Dreams Unleashed (12 page)

"It's just beautiful," I told her.

"Do you think daddy will like it?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll get it. I want something that I can always look at and remember this day."

Elinor bought her commemorative hat and we left the shop.

Her class was gathering for the lesson just as we made our way behind the lodge. I showed Elinor how to put on her skis and then left her to her class. As I was walking back to the lodge, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket, playing Nirvana's "Come As You Are," which was my ring tone for Armond's calls. I opened my phone and saw that he had sent me a self-posed picture in the backcountry ski area. He wasn't yet covered with snow, so he was obviously at the top of the ski run. I smiled at the picture. Armond was beaming.

I put the phone back in my jacket pocket and walked over to the big lodge, securing my skis in the public holder outside. I then went in to get some hot chocolate. Fifteen minutes later, cocoa in hand, I walked over to the bunny hill area where Elinor's class was learning how to snow plow. I took out my small camera and snapped pictures of Elinor's first lesson. She was doing pretty well for an awkward fourteen-year-old. A half-hour later, my cup was empty, and I walked back over to get my skis, in anticipation of Elinor's hour-long lesson ending. As I dropped my cup into the garbage, my heart felt like it had skipped a beat, and I had to steady myself.

Passing the lodge, I heard some commotion behind me. I then saw a rescue team hastily assembling and heard the words "...caught in an avalanche...."

Turning abruptly, I approached one of the members of the avalanche team.

"Which part of the mountain had the avalanche?" I asked directly.

"Right now all I know is that it's in the wilderness area accessible from White Salmon," the worker quickly answered.

I backed away.

"Are you all right?" the worker asked me.

"My husband's up there," I responded in a numb voice.

"You'd better sit down," she said, seeing my shock.

"I'm okay," I responded, briskly turning to face Elinor's ski class, trying to restrain my mounting panic.

Elinor saw me and waved. I waved back with a forced smile.

I felt sick inside, imagining Armond buried in the snow, my thoughts racing, telling myself that he could still be okay. That niggling sensation redoubled, and then nervousness overcame me.

Standing there, I watched Elinor finish her lesson as my mind reeled. I'd been going over the words in my mind, trying to figure out how to tell her what I already knew in my gut.

It was two hours before they found him. The way he had finally landed after crashing in the surf of the avalanche left him able to breathe, although he was partially buried. The rescue crew said they wouldn't have found him without the beacon he'd been wearing.

I held Elinor by the shoulders as I told her. She cried hard, trying to catch her breath.

The woman who had been updating us regularly approached.

"Ann, can I speak with you?" she asked. It was the seriousness in her eyes that prompted me to take a few steps away from Elinor as we spoke.

"How is he?" I asked her, as she turned me so that my back was to Elinor.

"Armond is about to arrive. He is conscious and asking for you."

"Thank God," I exclaimed.

"I must warn you Ann, he's critical. He has several fractures and very serious internal injuries."

I couldn't hold back the dam of tears I had successfully kept at bay for Elinor's sake.

"I'm sorry," I blurted to the rescue worker.

"Oh, it's okay. You have every reason to be emotional. You must prepare yourself, though. It's pretty bad," she warned.

Is this it
?
Is this all I get...all Elinor gets
?
How can I finish raising her without you
? I asked Armond silently.

"Ann, I can keep Elinor with me while you see him," the rescue worker said, interrupting my thoughts.

That, more than anything else she had said, chilled me, numbness creeping into my hands, my legs, my face. "Is he that bad, that she can't see him too?"

"Yes."

"Give me a minute to think," I asked, trying to calm my racing thoughts.

After a minute of silence, I said, "Armond has a Do Not Resuscitate order filed with his doctor. He would want you to know that," I said flatly, trying to let my mind take the lead over my emotions.

"Okay. Just a minute Ann," she responded with a nod.

She radioed the rescue extraction team.

"Ten-four on the DNR," I heard them confirm by radio.

"I would like you to keep my daughter with you when Armond arrives, but I need to ask you to keep her somewhere close where she can at least see him from a ways off. Okay?" I asked her.

"Yes of course, Ann; I'll do that."

"Let me tell Elinor," I said.

I turned around and walked back to Elinor while the rescue worker followed.

She saw it on my face, eyes widening, and she began to shake her head emphatically. I rushed the last few feet and hugged her hard.

"Oh sweetie, sweetie, my darling," I consoled her.

After a few minutes in our sorrowful embrace, I took Elinor's arms and held her face-to-face with me. "When daddy gets here, I'm gonna go over there and see him. You'll stay here with this rescue worker..."

"What's your name?" I turned my head, asking her.

"Cosette."

"...Cosette will stay here with you for a few minutes while I see Daddy. Let me see how he is first, okay?"

"No, I want to stay with you, Mommy," Elinor pleaded, small and vulnerable, a little girl again, instead of our awkward teenager.

I hugged her again, holding on, thinking.

"Give me just a minute with Daddy alone, then Cosette will bring you over, okay?" I asked her.

"Okay, Mommy," she responded, acquiescing.

I kissed her on the forehead once more, then put my cheek to her head, looking over to Cosette in a silent plea to take care of my Elinor.

After releasing her, I rushed over to the staging area, after seeing the rescue sled approach.

As the team stopped, they lifted Armond onto the emergency assessment table, where a medical team waited. Armond saw me. Our eyes locked. Around him, the rescuers were quickly relaying vitals to the medical staff, but I only saw my beloved. Without permission, I moved to his head.

