Double Feature: Attack of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies/Bride of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies (The Russel Middlebrook Series Book 3) (3 page)

Time screeched to a halt, leaving skid marks in the bottom of my stomach. Kevin was coming out? This was a very big deal.

I shook my head. "I don't believe it," I said. It was kind of a jerky thing to say, but I couldn't help myself.

"No, I am," he said. "Really!"

I peered at him. "When?"

"Soon. I want to tell my buddies on the baseball team first. So they don't hear it from someone else. I know I need to tell them one at a time."

So he'd actually given this some thought. Was he really going to go through with it? I had my doubts.

"Well," I said. "That is some big news. How do you feel?"

He bobbed and weaved. "Scared. But excited too. It just feels right. Anyway, I wanted to tell you right away."

Something about that statement seemed unfinished. Like there was more he wanted to say.

"Wow," I said again. "Well, that's great. And I'm glad you told me."

"So," he said.

"Yeah," I said.

"I knew you'd be surprised."

"I am. I really am."

"But it feels good," Kevin said. "Really, really good."

"Well, I'm happy for you."

Why did it suddenly feel like the conversation had come to a standstill? Now we were just spinning our wheels.

There was something that wasn't being said here—the real reason why Kevin had wanted to tell me he was coming out. It was obvious, right? Or was it? Maybe I was just flattering myself.

The thing is, I didn't
want
to know what was not being said here. I had a boyfriend, right? And I was very happy with him. The fact that Kevin was coming out—if he ever actually did—didn't change anything at all. Kevin had been a real jerk to me, and there was no taking that back.

"Well, look," I said. "I should get home. School night and all, right?"

"Russel?" Kevin said.

"Good luck with your friends!" I said, starting to leave. Suddenly the most important thing in the world was getting away from him.

But Kevin wasn't going to let me get away that easily. Before I could get five feet, he spoke the words that had been hanging in the air like levitating water balloons; as he spoke them, they splashed down right on top of me.

"Russel," he whispered. "I still love you. I'm so sorry I hurt you before, and if you'll have me, I wanna get back together again."

So Kevin wanted to get back together. I guess I'd known this all along. Why else would he have wanted to "talk"? But I had a new boyfriend now, that great guy named Otto, and I really, really loved him. So why hadn't I stopped Kevin from saying his horrible and horribly exciting words?

In my defense, I found the courage to mention Otto at last.

"Kevin," I said. "I'm sorry. I have a new boyfriend."

"You
do
?" Kevin couldn't have looked more surprised if I'd told him I was really a werewolf. What was so damn surprising about my having a new boyfriend? Did he think I was such a loser that I'd never find anyone again? But I couldn't blame Kevin for not being aware of Otto. He had no way of knowing about him. Otto didn't go to our school, and Kevin and I hadn't talked for eight months.

"His name is Otto," I said. "I met him at summer camp. He's a really great guy."

Note to world: Ex-boyfriends really don't want to hear details about how great a new boyfriend is, especially when they're hearing about him for the very first time.

"Oh," Kevin said.

"He lives almost eight hundred miles away." Now why had I told Kevin
that?
Because it sounded suspiciously like a mixed message.

"Oh?"

"But we're really, really happy," I added quickly—lamely.

"Well," Kevin said. "I'm really happy for you. Really." He hesitated. "I should probably get going. Hey, are you gonna be okay about your parents?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm much better. Thanks for listening."

"Uh-huh."

And then he was the one walking away from me.

So Kevin wanted to get back together with me, so much so that he was willing to come out at school. Or so he said. It remained to be seen if he would ever actually do it. I had my doubts, especially now that I'd turned him down flat (more or less). The last time Kevin had had to choose between me and his own popularity, he'd chosen his popularity—to the point where he'd even actually stood there with his jock friends calling me names for being gay. That was a hard thing to forget.

I headed off in the opposite direction from Kevin. But the pit in my stomach, the one that had first opened when I realized my parents knew what they knew, hadn't gone away. If anything, it was even bigger than before.

