Drifting into Darkness (33 page)

“Come on, baby, try again. You can do it.”

I relaxed for a moment before I tried again. I still wasn’t sure what was going on, but I needed to see.

Slowly, I pried my eyes open. As soon as the brightness hit my pupils, I waited a minute for my eyes to adjust. Then, I finally opened them. Everything was blurry at first. I had to blink a couple of times in order to see.

The first thing I recognized was my mom who had tears running down her cheeks.

“Mom?” I mumbled in a rough, raspy voice. I coughed to clear my throat and a shooting pain flowed through out my body.

My mom leaned down to me. “Oh, honey, don’t move. Dad should be here any minute.”

I frowned as I looked around. It was then I noticed that I was in fact in a hospital room.

“What…”

“Just relax, sweetie. Try not to move. I’m sure you’re in a lot of pain now that you’re awake.”

Now that I’m awake?
Yes, I winced. I was definitely in pain and I couldn’t move my legs. I was a few minutes away from having a panic attack. I moaned in pain as I tried to sit up. Forgetting that Mom just told me not to move.

“Just lay still, baby. Dad should be here any minute. Erin went to go get him.”

“She’s awake?” I heard my dad and turned my head to the left to see him standing there in his scrubs and lab coat.

“Dad?” I mumbled.

Mom stood up from her chair as Dad walked to the side of the bed. “She just woke up a few minutes ago. She’s trying to move and looks like she’s in pain. She needs pain meds, Adam.” She was crying as she looked from me to Dad.

I watched them with a frown. I was so confused. I still had no idea what the heck was going on. Someone needed to start talking. Why was I here?

I looked toward the door and squinted in confusion. “Erin? What…” I coughed, jerking my body and groaned at the pain.
Oh, my God, I think I’m going to die.
The pain in my head was excruciating. “My head,” I moaned as I brought my hand up and felt something wrapped around my head.

Dad grabbed my hand. “Honey, look at me.” I blinked a few times and looked at him, squinting my eyes. The pain was causing me to want to close my eyes and drift back to sleep. “You’ve had some head trauma, Sadie. You’re at the hospital where I work.” I frowned, not understanding how I even got there. “Do you remember anything that happened?”

I looked at my mom and then to Erin. They were both crying. I shook my head no and winced at the pain. I didn’t understand. “Why is everyone crying?” I looked up at my dad. “What happened?”

My dad looked at my mom and she shook her head. Then he looked back to me. “Let’s let you rest for a little bit and we’ll talk about it again later.”

I shook my head and grabbed his hand that was resting on the bed. “No. Tell me. What is going on? How long have I been here?” I looked around the room expecting the answer to jump out at me. I should know this.

He sat down on the chair that my mom vacated. He licked his lips and sighed. He looked tired, which was not normal for him. “You’ve been here for almost a week.” I frowned again and looked to Mom for confirmation. She only nodded her head.

“Tell…” I coughed again. My throat was so dry. “Water,” I mumbled. Mom grabbed a container from the table next to the bed and reached her hand out to me holding an ice cube.

“Your stomach has been empty too long; drinking too much water will shock it. So ice is better for now.”

I opened my mouth and took the ice cube, closing my eyes as the coolness soothed my dry throat. When the ice cube finally melted, I tried talking again. “Tell me,” I cleared my throat, “what happened.”

Dad squeezed my hand. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

I stared at my dad’s face as I thought about the question.
What is the last thing I remember?
I squinted my eyes as I thought about it. “I remember…” I trailed off as I racked my brain. “I remember working.” I stated as I stared at the ceiling. There was something else, but I just…Landon. I looked at my mom. “Where’s Landon?” I looked around the room as if he’d magically appear. “Has he been here? He must be worried.”

I could tell she was holding back. She was biting her lips as if to stop them from trembling. I knew that look and it was scaring me. I looked to Dad. “Tell me,” I pleaded as a tear escaped my eye. “What is going on? You guys are freaking me out.”

