Down the Rabbit Hole (47 page)

Being surrounded by the crew, even in the delivery room, made me feel extra safe and supported during this new experience. They made me feel like they had my back and were the perfect complement to the love my family and friends were surrounding me with during that exciting time.

Little Rainbow Aurora was born on March 5, 2013. Anyone who's pushed out a baby will hate me for saying this, but I actually enjoyed giving birth. I chose to have an epidural and the entire delivery took only two hours. Rainbow is truly a blessing and without a doubt my greatest achievement to date.

The year 2013 turned into a time of rapidly checked-off milestones for me. Just three months after giving birth to Rainbow, I was officially an engaged woman. Most little girls fantasize about the day the man she loves asks to spend the rest of his life with her—and my special day was nothing short of magical. Pasquale proposed with a cushion-cut 40-carat yellow diamond ring surrounded by pink and yellow diamond flowers, which was amazing, but the best part of the ring was that he designed it himself with me in mind. He popped the question at the very top of a Ferris wheel at his Electric Daisy Carnival.

Despite the magical, colorful sea of craziness below and the elaborate fireworks spectacle above, it was strangely calm and quiet in our little booth atop the giant wheel. When Pasquale pulled out the ring box and asked me to marry him, I exclaimed an immediate “Yes!” The smile was plastered on my face like I was the happiest maniac alive.

How did I not see it coming?
I thought. We had discussed marriage before, but with all the baby excitement, I was too preoccupied to focus on the when and the where of it. It was all too perfect—and even caught me by surprise.

I had never felt more loved than I did in that moment.

We married three months later on September 10, 2013, at Disneyland in Anaheim, California. Would you expect me to get married anywhere else? Our wedding was more beautiful and more perfect than I could have ever imagined. We had the entire park to ourselves—including our own private viewing of the
Fantasmic!
water show and fireworks that lit up the night sky just for us. The bridal party and I were given the exclusive Dream Suite inside the park to get ready in. The ceremony was held at the Blue Bayou restaurant inside the Pirates of the Caribbean and our reception was in my favorite part of the park, New Orleans Square. At the end of the evening, we left the wedding in a horse-drawn pumpkin carriage. If that's not the makings of a fairy tale, I don't know what is.

This feels like an appropriate place to wrap up this book: Holly found her “happily ever after.” And I did. I believe Pasquale and Rainbow were always the future intended for me—and without embarking on that remarkable, bizarre, twisted journey down the rabbit hole, who knows if I would have ever found them.

But let that not be the moral of my story. True happiness doesn't come from simply getting married. I don't believe a woman's worth should be measured by whether or not she is married (I'm still surprised how many people still think that way!). Marriage and family are certainly beautiful parts of life, but I believe those things can truly be appreciated only when we find, love, and respect ourselves first. Pasquale didn't come to me at a time in my life when I needed rescuing most—he came when I didn't actually need to be rescued at all. And because of that, we developed a true and meaningful partnership. He's my Prince Charming, but I didn't need saving. I saved myself.

I won't apologize for the choices I made, because all of them brought me to the wonderful place I am today. But rest assured, my journey is far from over.

Just like Alice, Wonderland opened up my eyes and prepared me for my real life's adventure . . . one that has only just begun.

And how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago.

—Lewis Carroll,
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

PHOTO SECTION

“AND WHAT IS THE USE OF A BOOK,” THOUGHT ALICE, “WITHOUT PICTURES OR CONVERSATION?”

—
Lewis Carroll,
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Growing up in Alaska.
(Personal collection)

Age 12, junior high in Oregon.
(Personal collection)

Age 15, at cheerleading camp.
(Personal collection)

Age 21, new to California.
(Personal collection)

In Bunny costume.
(Erik Kabik)

With my favorite Playmate, Jenny McCarthy.
(Personal collection)

Bridget
(left)
and Kendra
(right)
behind the scenes of our first Playboy shoot with photographer Arny Freytag. The directors' chairs were gifts from Arny.
(Personal collection)

Sightseeing with friends in New York City while promoting our
Playboy
cover.
(Personal collection)

From left to right, Bridget, Playmate friend Liz Stewart, me, and Kendra at a signing, a blowup of our first cover hanging in the background.
(Personal collection)