Easier Said Than Done (36 page)

“Yes, sweetie, we're all going on a trip,” adding, “your mommy's going, too,” even though my intuition was whispering that something was very wrong.

“Can I watch cartoons?”

“Of course you can. We'll watch them together.”

“Is Cocoa gonna watch cartoons, too?” Teeka sat on the couch and Cocoa settled on the floor at her feet.

“She sure is. Watching cartoons is one of her favorite things.” I clicked the television set and flipped through the channels. An old re-run of Disney's
The Proud Family
was on and Teeka perked up. I left her clapping at the characters' antics while I paced in the kitchen.

Sharneesha's home phone had been cut off and her cell phone was going straight to voice mail. I didn't bother to leave a message. I tried to quell the hysteria swelling inside like a tidal wave, and I dialed both of her numbers again—still nothing.

“Teeka, your mom didn't tell you where she was going?” I sat next to her on the couch.

She shook her head, gaze glued to the TV and her finger stuck in her mouth. When I realized she wasn't going to be any help, I went back downstairs. My nose was open like an investigative reporter. My plan: search the Barbie suitcase.

The contents of the suitcase were typical for a four-year-old girl—all pink and frilly. I picked through the t-shirts and denim shorts and found nothing. But buried beneath Teeka's nightgown was an envelope.

I slit it open and my stomach dropped to my feet. The items contained within: a birth certificate and passport, an electronic plane ticket and a letter giving Teeka permission to travel with me were self-explanatory. Also enclosed was a short note written on a sticky note:

“
Kingston, please take Teeka with you. I can no longer take care of her. She
'
s better off with you. I think you
'
ve figured out why. I will contact you when I know that you
'
ve arrived safely in Jamaica. Please tell Teeka I
'
m sorry. Sharneesha.
”

Fury surged through me. I started to dial Sharneesha's number again—just in case I had misdialed the other times. But what would I say? Where the hell do you get off abandoning your daughter on my doorstop? I dropped the phone back in its cradle. I had a bigger problem right now. How in God's name was I supposed to break the news to Teeka? That the one person who was supposed to love her more than anyone else in the world had kicked her to the curb? The abandoned little girl inside of me ached for Teeka, knowing how it felt to be alone in the world. At least my mother hadn't left me by choice.

My fists clenched as initial shock began to give way to anger and resentment. And who said I wanted to take on the full responsibility of someone else's child? Sure, I wanted to be a
mother someday. But someday wasn't today and it certainly wasn't the day before I stepped off the edge of my world into the unknown.

The wheels started turning. Maybe there was somewhere to safely drop Teeka off, let somebody else deal with the situation, but that idea was dismissed as quickly as it had come. The chances were too great that Teeka would end up another victim of the child welfare system.

I walked back upstairs, when something else occurred to me. If Sharneesha really didn't think she could be a good mother, then maybe she was right. Things could turn out much worse if I did track down Sharneesha and force her to take back her own damn kid. The
Chicago Tribune
had run a story a few months back about a mother who jumped into Lake Michigan, taking her two young children with her. All three of them drowned. I didn't want a tragedy like that weighing on my conscience.

I sighed with frustration. Frustration worked up into a third wave of rage until I stepped onto the landing and looked into the face of sweetness and innocence, and a burst of maternal warmth surged inside of me. No way could I leave Teeka behind to face life on her own, to feel alone and unloved. Sharneesha was free to screw up her own life, God bless her, but I wouldn't let her screw up Teeka's.

Picking her up, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around me, I said, “Well, I talked to your mommy and she's not going on the trip with us after all.”

“Why not, ‘ingston?” Teeka wailed. “I want my Mommy to go, too!” Her legs kicking in protest as I carried her upstairs.

“I know you do.” I gathered her close to me, bony knees angled against my rib cage. “But she's got this great new job and can't leave right away. But she'll join us as soon as she can.” The lies came too easily, but I refused to feel bad; at least they were for a good cause.

