Draw Me Close (10 page)

“I'm making this difficult?” she hissed. “I've done everything I can to stay out of your way. I don't come to the house when you're around, I don't call you when something comes up, and I don't go to Anne's when I think you might be there. You're the one who keeps forcing yourself on me and I'm tired of it.”

“What if I
want
you to come to the house when I'm there? Do you think a contractor usually spends so much time on a job, especially if he has other properties being built in the city? What if I want you to call me when things come up? Have you thought about that?”

“Have you thought about me? For once, can things be about me and not you? What I want and what I need? I just met your eight-year-old son and you want me to throw
you
a fucking bone?”

Derek was silent for a moment, his jaw tightening. They stared at each other, he still hovering over her as she reclined on the hospital bed. All he'd done was think about her and her needs, but he knew that's not what she meant. And she was right. He'd been selfish. Now
and
then. But he couldn't help wanting a glimpse of the old Lindsey. The one that smiled at him, laughed at his jokes, and whimpered when he kissed her. He wanted it bad, even that last part, he suddenly realized, and that was a shame. It was a bad idea on so many levels.

After a moment he sighed deeply and let his head fall forward. This close he could smell the scent of her skin, her hair, and see her chest rising with each breath. God, how he just wanted to touch her right then. Have the
right
to. But he didn't have that right and probably never would if she had her way.

He lifted his head once again. “I'm sorry. God, I keep saying it. And you're right. I keep pushing you and it's not fair. But please believe me when I say … I just wanna talk. I messed a lot of things up between us and I just want us to get to a place where we can … smile at each other. I miss your smile. So damn much. I dream about it. See it when I close my eyes.”

For one moment he was sure he saw something in her eyes. Something that wasn't anger or hatred. Something that he remembered from another time … when he was almost certain she'd been deeply in love with him.

Derek watched her throat work as she swallowed. He leaned forward once more and let his lips rest on her forehead. He inhaled deeply, his eyes sliding closed as he soaked all of her in. This woman had tied him in knots since the moment he'd met her.

She didn't move for a long moment. He lifted his mouth just enough to press his lips lightly against her skin once more in the barest hint of a kiss. When he felt her right hand latch onto his wrist he waited for her to push him off.

She didn't. It must be the pain or the shock of her injury. Surely she wasn't holding him against her, as much as he wished that to be true. Either way, he took it, and turning his head to the side he nuzzled her temple.

“Lindsey … please,” he whispered. “Stop pushing me away.”

The curtain rings shook behind him as they were pulled aside. Her body gave a small jerk beneath him and he stood upright as the doctor walked in. Touching her that way—having his lips on her soft skin—had only made things a million times worse. He wanted more.

 

Six

Nearly three hours later Lindsey walked out of the emergency room doors sporting an arm splint due to a grade 2 wrist sprain. Thank goodness it wasn't broken or required much more than that or she'd have been in real trouble. Already she was stressing the hospital bill, wondering how long it would take for them to process everything and send it to her house. How long she might be able to put it off before they turned it over to collections. God, she wanted to lie down and cry.

Lindsey glanced around the circle drive. Derek had run out ahead of her and pulled his truck up to the curb to wait. As soon as he saw her he got out and came around to open her door.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. A gentle hand touched her hip as she stepped onto the running board and hoisted herself in with her good hand. She was already feeling the need for more pain pills and she was exhausted.

Before she could reach for her seat belt Derek was leaning over her and latching it. Lindsey let her head fall back so as not to have her face smashed into his chest. She'd just about had enough of being close to this man. She didn't like that he was starting to feel familiar. His scent, his voice. His presence. This was exactly what she'd been trying to avoid and here he'd gone and gotten her acclimated to him. Damn the man.

Shutting her door, he headed around the front end of the truck and got into the driver's seat. If she didn't count the few moments he'd thankfully stepped into the hallway, he hadn't left her side in the hospital. He'd walked beside her hospital bed into radiology. Stood behind the glass, arms folded against his chest, as they'd taken X-rays. She'd protested every move he made at first, but finally she'd given up arguing with him.

He'd even spoken to the doctor and the nurse, inquired about things she hadn't thought to ask. It was irritating how caring he was being. He was feeling guilty. That had to be it. But it was also working because she was finding that she lacked the energy to stay mad at him. Surely it was just the events of the day. Tomorrow, after this mess was behind her and he was back doing his own thing, she'd be able to refocus on all the ways he was a selfish ass. How he'd lied to her. Cheated on her. And with that sobering thought her anger came rushing back.

“You hungry?” Derek asked.

She hadn't realized how quiet it was until he'd spoken. Lindsey shrugged. “Not really.”

“You'll feel better if you eat. It's dinnertime.”

She didn't respond, only looked out her window at the Kansas City skyline as they crossed over the Missouri River. He'd insisted on taking her home. Also insisted on letting him deal with her car, which was still at Anne's. Absolutely maddening.

After a while she realized he was pulling into a shopping center parking lot. “What are we doing?”

He pulled into a spot and put the truck in park. “I'll be back,” he said.

Lindsey sighed when he got out, happy to finally have a few minutes alone. Her head had begun to pound along with her wrist. The sound of the heater blowing lulled her into a drowsy trance and she let her eyes close once more.

The sound of the driver's door opening startled Lindsey awake and she turned to see Derek getting back into his seat with two bags. The scent of greasy food entered with him and suddenly her mouth watered.

“Sit up,” he commanded. She did, wiping at her eyes. The sun was already setting, making it feel a lot later then it really was. He messed with some things in his seat and then faced her.

“First this.” Derek passed her a pill. She took it and then he held out a bottle of water. “Now this. Eat.”

