Dreams Don't Wait (Contemporary romance) (23 page)

She stared at him, trying to ignore this new rip in her heart. "You
are
serious?" She couldn't take it in.
This was Cal, her Cal.

Silence was her only answer as her son resolutely studied the floor. His lower lip quivered, and he bit it till it whitened, holding it under his teeth.

Evan never knew how painful silence could be until that moment. The hurt it inflicted was as violent, as agonizing, as a physical wound. Her energy drained from her with a suddenness that made her weak. Unable to bear his denial, she turned to face the counter, leaned on it for support.

"Fine," she said tersely. "If that's what you want, Cal. I won't try to stop you. When I tell Linc about my decision tonight, I'll ask him if you can stay on. I'll let you know what he says later." Hoping that he'd change his mind, she kept her back to him, her eyes closed, waiting—until she heard the door close.

She dropped her head between her shoulders then and wept. Everything was a mess. She couldn't believe Cal would desert her. Dear God, his face, the disappointment. He'd looked as if he hated her. And he probably did. She had little doubt that Linc would feel the same way.

* * *

At two o'clock Linc called to tell them Maud was making a special dinner to celebrate Jenny's safe return. Evan's wits scattered at the sound of his deep voice; it went straight to her heart. She couldn't imagine how she was going to say good-bye—but say it she must. It was best for everyone. She'd thought about nothing else since this morning.

And Cal? She'd thought about him, too. He'd come to understand. He had to. That was teenage disappointment this morning, nothing more.

"Evan. Did you hear me?" Linc cut in on her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, no. What did you say?"

"I asked if six o'clock's okay."

Evan glanced toward Cal's bedroom door; it was still closed. "Fine. Six is fine. We'll be there." She accepted for both of them. "How's Jenny... and Copper?"

Linc chuckled softly. "They're both okay. Resilient beings—kids and dogs. Looking at them today, you'd never guess what a hell yesterday was. This parenting definitely has a dark side."

You're telling me, Evan thought, looking again at Cal's closed door. Lost in thought, she didn't answer.

"Is something wrong?" Linc asked.

"No. Nothing."

"Good." Linc's tone lowered, turned intimate. "I'd like your answer, Evan. You are thinking about it, aren't you—about us?"

Words crowded into her mind, but they lacked substance and were inadequate. "Yes." At least that was true. She hadn't thought of anything else since yesterday.

"And you're sure everything's okay?"

"Everything's fine." She didn't want to say any more, not now, not on the telephone. "We'll talk later—after dinner."

There was a strained moment before he spoke again. His words were clipped. "I think I'll let you talk while I listen. See you at six."

Evan replaced the receiver and, for a time, stared vacantly at the hand still resting on the phone, every cell, nerve, and muscle in her body at war.

When she finally turned, it was to see Cal's eyes fixed on her, his expression a mixture of anger, confusion, and... grief.

"Why are you doing this, Mom? I don't get it."

"Cal, I'm not sure I can make you understand."
When I don't understand myself.
Linc was every woman's dream. But she had another dream, a dream that had sustained her and carried her through her darkest days. A dream not easily vanquished. A dream that held its ground.

"So try."

"Okay." Evan walked to the window. "I want... time—for me. You would call it space. There's things I want to do.
Just for me
. School. Travel. Can you understand that?"

His expression didn't change, but his brow furrowed. Evan's heart sank. For over half her life she'd loved him to the exclusion of all else, and while she wouldn't trade a day of it, she'd dreamed of a time when she'd be someone other than a mother and provider. How could she expect him to understand her selfish yearning to reclaim a part of the life she'd forfeited so many years ago?

His expression confirmed his confusion, but she plunged on. "I want the freedom to do what I want. I don't want... responsibility to anyone other than myself."

"We have to move because you think Linc's a responsibility?" He looked more confused than ever.

"Not Linc exactly," she said.
Oh God, this was hopeless
. He'd never understand. At his age everything was black or white, no grays, no such thing as mixed emotions. "Let's just forget it."

He eyed her intensely, then cut to the bone. "Jenny. You don't want Jenny. That's it, isn't it?" He looked at her in much the same way she'd looked at the raw oysters. "So what's the matter with her? Not up to your standard or something?"

"Cal! How can you say such a thing?"

"So what then?" His face was stony. "She's too much trouble? What?" His voice rose an octave.

Evan's temper flared. She fought it down. "It has nothing to do with anything like that. I love Jenny. I just don't want to..."

"Be her mother. Is that what you're trying to say?"

Hearing Linc's voice, she spun around, felt the blood drain from her face. He was leaning in the open doorway, and while his stance was casual, his body was rigid with hurt and anger. She had no idea how long he'd been there. His gaze raked over her in cold appraisal as if he were seeing her for the first time.

"That
is
what you meant, isn't it?"

"It's not what you think. I—" She hesitated.

He lifted a hand, cut her off. "Forget it. I don't need an explanation. I've had lots of experience with
non-maternal
women." Almost to himself, he added, "By now I should recognize the type."

He straightened, moving away from the door, his blue eyes cold with contempt. "Maud's sister called, right after we hung up. Dinner's off," he said. "Their mother has taken a bad turn. I'm driving Maud there now. I came down because I thought you might like to go with Jenny and me." He gave her a frozen stare. "Some jackass idea, right?" Without another word, he walked out of the cabin.