“But who's going to take care of me? That's what mommies do.” Teeka's eyes brightened with tears and her mouth quivered.

I kissed her on the forehead as she laid her cheek on my shoulder. All I wanted to do was reassure her that she would be safe.

I tilted her head until she was looking at me, her eyes deep pools of confused sorrow. “ I'm gonna take care of you. Sometimes mommies need a little bit of help. That's all.” I grabbed an extra blanket from the closet, covering her with the thick fleece, pushing the edges underneath. “Tuck, tuck, night, night, everything's going to be all right,” I sang the same way my mother did for me and she smiled before rolling over and facing the wall.

“'Ingston?”

“Yes?”

Brushing a hand across her burrowed forehead, tweaking an ear on the worn bunny she held in her death grip. She looked at me again, her eyes still blurry with confusion. “Where Mommy go?”

I avoided her eyes, didn't want to face the pain and disappointment that were surely reflected in them. So with no answer to give, I simply kissed her on the cheek and turned off the light. Wishes of sweet dreams caught in my throat, knowing that neither one of us would have any of those tonight.

* * *

When I checked on Teeka for the fifth time, she was humming softly from her nose and sucking a finger contentedly, as if there wasn't a care in the world. But for me, her words, “ Where Mommy go?” still hung in the air and sleep was not coming easily.

“I'm going to take care of you,” I reaffirmed in the darkness, but my words sounded dull and far away as if they belonged to someone else. The blackness caused my fears to scurry around like rats before light hits them.

Who was I fooling? I didn't know squat about taking care of a four-year-old and my certainty about not letting anything happen to her was wavering. Hell, I wasn't even doing that great of a job of not letting anything happen to me.

Padding to the bathroom, I turned on the light, leaving the door cracked so if she needed to, Teeka would be able to find the bathroom. When I returned to my room, I sank to the floor beside my bed, dropped my head into my hands and cried until I was too tired to care anymore. I cried for Mama Grace, I cried for Essence, but mostly I cried for myself, feeling weak and powerless to fight against the sense of betrayal seeping into my bones.

As much as I had tried to stave off the pain I felt at what Essence had done, it now swept me up like a level five hurricane, then tossed me back to the ground, just an empty shell. In its wake, I was faced with a startling realization: maybe it was so hard for me to forgive Damon because I had never forgiven my father for doing the same thing. The feelings of being ugly and unwanted had been worn like a pair of broken in shoes for most of my life.

So I cried for myself, but I wept for Teeka. It took a long time for sleep to claim me. When it did, it was restless and washed black, the color of pain.

Chapter 31

“Bring your suitcase back here, Teeka,” I said, leading the little girl to the same room that I slept in when I was her age. “This is going to be your bedroom,” I whispered, choking back tears as a hesitant smile lit across her face. My own luggage waited down the hall in Mama Grace's room. As weird as it felt, my grandmother's room was now mine.

“And my mommy can sleep here, too, when she comes.” With an earnest look on her face, Teeka touched the bed, pushing at the squares on the patchwork quilt almost as if she didn't believe it was real.

“Yes, she can,” I lied, running my hand over her rainbow colored barrettes. She gazed around with wide eyes, twirling a braid with her finger. Everything to her was new and magical—from the plane ride to her new home in this tropical paradise. She was curious about it all; the strange accent, the odd smells, and the interesting people.

But the most fabulous thing of all was her new Auntie Bianca. I had called ahead and warned my cousin that I wouldn't be arriving alone. With nothing more to go on than that,
Bianca's jaw dropped when I showed up with my motley crew of two—a four-legged animal and a four-year-old girl.

She recovered nicely though, hugging first me, then Teeka, patting Cocoa on the head. On the way home, Bianca bought Teeka an ice cream cone and promised her a manicure complete with pink polish. That was all it took. Teeka was a fan for life.

When I flopped onto the couch in the front room, Bianca crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. “Seems like things have been jumping in your life.” Tossing her head toward the window—where Teeka was outside playing with Cocoa and Toy—her corkscrewed curls of hair dancing around her shoulders.