He held out a paper wrapper opened up to reveal a cheeseburger and French fries. Lindsey took it, laid it in her lap, and automatically lifted the top of the bun. Cheese and pickles. Nothing else. The exact way she'd eaten cheeseburgers her entire life. The way she'd ordered them at the Grill counter at the campus food court. They'd eaten there so many times together.

“Everything okay?” Derek asked. He'd already taken a bite of his own burger.

“Yeah. Thank you.” Lindsey's stomach growled then. “Guess I was hungrier than I thought.”

“Figured. I knew I was hungry as hell after sitting in that hospital all afternoon.”

“You didn't have to do it,” she snapped.

Derek let out a sigh. “Well, I wanted to, Lindsey. Got it? There was nowhere else I wanted to be.”

Lindsey looked down on the center console at the second bag between them. He'd taken her prescription in and gotten it filled. Why was he being this guy? The one that did all the right things? It was overwhelming, and this show of chivalry was starting to make her feel like a complete bitch. Which wasn't at all fair. He was the one in the wrong and today's developments made that even more apparent.

Suddenly the reality of his son was too much for Lindsey to bear. She was strong, damn it, and she could handle knowing everything. Needed to know everything. He owed her that.

“You knew that day. Didn't you?” she asked. For a long moment the only sound was the city noises from outside the truck and the warm air blowing on her legs. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Finally Derek took a deep breath and let it out through his nose.

“I don't know, Lindsey. At that time … I was ashamed.”

“Ashamed?”

Lindsey turned to look at him. He stared out the windshield, the lights of the store beyond highlighting his chiseled face. His lips worked back and forth.

“I didn't want you to know the truth. It was easier if I just ended things between us. Lisa was pregnant—which shocked the hell out of me. And my father…”

She'd never really known much about his family. The truth was, their relationship had been all surface. All emotions, passion, and excitement. They'd never even said the word “love”—although she'd felt it and assumed it would come in due time. It had never reached that stage where you show each other your vulnerabilities, and she suddenly wondered if there was more Derek had kept from her. Not because they'd not got around to it, but on purpose.

“What about your father?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. I had to do what I did, Lindsey. Were there other options? Yeah, of course. But at that time, I had to be with Lisa. I had to be my son's father.” Finally he turned to look at her. “But what I want you to know is that I was in fucking hell losing you.”

Lindsey swallowed hard. She bit down on her bottom lip to keep any unwanted emotion from slipping past. She breathed deeply once. Twice. There were so many questions floating through her mind, but she couldn't speak. And she wasn't sure if she wanted the answers.

“I didn't cheat on you, Linds,” he said. Why did he always seem to know what she was thinking? “Lisa and I had split as soon as I knew that I was attracted to you. Her pregnancy was completely unexpected.”

“I don't understand.”

“She was my girlfriend through high school. Then college. We'd started to grow apart and I knew we'd break up, we didn't go through with it. We both just kept … God. We continued to have sex. We shouldn't have, but we did. During that time I first saw you … and God, I was so attracted to you.”

Lindsey looked away, unable to focus on the intensity of his eyes.

“I broke up with her the day before I left you that first note. We didn't know then that she was pregnant. But she was.”

Things became a little clearer now. The way their breakup had come out of nowhere. How he'd closed his feelings off from her so suddenly her head had spun. It had all been so confusing and painful. But none of what he was saying changed the past. He'd made his choice. There really wasn't much more to say.

“You told me you loved someone else,” she said quietly.

“I lied, Linds. I was stupid as hell. I thought … I don't know what I thought. That it was what I should be thinking. If I was going to stay with Lisa, surely I should have loved her. But I didn't. I didn't want you to love me back because then I'd want to stay with you. Maybe I wanted the whole world to be as miserable as I was. But I had to let you know it was over.”

Lindsey let out a bitter laugh. “I knew it all right.” Suddenly the truck felt like it was closing in on her. “Can you please take me home now?” she said quietly.

Derek stared at her for a long moment but she couldn't look him in the eye any longer. Finally he shifted in his seat, put the truck in drive, and pulled out of the parking lot with one hand on the wheel and one on his dinner.

It was possible she might get to a place where she could accept what had happened. Maybe she could even try and understand. Even forgive. But she would never forget, which meant there was no way they could ever be romantically involved again. Friends?

Maybe.

*   *   *

Derek headed down the road chewing on the last bite of his burger. He wasn't even tasting it any longer because he was just sick over every single thing that had happened today.

Sitting in a parking lot with a wounded Lindsey was not the way he'd always imagined having that conversation. She'd listened. And hadn't yelled or cried. But she also hadn't said much in response. There had been no resolution and he didn't feel any better than before. The stupid thing was, he wasn't really sure what he'd wanted.

Her understanding? Definitely. Hopefully her forgiveness. But damn it, he realized that even against his better judgment, he also wanted her. Yeah, he knew they would never return to what they'd had eight years ago, but he saw this as a second chance.

Sure, they could be just friends. But there were moments when looking at her was so close to torture he questioned why he kept putting himself through it. He realized with clarity that all of his adult life he'd been waiting for something equal to what they'd had to come along. It never would, because there was only one Lindsey. Only one woman that could make him feel whole. Like he was good enough just as he was.

Obviously she wasn't throwing out those vibes these days, but he knew that she was still the same loving, compassionate, gentle girl that he'd fallen for eight years ago.

Trying to focus on where he was going, he began reading street signs.

“Tell me again which street your sister lives on,” he said. He listened as she explained to him how to get to the building and they continued on in silence.

Gripping the wheel, he forced himself not to demand a response from her. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking and it was by iron will that he didn't continually turn to glance at her so he could try and figure it out on his own. She'd always been easy to read, worn her heart on her sleeve. No more.