Eagle's Destiny (52 page)

The next step was to send my dad home.  He had started to hover over me.  Since Michael had already taken that position, my dad just rumbled around my house angrily slamming cupboards.  My father didn’t go easy, but Lisa helped me make him see reason.

Arriving home, I was afraid to see the condition of the house after the attack.  Katy and Tammy had cleaned the mess after the police were finished.  Two lamps and several nick-knacks had been broken in the assault, but overall the damage had been minimal. 

The damage to me was quite a different matter.  My first real look in the mirror at home took me by shock.  Insisting that I needed a bath of some sort at home, Lisa helped me wrap my shoulder in plastic to protect my stitches and then I threw her out of my bedroom.  I wanted to be alone for the reveal.  My face showed bruises almost beyond recognition.  All the bruising was still black and blue, and none had turned to the familiar yellow yet.  My face was a puffy swollen mess.  My neck showed Kevin’s fingerprints and there was more damage on my breasts and torso.  I sat in the wheelchair facing the mirror, put my head in my hands, and wept.  I didn’t know how anyone could stand to look at me.  I was ugly.

Michael came into my bedroom and closed the door behind him.  “Go away.”  I cried looking up and then put my head down again and continued to weep.

He put his hands on my shoulders gently from behind and looked at me in the mirror.  “Honey, what’s the matter?  Let me help you.”

“I look and feel awful Michael.”  I cried my head still in my hands.

“Elizabeth that is all going to heal.  You’ll be back to normal soon.”  His voice was very reassuring and soothing but I was having none of it.

I looked up at our reflection.  The sight made me want to retch up my lunch.  “How can you say that?  Look at me.  I’m a monster!  Just leave me alone Michael.  I can’t stand to have you in here with me.”

His eyes showed shock and then hurt.  Rubbing my shoulders with a
soft touch, “You have got to give it some time.”

I shook my head and wished I hadn’t because I now felt dizzy.  “Just go Michael.  I want to be alone.  Okay?”  My voice was getting higher and I was on the verge of being hysterical.

At the sound, Lisa poked her head into the room, “Is everything okay,
Bess
do you need some help?”

“No!”  I shouted.  “Would everyone please leave me alone?”

Michael backed away from me.  “We’re right outside the door if you need us.”

“Go already!”  I yelled.

When
I was alone, I sat on the edge of the tub and slowly bathed myself while wiping tears from my face.

As the days progressed, I began to feel all the after effects of the attack.  The physical ones began to heal.  The bruises started their transition into the splotchy yellow color and the swelling in my face and neck began to disappear.  The mental effects however had just begun.

First the nightmares came.  Each time it was the same one, a replay of the violence.  With each dream, I would awaken bathed in sweat, my hair, and nightgown clinging to me.  Every time the dream occurred, I faced the same inability to scream or run away.

I began to withdraw further away from everyone.  As my withdrawal went deeper, both Lisa and Michael would hover closer to me as if they were trying to pull me back.  I didn’t want to be pulled back.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

By the
beginning
of December, I barely came out of my bedroom. 

The day for the eagle cleansing ceremony was soon upon us and I did not want to go, I simply did not have the energy.  Michael tried to explain my reluctance to Annie on the phone, but she showed up at my door not forty-five minutes later.  I could hear both Lisa and Michael arguing with Annie in the living room.  I just pulled the covers over my head and tried to ignore the noise.

My bedroom door open and I groaned underneath the covers.  Annie’s voice was first giving Lisa directions to pull clothes out of my closet for me.  Next, she told Michael to put his cameras in the car and that we would be there shortly.  She shushed the dogs off the bed and I felt her sit next to me.  I sighed to myself knowing what was coming for me.

Slowly, I felt her pulling the feather comforter down and I opened my eyes.  I saw Annie’s eyes first.  They showed kindness but determination. 

“Mija,” she said, “it is time for you to get up and out of bed.  Today is a good day to do this, we have someplace to go.”

“Annie, leave me alone.  I just want to sleep.”  I tugged at the covers but they didn’t budge because she held them tightly in her hands.

Lisa came out of my closet with a pair of jeans and a sweater.  “Okay Annie, these should be loose enough to go around the bandages.”

Annie looked over her shoulder and nodded.  “Just leave them there Lisa.  Close the door on your way out, okay?”

Lisa only looked at Annie and nodded.  I heard the door shut while I looked at Annie. 

“Annie, I’m not going anywhere.  I don’t feel good and I’m going to stay in bed.”

Annie looked at me and it was not just a plain look.  “Elizabeth, you are going to get out of bed.  I am going to help you get dressed and you will go
with us to the ceremony.”  Her voice
matched her look,
firm but gentle and quiet. 

I felt like a petulant child whose mother was chastising her, “Why should I go?  It’s not that important.”

She rose from the bed and picked up the jeans that Lisa had left lying on the dresser.  Annie put the jeans on the edge of the bed. 

“Michael needs you to go.”  She again said it simply and then remained quiet.

