Double Take (19 page)

Perhaps it would do some good. Maybe when people saw her as a calm, rational, thoughtful professional, they’d stop focusing on orgasms and start focusing on the real issue the PhD had been talking about. That was her hope, anyway.

Of course, her bosses were going to be furious. Far from obeying the edict to stay out of the limelight, she’d sought it out and leaped into it, feet first.

But she realized she didn’t care. She was tired of being reactive instead of proactive, tired of letting others dictate where she went, what she did and how she was supposed to behave. She’d behaved so differently from the Lindsey she’d always been, she almost didn’t recognize herself.

Well, that was over. Done. Even if it cost her her job. Screw it, there were other jobs. She was through being pushed around.

After the reporter and her cameraman had departed, Lindsey was left with some decisions to make. Her first instinct was to call Mike and ask him to come back. There was no one else in the world she wanted to share this moment of quiet triumph with more than him. She might not have won the war, but, damn it, she’d at least picked up a weapon and fought for herself.

But whenever she reached for the phone, two things kept flashing into her mind.

First, she’d just congratulated herself on reclaiming the real her. She was in control again, a one-woman island, strong and determined. How could she regress to leaning on someone else...especially someone else who just wanted to have an affair with her?

If Mike loved her—if he’d told her he loved her, as she now knew she loved him—it might be different. People in love, who were in committed, long-term relationships,
should
rely on each other. She and Mike didn’t have that, though, no matter how much she might want it. It was high time she remembered that, and stuck to relying only on herself, just as she’d always done.

Second, she kept seeing Mrs. Franklin’s face and hearing her voice. She’d said the town council would want to speak to him. In other words, the town council would be firing him.

That was her fault. If she’d never come here, Mike’s job would never have been at risk. He’d have finished his probationary period, secured a permanent position and melted right into island life. He’d probably have met a nice woman and had that pot-roast-and-picket-fence lifestyle he’d once mentioned.

Now it was all ruined, because of her.

He would lose his job. Considering his family and friends were all in Chicago, that would be the first place he’d consider retreating to. If she were still a part of his life, her presence there would only add to that instinctive reaction.

Once he was in Chicago, how long would it be before he had to get into the line of work she knew he loved? He might not want to get shot at, but being a cop was part of who he was. He’d end up back on the Chicago P.D. Back in the line of fire.

“No,” she whispered, heartsick at the very thought of it. Even if she was just his short-term, sexy fling, no way did she want him to ever put himself into more dangerous situations.

She couldn’t let it happen. She just couldn’t.

Finally, knowing she had to do something about it, she got on the phone and made several phone calls. She skipped Mrs. Franklin, well aware that was a lost cause. But she had met the other members of the town council over the past couple of months, and believed them to be nice and reasonable men.

She told them all her story, stressing how little Mike had to do with her presence here on the island. She made sure they understood that he’d had no idea who she was or what she did for a living when she’d accepted the job at the school. She said she’d tried to offer her full credentials to the school administrators, who hadn’t seemed the least bit interested. And she finished by reminding them it would be patently unfair for Mike to get any of the blame for whatever notoriety she brought on the town, and that under no circumstances should Callie be blamed, either, since she’d been in the middle of a horribly stressful personal situation.

They’d been very nice. Very understanding.

And, when they found out what her big secret was, very flirtatious. Dirty old dogs.

By the time she’d hung up from the last call, she was confident that Mrs. Franklin wasn’t going to get her way as far as Mike Santori went. The fact that she’d told every one of the council members about Ollie’s nightmarish tactics with women would help, too. Ollie’s uncle, the former chief, might support him, but nobody on the town council did, other than Mrs. Franklin. And after today, even her support might be tenuous.

Finally, when Lindsey was sure she’d done all she could, she began to pack. She threw her things in boxes and dumped them in her car. The phone rang twice. She checked the caller ID and ignored Callie’s call, and then Mike’s. Hearing a loving, consoling voice might make her feel better, but it wouldn’t help her do what had to be done.

