Doctor On The Boil (15 page)

‘I see.’

They stood looking at each other.

‘Now his wife’s divorced him at last, I want to marry him, Lancelot.’

‘Forgive me for putting it this way, Tottie, but to become a sort of psychiatric nurse-cum-wardress? It doesn’t sound a great deal of fun.’

‘No, Eric’s changing. I think he only chases girls to prove his virility. Surely
I
could do that for him.’

‘I’m quite certain you could.’

‘And I love him. I always did. All the time, even when I was back at St Swithin’s trying to forget everything.’

‘It would be excessively churlish of me to stand in your way.’

‘Lancelot, you’re wonderful.’

‘Oh, come. An ordinary sort, really. But I do have my principles.’

‘How can I possibly repay you?’

‘Perhaps you have already?’ He smiled. ‘That was a delightful week in Le Touquet.’

She smiled too. ‘We had fun, didn’t we? Even dancing! That tune you made them play – what was it? From the musical,
Guys and Dolls
– I remember, “I’ve Never Been In Love Before”.’

‘A sentimental air.’

‘Lancelot – whatever happens…whatever you may think of me…please believe me when I thank you for…perhaps the most charming and most thrilling week of my whole life.’

‘I am touched.’

‘Now perhaps I’d better simply disappear. Eric has his car waiting. Neither you nor anyone in the hospital will ever set eyes on me again.’

Sir Lancelot bent over to kiss her. Then she turned and hurried out of the house.

He returned to the dining-room. ‘More champagne. Come on, George, jump to it. You’re not opening bottles like a St Swithin’s student at all.’

‘What is it, Lancelot?’ asked Josephine. ‘Some wonderful piece of news?’

‘Yes. The wedding’s off.’

‘Lancelot,’ cried the dean, who had not seemed to hear. ‘I’ve had time to collect my thoughts. I must talk to you. Come into my study at once.’

‘My dear Dean, I cannot run some sort of shuttle service.’

‘I implore you.’

‘Oh, very well.’ The surgeon reopened the door. ‘What are you doing, dressed up like that?’ he demanded of a figure in a
dhoti
in the hall.

‘But I’m Godfri. I’m taking the wedding photographs. The bride commissioned me.’

‘They’re all grouped in the room,’ Sir Lancelot told him. ‘Just go in with that little camera of yours and start shooting.’

‘Lancelot–’ The dean shut the study door behind him. ‘Bingham told me you know Lady Blaydon personally.’

‘I’m acquainted with her, yes. I do wish you’d stop waving that sausage roll at me.’

‘Oh. Yes.’ The dean stared in surprise, and threw it into the wastepaper basket. ‘Can’t you see her? As an intermediary? Use whatever influence you have? Ask her to withdraw the charge against this terrible man Muriel was mixed with? I’m sure she’d do that, anyway. But about the money she promised the hospital from the Blaydon Trust–’

‘You haven’t a chance in hell of that. She hates being made a fool of.’

‘You’re my only hope, Lancelot. The hospital’s only hope–’

‘You’re not all that broke. Bingham’s still got my fifty thousand.’

‘A mere drop in the ocean compared with the Blaydon bequest–’ The dean snatched a cheque book from the desk and scribbled. ‘There! It’s on the St Swithin’s account. Every penny returned to you.’

Sir Lancelot thoughtfully folded the slip of paper and tucked it in his pocket. ‘I don’t see why I should let that influence me, as it’s mine anyway.’

‘Lancelot, in the name of our lifelong friendship in our mutual profession–’

‘From which you cheerfully threatened to get me kicked out.’

‘Lionel, go outside at once.’ Josephine appeared in the study. ‘Go on. I want to speak to Lancelot alone.’

Looking miserably from one to the other, the dean obeyed.

‘Lancelot.’ She calmed herself. ‘I must tell you a secret. Lionel is up for a knighthood.’

‘Knew that before he did, m’dear. The Minister fishes my salmon water in Wales. I put in a good word for him, as it happened.’

‘Oh, Lancelot! How kind-hearted you are underneath.’

He stroked his beard. ‘I have my softer moments.’

‘But this morning his chances of honours have been shattered.’

‘Well, they haven’t been improved much, I agree. Getting someone to nick the silver from the hospital’s prize benefactress.’

‘But Lionel said you actually knew Lady Blaydon. Couldn’t you see her? I implore you, from the bottom of my heart.’

‘Very well,’ Sir Lancelot decided. ‘As it’s you who asks, m’dear.’

‘Oh, Lancelot! You are a sweet man!’

He patted her cheek. ‘And if all the women in the world wore as well as you, Josephine, no one would give a glance at those skinny little chits in short skirts and dirty feet. I’ll slip out. Ring her flat to say I’m coming. Tell your husband to keep those policemen entertained with light conversation until I get back.’

‘But Lancelot, of course it was all a stupid mistake. What a silly billy I was! I should never have rung the police in the first place. Though I was terribly, terribly fond of that dear little sugar caster. And you know how much burglary there is in London these days,
honestly
, they break in and they take everything, absolutely
everything
, they’d strip the paper off the walls if only they had the time.’

