Doctors of Philosophy (11 page)

D
APHNE.
Both ways. Physically on the retreat. Mentally in the advance guard, preparing for a big offensive.

C
HARLIE B.
You put that very neat, Miss. Personally, I’m the other way about, physically like a tank regiment but me mind is on the run. I come to see the doctor about it.

L
EONORA.
You’ve met a suitable young lady, Charlie?

C
HARLIE B.
I’ve met three.

L
EONORA.
You will have to make up your mind between them.

C
HARLIE B.
I don’t fancy any of them. You know those reading lamps? I didn’t buy one. Couldn’t make up my mind.

L
EONORA.
You will have to let things drift.

CHARLIE
B. No, I’m one of those people that’s fated to do something because—

D
APHNE.
So am I, Charlie.

CHARLIE B.
You getting married soon, so Mrs. S. has intimated.

D
APHNE.
It’s questionable.

C
HARLIE B.
That’s how I feel about the widow.

LEONORA.
You didn’t mention a widow.

C
HARLIE B.
Four kids. She don’t feed them properly. She smokes all day and drinks all evening. Nothing much to look at, she’s let herself go. She cooks bad. The house is a proper mess.

LEONORA.
Well, she’s out of the question, isn’t she?

C
HARLIE B. NO.
She’s in the question.

D
APHNE. DO
you love her, Charlie?

C
HARLIE B.
Well, that’s questionable. But she loves me, that’s unquestionable.

L
EONORA.
That’s a very important point, Charlie. You can’t afford to overlook that.

C
HARLIE B.
You’re right. I can’t overlook it. We’ve had good times together when we’ve been together. Four kids, though.

D
APHNE. DO
you like children, Charlie?

C
HARLIE B.
Not so’s you’d notice it. I don’t mind them. But they like me, they’re very fond of me, those kids, I’ll say that for them. They look out for me coming. Won’t go to bed.

L
EONORA.
I would consider marrying the widow if I were you, Charlie. It’s essential to be loved if you like being loved.

D
APHNE.
He might find it a responsibility to be loved without being able to love back. He might be unhappy.

LEONORA.
Responsibility is not necessarily an unhappy thing.

D
APHNE.
It’s better when both are in love.

LEONORA.
Both partners are seldom in love to the same degree, or in the same manner. Sometimes, in a person who does not love easily, love arises from necessity.

D
APHNE.
I’m damned if I will be pushed into a marriage out of necessity, Leonora.

LEONORA.
We’re discussing Charlie’s case.

D
APHNE.
Yes, I know we are discussing Charlie’s case. I understand perfectly. There is no necessity in Charlie’s case.

L
EONORA.
It seems to me there must be, or he wouldn’t be considering marrying the widow in such a hurry.

CHARLIE B.
If I don’t marry her she’s going to marry someone else. Says she needs a husband. But she likes me best. I got to make up my mind.

D
APHNE.
He’d be better with an attractive young girl.

CHARLIE B.
They’re none of them so loving as the widow is, Miss.

L
EONORA.
Charlie is attached to the widow. He would regret losing her.

D
APHNE.
In their case there is probably no conflict of moral principle. Charlie, if you had to choose between your feelings and your principles in choosing a wife, which would you choose?

CHARLIE B.
I would choose the widow.

L
EONORA.
You’re a true philosopher, Charlie.

D
APHNE.
I don’t see that he’s answered my question. Charlie, what are your views about the Bomb?

CHARLIE B.
Oh, very bad. Shocking.

D
APHNE.
Would you marry a woman who was employed to help in Bomb experiments?

C
HARLIE B.
I couldn’t say about that. I would have to take a look at the lady in question before I could give you an honest answer to that.

D
APHNE.
Leonora, would you marry a man engaged in the type of nuclear research that I mean?

L
EONORA.
I would have to take a look at the man in question before I could give you an honest answer to that. But in your circumstances I would do so. On principle, if nothing else.

D
APHNE.
What do you mean, on principle? You know I’m violently against the Bomb, Leonora. I sometimes wonder if you’re human. Doesn’t anybody ever think of the unborn children?

L
EONORA.
I’m thinking of the unborn. One might wonder, Daphne, if you’re human.

C
HARLIE B.
Is the chap nice, Miss?

L
EONORA.
He loves her and she finds him attractive. Your case, Charlie, appears to be more complex. The widow loves you but you don’t find her particularly attractive.

C
HARLIE B.
Well, I wouldn’t say that. We’ve had some good times, doctor. Ta-ta.
(Goes out abruptly.)

D
APHNE.
Something upset him. Was it us?

L
EONORA.
No, only the fact that he wants to marry the widow and doesn’t want to want it.

D
APHNE.
What do you know about love and marriage anyway? Have you ever loved a man?

LEONORA.
Not really. I’ve only had foolish feelings. Sometimes I still have them.

D
APHNE.
Have you ever been loved?

LEONORA.
I am loved, if you really want to know.

D
APHNE.
Who by?

L
EONORA.
Plainly, a very foolish man.

D
APHNE.
Would you give up your principles for him? You wouldn’t, would you? I know how strongly you feel, for instance, about celibacy in the dedicated scholar. Would you give that up?

L
EONORA.
I might feel obliged to do so on principle. If one has committed a folly in the dark, Daphne, one sometimes has to redeem it by another folly in broad daylight.

Enter
MRS. S
.

M
RS.
S. Overseas telegram for Leonora. That’s about the job, I daresay. Go on, open it.

Fade.

Lights up on
CATHERINE
alone, exhausted. She flops on sofa, pours tea.