She had to leave. Now.

She would go back to the mainland. She’d already turned in her final grades for her students... There was nothing holding her here. It was time—past time—to go home and try to reclaim her life. If her bosses didn’t want her, well, there were other clinics. Maybe more progressive ones where women’s sexual issues weren’t treated as a joke.

She could go back to the real her—self-reliant, self-controlled, not needing anyone. Well, at least, not
allowing
herself to need anyone.

Meanwhile, Mike’s life could return to normal. He could stay here, happily.
Safely
. Without her.

Her heart was breaking as she finished loading up the car. It cracked completely when she sat down to write him a note, explaining why she’d left. He might never forgive her for leaving like this, without having the guts to say goodbye to his face. The trouble was, if she saw him, she wouldn’t be
able
to say goodbye. She simply loved him too much.

She propped the note on the doorknob, knowing he’d come to the cottage tonight when he didn’t hear from her. Then she got in the car.

Sitting behind the wheel, the enormity of everything that had happened this afternoon washed over her. She felt drained, physically and emotionally. She suspected she might be experiencing a hint of shock, but forced herself to keep moving forward.

But not until she’d cried a little.

Or a lot.

Once the long-held-in tears began to flow freely from her eyes, she found them impossible to stop.

It had been a long time since she’d really cried. Such a long time. These weren’t quiet, soft tears, either. This was ugly, raw, violent sobbing. Her throat hurt, her eyes hurt and a glance in the rearview mirror revealed she looked as hideous as she felt.

“Get it together, girl,” she told herself as she glanced at the clock. She wanted to catch the 7:00 p.m. ferry. If she waited, Mike would stop her from catching the later one.

She rubbed her eyes with her sleeve, switched the car on and drove away from the little cottage where she and Mike had spent so many blissful, passionate hours.

The thought that she would never be with him again almost made her skip the turn for the landing and keep going up to town, just so she could see him one more time.

She knew better, though. So she turned.

The landing was actually pretty crowded, as lots of people were coming over from the mainland for the weekend. Few, however, were taking the return trip. In fact, hers was the only car loaded on by the crew.

The captain, who she’d met on her previous trips, offered her a big smile and said, “Come on aboard, miss! Gonna have the whole lounge to yourself tonight.”

The lounge consisted of a dingy cabin with a few bench seats and a couple of vending machines. She’d rather take her chances on deck, even if there was no handsome, charming man to convince her not to jump overboard if she got too seasick this time.

Walking up on deck, she watched as the crew finished readying to sail. Dusk was approaching, the late spring day coming to a close. But it was still light enough to easily see the shoreline, and she could visualize the cute little town beyond it.

There wasn’t much wind tonight, and just a light chop. She hoped that meant she wouldn’t be sick over the side, but wasn’t ruling anything out.

“Off we go!” cried the captain to his crew, and she gripped the railing, saying her goodbyes as the engines roared to life.

But before they slipped out of the dock, she spied a vehicle approaching the landing. It sped across the parking lot, spewing gravel, flashing its lights.

Not just its headlights, but its police light, as well.

A few loud blurps accompanied it.

“Oh, God,” she whispered, knowing it was Mike.

He’d gotten her note too soon and was coming to...what? To ask her to stay? How could she stay when she was so out of place here, when her career was such a holy scandal?

Besides, she didn’t want to live on Wild Boar Island. She had no chance of a career here. And while the people were nice enough, and she’d love to visit again, she hated living like a butterfly in a box.

Mike was building a new life here; he had a job that was safe and steady, where he could really work toward a future. There was no room for her in that life, or that future. God, why couldn’t he have just let her go?

“Seems there might be a problem,” the captain said, calling down from the upper deck. “We’ll have to delay for a few minutes.”