Lady Blaydon, a long-legged redhead, leant back on the sofa in her flat with a gin-and-tonic and lit another cigarette.

‘My dear little Puddy Tat–’

She smiled fondly. ‘No one’s called me that for years. My husband never did, not once in his life.’

‘I hope this incident will make no difference to your generosity over the new block of St Swithin’s? It is a scheme dear to the heart of all of us, you know. Particularly to myself.’

‘Of course not! St Swithin’s is very, very dear to
my
heart.’

Sir Lancelot chuckled. ‘It was the second week in May, 1953, if I recall? In Coronation year.’

‘Yes! Le Touquet was
so
delightful. We had such
fun
in those days, didn’t we? We even danced! I’ll always remember the tune, it was out of that musical
Guys and Dolls
– “I’ve Never Been In Love Before”.’

‘I also recall that your husband was not quite so compliant as you led me to expect, Puddy Tat.’

She made a little gesture. ‘Oh, he’d had a bad week at the races. He’d already lost interest in me. Though on the whole, our marriage was successful – he got the money and I got the title.’

‘And you never married again.’

‘I’ve never had time, darling, between boy friends.’ An idea struck her. ‘Would you like to see that lovely scar you made?’

Sir Lancelot rose. ‘I must go.’

‘So soon?’

‘I have several people to put out of their misery. Then I must set off for my house in Wales, if I want to fish the evening rise.’

‘But why don’t you stay in London? It’s so exciting these days.’

‘Too exciting for an old man like me.’

‘Old? Of course not, darling. You’re exactly the man you were.’

‘You tempt me very much, dear Puddy Tat, to try to demonstrate the fact.’ He leant over and kissed her. ‘These meetings can take terrible toll of the emotions. I fancy mine need a nice long spell of quiet recuperation in the country. Perhaps for several years.’

It was early that afternoon when Sir Lancelot left. The dean stayed away from the hospital specially to see him off. He stood with Josephine at the door of his house, while Miss MacNish helped load cases into the Rolls. As Sir Lancelot climbed into the driving-seat, the surgeon noticed she was weeping.

‘I found this the other day – at the bottom of my trunk.’ The housekeeper pressed into his hand a small blue-and-white china ashtray. He saw it was inscribed,
Un Cadeau du Touquet
.

‘I haven’t forgotten,’ she smiled through the tears. ‘That third week in May, in 1953. Coronation year. The first time I’d gone abroad in my life! What was that tune they played? I still hear it sometimes on the radio. “I’ve Never Been in Love Before” – out of one of those musical shows,
Guys and Dolls
. And to imagine! I was a young lassie just down from Aberdeen, opening the door and answering the telephone at your consulting-rooms in Harley Street.’

Sir Lancelot patted her cheek. ‘I, too, shall never forget that spring in Le Touquet. And believe me, my dear, you honestly haven’t changed a bit.’

He waved. They all shouted good-bye. He touched the accelerator. He drove off westward. At the first traffic-lights he sat deep in thought. ‘Damn good receptionist that girl was, too,’ he reflected.

As the dean shut the front door he declared to his wife, ‘How I’ve misjudged that man all my life.’

‘So many people have, dear.’

‘Of course, he’s got a crusty exterior. But underneath his heart is gold, pure gold.’

They went into the study.

‘Still, I was a little surprised, I must say,’ the dean continued. ‘I am naturally a keen student of human nature – all doctors are – and after all I inflicted on him it would have needed the disinterestedness of a well-established saint so generously to save my bacon. And my knighthood.’

‘Lionel–’ She bit her lip. ‘He did it because of me.’

‘He’s always been very fond of you, of course.’

‘Lionel – there’s something I must tell you.’ The dean stared at her. ‘Do you remember, in the summer of 1953, when I said I couldn’t stand the crowds in London for the Coronation? I left the children with you and nanny, to stay in the country with my sister for a fortnight. Well, I didn’t stay with her. Not for a fortnight, anyway. For one of the weeks – it was the fourth week in May – I went away with Lancelot. To Le Touquet. I remember it vividly every time I hear that tune “I’ve Never Been In Love Before”, from
Guys and Dolls
.’

‘Good God! You mean to say that you – ?’

‘I’m afraid so, Lionel.’

‘You were…?’

‘I’m very much afraid so, Lionel.’

‘By
Lancelot
?’

‘I’m afraid that I
was
, Lionel.’

The dean shook his head slowly. ‘I’d better gum up those pages in the disciplinary committee minute-book again.’