Enter
ANNIE
in red velvet evening dress.

CATHERINE.
You can’t wear that tonight. And why are you dressed so early? It’s only five.

A
NNIE.
I thought this would be a suitable dress to be asked to change out of.

CATHERINE.
Annie, I love you being here. You make me feel like an intellectual. Pour some tea. I’m tired. Do you think Mrs. Weston will try to talk to me as woman to woman?

A
NNIE.
I see no alternative basis of approach.

CATHERINE.
If she gets on my nerves I shall discuss Assyrian Palaeography with Leonora. Would that be insufferable?

ANNIE.
Yes, it would be most suitably insufferable, in my opinion, Catherine, for an academic household.

CATHERINE.
I wish Charlie were a professor, it would sound good.

ANNIE.
Do you think I might pass for a Ph.D. if I wore something discreet?

CATHERINE.
Perhaps you might leave the word ‘thrilling’ out of your vocabulary. Scholars are never thrilled, at the most they are excited.

A
NNIE.
Leonora is thrilled. She got a wire confirming her appointment at Columbia.

CATHERINE.
I shall miss her terribly. I wish I were not such a neurotic.

A
NNIE.
Well, as young Charlie said at lunch today, ‘An intelligent woman’s neurosis is more valuable than a stupid woman’s complacency, and more attractive.’

CATHERINE.
He didn’t!

A
NNIE.
He did. I wouldn’t have believed he could say such a long sentence.

CATHERINE.
Who was he referring to?

A
NNIE.
You. He thinks you’re attractive.

CATHERINE.
I wouldn’t have thought he had it in him.

A
NNIE.
He’s very upset about Daphne. She told him she would think over his proposal of marriage. Of course, that’s the right move — in her circumstances, the only move.

CATHERINE.
Poor young Charlie. Daphne’s my daughter, but I must admit between ourselves, Annie, that if I were a man I would find her a bit dull.

A
NNIE.
He must have found a brighter side. I was afraid he might be rather tiresome himself, but actually, when one brings him out of his shell, he’s almost thrilling and very amusing. I said to him, ‘You really are very witty, Charlie, why don’t you say things oftener?’ He said, ‘People who seldom say anything at all frequently gain a reputation for wit.’ I said, ‘Have you a reputation for wit among your colleagues?’ He said, ‘I think so.’ I said, ‘Go on!’ He said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘Are you ever quoted?’ He said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Are you ever misquoted?’ He said, ‘No, mine is a very budding reputation, I’m afraid.’ I said, ‘I think you’re terrific.’ He said, ‘What?’ I said, ‘I think you’re absolutely brilliant. I think you’ve got a great future ahead of you, Charlie. I suppose you think I’m a very silly woman.’ He said, ‘No. Most intelligent.’

Enter
YOUNG CHARLIE
through windows.

A
NNIE.
I was just speaking of you, Charlie. (
To
CATHERINE)
… most intelligent.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Am I most intelligent?

A
NNIE.
You know you are, Charlie. There is no need for agitation on that account. Sit down and recover, if that’s what you’re upset about.

CATHERINE.
I think she went out. It’s Daphne you want, isn’t it?

A
NNIE.
She went out. Can I get you some fresh tea?

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
She telephoned half an hour ago. She’s decided not to marry me. On principle.

A
NNIE.
You will have to change your occupation that’s all.

CATHERINE.
He can’t be expected to give up his career, Annie.

A
NNIE.
Daphne would have to give up hers.

CATHERINE.
She had not started a career.

A
NNIE.
Young Charlie is so brilliant, he could do something different from what he’s doing.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
She doesn’t know what I’m doing.

CATHERINE.
She has a theory, unfortunately.

A
NNIE.
Charlie, you must put her mind at rest and blow all her theories to hell.

CATHERINE.
That’s one of the things she’s afraid he is going to do.

A
NNIE.
We shall work it all out when we see your parents tonight, Charlie. Have you told them that Daphne has refused to marry you?

CHARLIE.
No.

A
NNIE.
Good. Then we can spring it on them, and take the wind out of their sails. That will be our first move. The naturally hostile spirit between in-laws can then be exploited in a friendly atmosphere. It’s only right that Daphne should be unobtainable.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
That’s a nice dress.

CATHERINE.
Annie’s going to change into something less formal. We want to give the right impression of the family as a whole, and so Annie has kindly agreed to give the wrong impression of herself.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
You look nice, Annie.

A
NNIE.
Charlie, when you do decide to speak, it sounds terrifically eloquent.
(Exit.)

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Annie looks nice.

CATHERINE.
Nicer than Daphne?

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Daphne’s different.

D
APHNE
appears at the French windows with the tape recorder. She silently places it on a table, switches it on, and withdraws unobserved by
CATHERINE
and
YOUNG CHARLIE.

CATHERINE.
Annie is attractive.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
I like the red dress.

CATHERINE.
You have simple tastes, Charlie. Men whose work has to do with abstractions have simple tastes, don’t you think?

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
I won’t discuss my work.

CATHERINE.
I don’t see that there will be anything at all to discuss if Daphne refuses to marry you.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
She will have to marry me for the sake of the child.

CATHERINE.
That’s a grim view of things, I must say.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
It’s grim that she doesn’t love me enough to marry me. She didn’t mind going to bed with a nuclear-physicist.

CATHERINE.
Daphne is a very complicated girl for a man who has simple tastes in women.

Y
OUNG CHARLIE.
Complicated women attract men of simple tastes.

CATHERINE. DO
they now? Would you say Leonora was an attractive woman? I mean, like Annie?