Drawn to a Cowboy (Brother Duet #1) (20 page)

“Hell, yes! Yes, I did and I got what I wanted, even if it was cruel.” She paused and looked around. “When I wound up pregnant, I wasn’t scared one bit. I wanted my baby… his baby… our baby. But I didn’t want his name or my parents’ splashed around the rags. Imagine the headline, teen lover of Carson Crosby, daughter of his longtime best friends… I couldn’t do it.” She was silent again with a big smile that caused her blue eyes to sparkle. “The minute I saw Jade and she looked up at me, it was like looking at Carson. His eyes, the exact color of jade, it was easy to name her. I loved her instantly and was content with the fact that if I never was with him again, I had part of him with me for life, forever!”

She was so right, I never saw it though. It is hard to focus on just her eyes when the total picture is stunning. Her crayon-red hair, first of all, is a big draw. It was what I saw from across the gas station lot. Up close her skin is flawless, her freckles only add to her complexion. Her teeth, perfectly straight and bright white, are framed with a set of beautiful lips when she smiles. The eyes, in question, are a pale green just like the gemstone jade, and her lashes are long. What else could I say, she is gorgeous.

“I see the same look in your eyes that I saw from Hank every summer when it came time to leave. You don’t have to keep your love for her a secret.” Staring at each other, I knew she was right, but I didn’t know if she would be willing to stay. I didn’t reply. “You don’t have to say anything, just think about it. I’m hoping to take her home or I should say she’ll be taking me home. She might not want to leave with me, but we need her to go to see Nick, Carson’s entertainment lawyer in LA, before heading back to the beach. The long drive will give us time to talk too.” Yes, I imagined they would have a lot of time to discuss the past driving over eight hundred miles to San Diego.

I wasn’t certain if we had ran out of words, or if it was just too painful to speak, but we finished dinner quietly until she excused herself with a kiss to my cheek.

After choking down the rest of my food along with probably one too many ales, I made my way back to my lonely cabin where Jade’s framed paintings sat waiting to be installed once guests vacated. I should’ve let her inside, not just her works of art. What was the difference? I felt her presence. I saw her in every corner of my home. What the hell was I afraid of? Exactly what was happening, her departure. Maybe if I had let her all the way in she wouldn’t be leaving. And yet, the coward in me wasn’t willing to take that chance. If I was a stronger man, I would’ve stormed out the door, across the ranch to the stable, broke down her door, thrown her over my shoulder and brought her back to where she belonged. Instead, ball-less, chicken shit me, opened a bottle of Stranahan whiskey, tossed back one too many fingers, and passed out on my couch fully clothed.

Up the next day with a throbbing head, too late for breakfast, I grabbed a cup a coffee and a dried out donut I found in the office area then went to saddle up my horse. Norma, Ginnylee and Jade were nowhere to be found. Just as well, I didn’t think my eyes could handle any more tears. Yes, waterworks had hit me too. Part emotion, part inebriation—I wasn’t a pretty drunk last night.

Thinking a ride down to the lake was safe, I angled Hank’s horse, Cactus Joe, toward the water. A pretty, warm day, lots of people were out on the lake in kayaks, and on paddle boards. I liked the sight of a few boats with colorful sails, but the next view that struck me was more beautiful than anything on God’s great earth—Jade painting. She hadn’t seen me, so I pulled back on the reins and halted my horse. Slipping off of him, I took a seat and let him nibble some tall grass that always seemed to be their snack of choice out and about on the ranch. I didn’t figure she wanted to be disturbed as she was in an area I had never seen her before.

I couldn’t see what she was painting, but I assumed it was something to do with the activities going on out on the lake. I could’ve cared less what was going on out there, watching her was like tuning into a marathon of your favorite show. I loved every minute until I saw her lean over and lose whatever she had consumed. I wanted to go to her, to help her, instead, I hung back and waited to see if she was in distress or just stressed. She seemed okay with it, simply wiping her mouth, taking a swig of water or something, as she went right back to painting. I hoped that I wasn’t causing her to be sick. I observed her for as long as I could without being noticed, unfortunately, I wasn’t paying attention to Cactus Joe until I saw him stroll into my picture of Jade. He blew my cover when he nudged her while she attempted to eat an apple he was keen to steal.