“Oh, please don’t,” she said, wondering if he could see the tears tracking down her cheeks. She just didn’t have the strength to say goodbye to Mike’s face.

“Sorry, miss. That’s Chief Santori. Gotta find out what he wants.”

It was hopeless, so she stayed still, watching as Mike pulled up to the very edge of the dock. The ferry gate was up, blocking his passage, but Mike rolled the window down and yelled up to the captain. “Sorry to be late, but I really need to get on board.”

“Is it an emergency?”

He looked away from the captain, staring at her through the windshield. Finally, he yelled back, “It is to me.”

“That’ll do, then,” the captain said. He glanced back toward her, and Lindsey figured he’d noticed the comings and goings of her and the chief. They might have fooled some people by pretending to travel apart, but the captain had to have noticed that whenever one of them went across on the ferry, the other one did, too.

Lindsey wrapped her arms around herself, trying to maintain her calm as the captain lowered the gate and sent one of the crew members over to drive the SUV on board. As soon as he relinquished the wheel, Mike strode up the gangplank, heading straight for her. He was so handsome, his hair windblown, his strong body looking amazing in soft, loose-fitting jeans and a dark T-shirt. The man was even more delicious out of uniform. Of course, he was most delicious out of clothes altogether.

Stop it. Don’t think about him that way
.

His steps slowed as he drew closer.

“Mike,
what
are you doing here?”

“Oh, Lindsey, wow, fancy running into you here. Did you remember to take your Dramamine?”

“Why did you follow me?”

“What makes you think I followed you?” he asked with a shrug so nonchalant she almost wanted to smack him. How he could be so calm and casual when she was a churning mass of ugly emotion?

“I’ll ask you again. What are you doing here?”

“Why do you care?” he asked, his voice finally revealing something other than that forced good humor. She heard anger there, and perhaps hurt.

Damn it. Of course she’d hurt him. She’d been a coward and left him only a note, after everything they’d shared over the past couple of months. The fact that she’d done it because she was scared to need someone so much, and even more scared for his very life probably wouldn’t have occurred to him.

“I care,” she said softly. “I care more than I ever wanted to.”

That seemed to anger him more. He grabbed her upper arms, none too gently, and pulled her close. “You have a hell of a way of showing it.”

She closed her eyes, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth, trying to find the words that would make him let her go without making him decide to do something she didn’t even want him to think about doing. Namely, coming back to Chicago to be with her, and returning to his old lifestyle.

In the end, though, there was only the truth. Lindsey had never been a liar; she just wasn’t good at it.

“Mike, I meant what I said in the note. I’m leaving because I have to get on my own feet again and start taking control of my own destiny.”

“Who’s stopping you?”

“Not you,” she insisted, not wanting him to think she blamed him. “It’s just become so easy to let my feelings for you dictate what I’m doing.”

He said nothing.

“I was also being honest about not wanting to be the one to cost you the life you’re building for yourself. I’ve caused you nothing but trouble, and if you lose your job and have to stop doing something you really want to do because of me, I just couldn’t live with it.”

His grip loosened a little. He continued to stare searchingly into her face, his eyes lit by the setting sun that turned them to amber.

“There’s more. Tell me the rest.”

“What?”

“Let down the walls. Stop holding back. Say what you
really
feel and tell me what you
really
want.” He lifted a hand and stroked her cheek. “Please, Lindsey. Don’t keep protecting yourself, not from me. You don’t have to be afraid to show me the real you.”

Knowing what he was asking of her, Lindsey trembled. Was she being a coward? Was this all based on fear? Her fear of losing him, of him being hurt, even her fear of actually having to come out and admit she loved him?

Was running away, making excuses that it was for his own good, all
really
about her inability to actually trust him with her heart?

“I love you,” she whispered, the words barely rising from her lips.

He stepped closer. “What?”

She swallowed, gathering her strength. “I love you, Mike. I love you so much, but loving you has made me almost forget who I am. I’m too vulnerable to you.”