Evan glanced at a stricken Cal, then followed Linc out the door. He was halfway up the path to the house before she caught up with him.

She touched his arm, and he shook her off, but he did stop. Pinning her with a cold, impatient stare, he said, "What do you want? Maud's waiting."

"I want you to understand.
It's not what you think. I love Jenny. You know I do. It's because I—"

"I don't want to hear this," he said wearily. "Look, you don't want Jenny, and you don't want me. I get the picture."

God, please help me make him understand.
"I love you, Linc..."

He snorted.

"And I love Jenny."

This time he rolled his eyes.

Evan went on, ignoring her own rising temper. "But I want to love myself, too. This relationship with you... it, uh, caught me off guard." She took a deep breath and met his steely gaze. "I had plans of my own and—"

"And you aren't about to change them for me—especially not for Jenny. Right?" His eyes narrowed, turned speculative. "It was yesterday, wasn't it. Jenny going missing."

"This has nothing to do with yesterday," she lied.

"I don't believe you."

Maybe yesterday had been the catalyst—making her come to her senses. All she knew was that if she couldn't do right by Jenny—become the mother she deserved—it was best she leave. She squared her shoulders. "I told you when I came here I wasn't looking for a husband... a child..."

"So you did. I guess all the time we spent together addled my brain. I thought you'd changed your mind, and here all you were out for was some good sex. My mistake."

Evan recoiled.

He leaned toward her, took her chin in his hand, and laid final claim to her mouth with a hard, dispassionate kiss. Still holding her face to his, he gave her a cold smile. "Of course, we could go back to my original
tasteless
proposition. You know, the one where you warm my bed but stay the hell out of my life." He pulled his hand back. "You're good in bed. I'll give you that. One of the best I've ever had."

Evan's eyes filled with tears, and she bit her lip. He was hurt, he wanted to hurt back. Fair enough. Blinking hard, she said, "We'll be gone as soon as I can find a place."

His eyes darkened with pain, but he quickly dispelled it. "Good." Without another word, he strode up the path.

Evan wrapped her arms around herself and watched him go through a fog of tears.

It was done.

* * *

It wasn't easy finding a place near the university, especially during the first week of classes. But Evan lucked out. The tiny basement apartment was available in two weeks. Two weeks, she sighed. Forever.

Dropping her sweater and bag on the chair nearest the door, she headed for the beach. The cabin was far too empty.

She thought of Linc—still. She'd thought of no one else in the four days since she'd seen him. She hadn't seen Jenny, either. No doubt Linc was keeping her away. Four long, lonely days. She wished Maud were here, but she was still at her sister's. What would Maud think? Evan tossed a stone into the incoming tide.

Cal
.

She'd scarcely seen Cal since he'd started his classes. When he was home, he spent most of his time at the main house with Linc and Jenny. Tonight he'd stayed at school. She tried to ignore the hurt, telling herself he would come around when they moved into their new place.

All in all it was the most miserable four days of her life. She wished she'd been able to work late, as she had every other night this week, but the office wasn't busy. It was odd to be home at six o'clock, tossing endless pebbles into an endless ocean.

She brushed the sand from her hands and started back to the house. She'd make something to eat, then read
. How terribly exciting, Evan. Perhaps someone should alert the press.

She was no sooner in the cabin door than the phone rang. It was Linc.

He was curt and to the point. "Is Cal there?"

Every organ in her body seemed to be ricocheting, but she managed to steady her voice. "No. He's at the university."

"Damn!"

She waited.

"Will he be back sometime soon?"

"I don't think so. He said he'd be late."

"Damn!" he said again, then let out a long, irritated breath. "Evan..." He stopped.

"Yes?" She was holding her breath but had no idea why.

There was a pause before he continued, each word hard edged and reluctant. "Look, I'd rather cut out my tongue than ask, but I don't have any choice. I even called Caressa, but she's out of town. I was hoping Cal would—" He broke off to swear again. "Would you look after Jenny for a couple of hours?" The question came out with the grace of a root-bound molar. "The owner of the hotel site is flying in unexpectedly. He's leaving first thing tomorrow, and I need to go over a design change. Believe me, if I had any alternative, I wouldn't ask. You must have a million things you'd rather do than look after my daughter."

Evan ignored the barb. She was listening too hard for the whisper of a song playing somewhere near her heart. "When do you want me?" she said.

There was another pause. "Twenty minutes?"

"I'll be there."

He hung up.

Evan replaced the receiver. She was going to see Linc. She was excited, scared, happy, and overwhelmingly sad. She told herself she was foolish, irrational, and a little bit crazy, but it didn't help. She wanted to see him, ached to see him, while at the same time dreading the sight of his cold, unfeeling eyes. Cursing her confusion, she headed for the bedroom to change.

He hates you, she reminded herself; nothing's changed in the last four days. Better for him and better for me, she thought stoically, but couldn't bring herself to believe it.

Chapter 12

Twenty minutes later, Evan stood in front of Linc's back door. She was nervous and ill at ease, much like a servant approaching the manor house for the first time. He responded to her first knock, and when he looked down at her, his face was a tight mask. Her lower lip trembled as she forced a smile to her tensed lips. He made no effort to return it, choosing instead to glance away.