I walked up to get him, “Sorry, about that. He has apple radar.” She laughed as she fed him her snack.

“It’s okay. I know all about his thieving ways, don’t I, Joe.” He seemed to understand her words and was trying to lie, shaking his head. “Don’t you try to deny it or I won’t give you the other one in my bag.” Damn, I was jealous of him getting to nuzzle her. Reaching in her bag, sure enough, she presented him with another bright green apple. “That’s it, boy, no more.” He looked happy and thankful, and neighed at her.

“Let me grab him and we’ll let you get back to work.”

“I’m not really working, this is a gift for Clay from Norma. Their anniversary is coming up. She said he proposed by the water,” she smiled at me and turned back to her clipped paper.

“I didn’t know that. Thanks for giving me a heads up.”

Without looking at me, Jade spoke again, this time to me as her boss, and nothing more. “I have enough paintings for all of the cabins, tents and the lodge, and then some. The extra ones you can use for wherever you want. The ones that we already agreed upon, we’ll drop them off at the frame shop.”

“Don’t worry about doing that, I can take care of them.”

“Okay, well… I guess we can leave earlier…we’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

And there it was, my heart burst in my chest. It took every ounce of strength for me not to sink to the ground on my knees as it felt as if my whole world had collapsed, exploded, ceased to exist. Which was true, without her in my life, everything was meaningless, empty. “I wish…” I stopped, thinking of the right words to say.

She had her own all ready, and hit me with them, bravely looking at me, “Please don’t come to see me off. Let’s just say our goodbyes now. I really had a great time. This place is beautiful and don’t worry, it’s all yours. Carson… Hank knew how much you loved it, I see that love too. Once all of the results come in, if you need me to sign any paperwork, deeds, whatever—just send them my way. I will make sure that the twins never get their hands on the ranch.”

“Jade, this is your ranch. I know you need to leave now, but I’ll take good care of it, it’ll be here for you anytime you want to come back to me… to it.”

Shaking her head, tears slid down her beautiful face and I moved to take her in my arms. She moved her hands up in front of me, “Please don’t, as much as I would love to feel your arms around me, I just can’t let you do that.” Backing up, she added, “Take care of yourself,” then she turned back to her painting, shutting me out.

Those were her last words. Take care of myself… myself… by myself. I wanted to move up behind her, touch her, smell her, kiss her, never let her out of my arms, but I knew too much had happened in the last couple days. I had to let her go. Let her work through all of the new information that had been thrown at her. I grabbed the reins around Cactus Joe and led him away before mounting him and riding off, away from the woman I loved.

Staying away from her as she requested, I had food delivered and stayed in my cabin the rest of the day. I endured another night of shitty sleep, tossing and turning. It was over, I would never have her in my bed… my life again. And then the morning light came too soon and I watched as Jade and Ginnylee drove off in the distance and took my heart with them.
There goes my life
played out in my head.

Jade

O
ff we went down the dirt road to the big open highway. The Jinxie and Jade road trip was underway. I couldn’t help but wish that we had taken several more over the years. That she had taken me along. I hated that she had a secret life that I knew nothing about. For years, I thought she was off on safari, surfing up and down the coast.

I always thought my father was some surf dog or maybe even a punk rocker, that’s the music she seemed to gravitate to when I was a kid. Did she really like country western music, I wondered, and that wild stuff that she played too loud was a cover up? Did she really like Tex and Bonnie and Carson’s movies? I felt like I didn’t know her at all, I definitely didn’t know Hank’s Miss Ginnylee, or even Hank.

