Don't Look Back (15 page)

He smiled in return. “Like I told you before, you’re a special woman, Kate.”

I felt my face redden and I shook my head.

“Really,” he said. “You always know the right thing to say to make me feel better.”

Unsure what I had said that had made him feel better, I said, “Thanks.”

This time when Marcus took me home, we said good-night on the front porch and neither one of us seemed to feel the uncertainty of whether we should share a good-night kiss. It felt like our relationship had moved more securely into the friendship zone.

As I got ready for bed I thought about where our relationship was going and wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. The friendship was certainly more comfortable than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would be, but I found myself going back and forth between wanting to just remain friends and wanting more.

Chapter Twenty-Six

The next time I checked my email, I found a message from Trevor.

Lily,

I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided I’ll consider a divorce. But you need to do one small thing first. You need to send me back my gym bag. Once I receive it, I’ll move ahead with the divorce. I’m not happy about this, but I’m doing it because I love you enough to let you go.

Love,

Trevor

I pictured the gym bag he was talking about. It was where he’d put the money he’d stolen from me. I’d found it in his locker at Rob’s Auto Body shop. And now it was in a box somewhere in my secret room.

I pressed Reply.

Trevor,

Of course I’ll send you the gym bag.

Then I stopped. If I sent a package, he’d see where I’d sent it from and he’d be able to find me. I pressed the backspace key until the reply disappeared. Then I started typing again.

Trevor,

How stupid do you think I am? I’m not going to do anything that will help you find me. Can’t you see that it is over for us? Why won’t you just accept that?

Lily

I pressed Send and sat back with a sigh.

I received Trevor’s reply later that day.

Lily,

I’m having a hard time believing there is no hope for us. When I think about our wedding day and how much we loved each other, I believe we can still make our marriage work. Please tell me where you are, Lily. I miss you so much. I’ve been so lonely without you. My arms ache to hold you. I love you with all my heart.

Love,

Trevor

As I reread his email, I realized tears were trailing down my cheeks. I couldn’t help it. Though I believed our marriage was over, I mourned for the loss of the happy moments. Not only that, but I had been feeling more lonely too. Since Marcus and I had settled into a friendship relationship, I couldn’t help but miss the physical closeness Trevor and I had shared.

I read his email once more and was tempted to tell him where I was. I imagined him showing up at my door and instead of the frightening encounter I had prepared for, I visualized his beautiful smile and striking blue eyes as his face lit up with happiness in seeing me. I pictured Trevor by my side as I gave birth to our child, the three of us forming an idyllic family.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. Trevor was still my husband. It was right and good for me to want to be with him.

It wasn’t so bad at the end, I thought. Yes, I couldn’t leave when I wanted, but Trevor treated me okay. He took care of me. He only had my needs in mind.

Then, as if coming out of a trance, I shook my head. What was I thinking? He had imprisoned me and isolated me. He never wanted to let me go. I had no freedom. And he had physically hurt me several times.

But had he changed? All of his recent emails had been so full of love. Was he pretending or had he actually changed? I wondered how he would respond if I purposely tried to provoke him.

Trevor,

I don’t think you mean what you say. I think you’re trying to manipulate me. After the way you treated me, lying to me, stealing from me, I will NEVER be able to trust you again. It is over! Know this - I will NEVER want to be with you again. I deserve better and you don’t deserve to be with me or with our child.

Lily

My finger hovered over the mouse. Guilt at my harsh words flowed through me. I had never purposely tried to hurt someone like that before. If he really had changed, my words would cut him to the core. But if he was just pretending, he deserved every word.

Finally I pressed Send, then shut down my computer and went outside to play with Greta.

When Trevor replied, his tone was definitely unfriendly. But I didn’t know if that was because I’d hurt him and he wanted to hurt me back or because he truly believed the things he said.

As I reread the email, I almost felt physical pain at the words he said.

Lily,

I don’t know where you get off saying those things to me, but what makes you think you deserve to be the mother of
my
child? All I can say is that you’d better put my name on the baby’s birth certificate. The baby is mine as much as yours. In fact, I believe I’ll be a much better parent than you would ever be. How would you even know how to be a mother? Your mother died when you were little, so you don’t even know what being a mother is all about. But my mother is still alive. How dare you think you can keep my child away from its father and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. If the baby is with you, you will be depriving him or her of having a real family.

You’re selfish! You think only of yourself. A real mother would put her child before herself. Just more proof that you will never be a real mother!

I sobbed as his words sunk into my heart. He had voiced every doubt I had about my ability to be a good mother to my child. The tears flowed unabated and I did nothing to stop them, allowing all my worries and fears to be laid bare.

When I finally felt myself winding down, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen. I splashed cold water on my face and patted it dry. Greta pressed against me, apparently sensing how upset I was. I reached down and pet her.

“Let’s go play,” I said, thinking I would feel better if I went outdoors in the warm sun and played with my sweet dog.

She followed me out back and we began her favorite game - fetch. After a few minutes I heard a familiar voice calling my name. I looked toward the gate and saw Marcus coming through.

Oh no, I thought. He’ll probably be able to tell I was crying.

Still a safe distance away, I called hello then turned my back and threw the ball for Greta.

“Hi, Kate,” he said as he approached.

“How are you, Marcus?” I kept my face mostly turned away. Hopefully enough so that he couldn’t see my red eyes, but not so much as to arouse suspicion.

“I’m doing great. How about you?” he said.

“I’m fine. So what’s new?” Greta dropped the ball at my feet. I picked it up and threw it again. This time, after she captured the ball, she took it with her into the bushes as she followed a scent that apparently caught her attention. I stood staring at her.

