Drowning in Her Eyes (30 page)

By Command of His Excellency the Governor General
.

Susan, Susan, why aren
't you here to share this moment with me? Where are you? Where is our baby?
Oh, God, bring her back to me.

He was never going to get over Susan Baker.

Goondiwindi, Queensland, Australia
—1966

The wedding had been a great success. Jack had given away the bride and the party went on for a couple of days
;
Australians kn
e
w how to have a good time. Helen knew how much strength it had taken
for
Jack to take part
in the ceremony. She knew
he was seeing only Susan in the wedding dress. She knew he was just holding together. When he disappeared from the party later in the evening, she knew where he
'd gone
.

Jack sat beside the Land Rover at the thinking place. He had built a small fire and sat on the old picnic blanket, gazing into it. Images of her came dancing on the flames, ephemeral figures he could not touch, hold, or kiss. Sometimes she held out to him a small pink bundle but it always receded before he could reach it. Sometimes she was crying. Always she looked at him with her soft brown bottomless eyes.
“Oh, Susan,
” he cried out in his agony.
“I need you so much. I cannot live without you.
”

He felt the spirit of the land descend on him. He felt it stirring in his core. He looked to the sky. It was a cold and clear night and he could see the stars in their billions.
There are more stars than I can count, he thought, there are more people than I can count. Out there, she waits for me, how can I find her?

The trees began to sigh. He thought he could hear her, as she was on that last night they had made love, her soft voice carried to him on the breeze.
“Look at me,
” she whispered,
“I wore these the first night we went out together. I so wanted you then, but you were so sweet, you wanted everything to be perfect
… Please love me, Jack, love me tonight. I fear I may never see you again
… Love me, my beautiful little bush kid; love me forever and ever.
” He stirred the fire. Flames leapt up, and, carried on them, she returned.

“Her?
” said Susan
.
“
H
ow do you know?
”

“I know,
” he said
.
“I know.
”

“Look at me.
”

“Love me forever and ever.
”

“Look at me
…look at me
…l
ook at me
. Look at me
…
”

Sam began to whimper and crept close to him so that her head was in his lap.

Ollie found him there in the morning. He had fallen on his side
, his face
covered with frozen tears; the fire dead. Ollie looked down on him from his horse. He had known this boy since he was born. He knew the strength in him. Now he knew
Jack
was at the end of his endurance.

Ollie dismounted, wrapped Jack in the blanket, and put him in the Land Rover. Then he wept for him too, for he loved him like a son, and there was nothing he could do to help him.

The noisy miners and the parrots came to see him, but they were silent.

Armidale, New South Wales, Australia
—1966

Somehow, Jack found the strength to go on. He studied, he trained, he marched and he ran. In August, his old
c
ompany
c
ommander sent for him. Jack found Lt. Colonel McIntosh, now the
r
egiment
's
c
ommanding
o
fficer, in the drill hall supervising the swearing in of a group of recruits. Numbers were flooding in now, for if you undertook to serve in the CMF for three years, you were exempt from conscription and service in Vietnam. The new recruits were poor specimens for the most part, not like those before who had joined out of a sense of service to their country. If I had my way, thought Jack, these bloody draft dodgers would be on the first boat to Cam Ranh Bay.

Jack saluted the Colonel.
“You wanted to see me, sir?
”

“Ah, Mr. Riordan, your promotion to Lieutenant has just come through. Congratulations, my boy. Now, Army HQ has been looking for a few officers to serve full time with our American friends. It may mean spending a month or so in Vietnam, not too dangerous, just fact-
finding and orientation. You might even get a medal. The Yanks hand out Purple Hearts if you cut yourself shaving in the face of the enemy. They may have a few to spare.
”

“When would this be, sir? I have my final examinations soon.
”

“Oh, not until the New Year. The rainy season starts in April, so it will most likely be February or March.
”

“Let me think about it, sir. I am not sure of my plans for next year.
”

“Very well, Mr. Riordan. It would be a most significant step forward in your career, and you have a very promising one before you. This might be the cream on the top. Opportunities like this are rarely offered to reserve officers.
”

