Don't Make Me Beautiful (27 page)

“You have to come over here and learn the functions on this spreadsheet I made for you, just in case you mess them up and need to rebuild them,” she says, feeling a little bit like a nag.
 
It’s not the first time she’s had to cajole him into getting involved in his books.

“But why do I have to learn it when I have you?” he says, resting on his back on the couch, looking over at her as she sits at the desk.
 
He’s on break in between sanding and varnishing a desk in his shop.
 
He works weekdays and weekends as the spirit moves him, but always finishes when he says he will.

“Because I’m not going to be here forever,” she says, tallying up the hours she’s worked so he can pay her.
 
She gets the money in cash and keeps it in under the bed in a hand-made wooden box he gave her - the project that the mysterious invoice was supposed to be attached to.

So far she has almost a thousand dollars saved.
 
It’s not enough for an apartment, but it’s good enough for bus fare and some clothing.
 
Maybe after another month she’ll have what she needs to be on her way.
 
The idea makes her sad, but so does pretty much anything involved with not being around Brian and Liam anymore.
 
She’s gotten way too attached to the dynamic duo.

“Where are you going?” asks Liam, walking into the room.
 
He stops in front of Nicole, searching her face.
 
He no longer flinches or has expressions that speak of being uncomfortable when he looks at her.
 
It has given her immense hope to know that a person can look past her outward ugliness to the girl inside, the one she’s trying very hard to build up and make confident again.

She reaches out and takes his small hands in hers.
 
“I can’t stay here forever, Liam.
 
I have to move out, get my own place.”

“But why?” he asks, shifting to sit in her lap.
 
Once he found out he could convince her to read to him whenever he asked, her lap became his favorite place to be, book in hand or not.

“Because.
 
This is your house and Daddy’s house, not mine.”

“So? You can still stay, right, Dad?”

“Yep.
 
Briana can stay as long as she wants.”

“Yeah, like forever and ever, right?” Liam clarifies.

“Yes, like forever and ever.”
 
Brian rolls over on his side and gives Nicole his best puppy-dog eyes.
 
“Come on, stay. Why would you want to leave all this?” he asks, spreading one arm out above him, gesturing to the modest living room.

She smiles sadly.
 
He might be joking about not having the biggest or fanciest house, but she isn’t laughing.
 
This is the most beautiful, loving home she has ever known.
 
Leaving is going to almost destroy her.
 
That’s why she’s putting it off for as long as she can.
 
She’ll need to be very strong to walk away from all this love.

But staring at Brian, she’s reminded how it won’t be enough, to just be with him and see him every day without being closer.
 
And she can’t be closer with him, even if he were willing.
 
There’s Helen and Liam to think about, not to mention her face.

The ache in her chest is almost unbearable as she thinks about her decision to quit men forever and dedicate herself to the life of a hermit spinster.
 
The one silver lining she’s come up with out of this whole mess is that John did her a favor turning her into a monster; at least with a face like this, she won’t be attracting any attention from the opposite sex.
 
Or the same sex for that matter.
 
She’ll be left to her own devices, to a life of peace and serenity where violence has no place to take root.

Brian sits up on the couch.
 
“I’ve been wanting to ask you … do you feel like going camping?
 
I’ve got the itch to hang out in the great outdoors for a few days, and Liam has a holiday coming up at school.”

Liam jumps off Nicole’s lap and starts dancing around and flapping his arms. “Camping!
 
Camping!
 
We wanna go camping!”
 
Then he streaks out of the room and down the hallway, yelling the whole way.

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say he likes to camp,” Nicole says.

“Just a little.
 
What about you?
 
Do you like to?”

“I’ve never been.”

“You’d love it.”

“I can’t leave the house, Brian, you know that.”

“Says who?
 
Your arm’s almost all better, so are your ribs … your bruises are gone, and your lips are healed.
 
You’re good to go.”

She shakes her head, proud that she’s not crying over this conversation like she has so many of the others they’ve had.
 
“It doesn’t change the fact that I make people sick to their stomach just looking at me.”

“Oh, come on, stop exaggerating.
 
Your face isn’t that bad at all.”

“You’re just blind.” She turns back to the computer, not wanting to look at his beautiful face anymore.
 
It’s almost painful how gorgeous he is in comparison to her.

“I have perfect vision, I already told you that.
 
And I was talking to Helen the other day and she was saying how with a little makeup she could make you feel better about going outside in public. We’ll keep you in disguise until we’re out of the neighborhood and then you can take off the wig and stuff when we’re headed out of town.
 
Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Another one of those annoying sparks of hope lights up in her chest.
 
They come more and more often these days, and don’t want to get snuffed out as easily as they used to.
 
It’s very frustrating, trying to stay unhappy and hopeless in this house with everything working against her.
 
Not only does she have Brian’s twenty-four/seven happiness and occasional chaste kisses on her cheek that warm her to her toes, she also has Liam hanging on her every word, Helen dropping by to help at odd times,
and
Agnes at the back door with that delicious coffee every morning.
 
No one seems to want to leave her alone long enough to be lonely.
 
It’s the longest span of time she’s lived where the days are full of light instead of darkness.

“I’d rather just stay here and work on the books.”

“If you work those books any harder you’re going to be crunching numbers I haven’t even brought in yet.
 
You’ll get a brain cramp.
 
Come on, let’s just do a short little trip.
 
Two days.
 
We’ll leave on Friday as soon as Liam’s out of school.
 
I know the perfect place, isolated out in the middle of the woods near a stream.
 
