Drop (21 page)

A packet of Jaffa Cakes and a tube of Pringles later, Lauren asks if we can talk about something more serious. I assume she means revision, but no.

“Are you all right?” she asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Since you got with Finn you’ve been pretty wrapped up in him and that’s cool. It’s new, it’s exciting, I get it. But you’re exhausted and you’re not turning in your work and … I don’t know” – she looks to Sienna for support – “you seem kind of fuzzy.”

“Fuzzy?”

“Like you go so mental at the weekend that you’re hardly recovered by Friday and then you go out and do it all again,” Sienna says.

“Oh.”

I feel myself prickle. Is it really that noticeable?

“You think I’m a dirty chemical-head,” I say.

“No… Just… Why do you do it to yourself?”

I avoid the question. “You didn’t say that about Georgia or Greg or Finn when you introduced them. You said they were popular. You even said you liked them.”

“Well, they don’t get so” – Sienna searches for the right word – “messed up as you. And we thought it was just a crush. We didn’t think you’d
actually
end up going out with him. ”

“Oh, great. Not only did you think Finn was so out of my league it would never happen, you also think I’m a total weakling who can’t handle the after-effects of a couple of nights out.”

We’re supposed to be doing these things, aren’t we? These are the best years of our lives and all that crap.

“It’s just you’ve got more to lose than they have. We’re worried about you. It’s not really my thing. I’m not exactly a waster, like yo– like that lot. I spent Friday night watching
The Great British Bake Off
and balling my socks. But
you
don’t seem to cope so well with the after-effects. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I’m fine. Like you said, you don’t know anything about it.” Anger wraps around my head and chest.

“Finn’s corrupting you.” Coming from Lauren, this hits me in the gut.

“Before you know it,” Sienna says, “you’ll be working a life sentence at Asda, still getting wrecked at every opportunity, while Finn Jr steals money from your purse to go out and get trolleyed with Daddy down the pub every night.”

“You paint a pretty picture, Sienna.”

I want them to stop talking. I want to put my hands to my ears and scream to block them out, but something stops me. Am I fighting with them … or me?

“I didn’t see it before but Finn’s charm is just an act,” Lauren says. “He’s always thinking about himself, how things can benefit him. Does he tell you why you’re his perfect girl? Or does he just flatter you? Does he show an interest in your life at all? He’s good-looking, sure, but what about the rest? I bet he can’t even list your AS-levels. How can he love you if he pushes you to do things that jeopardize your future? Think about it.”

Stop talking, please stop talking.

I don’t want to think about it. Finn and I have made a perfect little world and no one can destroy it. I feel cold, like the room has just dropped five degrees. I tense all over, barriers up. Too late. The ideas are already setting up camp in my mind, lighting a fire that’s bound to spread until it consumes me. I bring my hand to my cheek, wiping a tear.

“I think you should go.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you but you’ve got to wake up. He’s bad news.”

I thought they were my friends.

Yet … I don’t think I’d be so mad and upset unless I was beginning to think they might be right.

I think about the changes I’ve made to fit in with Finn’s lifestyle. It’s what I’ve wanted, but somehow, I don’t feel like myself any more. And what has he sacrificed for this relationship? I can’t think of a single thing.

I try to shake off these thoughts.
He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He said it and that has to mean something.

Last night Finn and I stayed up doing pills, just the two of us. It seemed like a good idea and I wanted to feel close to him and prove Sienna and Lauren wrong: we were in love, and I could do whatever drugs I wanted and get by just fine, thank you. That was yesterday. Now at school, reality is kicking in with a crash and a wallop and an almighty BANG and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

I sit at a desk with JACK BRACER IS SHITE IN BED etched into its surface, and get out my textbook.

The words blur:
Unit 2 – Biological Psychology, including stress, factors affecting stress, coping with stress, managing stress.

Relevant, at least.

Where’s Finn? He’s supposed to be here.

Finn, Lauren, Sienna … they’re from different worlds, and I’m in this weird limbo between them. I mean, they’re all important to me. I wish we could all be mates. I even dared entertain the idea of Finn and Sienna being friends – until I realized Lauren and Sienna will never again think of Finn as just the charismatic joker, the nice guy with the slight problem with authority. Now they see him as someone else, someone darker.

How can I say to Finn,
My friends think you’re driving me into the ground with all the brain-melt drugs and sleepless nights out gallivanting
?
They think I should show you where to shove it
…? I don’t have the words.

Plus, I guess I don’t want to end the dream, even if it’s turning into a nightmare.

I yawn.

Concentrate, Carla.

I read somewhere that we remember ten per cent of what we read, fifty percent of what we see and hear, and ninety per cent of what we say and experience. Maybe if I read the page ten times I’ll retain it all. What if I read it aloud twice? Will that work? Maybe if I just focus instead of procrastinating about how best to learn it, I’ll actually remember some of it. I get my head down and fill it with words like
hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal
and
neurotransmitter.

My head drops forwards. I could close my eyes, just for a second…

It’s April and bright but summer hasn’t quite taken the bait yet. We’re still fishing for it in the cool waters of late spring. A caterpillar crawls along my wrist. “Hello,” I whisper. At my fingertip it forms a chrysalis, then emerges, wings magnificent golds and oranges and purples. It darts and spirals and corkscrews and flits. So beautiful. So graceful… It falls into my palm, grey, lifeless, crumbles to dust…

“Are we boring you, Miss Carroll?” asks Green.

I jerk awake.

“No, sir.”

I chew the end of my pencil. Fat Mike taps me on the shoulder. “Finn wants to see you after school. By the fire escape.”

“Where is he? Why didn’t he text me?”

He shrugs. “Martinez confiscated his phone.”

“Oh.”

