Dudes Down Under (2 page)

This announcement was greeted with cheers all round. The electricity and collective nerves were very apparent.

“
When do we find out who won the draw, Lucy? It’s so exciting.” Ginny spoke up with her eyes glittering feverishly. Lucy looked at her fondly. Ginny was her friend, and an employee, yet there was no denying that to every male with a pulse who didn’t know her well, it appeared that her twenty-year-old body was built for sex. Her mind was built some time later. Sadly, she was also a natural blonde, which sure as hell didn’t help her in the 'we-believe-you-are-intelligent-truly-we-do' stakes. Lucy was very protective of the youngster, and it showed.

“
Miss Peters is doing the draw on her talk show,” Lucy continued with a huge grin at Ginny’s excitement. “The list will be sent immediately, along with any special dietary needs, and the numbers of staff accompanying those chosen. I have been told to restrict their staff to two. Due to the fame of most of the people in the draw, they will be listed under pseudonyms. We want them to have a holiday, paparazzi-free. That is a huge part of what has attracted them here. These people want to be treated just like everyone else, or at least they think they do.”

“
She gets to come no matter what, doesn’t she?” Ginny was almost squeaking she was so excited, yet still managing to say ‘She’ with dignified, non-blasphemous restraint.

“
Yes, Ginny. Miss Peters is the reason all the other beautiful people want to come. They all want to be the first of the big names on the ‘A’ list to check us out and hopefully give us the thumbs up.”

*  *  *

The entire room turned as one when Cyril made his regular morning entrance and headed for his favorite area near the floor-to-ceiling windows. He liked looking out over the beautiful lagoon.

“
Jeez, is it that late? Sorry, Cyril, me old mate, I lost track of the time.” Skeet stood as he spoke.

Well, I am so touched that you forgot me. Am I that unnecessary? What would it take for me to be more memorable, hmm? I am twenty-eight feet long, I wear my own little collection of designer t-shirts and sun hats, my sun glasses are Gucci, and yet I’m forgettable. Sigh! Life is so unjust.

Skeet hurried out to the kitchen, returning with Cyril’s breakfast. He threw him the live chickens one-by-one and Cyril did his usual appreciative snap, crackle and slobber routine. He then lay quietly drinking his gallon of beer. Being a twenty-eight foot long crocodile had distinct advantages. Cyril smiled his crocodile smile and belched loudly.

Well, that is much better. You lot are my family, you know. Odd, granted, you certainly are, yet I love you all in my own way. I mean, I haven’t eaten any of you, have I? Just isn’t done. Life is good and the women in this place … mmmm ... makes me wish I were a frog - one kiss and whoo-eeee! I wonder how many of my little family know just how cute they are.

Cyril, having drawn only the briefest acknowledgement at his presence, contented himself by farting and snoring in harmony and stink. Life at
Dudes
was so … normal.

“
Lucy, they already know about the restrictions - no cell phones, no faxes, no television, all that sort of stuff?” asked, Didi with a grin on her face.

“
Yep, they do.”

“
So I had better be prepared for a lot of withdrawal symptoms, hey, Lucy?” said Doc.

“
Probably, Doc.”

“
When we are all relaxed and comfortable, I’m going to open up a general question time. Anything, anything at all that might have crossed your minds, things that we haven’t covered or you’re unsure about, please feel free to ask – anything. If you just want to confirm something we’ve already covered, or have a gripe about something, now is the time to do it. Once our guests arrive, I will have little or no time for a one-on-one with any of you. So, people, ask away.”

“
So, beautiful, what are you doing after work?” Bluey, asked.

“
Anything I like, Bluey-boy! But I don’t date outside my species.” Lucy smiled sweetly at him, daring him with a look to say more.

“
Huh?”

“
Precisely.”

That shut him up, temporarily.

Cyril belched again.
That mongrel Bluey better keep his hands off Lucy. I wouldn’t need a whole lot of reasons to eat that bastard.

“
So, Lucy,” Bluey said with his hands on his hips, “lemme get this straight, all right? This bunch of spoiled-arse whatevers are paying half-a-million bucks per couple, plus the same again for each staff member they bring with them, all for the privilege of being normal human beings for one month?” Bluey was clearly unimpressed at this brand of stupidity. “Don’t make any damned sense to me at all. Bunch of wimps, if you ask me.”

“
Bluey, these people have so many restrictions in their lives. They can’t do normal things that we all take for granted without a dozen cameras following them every inch of the way. So please lose the attitude, okay? They are simply here for a holiday, one we need to help them enjoy. Got that?”

“
Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Lucy chose to ignore his muttered agreement. She turned instead and directed herself to the remaining staff.

“
Okay, people. So long as we are clear on one very important point. These folks want the freedom of going anywhere they want without question or paparazzi. They have gone to a great deal of trouble to ensure the press doesn’t know where they are.” Lucy looked at the assembled faces and continued.

“
The names you will be instructed to call them are up to them. Should they decide that they wish to be referred to as ‘Hey You!’, we will do it. Is that very clearly understood, everyone?”

Mutterings of,

“
Yeah, no problem.”

“
Gotcha.”

“
Righto.”

…
and …

“
Whatever!”

…
all wafted through the air at once.

Uh-huh, perfect. Their jaded palates and boringly perfect lives are about to get sat on their heads. I think they might just find Australia … unforgettable.

Chapter 2

The morning arrived, as it was in the habit of doing. The staff gathered around the bulletin board where Didi had pinned the guest list as soon as it had arrived.

A copy was waiting for every staff member, together with any special requests made by the guests that staff needed to be aware of.

Lucy did a tour of the facilities, personally ensuring that everything was ready and perfect. Her nerves were on edge. First impressions could make or break this place.

