brought her hands to her face. “Oh, God,” she said. “That's what I did to Harry.” Her shoulders rounded as if to protect herself from a physical blow. “I couldn't face him after Grace died. Harry was devastated.” Between sobs, her voice halting, Caroline told Will about finding Harry's letter to Lila. “Harry was as hurt as I was. I selfishly ignored that he was suffering too.”

“You mustn't blame yourself.”

“But I do. All Harry did was work. In the past few years, things went badly for him at the firm. I'm sure the fact that I didn't want to know about any of it made him all the more desperate, frantic to prove something.” Caroline explained the financial mess that her husband had left behind.

Will put his arms around her, finding her hands and placing his on top. She felt the strength in his arms, the warmth of his breath on her neck.

“You came to East Hope,” he said. “You found a way to go on.” He held her firmly and rocked her gently. “Having this baby is brave. I kept thinking of that while I was away.”

“I'm so alone.”

He didn't release his embrace, and slowly, like rays of sun on the snow, the warmth of his body radiated into hers. “I'm here now.” He continued to hold her.

His words sank in slowly. She wanted this moment to last. The sun streamed in around them. Though the greater part of winter was ahead, the solstice had passed; the days would grow longer. “Remember when you came to dinner this fall?” she asked.

“Umm,” he said, not releasing her from his grasp.

“You started to kiss me. I wish now that I hadn't stopped you.” She turned to him. Her face was streaked with tears. Why not tell him this? She had told him everything else. Her large belly kept him at a distance.

He shook his head, smiled, and, leaning into her, took her face in his hands. He kissed her lips, slowly and gently this time, nothing like the confusing moment that long-ago night by the fire. He took her hands. “I worried that I'd overstepped my bounds the last time,” he said.

She shook her head. “You didn't.”

“Is it okay now?”

“It's a little awkward.” She placed her hands on her belly. “It won't always be like this.” She looked down and gave a nervous laugh.

They sat again at the table. For a moment neither said anything. Caroline smoothed her hair back. “I'm really a mess,” she said.

“You're never a mess.” He smiled. “And you're not old.”

“You're not much of a liar,” she joked, and suddenly the atmosphere lightened. Caroline convinced Will to stay for a bowl of soup. A new, sweet intimacy hung between them. He set the table and carried their plates to the table, as if he were used to being in the kitchen, as if he had performed this task numerous times.

They talked more easily. She told him about sending the cookbook proposal to the agent in New York. He told her that he had an interview the following week at the university in Orono. She was sympathetic when he told her about Crystal Thomas and agreed that he was right to fight back and clear up the misunderstanding about what had happened at Habliston College.

Later on, he insisted on picking Rob up at the airport the following week. He told her that little by little things would get better with her son. And slowly that lovely sense of hope, as ephemeral as the warmth of that first spring day when you could once again smell the earth, filled her heart. The possibility of happiness was real to her. Will was right: Things could change. Tonight, she thought, the sky would be clear and a full moon would shine on the snow.

“So, are you my mom's new boyfriend?” Rob asked sullenly after Will introduced himself in the baggage claim of the Bangor airport.

Will chose to ignore this comment and instead told him to grab his bag. “My car's this way.” Will led Rob through the terminal to the short-term parking lot. Rob's flight had been three hours late. It had been snowing on and off all day. Will was relieved when the plane had finally landed, knowing how eager Caroline was to have him arrive home safely.

Will had recognized Rob immediately. He was fair, almost as tall as Will, with that loose-limbed walk of youth. His eyes, though blue, were replicas of his mother's. As they walked to the car Will called Caroline to let her know that they would be on their way soon.