Dreams Die First (15 page)

“Oh, God!” she screamed. “I’m beginning to come. I can’t stop it! I’m coming, I’m coming!” The wand was moving across her stomach now and she was thrusting her hips up at it as if it were a live force. “I can’t stop coming!” she cried. It was at her pubis now. “Stick it in me!” she yelled. “Fuck me with it! I want it to burn out my cunt!”

Brother Jonathan’s face was impassive as he held the wand over her pubis. She kept turning and thrusting and screaming.

“Oh, God, I can’t stop! I can’t stop!” Her face was contorted in agony as she threw her head from side to side. “I’m coming! Jesus! It’s too much! It’s too much!” Suddenly she arched herself spastically against the wand. “Oh, no! Everything inside me is exploding!” Her voice turned into a high-pitched scream; then suddenly she slumped back, her face pale, her eyes closed.

Silently Brother Jonathan moved the wand down her legs until he reached her feet. Then he touched the transformer. Slowly the light faded from the wand and he put it down. She lay quietly. The only sound in the room was that of our breathing.

Brother Jonathan looked at the two girls and they went back to their places in the circle.

Denise opened her eyes. “Is it over?”

He nodded. “Yes. Do you need help to your room?”

She sat up, reaching for her shirt. “I think I’m all right.” He held out a steadying hand as she put on her jeans. “Thank you, Brother Jonathan,” she said. “And thank you, Brothers and Sisters. I love you all.”

“We love you, Sister,” they chorused.

Brother Jonathan rose to his feet and placed his hands on her shoulders and kissed her mouth. “Remember, Sister, the body is nothing but flesh. It is the soul that gives it life and love that fuses the two.”

She nodded, then turned and, without looking at me, quietly let herself out of the room.

Brother Jonathan regarded me with sympathetic eyes. “Thank you, Brothers and Sisters. The meeting is ended. Peace and love.”

“Peace and love,” they answered and began to file out.

I rose to my feet and waited until the others had left. Brother Jonathan knelt beside the transformer and placed a cover over it. “Does that thing really work?”

“Moses spoke to God through a burning bush.”

“This isn’t the same thing.”

His voice was patient. “Anything that helps a man communicate with God works.”

“Thank you, Brother Jonathan.”

“Peace and love,” he said.

I glanced at my watch as I left. It was almost six o’clock. Right now it wasn’t as important to me to talk to God as it was to talk to Lonergan.

CHAPTER 21

Lonergan’s voice was a weary whisper in my ear. “Have you ever thought of living in Mexico?”

“Can’t drink the water. It gives me the trots.”

“You’re not making it easy for me. They don’t like having their boys messed with.”

“Then we’re even. I don’t like the idea of getting killed. Level with me, Uncle John. Can you get them off my back or can’t you?”

I heard his faint sigh and realized that he was no longer the Uncle John of my childhood. He was close to seventy and for him the clock ticked twenty-four hours a day. “I don’t know,” he answered. “Before it was just a contract; now it’s personal. One of those men will never walk again.”

“That’s real tough.”

“I need a handle. Something to trade off with them.” He chuckled dryly. “Besides you, that is.”

“Ronzi said they’d lay off if I took them in as partners.”

“That was last night, before they knew what happened in the parking lot. Ronzi called this morning to tell me to let you know that deal is off now.”

“I was supposed to call him tonight.”

“Don’t. He probably has an electronic bug on his line. They could be on your back before you got off the phone.”

“Then what do I do?”

“Nothing. Just keep out of sight. Maybe they’ll cool off in a week or two and I can get them to talk.”

“What about the paper? After this issue, it’s all going to fall apart.”

“So it falls apart. You can always ask them to wrap you in it before they bury you.”

I was silent.

“Gareth.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t do anything foolish. Just give me some time.”

“You’ve got all the time you want, Uncle John. I haven’t. If that paper doesn’t come out for two weeks, I’m back on the street again.”

“At least you’ll be alive. You’ll find other games to play.”

“Sure.” I hung up the phone and listened to the coins drop in the box. I turned to find Denise standing a few feet away.

“I came to take you to dinner.”