"It's okay babe, I know," I whispered to him, choking the words out through my tears.

"I'm sorry," he labored, with a weak raspy breath.

"Don't you leave! We haven't had enough time..." I pleaded with him.

"Love you both," he softly interrupted.

"Don't. Don't. We need you," I begged, realizing he was saying goodbye.

His eyes blazed into mine. As I moved to kiss him, I heard him barely whisper, "The Herkimer. Believe..." My lips grazed his forehead, cold and clammy, and I drew back, but he was gone, eyes staring past and through me, vacant.

Sorrow took control of every cell of my being, and I could only respond with heaving sobs. There was no thought, no language, no time, only tormented wailing that erupted from me as our two souls were torn apart, one in this world, one departing for the next.

The medical team quietly backed away.

I held my husband as Elinor rushed over to us.

I turned to her crying, "Oh darling, darling. Daddy's gone. He's gone."

"Daddy," she called out, mustering him.

No reply.

With all of the courage that a fourteen-year-old girl could summon, Elinor gathered up her father, kissed him on the forehead, and whispered, "Goodbye, daddy. Watch over me," as tears fell from her eyes onto his lifeless face, with her new hat perched upon her head.

At that, neither of us could hold back our desperate grief; we sobbed together, holding him until the tears cleansed our minds, replacing thinking with a numb existence.

They called it shock. I suppose it was. I barely remember the drive off the mountain. Cosette was kind enough to take us to Aunt Saundra's house in Bellingham. I guess someone from the rescue team called ahead and prepared my Aunt, because when we arrived, she was waiting for us.

"Hi," I softly greeted her at the door with Elinor at my side.

My aunt hugged us both hard, silence buffering her own grief from us.

Finally releasing us, she said, "I'm sure you both need rest. Let's get you upstairs, where I've made up beds for you."

"Thank you, Saundra," I replied.

We solemnly began treading upstairs. I stopped after several steps, and Elinor followed. I turned toward the front door, where Aunt Saundra quietly talked with the relief worker.

"Cosette, thank you," I offered with as much voice as I could summon.

"You're welcome, Ann. I'll think of you both," she responded.

I tried to smile, but failed. I broke eye contact with Cosette, looked at my aunt for a moment with nothing else to say, then turned and continued slowly up the stairs with my arm around Elinor.

"Mommy, I want to sleep with you, okay?" she pleaded softly.

"Of course, sweetie," I replied with empathy, gently kissing the side of her head.

We entered the room at the top of the stairs that seemed ready for us. The sheets were turned down on the queen bed in the large room, and a vanilla candle was burning on the dresser.

I appreciated my aunt's kind gesture. Seeing the candle, Elinor turned to me, putting her head on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay," I whispered, with my arms around her. "We're going to be okay. Daddy will watch over us."

Saundra appeared in the doorway. "I've got some pajamas set out for both of you, from when you stayed here before, so there's no need to worry about anything," she assured us. I was again grateful for her kindness.

"Thank you, Saundra," I responded, flatly.

"Do you want some herbal tea?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"I think we'll just sleep," I said, looking around the room.

"Both of you---just tell me anything you need---and I'll get it."

"Tomorrow I'll need to get our things from the rental cottage on the mountain and check out."

"We'll worry about that tomorrow, Ann. And you don't have to get it; I'll work that out. Just rest yourself now. You can stay with me for as long as you want," she protectively offered.

Both Elinor and I dressed down quickly and dropped into bed like we were unaccustomed to gravity. Exhaustion drew us quickly to sleep.

After sleeping for five hours, I awoke suddenly.

I quietly left the bed, careful not to awaken Elinor, and walked down the hall to my aunt's bedroom. "Saundra?" I whispered quietly.

I had always been very close to my aunt; she was kind and gentle. Besides my husband and daughter, I was closer to her than anyone else.

She slowly awoke from sleep, "What is it, dear?"

"Can you talk for a bit?" I asked.

"Of course, come snuggle here with me," she said, pulling the bed covers aside.

I lay in the bed with her, with her pillows behind us and Saundra's arm wrapped around me, holding me to her carefully.

"What is it?" she questioned.

"At the end..." I started to softly cry. "Armond said, 'The Herkimer. Believe...'"

"What? What was he talking about?"

"It was as if he was going to say something else, but he didn't have enough time."

"What do you think he was going to say?"

"I don't know. Do you remember when I told you about the Herkimer crystals my dad and I found when I was a girl?"

"Of course I remember. Your dad was buried wearing his crystal around his neck."

"Well, I've been going over it in my mind, and I just don't understand why Armond would mention the Herkimer then. Was he remembering a conversation we had about it, or something else? Those were his last words, and I have no idea what they mean."

"With time, Ann, you'll understand. Have faith in that," she consoled me. "We're not always meant to know right away. Give it time," she offered with a squeeze to my shoulder and a kiss on my forehead.

I snuggled into her and allowed myself to be comforted.

We stayed with Aunt Saundra for two weeks after burying Armond in Bellingham. Since we had both grown up there, it seemed like the right place for him to rest. Even though we had lived in the Washington D.C. area for a long time, Armond and I had always talked of moving to Bellingham when the right professional situations came up for us both. After the funeral and some time passing, I started to crave being back home again. There was a part of me that was reluctant to leave Armond, but Elinor and I finally flew home on a solemn plane ride, so that we could begin to put the pieces of our life back together. I wondered if I would still feel him near if we flew away, but I had to, for Elinor.