Doing It (11 page)

‘You don’t mind.’

She shrugged, and he thought to himself it would be truer to say she didn’t care. It was awkward, standing by the bed. He kissed her again to stop her mouth in case she complained. Then he pulled the pink dress over her head and there she was, with her knickers hardly covering her bush and her little titties out. Dino said, ‘Oh, oh, oh.’

He pushed her gently to the bed, and she got in. He took his trousers off and got in after her. She asked him to turn the light off, but he took no notice. He peeled her knickers off and she lifted her legs to help him. And then … and then …

Dino began to lose it.

She was lying there, she felt all chilly under his hands as if she’d just come out of the fridge and he was trying to spread her on his bread. He kissed her again, hard, to try and stop his erection collapsing. Quickly, before it went altogether, he rolled on top of her and pushed her knees apart with his knees, giving himself a bit of a rub with one hand and holding himself up with the other. But by now the thing was almost hanging. He rubbed it between her legs and even gave an optimistic push, but it just bent. He kissed her again. He reached down and stroked her down there again, and began to nibble her breasts, but it did no good. He thought about getting cross with her because she just lay there like she didn’t care, but it was too embarrassing. He rubbed his pubis on hers, but as his fear of failure grew, so his knob got softer and softer and now at last it was nothing but a felty slug hanging off him.

And that was it. It was over. It had just melted away. It was terrifying how easy it was for it to just melt away. The girl lay under him looking up with a half smile on her face, and Dino had never felt so alone as he did then, in bed with a girl and no erection.

‘It’s … I must be tired or something, I dunno. It’s been ages.’ Desperate for an excuse, Dino blurted, ‘I’ve forgotten how, it’s been a while since.’ Then he stared at her in yet more horror. Had he really said that? Was she going to notice how ridiculous that was? The girl slipped sideways from under him and put her arms around him with her little white face pressed hard against his.

‘Don’t mind.’ She giggled. It was a very pretty giggle, even Dino had to appreciate that. ‘After all that,’ she said, because he’d been so big and hard making her sleep with him and now he was all soft and pathetic and …

‘Sweet,’ she said. Then, bless her, she tickled him under the ribs, so of course he tickled her back. They had a little struggle in which the covers came off her and Dino got hard again. Quick as he could, before it disappeared again, he kissed her, very hard, suddenly. She said, ‘Ouch!’ because he banged her lips.

‘Sorry, sorry,’ he muttered. She watched his face curiously this time as he rubbed his hands over her everywhere, like a pirate running his hands through treasure. And it might have worked – Dino was sure it could have, although he was scared of the moment of penetration. But the girl suddenly lifted her hands, took his head between them and said, ‘Don’t. Please don’t.’

‘Sorry,’ he said again.

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘This is nice enough, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah,’ said Dino miserably. She smiled.

‘Are you gonna stay here with me?’ she asked.

‘Oh, yeah,’ he said, thinking he might do it later on. The girl smiled again and cuddled up close to him. She looked really happy, lying there snuggled up with him. She put her face on his elbow and sighed.

‘I’ve never done this before,’ she said in muffled voice.

‘What?’

‘No, I mean, just cuddle up to someone all night, you know?’

‘Oh, yeah,’ said Dino.

‘Like there’s nothing to worry about. All cuddled up, here in your arms,’ she murmured. Dino lay there listening to his own heartbeat and to her breathing. Here in his arms. Nothing to worry about. It seemed to him such a curious thing to say, perfectly amazing, that she was so relaxed with him even though he’d almost … even though he’d been such an arse. He was flattered. She was safe in his arms. In about half a minute she was asleep. Dino thought, Poor little thing, she must be worn out. He stroked her hair. He felt bad now that he’d tried to blackmail her into staying with him. It was nice to let her have her wish and spend all night in his arms with nothing to worry about, and then he fell asleep as well.

He awoke in an eerie dawn light. He lay peacefully on his side for a moment wondering what had woken him up before he felt the warm body next to his and the memory hit him, and there he was, wide awake, wishing only that he was alone in his catastrophe. The girl lay sleeping peacefully up against his back, her breath on his shoulder. He didn’t dare move for fear of waking her. Her skin was warm and heavy, her face relaxed and so peaceful that Dino, in his electrified state, thought she looked like an angel. First a fairy, then an angel. She smelled like nothing he had ever smelled, like nothing on earth. She was just an inconvenience to his misery.