I can fish, you can fish or read books, and Liam can get covered in dirt and mosquito bites.
 
It’ll be heaven.”

The smile refuses to leave her face.
 
“I’ll think about it.”

“That means yes.” Brian jumps up off the couch and leaves the room before she can argue.
 
A moment later she hears him rattling around in the hallway closet where she knows the camping gear is kept.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean yes!” she yells, defeat lacing her voice.
 
She wants it to mean yes, she just can’t bring herself to say the words that will put her out in the public eye again.
 
The idea is too terrifying to just walk right into it voluntarily.
 
“I don’t even like camping!”
 
That part was a bold-face lie, but it seems justified.

She turns back to the desk and tries to focus on her work again, but she can’t.
 
Her mind wanders to a vision of the three of them sleeping in a tent together, Brian cooking over a fire, a refreshing hike in the woods.
 
It all seems so magical, so unlike anything she’s imagined herself doing in years.

She used to think she’d like camping, before John.
 
Up until two seconds ago, she thought he’d taken that away from her right along with everything else, but somehow right now Brian is making it seem like it could be part of her new reality.
 
Camping.
 
Could I really go out and do that? Where people might see me?

A small sound next to her elbow distracts her from her thoughts.
 
Liam is standing there, crestfallen, his lower lip trembling.

“What’s the matter, Li-Li?” she says, unable to keep from lifting him up into her lap.
 
His gangly legs and arms make it difficult, but he seems to need the effort.

“I’m sad.”

“Why are you sad?
 
You love camping.”

“I’m sad because
you
don’t love camping.”
 
He plays with the button on her shirt, one of the several Helen has brought over.

Nicole sighs.
 
“Maybe I do like camping.
 
I’ve just never been.”

“My dad says you shouldn’t decide if you like something or don’t like something until you try it.”

“Your dad is a very smart man.”

Liam pauses for a long time and she just rubs his back while he works out whatever is bothering him.
 
She’s not expecting his next thoughts.

“Do you remember when I saw you the first time?” Liam asks, his voice tentative and searching.

Her heart stops beating for a moment and then hammers loudly as the fear creeps in.
 
“Yes, I think so.”

“When you were living with that mean man?”

She knows Brian hasn’t told him anything about John, so this whole conversation is making her want to run and get Liam’s dad.
 
But she doesn’t because she’s afraid of upsetting Liam.
 
Maybe it’ll just play out fine and she won’t have to figure out a way to explain physical violence between adults to this innocent angel.

She schools her tone to remain calm.
 
“Yes, I remember.”

“After I saw you, I came home and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.”

Nicole feels like crying, but doesn’t.
 
Liam shouldn’t feel bad just for being honest.
 
“I understand.”

“I decided that I didn’t like you right away, and that’s bad boy stuff.”

“I think that’s normal.
 
That’s okay that you didn’t like me.”
 
She hugs him to make him feel better about being afraid of a monster’s face.
 
He can hardly be blamed for that.
 
She would have done the same thing at his age.

“It’s not okay,” he insists, squirming around until he’s looking at her.
 
“I didn’t do what Daddy said.
 
I didn’t even try to know you first.
 
That was mean.”

The pieces start to fall into place for her.
 
“Are you thinking about the camping thing right now?”

“Maybe…”
 
He looks at her, his sad expression morphing into one a little on the sly side.
 
“But you know after I learned about you and you read me some stories, I liked you.
 
A lot.
 
I like you a lot.”
 
He throws his arms around her neck and clings to her.
 
“I love you, Briana.”

Nicole frowns, only a little incredulous that he’s this clever and sneaky, but forgiving him because he loves her.
 
Despite her being a monster to look at, he says he loves her.
 
His father’s been pretty good at worming his way into her heart; maybe the apple hasn’t fallen that far from the tree.

“Are you trying to con me into going camping?”
 
She’s working hard at keeping the smile away, but it’s a losing battle.
 
Her heart feels like it’s going to explode with happiness.

He pulls away, his expression pure innocence.
 
“What’s con?”

“Trick.
 
Are you trying to trick me?”

His eyes open wide.
 
“Trick you?
 
No, I’m not trying to trick you.
 
You’re a grownup.”

She slides him off her lap and gives him a gentle spank on the rear.
 
“You’re pure trouble, you know that?
 
Just like your daddy.”

He jumps up and down a few times, like he has ants in his pants.
 
“Does that mean you’re gonna try camping before you hate it?”

The little bugger is impossible to keep down.
 
She sighs in defeat.
 
“I guess.”

“Woo hoooo!!
 
We’re going camping!” yells Liam, skipping off down the hallway to tell his dad.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

BRIAN WORKS TO QUICKLY FINISH up a dining room table he agreed to deliver by Friday early afternoon so they can clear the decks for their camping trip.
 
He comes out of the garage workshop to find Helen and Nicole in the living room, having a disagreement.

“What’s going on?” he asks when he sees the look of frustration on Helen’s face.

“I came by to help with Briana’s makeup and she’s giving me a hard time about it.”

“I’m not giving you a hard time about it, I’m just saying that I think you’re being unreasonable.”

Helen looks at Brian and rolls her eyes.
 
“She’s insisting that no amount of make up will make a difference.
 
I don’t agree.”

Brian shrugs.
 
“What’s the harm in trying?
 
If you don’t like it, you can take it off.
 
I don’t care either way.
 
I just thought you’d be more comfortable trying to alter your appearance a little before we get out of town.”