*   *   *

When I got home that night, I slipped in the back door. I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen, but I somehow managed to creep past them. I felt like the main character in some monster movie, trying to get out of the house before the creatures realize I'm there. Only in my case, I was just trying to get to my bedroom.

Once there, I immediately IMed Otto. I was well aware that he should have been the first person whom I told about my parents. I felt guilty, like I'd cheated on him, which I guess in a way I had.

My user name was "Smuggler" (for no reason I can explain). Otto's was "OttoManEmpire" (because, well, his name is Otto).

Smuggler: Hey you. Big news. My parents found out about me.

OttoManEmpire: No WAY! How?

I explained it all, but I didn't mention that it was the magazine he had sent me, because I didn't want him to feel responsible.

OttoManEmpire: How do you feel? Are you okay?

Kevin had asked me the same question. I had to think about it before I could answer Otto. How
did
I feel? So much had happened in such a short period of time, but none of it made much sense. I felt like a leper examining myself for injuries that I knew were there but that I couldn't quite feel.

Smuggler
:
I'm not sure it's hit me yet.

OttoManEmpire: Yeah, I felt that way too at first.

He had told his parents in August, a few weeks after he'd got home from summer camp. They had been surprised and concerned, but they hadn't called him disgusting.

Smuggler: What's it like with your parents now?

OttoManEmpire
:
Okay. I told them, and then they never talked about it again. So things basically went back to normal. It's never come up.

Smuggler: Figures.

OttoManEmpire: What you need now is support. Someone you can talk to in person (and who'll give you a hug!). Min or Gunnar around?

Smuggler: I already talked to one friend.

I felt guilty that I hadn't specified that that "friend" was Kevin. At least I hadn't let him hug me.

OttoManEmpire: That's what helped me. The support of my friends.

Otto hadn't told just his parents he was gay—he'd also told all his friends, and even come out at school. My meeting him that summer had changed his whole life, which was cool, but it made me feel strange too. Responsible.

OttoManEmpire: Do your parents know about me?

Smuggler: No. But they might figure it out. They know you're coming for Thanksgiving.

Otto was coming to visit me over the break the following week. We'd been planning it for a while now. I'd already told him about
Attack of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies
, and even picked up a form to mail to him so he could get it signed by his parents and be an extra too, at least for a day or two.

OttoManEmpire: Do you think I should still come visit?

Smuggler: YES! I really really really still want you to come!

I also sent him six "party face" emoticons. And I wasn't lying with my answer. I really
did
want him to come. My parents' learning I was gay and Kevin saying he wanted to get back together had left me all confused and my emotions jumbled. But I wasn't confused about my feelings toward Otto. I still remembered Otto's and my last night together, at camp that summer. We had snuck out onto the lake in a rowboat after dark, and we'd cried and kissed and held each other, and told each other how much we were in love. My feelings for him then had been stronger than anything I'd ever experienced, even stronger than what I'd felt for Kevin all those months ago.

OttoManEmpire: But what will your parents say? Especially if we sleep in the same bedroom.

He sent me a "winking face" emoticon.

Smuggler: Who cares? This is my house too!

This was, of course, a gross oversimplification. But I figured I could deal with all that later.

Smuggler: Otto?

OttoManEmpire: Yeah?

Smuggler: I love you. You know that, right?

OttoManEmpire: Of course. And I love you too.

Smuggler: No! I mean I really, really, really love you!

This was absolutely true. There was nothing that I wanted more than to see Otto again, to spend time floating on the calm, moonlit water in the quiet little rowboat of our love. I want to kiss him, and rest my head on his chest, and smell his hair, and massage the muscles in the back of his neck. I knew it wouldn't change what had happened with my parents, but for as long as we were together, the world would at least feel right.

But as absolutely true as all this was, in the back of my mind was this nagging little feeling that, even now, I kind of wanted to kiss and rest my head and all the rest with Kevin too.

*   *   *

The next day at school, I told Min and Gunnar all about what had happened with my parents. They were very supportive and said all the right things, just like I knew they would.

I didn't tell them about Kevin. Which felt weird. It was like I'd spent all day lifting weights with my right arm, but not my left. I felt out of balance.