I nodded and fell into step beside her.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“What for?”

“I made it worse for you. I shouldn’t have told them where you were.”

“It’s not your fault.”

She put a hand on my arm and stopped me. “I’m really making a fool of myself, aren’t I?”

I looked at her without speaking.

“The kinetic conductor didn’t help this time. This was the first time it didn’t work for me. Brother Jonathan said I might need a few more sessions before I can be free of this sin.”

“Are you sure it’s a sin?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Doesn’t Reverend Sam teach that love is not a sin? That to love each other is good? Love can also be a very physical thing.”

“That’s what Brother Jonathan said. But I don’t know. I never felt like this before. I want you all the time. That’s all I can think about.” We stopped at the entrance to the dining room. “All this time I’ve been talking about how I felt. How do you feel about me?”

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“That’s not what I mean,” she said quickly. “What should I do about the way I feel?”

I smiled down at her. “Groove with it, baby. It only happens when you’re young. You’ll grow out of it soon enough.”

There was hurt in her voice. “Is that what you really think?”

I didn’t answer.

“I want you to tell me the truth,” she said insistently.

The truth was what she got. “I’ve got more things on my mind right now than I can handle. And fucking is the least of them.”

Abruptly she turned and ran off down the hall, leaving me standing in the doorway. I looked in the room and saw Brother Jonathan watching me. He gestured to an empty seat next to him.

There were six other young men at the table. They nodded but did not speak. They were too busy eating.

“We serve ourselves,” Brother Jonathan said, pointing to a large casserole in the middle of the table.

The beef stew, stretched out with carrots and potatoes, was plain but good. I dipped the bread in the gravy because there was no butter. I filled my glass from the pitcher of milk and found it cold and surprisingly refreshing. No one spoke until the meal was over. Then one by one they got up, said, “Peace and love,” and left the table.

I glanced around the room. There had been thirty-five or forty people there when I’d come in. Now there were only the few who were cleaning the tables.

“I have coffee in my office,” Brother Jonathan said. “Would you like some?”

“That would be fine.”

His office was a small room just off the entrance hallway. He closed the door behind us and in a few minutes placed a cup of instant in front of me.

“I also have some scotch,” he said.

“I thought it was against the rules.”

He smiled. “Strictly for medical purposes.”

I nodded. “I don’t feel too good.”

He poured two shot glasses. “Peace and love,” he said.

“Peace and love,” I answered.

He threw back the whiskey like a professional and refilled his glass when I was still only halfway through mine. He met my eyes. “You can’t stay here,” he said. “You know that.”

“Why? Because of Denise?”

“No, we can handle that. It’s you. You’ve got a price on your head. It will only be a few days before they come here looking for you.”

“Denise tell you that?”

“No.”

“Then how did you find out?”

“I told you I was an ex-cop. I still have contacts. The word is out that you ran off with Denise. It’s just a matter of time before they figure out where she might have gone.”

I was silent.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t take the chance. Too many people might be hurt.”

“But even if I’m not here, they’ll find Denise.”

“They won’t find her. I’m sending her away. By tomorrow night she’ll be a thousand miles from here.”

I finished the scotch. “When do you want me to leave?”

“Tonight when everyone’s asleep. I’ll come and get you. Use the small room that Denise took you to last night. Your own clothes are there already.”

I got to my feet. “Thank you, Brother Jonathan.”

“How are you fixed for cash?” he asked.

“I’m okay.”

“Peace and love.”

“Peace and love,” I said and left the office.

***

My clothes, neatly pressed, were on a hanger on the back of the door. I stripped quickly and went into the bathroom. The lights went out in the middle of my shower. I swore for a moment, then remembered that they were on an automatic switch. I wrapped a coarse towel around me and went in search of the candle. I didn’t know she was there until I lit it.

She was sitting, small and forlorn, on the edge of the narrow bed. Some of the makeup had come off her eye and it still looked dark and swollen. “You’re going away,” she said.

I rubbed the towel over my head without answering.

“I knew that when Brother Jonathan had your clothes returned.”

I finished drying myself and reached for my shirt.

“I want to go with you.”

“You can’t,” I said bluntly.

