Dr. Neruda's Cure for Evil (20 page)

I found
Hamlet
in one of the red leather-bound volumes in Uncle Bernie’s study. I had permission to take any of those books. I was a precocious reader and I enjoyed being one. My father encouraged and praised such behavior and Uncle Bernie was in awe of it. The desire to please my absent father and to dazzle my prideful uncle got me to open the classics, but the power of their narratives kept me going. (With apologies to Alice Miller, I’m not sure anyone would develop a taste for culture without what she characterizes as abusive parental behavior, namely the narcissistic parent who demands precocity as a precondition for love. She’s right, it isn’t a recipe for happiness; but without it, Mozart wouldn’t have existed.) I had already read
Plutarch’s Lives
and a volume of
The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
out of Uncle’s library. I had avoided Shakespeare because verse, much less verse in the form of dialogue, was discouraging. That same afternoon, after my tennis lesson, dressed in sweaty shorts, I pulled the second of the two-volume set of Shakespeare down from its high shelf and propped the book on my naked thighs. I remember the leather sticking to my skin. It took a while but I found the speech Ruth had quoted. Along the way there were other lines that lured me into reading scenes out of order. (To this day I have never read a Shakespeare play from beginning to end, but always out of sequence, as if I were assembling a jigsaw puzzle.) I was struck by lines that still resonate with meaning for me. “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” might well be on every psychiatrist’s wall, for whether it is good philosophy or no, it is a necessary premise of the therapeutic process.

I loved the play. How could I not? Indeed, it is an indication of my mother’s intelligence that she knew provoking me to read it would continue and extend her influence despite being held prisoner in the sanitarium. Think of it from her paranoid point of view: Hamlet has been separated from his noble father—a warrior king—by an evil and powerful uncle who has robbed Hamlet of his mother’s love, his father’s life, and his own claim to the throne of Denmark. There is, additionally, especially when read during the Freudian literary atmosphere of the early sixties, the incestuousness of Hamlet’s relationship to his mother combined with a political rebel’s philosophy, born of alienation. Hamlet is keenly aware of the world’s hypocrisies and corruption: he is the disenfranchised child of a social system in the hands of the cowardly and murderous uncle. And this analogous predicament is delivered with poetic genius, its despair and rage sung so beautifully that the most painful moments also inspire delight in the sheer elegance of Hamlet’s mind. Indeed, I found the Prince’s situation—including his death—enviable. What to the normal adult mind is a tragedy seemed almost a triumph to nine-year-old Rafe.

My love affair with
Hamlet
caused trouble for me with Uncle Bernie’s son, Aaron. It happened during a family brunch held shortly after his graduation from college, about a month after my visit to the sanitarium. Sadie’s and Harry’s clans were all there. It was a bon voyage meal: Aaron would be living on a kibbutz for the summer. After he returned, it would be decided whether he would go for his MBA, as his father wished, or try his hand as a painter, as he wanted. (I doubt my uncle believed there was anything to settle. But Aunt Charlotte, who was on the board of two museums, who frequented art galleries and bought Impressionist paintings, was a wavering ally for her son’s artistic ambition.) His sister, Helen, was upstairs, supposedly suffering from a stomach virus, one of the convenient illnesses she contracted to avoid family occasions. My near calamity developed when Uncle bragged one time too many about me, in particular when he bragged about my reading
Hamlet.
He knew I had because the same day I visited my mother at Hillside, I asked permission to take the two-volume Shakespeare set into my room. I made the request both to read
Hamlet
and to make the point that I was doing so. (My pleasure in the play was real; so was my vanity.) So far, Aaron had suffered silently through itemizations of my brilliance on his visits home. He had already been tortured last night with my various school accomplishments. When Uncle remarked over brunch that I knew
Hamlet
so well I could quote long passages from memory, Aaron gave up his stoicism.

“So what?” Aaron snorted. “He’s nine.”

“That’s what makes it remarkable!” Uncle dropped his forkful of Nova, en route to a bagel. The heavy silver tines struck the equally heavy silver serving dish and resulted in a vibrating chord that harmonized with his remark.

“Enough!” Aunt Charlotte shouted. “We all admire Rafael, but enough is enough!” She pushed a stiff hair-sprayed lock off her brow. Its unloosed presence on her forehead was a novelty, caused by her exceptionally vehement movement. She managed her emotions carefully: that outburst was unmanaged and unique.

