Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! (3 page)

But maybe she was telling the truth, because old people don't usually make jokes. That's the first rule of being old.

Ryan stood up to ask a question.

“My dad told me that when he was a kid, they didn't have video games or microwave ovens or Fruit Roll-Ups,” Ryan said. “What was it like when
you
were a kid?”

“Ah, the good old days,” said Dr. Nicholas. “When I was your age, we didn't even have
TV
.”

WHAT?! Everybody gasped.

No TV? I would
die
without TV. The only good thing about having no TV is that they couldn't have TV Turnoff Week.

The good old days sounded like the
bad
old days to me. If I lived back then, I would have sat around all day saying, “I wish somebody would hurry up and invent TV already, because I'm bored.”

“What did you stare at all day?” asked Neil the nude kid. “What did you do for fun?”

“We went out to play,” replied Dr. Nicholas.

WHAT?! There was a buzz in the all-purpose room. Everybody was talking to each other.

“You mean, in the out
doors
?” asked Andrea.

“Yes!”

Everybody gasped again.

“Didn't you get sunburned?” asked Andrea.

“Didn't your clothes get dirty?” asked Emily.

“What about the bugs?” asked Michael.

“Wasn't it dangerous?” asked Alexia.

“Weren't you afraid of getting hit by a car?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“No, she was afraid of getting hit by a
dinosaur
,” I told Neil.

“Oh, it was a
wonderful
time,” said Dr. Nicholas. “My friends and I used to play hopscotch, marbles, or hide-and-go-seek. My favorite thing to do was jump rope. Did you ever jump rope?”

“Oh yeah,” said Ryan. “My sister has an app called Jump Rope Simulator on her iPad. It's awesome.”

“Dr. Nicholas, were you on your school jump rope team?” asked Andrea.

“Oh, we didn't have a team,” said Dr. Nicholas. “We just jumped rope for the fun of it, out in the street.”

“You played
in the street
?!” we all shouted.

Now I
knew
she was yanking our chain. You would have to be
crazy
to play in the street! I bet she made up all that stuff about riding dinosaurs and Abraham Lincoln's convertible.

“My friends and I would jump rope
anywhere
,” Dr. Nicholas told us. “In fact, I feel like jumping rope right
now
.”

That's when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Dr. Nicholas pulled a rope out of her pocket. Then she swung it over her head and started jumping over it.

Dr. Nicholas is ridiculous!

After lunch Dr. Nicholas came into our classroom.

“Clear off your desks,” said Mr. Granite. “It's time for our first history lesson with Dr. Nicholas.”

“Yay!” shouted all the girls.

“Boo!” shouted all the boys.

Ugh, I hate history. History is dumb. Why do we have to learn about stuff that already happened? Who cares about a bunch of dead dudes who died a million hundred years ago?

Mr. Granite said he would be back in a half an hour. He went to the teachers' lounge, which is a secret room near the front office where no kids are allowed. My friend Billy, who lives around the corner, told me the teachers go to the teachers' lounge to relax in a big hot tub while servants in bathing suits feed them grapes.

Dr. Nicholas picked up a marker and wrote HISTORY IS FUN! on the whiteboard.

“Today,” she said, “we're going to learn about the history of the toilet bowl.”

WHAT?!

“Toilet bowls have a history?” asked Ryan.

“Of course!” said Dr. Nicholas. “
Everything
has a history.”

“Toilet bowls are disgusting,” said Emily, wrinkling up her nose.

“I thought history was all about wars,” said Andrea, “and the great men and women who changed the world.”

“History is about
everything
that came before us and made the world what it is today,” said Dr. Nicholas. “And that includes toilet bowls. Did you ever hear the story of Tom Crapper?”

Everybody laughed because Dr. Nicholas said the word “crapper.” My mom told me that's a bad word that I should never say to anybody.

“Wait a minute!” Neil said, jumping out of his seat. “Are you going to tell us that the guy who invented the toilet bowl was named Crapper?”

“No,” said Dr. Nicholas. “Simple toilet bowls have been around for many centuries. The first toilet you could
flush
was invented back in 1596 by a man named John Harrington.”

So the toilet bowl was invented by a guy named John. That made sense.

“What did Tom Crapper do then?” asked Michael.