An hour later I’m three-quarters of the way down the page, having copied it out perfectly, diagrams and all. The drawings are impressive, considering how unbelievably tired I am, but the information I’ve assimilated is minimal.

No sign of Finn in Chemistry. Paluk slaps a detention on me for not turning in an assignment.

At lunch Isaac’s stare bores into the back of my head.

I somehow survive Biology. Our seats are allocated for the whole year, so Lauren, Sienna and I sit together in stony silence, still reeling from our argument.

Slinky nudges me awake
three
times in English Lit. I get another detention. This is turning into one craptacular day. All I want to do is
sleep
.

The bell dings and I slam my book shut, grab my bag and coat and leave.

In the corridor, Martinez stops me.

“Off to see that lad of yours? Give him this, please.”

He hands me Finn’s phone.

On my way to meet Finn, his phone vibrates in my pocket. A text from Isaac.

I’m curious. I know it’s wrong but I press
OPEN.

Hello, uber-mistake.

Reading your boyfriend’s texts will always turn out badly. Dating 101, right?

Mate, wot r u doin? She can’t handle it.

What does he mean? It takes a minute but then I wonder,
Does Isaac mean me?
Does he think I’m some loser little girl who can’t handle her drugs?

Outside, I chew over whether to mention the text to Finn. I watch the clouds turn charcoal. They’ve been teasing us mortals with five-minute showers every half-hour for the last week. Leaning against the yellow brick wall, breathing deep, I feel like I’m being fed something wholesome: clean air. I fill my lungs but that brings on the cough I’m getting from all the smoking.

The fire-escape door bursts open. A figure emerges, wrapped in a navy coat and with several days’ stubble, rugged and almost wild-looking.

“Isaac?”

“I didn’t think you’d come if I asked. I got Mike to say Finn wanted to meet you.”

“What’s the matter? Is Finn OK?”

“Yeah. He’s fine. But, Carla, I can’t stand it. I tried, for his sake, but I can’t. He’ll mess you up. He’s just thinking of himself, he can’t see that you’re fragile. He conveniently forgets that actions have consequences.”

Mad fury takes hold, swelling inside me, hot and wild, barely controllable. I swallow hard, attempting to quell it. I’m
fragile
?
Fragile?
I can’t
handle it
?

“You don’t need to party so much,” Isaac says. I can hardly process, let alone respond to, his words. My anger just builds, my whole body buzzing. “I mean, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, it’s just … I care about you. You’re better than this. Finn, he’s only out for himself, instant gratification. Never thinks about what happens next. I don’t want to see you hurt, sucked in … but it’s happening and … it’s agonizing … watching you become the fallout of
his
bad decisions.”

His voice becomes soft, but impassioned. “Look at me,” he says. I glance up. “I think you’re amazing.”

I snap my gaze away, downwards; kick a leaf from my shoe, then look up again, searching for truth in his eyes.

Fuck, fuck… He means it. He really means it.
The rage inside me shifts to confusion, excitement, a spectrum of emotions. My pulse is a battering ram, punch-punch-punching.

“You’re amazing, and you don’t even know it.”

Isaac hesitates, summoning courage, but he’s come this far; there’s no stopping him now. I can feel his heat, his breath across my cheek, the tingling there.

“Something inside you is breaking,” he says. “I can see you trying to patch it with Finn, the drugs, all of it. But I know, I
know
, it won’t work. That stuff, it’s just a crutch, a cloak, a hiding place… It’s not
real
. You start to believe you need it all to be … you. You don’t, Carla. You don’t need all that. You’re already … I mean, just the way you… Everything about you is … is … already perfect. You’re funny, really quick, did you know that? You’re hands-down the best draw-er I’ve ever met, and I think … you’re exceptional. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Time stands still, life on
PAUSE
. We contemplate each other, with all the “what ifs” and alternative-universe scenarios where things might have been different between us. I feel like helium, floating.

But no. I’m nothing without… What am I but the invisible girl?

I press
PLAY
, time resumes and I plummet to earth.

What am I thinking? My mind’s playing tricks on me. Twisted as a double helix. All I want is Finn. Not Isaac. I’m amazing? Whatever! Isaac’s playing a game. Trying to manipulate me into breaking up with Finn. I take myself off
MUTE
.

“What are you talking about? I’m fine. I’m OK. I
can handle it.
” I stretch the words to their most emphatic. I shove Finn’s phone into Isaac’s hand. I want him to know I’ve read his message. How dare he stick his oar in? He gives me the evil eye all year, hardly says a word to me, then spurts off a load of crap about me getting my act together? Out. Of. Order.

“I care about you, Carla. Don’t let Finn destroy you.”

I feel hot and my chest starts to thump.
Breathe, Carla.
“Look, Is—” I begin, but I’m cut short. Finn appears in the open doorway, gripping the frame, fuming. A pulse of adrenalin zooms around my body.

“I can’t believe you’re trying it on with my girlfriend!”

“I’m not trying it on. I’m just sick of you not listening. She deserves better. You’ll hurt her.”

“I’m right here!” I interject. Can’t take this verbal slanging match. Kids fighting over a toy. “You’re just trying to mess things up for us!” I shout at Isaac.

“No, Carla, I’m not,” he replies. But I don’t want to hear it.

Finn clenches his fists, steps out of the doorway and squares up to Isaac.

“Oh yeah, you’re concerned about Carla’s welfare? Whatever, mate. You’re jealous. You’re just jealous,” he insists.

“I’m not listening to this,” I say, but neither hears me. The blood’s running too hot and thick between their ears.

“Why are you trying to ruin things? We’re fine. I love Carla. Leave it. Just go, will you?”

Isaac shakes his head. They lock eyes, stubborn as each other.

Finn’s body expands like a balloon, his ever-so-red, perfect lips twitch. “Go!” he shouts again. “Get out of here!”