I have a failure rate of One Hundred per cent, thought Dino to himself, even though he knew he was being unfair. What was really scary about it was he had no control over it at all. You can wink your eye, you can stretch your toes, you can waggle your tongue. Some people can even waggle their ears. But not your knob. You can flex any muscle but that one. It has to do it for you.

Dino knew he’d never be at peace with himself until he had managed a successful shag. Who knows how long that could be? Jackie had run away. He’d sworn anyway to chuck her if she didn’t come up with the goods tonight, and she hadn’t in a big way. This girl lying so peacefully by his side had been his final destruction. He watched her little pointy face half out of the duvet and he thought, She must be a right little slut to come to bed with me just like that. Dino wasn’t all that familiar with sluts. The girls he hung around with were quite picky. There were some, particularly in the year below him, who let just about anyone feel them up but he doubted if even they’d go to a party and end up shagging someone they’d only known for five minutes just to get a place to sleep. What a slapper! He wondered if maybe it was her fault that he hadn’t got it up. Maybe he needed a decent girl to turn him on. If she didn’t care who stuck it up her, that was pretty off-putting.

But it was no good. Dino didn’t want to get it up just for decent girls. He wanted to do it with slappers, slags and sluts as well. So long as they were good looking, who cared? The more the merrier.

None of these abusive thoughts about the girl felt true inside him. For one thing she was so lovely in her sleep. She’d been so pleased to just cuddle up. She’d stroked him and comforted him even though he’d bullied her. How could you say that someone was a slut if they were kind to you and happy to be with you?

Even so … There she was, lying stark bollock naked in bed next to him. He couldn’t afford to let this night end without shagging her or he would suffer for weeks, months, maybe even years. He had to have her. He was thinking, all he had to do was wake her up and he could shag her. In fact, he probably didn’t even have to do that – she wouldn’t mind. She’d probably let him do anything to her he liked. And he bloody couldn’t do it!

The girl rolled over. She was flat on her back, with her head tipped to one side and her mouth open. Slag or not, she really was very pretty. Very softly and quietly, Dino lifted the duvet up so that he could see down her body. He looked at the shadows on her body, her small breasts, the deep shadows around her stomach in the dull light. He could make out the dark rings of her nipples.

Ever so, ever so softly, Dino reached out with one arm and fumbled at the small bedside lamp on his table. At last it clicked on. The girl just lay there. Now he could see a lot more. Her nipples were pretty and pink, and there was the furry place down below. He could see his own body too, and his limp traitorous penis lying just inches away from this naked pleasure house; not a twitch. He looked from himself to her, but nothing stirred. Carefully, very softly, very gently so as not to wake her, Dino began to stroke himself under the covers, glancing from his own hand to her body in an attempt to get himself going. At first there was nothing, but then he started thinking dirty and gradually it began to move. It was so tatty, Peeping Tom on a girl in bed with you – but, oh, yes, things were stirring! Dino speeded up his tempo, beat, beat, beat. The mattress moved slightly under him and her breasts moved gently with the rhythm; that was good. He thought, if he could get it nice and stiff he’d have another go, although in fact he was already nice and stiff. It was hard to stop though … just another little bit more …

‘Mmm?’

Oh, God, no.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Eh?’

‘What you doing?’

‘Ah … Do you wanna cup of tea?’ he said.

‘What’s the time?’ The girl – whose name he didn’t even know, he realised – sat up and pulled the covers up to her chin. She must think he was some sort of nutter, perving away at her like that. She was right.

Dino glanced at the clock. ‘Five o’cock,’ he replied, as his erection slipped into oblivion.

‘Eh?’

‘Do you wanna cup a tea?’ he begged again.

She pulled a thoughtful face. ‘I’m hungry,’ she said.

‘Cereal? Sandwich? I do a great egg sandwich.’

‘Yeah!’

‘What’ll you have?’

‘Both.’

I went downstairs and put the gas on. It was endless! First Jackie disappears just when she’s ready to open her legs, then there’s sick in the bed, then my willy doesn’t do it and now I’ve been caught wanking. From shagger to wanker to waiter in the space of about two hours. Being caught wanking is the worst thing that can happen to you. The only important thing now was to keep her away from my mates in case she told anyone.