Bernie ignored her, nevertheless. He pressed Aaron. “How can you say he’s nine as though that makes it nothing?”

“I mean …” Aaron was understandably aggrieved. His eyes stayed down, staring at the linen and his Limoges plate. His tone, although whiny, was not loud. “All I mean is—what difference does it make if he memorizes it? He can’t understand it. He’s memorizing the way a monkey memorizes.”

This time Julie, my old defender, didn’t speak up. She sighed loudly, a habit she has to this day when confronted with a situation that she wishes were different but that she has given up trying to change. At the time I gave her no credit; I concluded she was reacting with a girl’s cowardice and hypocrisy. (My new understanding of male-female relations came from Hamlet’s scenes with Ophelia. I had gloomily ignored Julie during brunch, ready to send her packing to a nunnery—that seemed an especially harsh punishment for a Jewish girl—if she dared to bring up the subject of my earlier rash declaration of love.) Despite my newfound contempt for the ways of women (“You jig, you amble and you lisp. You nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance.”), I spoke up for myself mostly to impress Julie. “I know what it means!” I shrieked in outrage.

“Oh yeah, right,” Aaron said.

“Ask me any line in the play!”

“All right, all right,” Uncle said. Other adults were groaning or mumbling to Aaron or to each other. They were sick and tired of this punishing dance Bernie made me and his children perform. I thought their disgust and unhappiness was directed solely at me. I believed they envied me. I didn’t understand that besides Aaron, whose envy was merely a reflex triggered by his father, the others mostly felt pity for me—I was a sad little boy whose mother was crazy and whose father was worse, a Communist.

But I thought I was the noble Dane. I got to my feet, towering over the table at my height of four feet eleven inches, and brandished an elaborate silver spoon. “Go ahead. Ask me. What do you want to know? You want to know what quietus means? You want to know what bodkin means? Or fardels? Do you know what it means when Hamlet says to Horatio, ‘If he but blanch, I’ll tent him to the quick?’”

Someone, I think it was Uncle Harry, laughed. I must have made quite a sight. Some of my relatives were staring at me, open-mouthed. I didn’t look at Julie, the real object of the performance, but I was sure she must be impressed. I stayed on Aaron, who was not shocked or amused. He was humiliated. His cheeks were red and his eyes were downcast.

“Well, wiseguy,” Uncle Bernie asked him. “You started it. Do you know what it means?”

I was huffing from the exertion of my outrage, but I maintained my pose of challenge and contempt.

Aaron raised his eyes to me. There was hate in his look; the cornered kind, the hatred of a wounded animal for its tormentor. “No. But I know what ‘the incestuous pleasure of his bed’ means. Do you?”

It was an accident, of course. Aaron was attacking my presumed ignorance of sex. However, I had looked up incest in the dictionary, along with all those other words, and I understood very well what it meant. Indeed, I didn’t have knowledge; I had experience without knowledge. For a ghastly moment I thought Aaron wasn’t merely challenging my vocabulary, I thought he was exposing my secret. It took no more than a second for me to realize he couldn’t be. Then my vanity was tormented. It longed for me to shout out that I not only knew what was meant by “the incestuous pleasure of his bed,” I had lived it—though not as a pleasure. I was a merciless competitor in those days. I didn’t shy from delivering the final killing stroke and that certainly would have been a coup de grace. Don’t misunderstand. I didn’t come close to a confession about the incest. But I was transfixed by the prospect, at how it would be a perfect victory. I suppose I could have said I knew what incest meant; that wouldn’t have been considered suspicious. And yet I felt merely saying the word was an admission I understood its meaning in an immoral way.

I didn’t have to solve my dilemma. No one gave me a chance to answer. Aaron’s vocabulary comprehension challenge was considered inappropriate by the adults. While I stared at him, stuck with my wheels spinning, he was rebuked. He lost even his mother’s support; she was particularly outraged and ordered him out of the room. Aaron stormed off and I was brought a hot chocolate as either a compensation or a sedative. I drank this in silence, temporarily afraid of cultural arguments. They were more dangerous than their surface made them seem. I peeked out at Julie from time to time. She looked unhappy, but beautiful. Her long hair, black, shiny and very straight, trailed down the shape her new breasts made against her white angora sweater. I told myself she was sad because she had lost my love, in the same way that I thought Ophelia was tormented by Hamlet’s abrupt coldness.