She had spent an enormous amount of money to create this wonder. Thanks to her inheritance from Daddy, oil wells and gold, she had done it. She knew that if this venture failed, her lifestyle would also suffer. Money was something she had never had to worry about, but, she acknowledged to herself with a wry grin, it would worry her a whole lot if she lost all of it.

Ginny was almost wearing a flowing white halter neck mini-dress. She stood with her permanently perplexed expression, reading the list of imminent arrivals, when Lucy returned to the reception area. “Jesus. H. Christ, Lucy, I don’t know anybody on this list. They might be rich as shit but they’re not famous. I can’t even pronounce some of the bloody names!”

The others standing with her moaned collectively. Lucy ran her elegant hand over the list and spoke up. “Ginny, they are all pseudonyms, sweetie.”

“
Really? Geez, Lucy, where the hell is that Soodoonims place, in Europe or something? I ain’t ever heard of it.”

Lucy shook her head. Ginny was a lovely kid but maybe having her on the reception desk was not such a good idea. Lucy made the decision to be right there with her when check-in took place. “Oh well, let’s see. Take Ms. Terry Writer, for instance.” Lucy looked across at Ginny’s blank expression and left it at that.

Ginny would see soon enough.

Meanwhile, the Doc and Skeet remained trying in vain to help Ginny get a grip on pseudonyms.

Some of the names, Lucy was certain of. Others, she would have no idea until they arrived.

“
Oh, bloody hell, this is gonna be interesting. I get the feelin’ that the draw might have been rigged,” said Didi.

“
Geez, Didi, you think? Never mind.” Lucy couldn’t help laughing, “Hmm, two couples and BOTH of their ex-wives. I’m inclined to think rigged might be right, Didi. Too late now, sweetie. Could be a little, um, interesting.”

Didi ran her hands through her red hair and shook her head. “Interesting may be just a little understated, Lucy.”

“
You could be right, Didi. I’m just going to pop in and check the weather radar. Keep an eye on Ginny for me, will you?”

“
Sure, Lucy, no problem.”

Lucy was about to head back to her office. She stopped mid-stride and turned around. “Oh, Didi, ask Doc to bring up the smelling salts to reception, please. Better make it two bottles.”

“
What for? In case they pass-out when they meet Cyril?”

“
No, honey, in case we pass out when we meet them, especially Ginny.”

Skeet came running in, dropped to his knees in front of the two women, and said, “Boss, the plane, the plane!” Lucy and Didi cracked up, as he expected.

Lucy spoke through the giggles. “All right, you idiot, I get it already!”

Skeet got back to his feet, gave Lucy and Didi a quick hug and a big reassuring smile. “First guests in about twenty minutes.”

Skeet made the announcement and went to collect the other staffers rostered to drive the people-movers down to the helipad. Hand luggage only on the chopper - the main stuff was scheduled to come early next morning, together with the guests' staff members, in the huge catamaran, C1 B1.

Lucy walked briskly across to the P.A. system. “Okay, people, it’s all happening. All those designated in the greeting crew, head to the helipad. Bar staff, ensure the Moët and Dom Pérignon are ready to be served. Good luck, everyone. I know you will do us all proud.”

Lucy crossed her fingers, took a deep breath, and threw down the remainder of her drink, then headed out to the war-zone.

Ginny was standing behind the reception desk. Cyril was wearing his favorite t-shirt, which read, “I’m the Real Deal!” Cyril had a certain charm seldom found in members of his species.

They could hear the chopper coming in low across the lagoon. Lucy had to stop herself from thinking about that scene from
Apocalypse Now
.

She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and decided to enjoy this, no matter what happened.

The chopper swung low over the resort to allow the guests an up-close-and-personal look at this utterly beautiful place. The occupants were already oohing and ahhing at the sight of their home for the next month.

Skeet gave Cyril a quick pat and a reminder. “Meet and greet ‘em, do not eat ‘em! Got that, mate?”

Cyril glared at him. Honestly,
Skeet, sometimes you are hurtful. Besides I wouldn’t eat someone I liked, heh-heh, so I guess they'd better all treat me real good, mate. Heheh.

The chopper set down on the pad gently. Once the rotor blades had stopped, Skeet opened the door.

The adventure had begun.

Chapter 3

Lana Peters was the first to exit. She was elegantly attired in a blue business suit and heels, clearly having left winter behind in Chicago. Lucy greeted her with a handshake and a smile. “Welcome to our home, Ms Peters. I am Lucy Bambini, the manager.”

“
Girlfriend, Lucy, you said? Well, Lucy honey, I need a drink and a cool swim, and sleep. Why oh why did they put Australia at the bottom of the planet?” She laughed aloud.

“
To give people with an adventurous spirit somewhere still to explore, ma’am.”

“
Oh, please!
Not ma’am
, okay? Lana will do me just fine. Good answer!”

“
Wonderful, Lana. My staff will see to your luggage. You have two more staff members to join you?”

“
Yes, tomorrow I think. They are bringing Shnookems with them.”

“
Oh, lovely. You have a pet?”

Ms Peters almost fell off her heels with laughter. “Oh no, honey, although some people think that way. Shnookems is my, um, companion - for the moment.”

Lucy smiled. “Uh-huh. No problem.”

“
Well, not so far, girlfriend, but he does stay fit.”

The couple now exiting the chopper were probably the most delicious looking pair you would see anywhere, anytime. “Mr. and Mrs. … er ... Jones?” Lucy asked with a grin.

“
Please, no formality. For the present we are Tristan and Isabella. How do you do?” said ‘Tristan’, extending his hand.