I bit my lip and stared at her.  She knew exactly how to get to me.  “Annie,” I said with exasperation in my voice, “why is it so important that I go?”

Sitting back down on the bed, she took my hands in hers.  Her eyes were serious as she spoke, “Did you not consider that maybe he is suffering too?”

“What do you mean?”  I knew her answer deep in my heart, but I had to ask anyway.

Annie smiled and gently brushed my hair back with one hand while she still held my hands in her other, “I know what Kevin did to you makes you forget about Michael’s heartache.  He lost a dear friend up on that mountain and then almost lost you too.  Don’t you think it is time for you to stop and think about him?”

The look she had on her face made me feel uncomfortable to say the least.  I felt like squirming under her gaze.  I sighed heavily, and knew that I was not going to win this battle.  I moved to get up and she smiled to help me put my clothes. 

“You know I can’t walk very far.”  I said again my voice sounding bad-tempered. 

Annie just laughed, “We have already thought about that Mija.  The boys have borrowed a cart from Joe and they cleared a path to the eagle stand.  The ride might be a little bouncy but you should be able to manage the short trip.

I frowned.  It seemed that there were a number of people behind this plan to drag me from my bed.

After dressing, Michael helped me into the jeep.  He had to help me with my seat belt because the movement in my shoulder hurt.  There was silence between the two of us and then he finally spoke. 

“I told Annie you didn’t feel well enough to go.”  He said by way of an explanation.

I sighed and he kissed me on the forehead.  The trip up to the mountain was a quiet one.  When we arrived at the utility road, a small group appeared to be waiting for us.  There were more cars parked to the side of the road.  I was surprised when we arrived in the clearing that a crowd had gathered.  I knew all of the tribal elders through my association with Annie
and her family.  There were more than one hundred people milling around a large bonfire.  When we joined the group, a circle formed around the bonfire and we sat down on the ground.  Both Michael and Don lowered me gently down, and Debi had been thoughtful enough to bring a pillow for me to sit on.

Annie stood outside the circle behind us.  I was surprised to see the three boys who had perpetrated the killing walk up and stand beside her.  Michael’s body stiffened when he saw them but other than that, he sat there quietly.  A tribe member who sat opposite to me started to thrum quietly on a small drum he was holding between his legs.  A tribal elder walked in from the other direction and stood on the outside of the circle but he did not stand with Annie and the boys.

Annie and the boys started walking around the outside of the circle slowly.  She chanted a prayer in her native Pomo tribe and then repeated it in English.  “Our eagle brother, it is to you we dedicate this home.  You are our eyes in the heavens and we are your feet on the earth.  We are brothers by the fire and together we hunt on this land.  Your flight is sacred to us and we bid you to return to us our brother.  We purify this earth by burning that which was taken from you.”

With that, Annie and the boys entered the circle.  They stood close to the flames and each boy one after the other dropped a tail feather into the fire.  Sparks flew up and the fire quickly consumed the feathers.  The tribal elder started chanting behind us and when he finished he joined the circle.  Next, Annie joined the circle and sat down between Frank and me.  She squeezed my hand, and then reached around me to take Michael’s hand.  They rested their clasped hands in my lap and I laid my hands over theirs.  Michael did not smile when he looked at me, he had a far off look on his face and there were tears but they had failed to leave his eyes.

Lastly, the boys joined the circle with their families.  No one spoke a word; we all sat together watching the fire as the cold December air breezed around us.  Together we all hoped the eagles would return.

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

Michael and my sister were not getting along either.  Both of them had different opinions on how to handle me, and I disagreed with both of them.  Michael was not sleeping in my bed and wouldn’t go home so he slept on the couch.  The two of them argued frequently and at first, I didn’t have the energy to object but finally it grew even too much for me.

After
almost
two weeks, when their bickering was getting on my nerves, I hobbled out to my living room to put an end to the disagreements.  I leaned against the doorway and said, “What are you two fighting about now?”

Both of them looked at me surprised to see me, my sister spoke first, “Dinner.  Michael is insisting that we make pasta without meat sauce for you.  I think you need the meat to get your strength back up.”

He
frowned, “That is absurd.  Elizabeth does not need meat to keep her strength up she needs protein.  She can get protein from other sources.”

I raised one hand.  “Enough!”

Lisa opened her mouth to say something, but I beat her to the punch.  “Enough!  Did either of you consider asking me what I wanted?  I don’t really want pasta tonight.  Lisa, what are you doing here?  I love you and you are fantastic to be here taking care of me, but you have a husband and two babies to take care of, besides you are pregnant.  Go home.  If you leave now, you can be home by tonight.”

Lisa looked at me and her lip trembled.  “Bess, I want to be here taking care of you.”  She walked over to me and put her arms around me.

I patted her back, “I’ll be fine.  You’ve taken such good care of me and I feel so much better.  Christmas will be here sooner than you know it and you have to get ready at home.  Why don’t you pack your stuff, call that handsome husband of yours, and let him know you are coming home.  Michael can drive you to the airport.”  I looked at him and he nodded.