“My lord, I have remembrances of yours that I have longed long to re-deliver.”

“No, not I. I never gave you aught.”

“My honored lord, you know right well you did; / And, with them, words of so sweet breath composed / As made the things more rich: their perfume lost, / Take these again; for to the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.”

I thought our situations weren’t so different than the noble Dane and the fair Ophelia. Her father was a Polonius to Bernie’s Claudius. I was in a fight to the death with the usurpers and couldn’t risk exposing my cause to her for fear she would betray me. I had to pretend hostility and, like the Prince, I felt a generic disappointment in her sex. She was weak, after all. “Frailty, thy name is woman.” And my brave mother was weak. Her weakness was manifested differently than that of Hamlet’s mother, but at the source, Ruth was just as weak and just as useless.

When the brunch ended, Julie got up and moved behind my chair. I ignored her. She tapped my shoulder. “You said you were going to teach me chess.” She spoke softly.

“Aren’t you going home?” I said in my new guise as the ungracious Hamlet.

“No, Dad and Bernie have work to do. You’re stuck with us all afternoon. Come on, teach me how to play.” She took my hand and urged me out of the chair. We went to my wing of the mansion the quick way, through the kitchen and the maid’s quarters.

Entering my room, Julie halted, put her hands on her hips, and swiveled her torso to survey it. There was a maternal attitude in this pose. I had a flash of insight: she was being my big sister, a sort of halfway mother. She didn’t love me the way my grandiose imagination wished. I hadn’t discouraged her with my new gruff tone. There was no romantic interest to discourage because she saw me as a little boy, not a tragic prince.

“This is very cute,” she said, moving toward my desk and inspecting the books and papers on it. She lifted a story I had written for English class. “You did this? It’s so long.” She flipped the pages and came to the illustration at the back. I had scrawled line sketches of my characters in black; the only other color, a trail of blood leading to the scene of a killing, was crimson.

“Oh,” Julie commented in dismay about my gruesome drawing. The corpse was female and the flow of blood trailed more from her groin than her heart, although in my story she had been accidentally stabbed through the bosom because she intervened between two men dueling over her. The assignment was to tell a story that would illustrate the theme of medieval chivalry. I had gotten an A minus, with a long comment that although my story was well-written and had something to do with chivalry, it wasn’t really to the point. And the drawing was scary rather than ennobling, my teacher had complained.

“Read it,” I said in a gloomy voice. Perhaps its violence would teach her not to play at being my mother.

“Okay,” she said and sat at the desk.

She was very beautiful. Her skin was brilliantly white and her cheeks were red with good health. She was on the swimming team at her school; the daily workouts lent her an energetic and luminous appearance. Her neck was a column framed by long black hair that was also luminous. She glowed from her new maturity, her nascent womanhood. Looking at her, entranced by her reposed and yet robust beauty, feeling that she didn’t see me as a lover—as a man who would satisfy her—but merely as a boy whom she ought to soothe and encourage, I got my first truly spontaneous erection. It is difficult for me to know, despite years of analysis, whether my feelings for Julie would have occurred anyway without my premature sexualization and my abandonment by Ruth and Francisco. But what is the point of such speculation? Those events
are
me, as much a part of me as my face, as much of a mask or an honest countenance as I make of them.

“It’s very sad,” Julie said, lowering the pages of my story. She frowned and her tone was stern. She appeared not moved, but disapproving.

“It’s supposed to be sad,” I said petulantly.

She softened. “You have a great imagination.” She put the story back on the desk and turned to me purposefully. “Are you happy living here?”

Was Polonius behind the arras eavesdropping? I wondered. “Oh yeah! It’s great here. Uncle Bernie’s great to me. He gives me everything I want.”

“He’s very generous. But there are no kids living here. Aaron and Helen are all grown up. I heard you didn’t want to live with Aunt Sadie, but maybe you want to live with us. We’re only fifteen minutes away. You could still see Uncle Bernie. We come here practically every other weekend. And you would be close to your Mom.”