“Do you remember what you did last Friday? Lisa said you took the day off.” I watched Mom as she looked to Erin and walked to the other side of the bed to stand next to me. “Take your time and think about it,” my dad added. “You’ve been in a coma for four days so we need to make sure your memory is intact.”

“A coma? What the hell?” I looked back and forth between the two.

“Shhh,” Dad tried to soothe. “Just try and focus. You took the day off. Where did you go?”

I tried to remember, but I was drawing a blank. Looking at my dad, I shook my head. I couldn’t remember. I was getting mad. Mad that he wouldn’t just tell me what the hell was going on. Mad because I couldn’t remember a damn thing. “Just tell me, damn it,” I tried to shout, but I only caused a pain to shoot through my head. “Can I get some medicine?” I asked, raising my hand to my head with a groan.

“I’ll get you some meds in just a few minutes. It’ll knock you out and I’d like you to be awake for a little while longer.”

I nodded in agreement. “Okay, well if you want me to remember, then I’m going to need a little help. I can’t…think,” I said agitated.

Dad squeezed my hand. “It’s to be expected after the kind of injury you sustained to your head.” He looked up at Mom. “Grab the pad off the counter and show it to her. Maybe that will help,” he suggested and then looked at me. “Sadie, I want you to know I’m not prolonging this on purpose, okay? I’m trying to do what’s best for you as your doctor as well as your father. I want to rule out posttraumatic amnesia. Although, that is what it’s starting to look like. I want to try one more thing to see if we can trigger a memory for you.”

I frowned, but nodded in agreement. Mom walked to the side of the bed holding one of my sketchpads. I looked at her confused. “Where did you get that?” I was almost defensive. I kept all my sketches in my side table.

She had such a sad look on her face that I was regretting the tone I just used. “You left this on your living room table on Friday.” She handed the pad to me. “You drew the last picture Friday morning or afternoon. I only know because it’s dated.”

I looked at both of my parents as I held the pad in my hand. They didn’t know I drew. I felt a little self-conscious at the thought of them looking through the pad without my knowledge.

Looking down at the pad, I flipped it open and turned the pages until I got to the very last picture. I frowned as I looked at it. I didn’t remember drawing a picture of Landon. I trailed my fingers over the sketch. He was so beautiful. I pictured his smile as he….
wait a minute
.

I set the pad down as pictures flashed in my mind, the truck, the pond, the picnic, making love, his car, then…

I looked at my mom wide-eyed as everything played in my head. I started shaking my head as fat tears started rolling down the sides of my cheeks into my ears. “Where is he, Mom?”

She just looked at me shaking her head too, and then lifted a hand to her mouth. I looked at Dad, but he looked down at our joined hands. I snatched my hand away. My chest was heaving as I tried to hold in my sobbing. I looked at Erin who was crying silently in the corner.

I kept shaking my head no, because it couldn’t be true. “No, you’re lying. You don’t even have to say anything,” I said, raising my voice. “It’s not true.”

“Shhhh, Sadie,” my dad said softly. I looked at him, at the sympathetic look he was giving me and he shook his head. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, but he didn’t make it.”

My face scrunched up as pain shot through my body. “NO!” I yelled, ignoring the pain. “No, no, no, no,” I sobbed.

Mom was at my side rubbing my head. “Shhhh,” she tried to soothe as I felt her tears hitting my arm.

I closed my eyes to remember his face. I was just with him. There was no way he was gone.

I could hear my mom talking to my dad, saying something about the pain meds, but I tuned them out. I was remembering. The pieces were finally there. The pond. How he gently caressed my cheek before kissing me, the way he touched me as we made love. I had just found him. He couldn’t be taken from me already.

Silent tears fell down my cheeks as I started to feel myself getting sleepy.

“I just put some medicine in your IV, sweetie. We’ll talk more when you wake back up,” Dad whispered in my ear.

I opened my eyes for a brief moment and looked up at my mom. My body felt weightless as the medicine flowed through my veins. I was devastated, but I had no more energy to cry. “What am I going to do?” I mumbled quietly as I closed my eyes once again.

“Live, Sadie. You’re going to live,” she spoke softly as she continued to stroke my forehead.