Almost as they spoke, D Company of the
Sixth
Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment, was fighting off an attack by Viet Cong and elements of the North Vietnamese Army in a rubber plantation at a place called Long Tan. More than
two thousand
of the enemy ambushed
one hundred eighty
men of D company. The fierce battle that followed resulted in more than
three hundred
enemy casualties at the cost of
seventeen
Australian lives. As they had done in two World Wars and Korea, the men of the Australian Infantry proved they had no equal. Jack read of this feat of arms with mixed feelings. He was proud of his compatriots, for they had earned a US Presidential Citation. However, one of the Australian dead was a man he had been at school with. This put a human face on the war. From now on
,
Jack would look at war through different eyes.

Jack continued his studies. In November, he completed his final examinations and in December, he attended a Junior Officers
' Advanced Infantry Course at the Jungle Warfare School. Emphasis was on anti-
guerrilla warfare in Vietnam.

Worcester, Massachusetts, USA
—1966

Jacqui Susan
was
a beautiful
newborn, and
now, approaching her first birthday, she was captivating. She had her parents
' dark hair
,
and
her mother
's milk coffee skin and big brown eyes. Approaching Easter, she had been in a fractious state, often crying, but on Easter Saturday morning as Susan held her she suddenly stopped crying. Her little body tensed, an expression of faint surprise passed over her face, and she appeared for all the world to be listening to some faraway sound.

Suddenly, she relaxed, a smile of pure joy appearing on her little face. She looked up at Susan and began her happy gurgling routine, her smile never diminishing. Soon she was peacefully asleep. When she awoke, her bad mood had disappeared. Susan had felt it too, a visceral stirring. She broke out in goose bumps, was momentarily breathless. It
was Jack. She knew
it
was
Jack.
He is at the thinking place
.
He is calling for us, he loves us, he wants us to be with him. Oh my darling baby, Daddy is waiting for us. We will wait for him, no matter how long it takes.

* *
*
*

Sarah did not come to full term. She was carrying twins
; the
two little boys were born in July. They were healthy, and under the tender care of the pediatric nurses, soon reached normal weight. Susan was happy for Sarah. She loved the little boys and looked forward to the time when they would become playmates for Jacqui Susan.

Marci was satisfied. Now she could put in place her plans for John. She had already started. Sarah had had a difficult pregnancy. Despite the fact that Marci spent most of her time tending to her, she took every chance that presented itself to undermine John
's role in his family. She berated him for his frequent absences at work, conveniently forgetting that he was studying as well as working. She found fault with most things he did. Moreover, all the time, she was in Sarah
's ear.

“I think you
've made a big mistake, my dear.
”

“He should have more consideration for you.
”

“He
'd rather spend time at work than with his family.
”

“You
're lucky you
've got me here. What would you have done if you were in Australia on your own?
”

“I told you this would happen. Look at Susan and her little brat. Do you think he cares for you?
”

“He won
't last. He
'll soon be scuttling back home with his tail between his legs.
”

Soon John was stopping off for a beer or two on his way home from work in order to spend less time in Marci
's company. These stopovers began to get longer, more frequent. Sarah began refusing him sex. It was a filthy thing anyway. Look where it got Susan! I don
't want any more babies. Marci had even gone through Sarah
's wardrobe. She disposed of anything daring as
not suitable for a young mother
.
“And get rid of that disgusting lingerie. Only harlots wear that kind of thing. Get something more sensible!
”

In the face of this well directed and concerted attack, John Starr had no chance. In November, he took a job in Cheyenne, Wyoming. He obtained visiting rights to the boys, but not custody. He would spend the next fifteen
years paying alimony. He couldn
'
t even return to Australia, because he would lose all access to his children.

He never saw or spoke to Marci Baker again.

Marci was at the top of her game. She had her children with her, all under
her
control. They depended on her for everything. She even talked Sarah into moving back home.

Susan, secure in the knowledge that Jack was waiting for her and Jacqui, drifted into a phase of serenity, of detachment from her surroundings, from the mother she despised. Every now and then, she felt the stirring, the sensation of floating off on a different level. She knew then that Jack was at the thinking place. She could wait. She thought it would not be long now.

* *
*
*