“Why?” she asked much like a child.

“Because you might get yourself killed, that’s why. Brother Jonathan doesn’t want that to happen to either of us.”

“I don’t care. I want to be with you.”

I pulled on my jeans and sat in a chair to put on my shoes and socks.

She came off the bed and knelt in front of me. “Please take me with you. I love you.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.”

She hid her face in her hands and began to cry. Her voice was a faint wail. “I never do anything right. I thought it would be good here. We would be safe.”

I touched her hair. She caught my hand and pressed it to her lips. “If I stay here, nobody would be safe. Not you, not Brother Jonathan, not any of the kids. And they had nothing to do with it.”

“I’m not asking for forever,” she whispered against my fingers. “I know I’m not enough for you. All I want is to be with you for a little bit. Then, when you want me to go, I will.”

I put my hand under her chin and turned her face up. “That’s not it, baby. Not it at all. Enough people have been hurt already. I don’t want to bring that shit up here.”

She was silent for a moment, staring into the palm of my hand. “Do you know you have two lifelines?” she asked.

My mind leaped to follow her chain of thought. “No.”

With her finger she traced a line from the heel of my palm to the bottom of my index finger. “Nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re going to live a long time.”

“That makes me feel better.”

“But right now your lifelines are running parallel to each other.” Her finger touched the center of my palm. “And the first one stops about here.”

“Is that good or bad?”

Her eyes were serious. “I don’t know. But it means that one of your lives is going to come to an end soon.”

“I hope it’s not the one that has to do with my breathing.”

“I’m not being funny,” she snapped.

I didn’t answer.

“I’m very into palm reading. I’m good at it.”

“I believe you.”

“No, you don’t,” she said petulantly.

I smiled down at her. “Will starting a quarrel make you feel better?”

Her lips trembled. “I don’t want to quarrel with you. Not on our last night together.”

“Then stay cool.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Brother Jonathan said he would come for me.”

“That would be around midnight, when he makes his final rounds. We have time for a farewell fuck.”

I laughed aloud. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Unh-unh.” She got to her feet and began to unbutton her shirt. “Just holding your hand made my cunt get soaking wet and I’ve got a cherry ass you promised to take.”

I put a hand over hers. “I’ll never make it, baby. With what I got going in my head there’s no way I can think of getting it up.”

“I can think of lots of ways.”

I was right and she was wrong. But it didn’t matter. She made it so many times grooving on the game that it didn’t matter who won or who lost. By the time Brother Jonathan knocked on the door we were both dressed again.

His eyes took in the scene, rumpled bed and all.

I turned to Denise. “It’s time.”

“I’ll walk out to the car with you,” she said.

Silently we went around back to the barn. Brother Jonathan swung open the doors. They creaked loudly in the night. We went inside and I got into the car. The old Valiant lived up to its name. The motor turned over without protest.

Brother Jonathan stuck his hand through the open window. “Good luck, Gareth. Peace and love.”

He turned and walked out of the barn, leaving Denise. She leaned into the window and kissed me. “Will you call me when you come back?”

“You know I will.”

“I’ll be waiting here for you.”

It wasn’t until then that I realized that she didn’t know Brother Jonathan was sending her away. I wasn’t going to be the one who told her, so I just nodded.

“I love you,” she said, kissing me again. She stepped back. “Peace and love.”

“Peace and love,” I said, putting the car into gear and backing out of the barn. As I started down the dirt driveway, I saw in the rearview mirror that Brother Jonathan had put his arm around her shoulder and was walking her back to the house. Then I turned a curve and there was nothing behind me but night.

CHAPTER 22

It wasn’t until I pulled into a gas station on the freeway to San Francisco that I noticed the brown manila envelope on the seat beside me. The attendant stuck his head in the window. “Fill it up,” I said.

He went behind the car and I opened the envelope. Inside was a thousand dollars in one-hundred-dollar bills and a folded note: “I dumped the gun for you. Go to Reverend Sam’s Peace and Love Mission in North Beach in SF and ask for Brother Harry. He will have a ticket for a flight to Honolulu tomorrow and information about your contact there. Peace and love.”