It shows you what a state I was in, I was actually hoping she’d have done a runner by the time I got back. But there she was, sitting up in bed with her little pink party dress back on, waiting for me.

‘S’great. Great!’ she said when she saw the food. I put the tray on the bed in front of her and sat on the side of the bed feeling like her dad, and watched her eat it up. I was still trying to make my willy work. I was thinking, She’s not got any knickers on under there, and trying to remember what her body looked like. But it wasn’t working.

‘Still here, then?’ I asked her.

‘What?’

‘I thought you might be gone,’ I said, and she said,

‘Why?’

‘I was a bit of a …’ I was about to say tosser, but that might be giving the game away. I mean, maybe she hadn’t seen what I was doing.

‘Tosser?’ she said.

I blushed. I hate blushing. It’s my worst thing. ‘I don’t mean that,’ I said. ‘I mean, about last night. Making you stay like that. Making you sleep with me. I don’t normally behave like that. I’m sorry.’

She shrugged her skinny little shoulders. ‘I just wanted a bed for the night. Look, I just do anything, mate, I just do it. So don’t come on all moral at me. At least I don’t use other people. I just do what I want, right?’

‘You didn’t look all that happy when I told you you had to …’

‘Yeah, well, no one likes being ordered around. I just wanted a bed for the night,’ she said again, and she sank her teeth deep into her egg sandwich and dribbled ketchup on her chin.

There was a pause. ‘I’m Dino,’ I told her.

‘I know, I heard people call you that last night.’

‘And you?’ I asked.

‘Siobhan,’ she said. ‘Siobhan Carey.’ She finished the sandwich and started on the cornflakes. ‘Anyway, I know what you’re really sorry about. You’re sorry you couldn’t get it up.’

‘No!’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well, maybe,’ I confessed. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry about the other thing as well.’

‘Don’t worry about it. It’ll come back. Dragging its tail …’ she laughed.

I was blushing again. I felt so awful. She must have seen me blushing because she said, ‘No, don’t feel bad about it.’

All I could do was pull a face.

The girl looked curiously at me. ‘I liked you for that, you know. I did – I liked you better for not getting it up than I did when you told me I had to shag you or get out.’

‘I never said that!’

‘That’s what it meant, though, didn’t it?’

‘No,’ I said, but she was right.

The girl was thinking about it. ‘It made me feel safe,’ she said. And when she said that, this weird thing happened. Her eyes filled with tears. I never realised that … I don’t know what, I just never realised. I didn’t know what it meant. I reached out and touched her shoulder. I’d have liked to hug her, but I didn’t want her to think I was coming on.

‘I wouldn’t really have booted you out, you know,’ I told her.

‘You’d have gone on at me all night. Blokes do.’ She finished her cornflakes and dusted her palms together. ‘C’mere …’ She leaned over her tray and put her arms around me. It was nice. After a couple of seconds she broke off, put the tray on the floor, and moved over so I could sit closer to her. We put our arms round each other and she pressed tight – making herself feel safe, I thought.

We sat on the bed hugging awkwardly until she said she was getting cold, then we got back together under the covers. She stroked the back of my head. By that time, I was feeling pretty safe myself, if you know what I mean, and I was thinking, Ho ho!

I kissed her and she kissed me back. She’d got her knickers back on, so they came off and up went the little pink dress. I pulled my stuff off. It was great, both of us naked. I had a raging erection. I put my hand … well, work it out for yourself. It was gorgeous. I pushed her legs apart really wide and she let me. And then I got on her … and down it went again. I could just feel the blood draining away like something had been turned off.

‘Don’t worry, you’ll be able to do it in the morning, I expect,’ she said, and that ‘I expect’ – the bottom just fell out of the whole world. That was it. Once it’d learned to go down, it was staying down, I was certain of it. I had a lifetime of impotence ahead.

We were lying half in the bed and half out. In one way, I was slightly relieved. Is that really weird? See, it meant I didn’t have to try any more. I mean, it was such a bloody bother, it was just hard work really. You’re better off wanking. Now I didn’t have to bother. But I knew I wasn’t going to be feeling like that for long.