Between the barks and peels of laughter, I wasn't concerned about Teeka overhearing me, but I lowered my voice anyway. “Teeka's mother was my next door neighbor. She was having some problems, lost her job, was about to be evicted, really going through a rough time. To help her out, I suggested that she come with me and she agreed; but then last night, she just dropped Teeka off on my doorstep and disappeared. I couldn't just leave her.”

Bianca glanced through the window again. “Of course, you couldn't. You're not that kind of person. How well did you know Teeka's mother?”

“Please,” I said, snorting. “I didn't know her at all. We lived next door to each other for almost a year, but never talked. It was just hi-and-bye until a few days ago.” I crossed my arms,
the corners of my mouth drawn down into a sneer. “It blows my mind that a woman could carry a baby for nine months, feel life moving inside of her body, and then leave her with a virtual stranger.”

At that, Bianca sat up, her face screwed up with intensity. “I don't understand that either, but I guess some women are just not fit to be mothers. Teeka's mother proves that.” She relaxed against the covers with a disgusted humph. “Have you figured out what you're gonna do?”

“Keep her,” I said with more certainty than I had felt about anything in a long time. “I can't bear the thought of her alone in the world. There are too many abandoned babies already. I mean, look at her, who wouldn't want to have her as a daughter?”

Teeka's face was lit up with joy, while playing tag with the dogs, peeking from behind one tree before running and hiding behind the next one.

“She's definitely a cutie. It's going to be a lot of work, though. Being a mother isn't as easy as it looks.”

“Like you would know.” Laughing, I flicked a piece of lint off my leg. “Trust me, we're going to have our challenges. She's already told me at least ten times that I'm not her real mother so she doesn't have to listen to me, and I thought we were going to have to restrain her when it
was time to board the plane. She didn't want to leave without her mother and who can blame her? I'd feel the same way.” Shaking my head, I watched her through the window. “She can throw quite the little attitude when she wants to, but I figure I can outlast her,” I said, then smiled. “Thanks for being so nice to her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable at all, and you put her at ease right away.”

Never one to accept a compliment well, Bianca waved plum-pink colored fingernails in the air. “It's nothing."

“Well, it means everything to me. Family means everything to me. Are you planning on hanging out here for awhile?”

“Yeah, I'll stick around for a few days. Help you get situated. When do you meet with the lawyer?”

“I haven't called him yet, but I want to get things underway as soon as possible. If I'm here to do good, then I want to get to it before I change my mind. Plus, I want him to look into how I can legally protect us from Teeka's wishy-washy mother. I'm not sure how things work now that we're in Jamaica. But I found out that Teeka's father signed away all his legal rights when she was born.”

“Are you thinking about adoption?”

I nodded hard. “Definitely. I think that's the only way to ensure that Teeka is going to have some stability in her life. But I'm doing it for myself, too. I'm already bonding with her and I definitely don't want to set myself up for heartbreak.”

“Nothing's foolproof,” Bianca pointed out.

“I know, but I don't want to be a straight-up fool either.”

“I hear ya'.” Bianca fussed with a curl before looking at me slyly. “By the way, did you get a surprise visitor?”

I threw her a suspicious look, then rolled my eyes. “Did you have something to do with that? You gave Damon my address in Chicago without telling me, didn't you?”

She smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

“Thanks,” I snapped, then took a deep breath and let it go. No use in getting upset. Raising Teeka and running both Mama Grace's estate and MMG's urban division were the most important things and I had to stay focused. I didn't have time to run up after some man, especially Damon.

I walked over to the window to check on Teeka. She had moved Pa-pa's chess table to the middle of the verandah and had set it with pale blue plastic dishes that Queenie had given her. Any minute I expected to see the dogs with teacups in their paws sitting daintily at Teeka's tea party. I parted the curtain. “How about some fruit punch, Teeka?”

She said something to the dogs before skipping inside. I wiped the dirt from her knees and headed to the kitchen.