Carson was a real life cowpoke like in his films. The only true off-screen country boy of their actor group, or at least Hank was a real cowboy. Maybe some of the others lived alternative lifestyles too. I felt uncertain about everything in my life. The only thing I knew was that what I was learning was eye opening. What more would develop? Part of me was afraid of what was coming next, afraid to hear anything more.

“You’re awfully quiet. Letting that brain of yours work overtime?”

I told her that I was just thinking that I didn’t know her very well. She assured me that I did know her. She was the same person that she’d always been. She said that the ranch let her live out her fantasy, her dream love life, nothing else. “I wasn’t a strong person at home with grandpa and grandma. Maybe I should’ve left home. Maybe we should’ve lived on our own, away from my parents.”

I thought she was a brave person. She took off on road trips alone, after all. Or so I thought. She really only went from one secure home to another. No big adventures. “I’ve been a fraud, Jade, for years.”

“You never really hurt anyone. It couldn’t have been easy to be so young and raising a kid. You had Tex and Bonnie to help you. They always let you be the mom. It wasn’t like we lived in the same house, just on the same property. You worked and made money, that’s commendable. You were never a spoiled Hollywood brat.”

“I have to confess…”
Oh no. What now?
I stared at her as she drove, waiting, practically holding my breath. “Even though I told Carson that you weren’t his, he insisted on taking care of us. He told me if I didn’t let him have access to my bank account he would tell grandpa. I didn’t want to hurt their friendship, and I agreed to let him help us financially. He deposited monies up until he broke it off with me…” I felt terrible watching tears slide down her face. I knew she didn’t care about the money, I was sure that she would give anything to have him back. “I’m still so damn mad at him for pushing me away. I never got to say goodbye.”

“Sorry, he did that to you. I never knew why he stopped coming around until we found out that he had died. Now that I know, I’m sure that he broke your heart.”

My words opened up a whole can of worms that had Jinxie pulling over for me to take over driving for a while. Secured in the driver’s seat, I eased back on the road, and we were on our way again. Leaning back in the passenger seat with tissues in her hand, she told me a multitude of stories about her and Carson. And others about their double life as Ginnylee and Hank. Some of the stories included me. I hated hearing them and I loved hearing them all at once. We had done things over the years as a family without me even knowing that I had two caring parents at my side that both loved me.

Listening to their long and drawn out saga, I thought of my brief connection with Sage. I found myself telling Jinxie how we met in a gas station and I went off with him, trustingly. That had her tsking at me, “Didn’t I teach you to never talk to strangers?” I laughed and continued our story that had highs and lows, more than I wished to relive. But was that true? Would I go back and do it all again? Yes, yes I would, even knowing that it would leave me aching everywhere. I felt so heavy, like I had an additional amount of weight sitting right on my heart. I would never get over him, he was in my heart to stay whether I wanted him there or not.

“You can stay,” I heard her say as if my heart was singing out, crying out. “We can turn around, we’ve only been driving for a couple hours.”

I shook my head and bit my lip at first. I didn’t want to cry. I needed to be strong, I had things to take care of, the right things for everybody, especially Sage. “No, I need to help him. We’ll go to LA, I’ll do the blood test and DNA. I don’t want him to take any chances, to lose the ranch. I want him to know that it’s his and that I would never take it from him, or try to change his home. Once we settle the uncertainty, we’ll go home…”
Home
. I felt at home at the ranch, but it wasn’t mine to claim, it was Sage’s. I never wanted him to feel like it wasn’t his by me being there. “We’ll go to the beach.” I didn’t feel like I could call that home either, I felt more lost than ever.

“I was temporary to him,” I said under my breath as I bit the inside of my cheek.

“He loves you. He told me that he would take care of the ranch for you until you were ready to return. I know he meant every word, he loves you and you love him.” I did, I couldn’t deny that and he had told me the same words about the ranch, but I couldn’t imagine going back, not yet—maybe never. Things had changed, I was a clause that could alter his feelings.