Dumb Bunny (2 page)

Lucille was still mad at lunch.

“I just don't
get
it,” she grouched. “How could anyone forget the Easter Bunny? The Easter Bunny brings candy right to your door.”

Lennie did a frown at her.

“He doesn't bring candy to
my
door, Lucille,” he said. “The Easter Bunny is a different religion than me. I'm Jewish.”

Shirley nodded.

“I'm Jewish, too, Lucille,” she said. “I've never even
been
to an Easter-egg hunt before. What do you wear to something like that, anyway?”

Lucille stood up and fluffed herself.

“Well—since the Easter Bunny and I are the
same
religion—
I'm
going to wear a fancy Easter dress, Shirley,” she said.

Shirley thought for a minute. Then she nodded.

“Hmm. Then I guess I will wear a fancy Jewish dress,” she said.

Lennie's eyes lighted up.

“Really, Shirley? You mean we have our own clothing line?” he asked.

He smiled.

“Then I think I will wear some fancy Jewish pants,” he said.

My friend named Herbert tapped on his chin.

“Let's see. Since
I'm
a Pressed-byterian, I guess I should wear Pressed-byterian pants,” he said.

He turned and looked at me.

“Pressed-byterian
means we iron out our wrinkles, I think,” he said.

Just then, Sheldon slapped the table with his hand.

“Hey,
I
know! I will wear a fancy turban! A fancy turban is religious clothes, right?” he asked. “I love fancy turbans!”

Mr. Scary was listening to us while he ate.

He quick put down his sandwich.

“Boys and girls, you're getting
way
off track here,” he said. “Lucille's Easter-egg hunt is
not
a religious party.
Really.
I've spoken to her mother about it. It's more of a spring picnic with an egg-hunt activity. Am I right, Lucille?”

“Yes,” she said. “My mother said the Easter Bunny isn't even working that day. He's just going to hop around the party … and smile … and have his picture taken with people.”

I thought about that for a second.

“I don't think bunnies should smile,” I said. “Bunnies have yellow teeth, like clown teeth. Except bunny teeth are way pointier.”

Sheldon nodded.

“My aunt Bunny has a pointy tooth,” he said. “She can stab a pickle with it. And the pickle just stays there.”

All of us stared at him.

Sheldon has the interestingest family I ever heard of.

Lucille did a big breath.

“Well, I don't care about pointy bunny teeth,” she said. “Bunnies have cute floppy ears, and puffy, fluffy tails, and itchy, twitchy little noses.”

I kept on picturing their teeth. “Bunny teeth can nibble your head into a nub,” I said.

“No, they
cannot
, Junie B. Jones,” she said back.

“Oh yes they can, Lucille whatever-your-last-name-is,” I said. “I saw it on
Oprah.”

Mr. Scary glared at me.

I ducked down in my seat. And I quieted my voice.

“Oprah
has a lot of nub information,” I said very soft.

Mr. Scary glared again.

I started to squirm.

Teachers can spot a fib a mile away.

*  *  *

At recess, Lucille told us more about the party.

She said that there was going to be lots of delicious food to eat. Plus also, there was going to be an exciting prize for the Easter-egg winner.

“And wait till you hear
this!”
she said. “My daddy is going to hide a real pretend
golden egg!
And whoever finds the golden egg will win The Grand Prize of the Day! And
that
is a fabulous playdate with … ME! LUCILLE!”

She twirled around and hugged herself.

“And it's not just any old fabulous play-date with me, either!” she said. “The winner is going to get to go swimming with me in my
heated
indoor swimming pool that we just had enclosed!”

She did a little shiver and rubbed her arms.

“Isn't that exciting, everyone?” she asked. “Doesn't that give you the
tinkles?”

She looked around.

“Well? Doesn't it? Huh? Doesn't it make you tinkle all over?” she asked.

All of the children looked curious at each other.

Herbert rocked back and forth on his feet a minute.

“Um, I think you mean the
tingles”
he said at last.

José nodded. “Sí, Lucille. You definitely mean the
tingles
,” he said.

Lucille squinted at those two.

“Tingles … tinkles …
whatever.
The point is, a playdate with me gives you goose bumps on your arms,” she said. “Just look at your arms, people. Don't you see them? Don't you see the goose bumps?”

All of us looked at our arms.

None of us saw the goose bumps.

We waited and waited real patient.

And then
finally—

“GOOSE BUMPS!” shouted Sheldon. “I SEE GOOSE BUMPS, LUCILLE!”

He ran to her and pointed.