Live.
I repeated in my head as I drifted off to sleep.

~*~

I woke up a few hours later and stared at the ceiling. As soon as my eyes opened, I thought about Landon. The last thing he said to me was my name. How will I ever forget that moment? The whole scene played in my head over and over again. I needed to know what went wrong.

“Sadie?” I looked to the side to see Erin sitting in the chair next to the bed. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“How long have you been here?”

“I flew in the day after your mom called. I’m not going to leave until I know you’re going to be all right,” she said as she set the magazine down that she was looking at.

I looked back up at the ceiling. “I have questions I need answered,” I told her, holding back the tears that wanted to spill over.

“Okay,” she said quietly. “I know a lot so…if you think you can handle—”

“How did it happen?” I asked, cutting her off.

I closed my eyes as she started to talk.

“I met Lisa in the waiting room when I got here; she told me what happened.” I heard her sigh, but kept my eyes closed. “She said when Landon tried to drift around the turn, he hit a patch of sand, causing the back end of the car to swerve out more than he intended it to. So when he tried to get control of the car, he overcorrected, causing the car to head straight to the trees.”

I tightly squeezed my eyes shut as I thought about those last few moments before impact. The plume of smoke and the fear on his face as he knew we were going to hit. I tried to hold the tears back, but they slid from my eyes. “How…” I cleared my throat and rubbed my lips together as I willed myself not to break out into a sob. “How did he die?” I choked out.

I turned my head to the side so I couldn’t see her and stared at the wall as I let the tears fall. I didn’t want to know or believe that he was actually dead, but I
needed
to know.

She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Are you sure you want to know?” she asked quietly.

I nodded my head and continued to stare at the wall. “He died on impact. The driver’s side took the hit the worst. You hit your head on the passenger window when the car hit the tree, which caused you to black out.”

My shoulders shook uncontrollably as I cried quietly.

“Oh, Sadie,” she cried. “I’m so so sorry.” I felt her arms wrap me in a hug as best as she could. “I’m so sorry.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, attempting to stifle my tears. “Is there going to be a funeral?” I asked, getting control of my crying.

She backed up and we both sniffed away the tears. “They actually had the funeral yesterday.” She shook her head as my face scrunched up into another cry. “I’m so sorry. I’m sure they would have waited if they’d known you’d wake up.”

I held my hand up, and then wiped at my nose. “I couldn’t have gone anyway. I don’t think I would have been able to handle it.” I looked at her as a cry burst from my lips. “My heart hurts so bad.”

I felt like my mended heart had been ripped out of my chest. I’d just found him and now he was gone. How was I supposed to get past that? There were still so many things I wanted to say and do. So many kisses and touches I’d never get to do. I felt broken and hollow.

Erin stayed with me for a few hours until Mom came back from showering and getting something to eat.

Dad came in a little while later to check up on me. He needed to take me for some scans to make sure everything was still okay, but it looked like I would be out of there within a few days, a week at the latest. By then, the bruising I had sustained should have dissipated. I did have a sprained ankle though, so that would take another four weeks before I could walk on it.

When I was finally able to go home, I stayed at the main house so I wouldn’t have to walk up the stairs in my brace. I also think it was because Mom and Dad wanted to look after me. I was going through my stages of grief, and depression hit me hard.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson came to visit me the following week and it wasn’t easy to see them, but I made it through. They were still going through grief themselves, so I understood why they didn’t stay long. I did however take that opportunity to quit my job. There was no way I’d be able to go back to work. I didn’t want to put myself through that.

Lisa came to visit me too that week. I was happy and sad to see her, but out of everyone, she was the one who tried her damnedest to cheer me up even though she was probably hurting just as much as me. Landon was like a brother to her, and despite her own grief and pain, she was bringing movies and popcorn over so we could get lost in movie dramas.

The thought brought me back to the night Landon and I tried to watch Titanic, but I pushed it from my mind. I had to cherish those memories and stop letting them make me so sad. I had to do what he wanted me to do. What he always told me in my dreams.
Live.

And that’s what I planned on doing.

Twenty Three