Why didn't I tell Min? Partly it was because I knew exactly how she would react. She would say go tell Kevin to take a flying leap. And she would have a point. Kevin had treated me pretty badly all those months before. Min also had her own issues with Kevin. She'd wanted him to stand up for this kid that everyone was bullying, but he never had.

Anyway, this new situation was more complicated than how Min would see it. She was great, but she could be kind of, um, uncompromising. This is not necessarily a bad thing. She was the kind of friend who calls you on your shit. Everyone should have a friend like her.

But that's not where I was right then. I was still working things through in my mind. Meanwhile, I knew that Gunnar wouldn't judge me. He'd made mistakes too. He was more human. So he just seemed like the better friend to talk to—safer.

On nonrainy days, Gunnar and I rode to school together on our bikes. I decided to tell him about Kevin on the way home.

"It's really incredible the number of big directors who got their start on horror movies," Gunnar was saying as we rode. "James Cameron, Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi, Francis Ford Coppola, Oliver Stone. Even Steven Spielberg!" Needless to say, Gunnar was still obsessing over the making of movies.

"Oh," I said.

"But it's not surprising. Horror really lends itself to low-budget filmmaking. The stories are pretty straightforward, and a lot of what makes a film scary is the camera work, and what's implied on-screen, not what's actually shown. Audiences are also more forgiving of technical flaws, at least if the film is scary. Plus horror is one of the few genres where you can get a distribution deal and promote the movie even with no stars."

"Ah," I said.

Gunnar looked over at me. "Sorry. I'm going on, aren't I? You're still freaked about your parents, aren't you?"

Gunnar acted like he had OCD
and
ADD, but that didn't mean he was completely clueless. He might not have been as observant as I was, but he did okay in a pinch.

"It's not that," I said.

"Then what?"

I sighed. "Kevin."

"Kevin Land? What does he have to do with anything?"

"He wants to get back together."

"You are
kidding
me!"

"No." I explained how I'd run into him at the movie meeting, how he'd e-mailed me afterward, and how we'd met by the stinky picnic gazebo.

"That must be kind of flattering," Gunnar said. "To have him coming crawling back to you and everything."

I laughed. "Yeah. I guess it is. But it's not just that. Kevin told me he's decided to come out."

Gunnar knew why I'd broken up with Kevin, so he knew exactly what this meant.

"Yikes," he said. "Do you think he really will?"

"He might. What do you think I should do?"

"About Kevin?"

"Yeah."

He stared at me for a second. "You're really asking my opinion?"

"Of course," I said. "Why not?"

"Well, it's just that no one's ever really asked me for relationship advice before. Why would they? What do I know about relationships?"

"Well, you
do
have a girlfriend now, you know."

"I know! Sometimes I still can't believe it." Gunnar thought a second longer. "If Kevin did come out, would you want to get back together with him?"

That was the million-dollar question. Gunnar had zeroed right in on it. Maybe I'd been wrong not to ask him relationship advice earlier.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"So it's kind of a possibility?" Gunnar asked.

"Maybe."

We kept riding. Our bikes squeaked. My balls needed readjusting, but I couldn't do it without losing my balance.

"What about Otto?" he said at last. There was no judgment in his voice, just like I'd thought.

"God, I love Otto. I really do. No doubt about that."

"But?"

"But he lives eight hundred miles away!" I said. "And I'm almost seventeen years old. If he were here, there would be no question that I would stay with him. But what kind of relationship can we have living that far apart? I'll see him a week or two every year, at most. That's not a relationship, it's a pen pal. And we
can
stay friends. And maybe someday we'll live closer together, so we can pursue a real relationship. There's nothing to keep that from happening. This thing with Kevin, it's not really about Kevin. It's about me. About where I am in life."

"But?"

"But I do love Otto. And Otto loves me. And meeting me, it's changed his whole life. If I broke up with him, he would be devastated. I'm sure he'd think it was his entire fault. It might be forever until he trusted someone again. And why would I really be breaking up with him? Just because there's someone who lives
closer
? What kind of crappy reason is
that
? Maybe I'm just making excuses so I can get back together with Kevin."