“Look, Lucille! See them? See my goose bumps?” he asked.

Lucille's face beamed very happy.

“Ooooh, Sheldon! Those are the goose-bumpiest goose bumps I ever saw! Thank you, Shelsie! Thank you for those goose bumps!” she said.

After that, she gave him a big hug. And she waved her fingers at us.

“Well, ta-ta, everyone,” she said. “It's time for me to go look at myself in the cafeteria window.”

Then she shook her shiny hair. And she skipped away.

Sheldon kept on standing there.

He was shocked from the hug, I think.

Then, all of a sudden, his whole face lighted up. And he began to shout.

“Lucille! Wait up! I'll look at myself in the cafeteria window, too!” he shouted.

He took off skipping after her.

I smiled to see that.

“I think Sheldon has a crunch on Lucille,” I said to my friend Herbert.

Herb looked funny at me.

“You mean
crush
, Junie B. He has a
crush
on Lucille,” he said.

I started to laugh.

“Don't be ridiculous, Herbert. It's definitely
crunch,”
I said. “I am excellent at eggspressions.”

Herb looked funny at me again. I do not know why.

After a minute, Sheldon and Lucille skipped past us.

They were smiling and giggling and chasing each other.

Sheldon was calling to her.

“Come back here, you springy little lamb!” he called.

I slapped my knee.

“Springy little lamb! Ha! He called her a springy little lamb! That is a hoot!” I said.

May heard me talking.

“It's not funny, Junie Jones. Can't you see what he's doing?” she said. “Sheldon is trying to get in good with Lucille so she'll tell him where the golden egg is hidden. He's just trying to win the playdate to swim in her pool.”

She followed him with her eyes.

“He's not going to get away with it, though,” she said.

After that, she cupped her hands around her mouth. And she shouted after him.

“You can just forget about it, Sheldon Potts!
I'm
going to be the one who finds the golden egg! Not
you!
I've got eyes like a red-tailed hawk!”

I looked at her very curious.

May has a lot of bird parts, I believe.

Also, she is cuckoo.

And that is not name-calling.

That is just the truth.

On Saturday morning, I jumped out of bed very excited.

’Cause today was the day of the party, of course!

“The Easter-egg hunt! The Easter-egg hunt! Today is the day of the Easter-egg hunt!” I sang real loud.

I ran into Mother and Daddy's room. And I turned on their light.

“The Easter-egg hunt! The Easter-egg hunt! Today is the day of the Easter-egg hunt!” I sang again.

Mother opened one eyeball.

“It's not time to get up yet, Junie B.,” she said. “It's still dark outside. Please go back to bed.”

I put my head next to her face.

“Yeah, only I don't think that's actually possible,” I said. “On account of my brain is already activated.”

Mother put her pillow over her head.

I lifted it up.

“I'm going to find the golden egg today,” I said. “I told you about that. Right, Mother? Whoever finds the golden egg gets to swim in Lucille's hot water.”

I hugged myself very happy.

“I would love, love,
love
to swim in hot water,” I said. “Except for Sheldon and May want that prize, too. Plus Lucille loves Sheldon. And so maybe she might give him a hint or something. And a hint would not be good.”

I did a little frown.

“Plus here is another problem,” I said. “May has bird parts. And birds can see as good as a hawk.”

Mother pretended to snore.

I did a huffy breath at her.

Sometimes mothers do not act their old age.

Finally, I put the pillow back on her head. And I went back to my room.

Then I picked up my stuffed elephant named Philip Johnny Bob. And we skipped to my closet to pick out party clothes.

We looked at all my hangers.

“Hmm,” I said. “Hmm, hmm, hmm. What kind of clothes are good egg-hunting clothes, do you think, Phil?”

Philip tapped on his trunk.

Well, let's see. Good egg-hunting clothes should be easy to run in, probably. ’Cause when you spot an egg, you will have to beat people to it. Right?
he asked.

“Right,” I said. “Plus good egg-hunting clothes should not be a dress, either. On account of sometimes—when I am beating people to an egg—I will have to tackle them and get in a scuffle.”

Correct
, said Philip.
Tackling and scuffling often happens in egg hunts.

He thought some more.

Also, good egg-hunting clothes should have big pockets to carry all the eggs you're going to find
, he said.

I nodded. “Yes. Plus good egg clothes have to be pretty. Right, Phil?” I said. “Because this
is
a fancy party, you know.”

I know
, said Phil.
Egg clothes should definitely be pretty … like … like …

We looked some more.

Then ha! Both of us spotted the pretty clothes at once!