She turned to look at Michael, “Thank you Michael, I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the butt.  Bess is my big sister.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

Michael put his hand on her shoulder and she immediately turned in to hug him.  “I understand.  I have a little sister too.”  He said it gently.

She smiled, “Okay, I’ll call the airlines and get a ticket.”  Lisa almost skipped off toward the guest room.

I looked at Michael squarely.  “You need to leave too.  I don’t need you here taking care of me.”

He stared at me his eyes squinting and said through his teeth, “I am not going anywhere.”

I walked back into the bedroom.  “Oh yes you are.  You need to get on with your life.”

He followed me into the bedroom closing the door behind him.  “You
are
an important part my life Elizabeth.”

Ignoring him, I walked over to the bed and straightened out the covers.  I turned to look at him.  He still stood by the door with a look of frustration on his face. 

“Look Michael, when Kevin attacked me my life changed.  I’m not the same person I was, I’m somehow darker.  I don’t know how to explain it.  It’s the nightmares.  I just keep reliving it over and over.  I need to get past this and I think I have to do it alone.”

“What are you going to do?”  The angry expression grew on his face.

His face almost made me crumble.  I couldn’t handle any more irritated men.  Angry at me for what?  I could feel tears welling in my eyes. 

“I think I need to go away for awhile.”

Michael’s anger lashed out, “There you go Elizabeth, running away again.”

I looked at him shocked.  I wasn’t running away, no I was just going to leave for a bit to sort out things.  That wasn’t running away.

“Damn, Elizabeth, I am sorry I didn’t get to you sooner.  I’m sorry you had to go through the violence and the abuse.  If I only would have realized that the lights were off, I could have gotten to you before the attack.”  He ran his hands through his hair pacing back and forth.

“Michael, the attack wasn’t your fault.  You didn’t know.  You did save me.  I don’t blame you for this.”  I said sitting on the bed feeling horrid that he would blame himself.

Michael walked across the room and stood in front of me, his voice harsh.  “Then why are you punishing me Elizabeth?”

I looked up at him, tears running down my face.  “Michael…I’m not…”  I paused as his words started to sink in.  What was happening here?  Did I blame Michael for what had happened to me?

“That’s what you need to figure out Elizabeth.”  He turned for the door. 
When he opened the door to walk out, “I’m going to help your sister.  Let me know Elizabeth.”

I collapsed back on the bed the tears running down my cheeks.  Lisa came in briefly about an hour later to say goodbye.  She told me she had left sandwiches in the refrigerator for lunch and she was sure Michael would make a nice dinner for me.  I wasn’t too sure about her last statement.  Michael didn’t come into my room to say goodbye.  I didn’t know if
he
would even be back.  We hugged and kissed and she was gone.

Alone in my cabin for the first time since the assault it felt strange to me.  There were no voices and it was completely quiet.  I started a fire in the fireplace and it began to rain.  The weather turned stormy and I regretted that the storm probably caught Michael too.  I ate one of the sandwiches Lisa had made and drank a glass of milk. 

After eating, I went back to bed.  Everything was so quiet.  Finally relaxing, I fell back asleep.  When I awoke, it was dark outside.  Someone had turned on a small light in the corner of my room.  I wondered who did.  Walking into the living room answered my question.  Michael was lying on the couch covered up with my quilt.  His clothes were on the arm of the couch and he slept soundly.  I knelt down in front of him and watched him sleep.  His face was peaceful and beautiful.  I was ashamed that it had never occurred to me what he had gone through when I was injured.  My dad was right I was very selfish.  Annie was right too, I had never considered Michael’s feelings.

How could I consider leaving this man?  What was the matter with me?  I was nuts to throw everything away.  At that moment, I knew I could never leave him.  I loved him too deeply.  To leave him would be a pain I would never be able to bear.  Moreover, his love for me knew no bounds.  He had put up with my family and most of all with me.  He had brought me back from the brink of hell.  Michael had saved me in many ways.  Before I could control myself, I stroked his face tenderly.

His eyes fluttered open.  “Elizabeth, are you okay?”

“Yes, my wonderful man.  I am just fine.”  I kissed him and his lips responded to me quickly.

He sat up and pulled me into his lap.  We kissed for what seemed like ages.  Michael’s hands roamed my body gently as I nestled into his neck. 

“Michael,” I whispered softly, “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything Babe, you know that.”  He answered.

I sat up and caught his face between my hands.  I kissed him and ran my tongue across his mouth gently probing his heat.  “I need to remove the remembrance of Kevin’s hands on my body.  I need you to do it…”  I faltered a bit.  “I need you to make love to me.”

Michael didn’t answer me.  He lifted me in his arms while he stood up from the couch.  Carrying me into the
bedroom,
he laid me gently on the
bed.  As he took me tenderly in his arms, he quietly took the pain in my soul away.