(in order of first publication)

These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels

(in order of first publication)

(in order of first publication)

Published by House of Stratus

The Captain’s Table When William Ebbs is taken from a creaking cargo boat and made Captain of a luxury liner, he quickly discovers that the sea holds many perils…probably the most perilous being the first night dinner, closely followed by the dangers of finding a woman in his room. Then there is the embarrassing presence of the shipping company’s largest shareholder, a passenger over board and blackmail. The Captain’s Table is a tale of nautical misadventure and mayhem packed with rib-tickling humour. ‘An original humorist with a sly wit and a quick eye for the ridiculous’ – Queen

Doctor and Son Recovering from the realisation that his honeymoon was not quite as he had anticipated, Simon Sparrow can at least look forward to a life of tranquillity and order as a respectable homeowner with a new wife. But that was before his old friend Dr Grimsdyke took to using their home as a place of refuge from his various misdemeanours…and especially from the incident with the actress which demanded immediate asylum. Surely one such houseguest was enough without the appearance of Simon’s godfather, the eminent Sir Lancelot Spratt. Chaos and mayhem in the Sparrow household can mean only one thing – more comic tales from Richard Gordon’s hilarious doctor series. ‘Further unflaggingly funny addition to Simon Sparrow’s medical saga’ – Daily Telegraph

Doctor at Large Dr Richard Gordon’s first job after qualifying takes him to St Swithan’s where he is enrolled as Junior Casualty House Surgeon. However, some rather unfortunate incidents with Mr Justice Hopwood, as well as one of his patients inexplicably coughing up nuts and bolts, mean that promotion passes him by – and goes instead to Bingham, his odious rival. After a series of disastrous interviews, Gordon cuts his losses and visits a medical employment agency. To his disappointment, all the best jobs have already been snapped up, but he could always turn to general practice…

Doctor at Sea Richard Gordon’s life was moving rapidly towards middle-aged lethargy – or so he felt. Employed as an assistant in general practice – the medical equivalent of a poor curate – and having been ‘persuaded’ that marriage is as much an obligation for a young doctor as celibacy for a priest, Richard sees the rest of his life stretching before him. Losing his nerve, and desperately in need of an antidote, he instead signs on with the Fathom Steamboat Company. What follows is a hilarious tale of nautical diseases and assorted misadventures at sea. Yet he also becomes embroiled in a mystery – what is in the Captain’s stomach remedy? And more to the point, what on earth happened to the previous doctor? ‘Sheer unadulterated fun’ – Star

Doctor in Clover Now Dr Grimsdyke is qualified he finds practising medicine rather less congenial than he anticipated. But the ever-selfless Grimsdyke resolves to put the desires of others (and in particular his rather career-minded cousin) before his own, and settle down and make the best of it. Finding the right job, however, is not always that easy. Porterhampton is suddenly rife with difficulties – as is being a waiter, as is being a writer. And writing obituaries is just plain depressing. Doctor in Clover finds the hapless Grimsdyke in a hilarious romp through misadventures, mishaps and total disasters.

Doctor in Love In this hilarious romantic comedy, Richard Gordon awakes one morning with a headache. It takes him a while to realise he is ill – after all he is a doctor! Dr Pennyworth diagnoses jaundice and prescribes a spell in hospital. But amongst the bedpans and injections on Honesty ward, Richard falls in love – with his very own Florence Nightingale. However he soon learns that he has a rival for her affections, and unwilling to lose his love to the pachyderm Dr Hinyman, Richard sets out to impress… More medical mayhem from the hilarious Richard Gordon.

Doctor in the House Richard Gordon’s acceptance into St Swithan’s medical school came as no surprise to anyone, least of all him – after all, he had been to public school, played first XV rugby, and his father was, let’s face it, ‘a St Swithan’s man’. Surely he was set for life. It was rather a shock then to discover that, once there, he would actually have to work, and quite hard. Fortunately for Richard Gordon, life proved not to be all dissection and textbooks after all… This hilarious hospital comedy is perfect reading for anyone who’s ever wondered exactly what medical students get up to in their training. Just don’t read it on your way to the doctor’s! ‘Uproarious, extremely iconoclastic’ – Evening News ‘A delightful book’ – Sunday Times

Doctor in the Nest Sir Lancelot Sprat, surgeon and patriot, is finding that his faith in the British National Health Service is taking a bit of a battering – especially when the ceiling of his operating theatre collapses. It had already been a bad day…a call from Nairobi, a disagreement with Miss MacNish over the breakfast haddock, and a visit from Sir Lionel… Sir Lancelot’s single-handed battle to save St Sepulchre’s Hospital from closure creates a hilarious tale, complicated by two ex-students and three ladies only too willing to satisfy a widower’s sexual desires.

Doctor in the Nude Mrs Samantha Dougal is against it. Nudity that is. In a Soho strip-club, the Dean of St Swithan’s Hospital feigns indifference. Mrs Dougal’s husband, however, is totally in favour – and has just moved in with the Dean, who just happens to be his brother-in-law. The jokes positively spill from this elegantly written and languorously witty tale that includes Sir Lancelot, the Queen, a totally impractical new building, and the voluptuous young daughter of the trendy hospital chaplain. ‘The jokes spill forth fresh and funny… Not a book to read on a train: it’s impossible to keep a straight face’ – Sunday Telegraph