“LIKE THOSE BRAND-NEW LAVENDER OVERALLS THAT MOTHER JUST BOUGHT!” we shouted real joyful.

Phil threw himself way high in the air.

Yes! Yes! The brand-new lavender overalls will be perfect, Junie B.! ’Cause lavender is ’zactly like purple, almost! And purple is the color of your favorite glasses!

He flung himself in the air again.

We are a genius at picking egg clothes!
he said.

“Yes! We
are
a genius, Philip!” I said back. “I cannot lose the egg hunt in this perfect outfit!”

After that, I quick put on my lavender overalls.

And then me and Philip ran to the window.

And we sat down on the floor.

And we waited and waited for daylight to come.

The party was supposed to start at lunch-time.

There was going to be a picnic before the egg hunt.

That information was printed right on Lucille's fancy invitation.

I read it to Mother and Daddy at breakfast.

“A picnic lunch will be served on the grounds before the event,”
I read.

I smiled.

“I enjoy eating on the ground,” I said.

Mother laughed.

“Oh, I don't think you'll be eating on the
ground
, Junie B.,” she said.
“Grounds
are what rich people call their lawns and gardens.”

I got down from the table and looked outside.

“Do we have grounds?” I asked.

Mother rolled her eyes and looked at Daddy.

“Heavens no, Junie B.,” she said. “What
we
have is weeds and crabgrass.”

Daddy sucked in his cheeks at her.

Weeds and crabgrass is an
issue
, apparently.

After breakfast, I waited for it to be time to leave.

It was the longest morning I ever saw.

Then
finally, finally, finally!
Daddy said it was time to go. And so I ran to the car lickety-split!

Lickety-split
is the grown-up word for zippedy fast.

It took forever to get to Lucille's house.

We drove and drove and drove.

Then whew! At last! We turned down Lucille's long driveway!

“Lucille's house! Lucille's house! We're finally at Lucille's house!” I shouted out.

I leaned my nose against the window.

“Remember when I came here last year, Daddy?” I said. “Me and my friend Grace spent the night at this place! And I ate dinner and breakfast with her rich, expensive nanna!”

Then … oh my gosh!

I
saw
her!

I saw the rich, expensive nanna!

She was standing there with Lucille's mother and daddy and brother. They were welcoming all the cars.

I opened my door and I ran to her.

“WELL, WELL, WELL! WE MEET AGAIN, NANNA!” I hollered real happy.

Then I hugged my arms around her middle. And I tried to lift her off the ground. Only she didn't actually budge that good.

I stepped back and looked at her.

The nanna had put on a few pounds, I believe.

After that I tried to lift her again. But this time, she took my arms away.

“Oh dear, no, young lady. You mustn't try to pick me up,” she said. “You'll hurt yourself.”

I looked at her kind of puzzled.

“Yeah, only I'm not a young lady, Nanna,” I said. “Look! See? It's
me!
It's Junie B. Jones!”

I pointed at my face.

“Don't you remember me? Huh? I spent the night here with Lucille and Grace. Remember that, Nanna? It was the time of our life!” I said.

The nanna looked closer at me.

Then, all of a sudden, drops of sweaty came on her head.

She took out a tissue and dabbed herself.

“Oh my. Oh dear. Yes, I remember
now,”
she said.

She did a little shiver.

“Junie B. Jones … I remember you
well.
”

I skipped around her in a circle.

“Today is going to be fun, right, Nanna?

Today I am going to find the golden egg!”

After I skipped, I held out my hand to do a high five. But the nanna didn't actually respond. And so I just swatted at her sleeve, and that's all.

Just then, another car drove up in the driveway.

I turned around.

And oh boy, oh boy!

It was my good friend named Shirley!

Plus after Shirley came Sheldon! And after Sheldon came Roger! And after Roger came Camille and Chenille, and Herbert, and José, and Lennie.

And then all the rest of the children in Room One came, too!

Only wait till you hear this!

I didn't see
you-know-who.

I looked all around to be sure.

Then I crossed my fingers for luck.

And I hoped that maybe May wouldn't show up at all. ’Cause maybe she would forget that the party was today, possibly

I thought a minute.

Or else maybe her daddy's car would get four flat tires …

Or maybe his battery would go dead …

Or maybe his muffler would fall off in the middle of the street.

I thought some more and did a grin.

Or else
maaaaybe
May was playing in her backyard this morning. And she bent over to tie her shoe. And
FLOOF!
She got carried off by a North American barn owl!

I bent over and laughed out loud.

Now
that
was a good one!