Everybody laughed because Michael said the word “crapper” again. It's impossible to say the word “crapper” without laughing. That's the first rule of being a kid.

“Tom Crapper was born in 1836, in England,” Dr. Nicholas told us. “His father was a steamboat captain. When Tom was fourteen, he went to work for a plumber in London. By the time he was twenty-five, he owned his own plumbing shop. Back in those days, people didn't even
talk
about toilets, and only very rich people owned one.”

“What did everybody else use?” asked Ryan.

“Often they used a hole in the ground,” said Dr. Nicholas.

“Gross!” everybody shouted.

“During the 1880s, Tom Crapper improved on the flushing toilet bowl,” said Dr. Nicholas. “He also opened up a shop and sold toilet bowls to the public. For the first time, regular people could go to the store and buy a toilet bowl. And the rest is indoor plumbing history.”
*

“WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

“Today, of course, we all have toilet bowls in our own homes,” said Dr. Nicholas, “and we owe it all to Tom Crapper.”

I jumped up from my seat.

“Hooray for Tom Crapper!” I shouted. “Crapper! Crapper! Crapper!”

I figured
everybody
was going to jump up from their seats and start chanting “Crapper!” with me.

I looked around. Nobody else was standing. Nobody else was chanting. Everybody was looking at me.

I hate when that happens. I sat back down in my seat.

“I still say toilet bowls are disgusting,” said Emily.

“You know what's even
more
disgusting than toilet bowls?” asked Dr. Nicholas.

“What?” we all asked.

“
No
toilet bowls!” she said. “Imagine how the world would be different if we didn't have toilet bowls.”

“We would probably still be using a hole in the ground,” said Neil the nude kid.

Dr. Nicholas told us lots more cool stuff about the history of toilet bowls. The girls were grossed out, but the boys all thought it was hilarious. Just about anything to do with toilet bowls is hilarious.

That's when the door opened. Mr. Granite came back in. I couldn't believe a half hour had gone by so fast.

“I guess our history lesson is over,” said Dr. Nicholas.

“Yay!” shouted all the girls.

“Boo!” shouted all the boys.

“We want to learn more about the history of toilet bowls!” said Ryan.

“Yeah, toilet bowls are
cool
,” said Michael.

“Who invented toilet paper, Dr. Nicholas?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“We can discuss that another time,” she said as she left the room.

Mr. Granite told us to open our math books, but I couldn't stop thinking about Tom Crapper and his toilet bowl. That's when I came up with the funniest joke in the history of the world.

Do you know what Tom Crapper used to draw his first toilet bowl?

A number two pencil!

Get it?

No wonder I'm in the gifted and talented program. I should get the No Bell Prize for that one.
*

My name is A.J. and I
love
history.

History is
cool
. I had no idea that you could learn about the history of the toilet bowl and stuff.

The next day, right after we finished pledging the allegiance, Dr. Nicholas came into our classroom again.

“It's time for another history lesson,” said Mr. Granite.

“Yay!” shouted all the boys.

“Boo!” shouted all the girls.

Mr. Granite went to the teachers' lounge and said he'd be back in a half an hour.

“What are we going to learn about today?” I asked Dr. Nicholas. “The history of the urinal?”

“Can we learn about the history of snot?” asked Michael. “I've always wondered where it came from.”

“It comes from your nose, dumbhead,” said Neil the nude kid.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“Will you teach us about the history of farting?” I asked. “I bet that's really interesting.”

We also suggested that Dr. Nicholas teach us about the history of burping, maggots, snakes, and barf.

“You boys are gross!” said Andrea. “I don't think I like history anymore.”

“Me neither,” said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says.

“That's too bad,” said Dr. Nicholas, “because today we're going to learn about the history of . . . Barbie!”

WHAT?!

Barbie?! I didn't want to learn about the history of Barbie. Barbie is for girls.

“I love Barbie!” Andrea shouted, all excited.

“Me too!” said Emily. “Barbie has a history?”

“Oh yes!” said Dr. Nicholas. “
Everything
has a history. It all started in a California garage back in the 1940s. . . .” Me and the guys covered our ears and made humming noises so we wouldn't have to hear about the history of Barbie. But it didn't work. I still heard every word.

“. . . Back in those days, Ruth and Elliot Handler owned a company called Mattel that made picture frames,” said Dr. Nicholas.