“Kate,” Marcus said, obviously trying to get my attention.

“Yeah?” I said, not turning toward him. Why didn’t I think to put on sunglasses, I thought.

“Kate, look at me.”

Slowly, I turned toward him and hoped he wouldn’t notice my red eyes.

“Were you crying?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

His voice softened. “What’s wrong, Kate?”

The empathy he clearly felt made my tender feelings rush forward and fresh tears pushed their way into my eyes. He obviously saw them too.

He pulled me into his arms. “Oh, Kate. It’s all right. Whatever it is, it will be all right.”

I felt so safe and secure in his arms that I could almost believe him.

He held me like that for a full minute. Finally, when I’d gotten myself under control, I pulled back slightly and looked at his face. I tried to laugh it off.

“I’m sorry about that, Marcus. Pregnancy hormones I guess.”

He smiled down at me and with a finger, gently wiped away a tear that hovered near my eye. His other arm was still wrapped around my shoulders and our bodies were nearly touching. My eyes locked on his as his free hand traced my jawline, then stopped under my chin.

I watched his face move closer to mine and my pulse skyrocketed in anticipation. When his eyes began to close, I closed mine as well. After what seemed an eternity, his lips met mine. Fire ignited throughout my body and I eagerly kissed him back.

The hand that was under my chin moved to wrap around my waist and my arms snaked around his neck. His tongue pushed into my mouth and I responded with urgency. After a long moment we pulled apart, both of us breathless.

I gazed into his eyes and his face broke into a wide grin. His happiness was contagious and I smiled back. Though my eyes still felt swollen, the words that had caused those tears faded to the back of my mind. My focus had shifted to the man standing in front of me.

“Not sure where that came from,” Marcus said as his arms released me.

My emotions were in an uproar, having been crushed earlier and then soaring when Marcus kissed me. I could feel my emotions sinking as I wondered if he regretted the kiss we’d shared. I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment. If he regretted the kiss and wanted to keep our relationship platonic, I didn’t want him to know that I definitely had more than a friendly feeling toward him now.

Greta appeared at my side and demanded my attention. Grateful for the distraction, I squatted next to her and scratched her back and her tail wagged in pleasure. After a few moments something caught her eye and she scampered off. Standing slowly, I faced Marcus. His eyes were on me and he seemed to be holding back a smile.

“What are you smiling about?” I asked, trying to gauge how he felt about our kiss.

“Me? I wasn’t smiling.”

“Okay. Whatever you say.”

“Do you want to tell me now what made you so upset?”

Obviously, he wasn’t going to do or say anything to clarify his feelings for me.

“It was nothing, Marcus. Just pregnancy hormones getting the best of me.”

“If you say so. But I hope you know I’m always available if you need someone to talk to.”

“Thanks, Marcus. That’s nice to know.” I paused then asked, “So what brought you over here today?”

“Oh yeah.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a pair of leather gloves. “I came to see if you needed help pulling weeds.”

I laughed. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Okay. Let’s get started then.”

Marcus got the bucket from the porch and brought it over to a weedy part of the yard. He knelt on the grass and began pulling weeds, then dropping them into the bucket. He stopped and looked at me, his ever-present smile on his face. “Aren’t you going to pull weeds too?”

I laughed again. “I don’t know what gave you that idea. I just came out here to play with my dog.”

He turned back to the task. “Okay fine. Leave the real work to me.”

“That’s what friends are for,” I said.

He turned and looked at me again, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Whatever you say, Kate.” Then he turned back to the weeds.

His response left me as confused as ever. Did he still want to just be friends or did he want to take it up a notch? I considered asking him straight out, but I wasn’t brave enough. If he said he just wanted to be friends, I feared I would plunge into a feeling of sadness, all hope crushed. But if he said he was ready to take it to the next level, I would be tormented with guilt over the fact that I was still married and Marcus had no idea, which could end up crushing his heart. I didn’t want to do that to him.

It was better not to know, I decided. Sighing, I went and got my gloves and knelt next to him on the grass.

“So you will do the hard work, huh?” he said.

“I’ve always done the hard work, so you’d better watch it,” I said as I gently shoved his arm.

“Or what?” He said, turning to face me.

“Or I won’t let you come over and help me anymore.”

He laughed. “That would show me, wouldn’t it?”

“That depends.”

“On?”

“Whether or not you like coming over.”

The smile left his face and his eyes seemed to soften. “I do like coming over, Kate.”

The tension increased and I felt certain he was going to kiss me again. Suddenly Greta nosed her way between us and the moment was lost.

Marcus put his arm around her. “Greta, what are you up to?” He rubbed her side and I found myself longing to have his strong arms wrapped securely around me.

Greta went off again and we pulled weeds for a while in a companionable silence. The ringing of Marcus’ cell phone broke the quiet. After a brief conversation he hung up then turned to me.

“I need to take off, Kate.” He stood.

I stayed kneeling on the grass. “Okay. Thanks for your help.”

“I hope you’ll let me come back,” he said with a sparkle in his eyes.

“I guess that would be okay,” I said, smiling.

“All right. I’ll see you later then.”

He left through the gate and as I watched him go, I admitted to myself that even though it would make me feel guilty, I wanted to be more than friends with Marcus. The question was, did he feel the same?

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Later that evening I forced myself to reread the email from Trevor. It hurt just as much as it had the first time I’d read it. I tried to convince myself that he was only saying those things because of the hurtful words I’d sent him before.

I debated whether I should bother replying. What purpose would that serve? But after I’d admitted to myself how attracted I was to Marcus, I felt more urgency to be able to get on with my life. As long as I was married to Trevor, I was in a kind of limbo and I would never be able to fully give of myself to anyone.