Diva Rules

 

 

Hollywood High series (with Ni-Ni Simone
)
Hollywood High
Get Ready for War
Put Your Diamonds Up
Lights, Love & Lip Gloss

 

 

 

Published by Kensington Publishing Corp.

McPherson
High

KENSINGTON PUBLISHING CORP.
www.kensingtonbooks.com

All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.

Table of Contents

Diva Rule #1: Keep it flossy-glossy. Always step out camera ready.

Diva Rule #2: Keep it cute. Never, ever, fight over a boy. No matter how much you like him.

Diva Rule #3: Serve 'em grace 'n' face. Politeness with a smile goes a long way.
Please and thank you
seals the deal in every situation.

Diva Rule #4: Read 'em for filth.
Snap, snap!
Never, ever, look for trouble. But if trouble comes strutting your way, give 'em a tongue-lashing before a beat-down.

Diva Rule #5: Keep a BWB—Boo With Benefits—on speed dial. Every diva should always have a rotation of cuties at her beck 'n' call.

Diva Rule #6: Love 'em 'n' leave 'em. Never, ever, get too attached to a boy. All that letting a boy be your life is a no-no. Getting cuckoo-nutty over a boy is for the ratchet! A diva has no time for that.

Diva Rule #7: Never kiss 'n' tell. Always keep 'em guessing.

Diva Rule #8: Say hi to your haters. Let 'em hate. Someone's gotta do it.

Diva Rule #9: Never let another chick steal your shine. You are your only competition.

Diva Rule #10: When in doubt, always refer back to rules number one through nine.

Hey, hey now! It's diva roll call . . . Are you present?

Scrrrrreeeech! Hold up. That is
not
what
this
diva is about. No,
hunni
! Being a diva is all about attitude, boo. It's about bein' fierce. Fabulous. And always fly. It's about servin' it up 'n' keepin' the haters on their toes. And the rules are simple.

So, let's try this again.

Fiona's my name. Turning boys out is my game. Fashion's my life. Being fabulous is my mission. And staying fly is a must. Oh, and trust. I serve it up lovely. Period, point blank. At five seven, a buck twenty-five with my creamy, smooth complexion, blond rings of shoulder-length curls, and mesmerizing green eyes, I'm that chick all the cutie-boos stay tryna see about. I'm that chick with the small waist and big, bouncy booty that all the boys love to see me shake, bounce, 'n' clap. I'm that hot chick that the tricks 'n' hoes at my school—McPherson High—love to hate; yet hate that they can't ever be me.

Like I always tell 'em, “Don't be mad, boo. I know I give you life. Thank me for giving you something to live for.”

Conceited?

No, hun. Never that.

Confident?

Yes, sweetie. Always that.

No, boo. I don't
think
I'm the hottest thing since Beyoncé's “Drunk in Love” video. I'm convinced I am. Big difference.
Snap, snap!
Don't get it twisted.

Now who's ready for roll call?

Always fly, check...

Always fabulous, check...

Always workin' the room, check...

Always snappin' necks, check, check...

Always poppin' the hips 'n' turnin' it up, check, check...

Wait. Wait. Wait. Let's rewind this segment
alllll
the way back for a sec. Yes, I keeps it cute, all day, every day, okay? And, yes, I know how to turn it up when I need to. I'm from the hood, boo. Born 'n' bred. But that doesn't mean I have to
be
hood. No, honey-boo. I'm too classy for that. Trust. But know this. If I have to let the hood out on you 'n' introduce you to the other side of me, it ain't gonna be cute. So don't bring it 'n' I won't have to sling it.

If you wanna check my credentials, just ask the last chick I had to beat
down.
She'll gladly show you the stamp I left on her forehead,
okay
?

Soooo. Moving on. As I was saying, I'm from the hood. Lived on the same block, in the same house, all my life. I know these streets like I know the back of my hands 'n' the curve of my hips. They can be mean 'n' dangerous 'n' ohhh, so exciting. And, yeah, the streets might be praising me, but they ain't raising me. So I'm not about to serve you some effed up tale about a chick being lost in the streets, eaten 'n' beaten alive. No, no. I'm a hood goddess, boo. That chick the wannabes bow down to, 'n' the lil thug-daddies worship. But, trust. This ain't no hood love story. So be clear.

No, hun. I wasn't born with a silver spoon hanging from my pouty mouth, but that doesn't mean I can't dream. That doesn't mean I can't want more than what I already have. And, yeah, a chick dreams about getting outta the hood. Traveling the world. Bagging a fine cutie-boo, or two, or three, who I can call my own. And being filthy rich. One day I will be. Trust. But for now, that doesn't mean I can't wear the illusion like a second skin. And, trust. I wear it well, boo.

So if you're hoping for some sob story about some broke-down, busted, lil fast-azz, boy-crazy ho tryna claw her way outta the hood, trickin' the block huggers up offa their paper for a come-up—sorry, boo-boo. Not gonna happen. If you're looking to hear about a chick going hungry or sleeping on some pissy-stained mattress, or having her hot pocket stuffed in some dirty panties going to school smelling like a sewer, then go find you another seat, boo, because you're sitting in the wrong arena. That stage play is being run somewhere else. If you're looking to hear about some fresh-mouthed chick who got beat with fists 'n' locked in closets, that's not gonna be featured here, either. Sorry, hun. I can't tell you a thing about that. Well, I could. But that's not my story. So I'll save that for some other hood chick.

So who am I?

I'm that hot chick, boo.

I'm a diva.

I'm a boss
bish
. . . and
whaaaat
?!

N
ow, I'm not saying I'm a gold digger, but I'm not ever messing with a broke ninja,
okay
? And neither should you. I mean, c'mon. If his sneaker game isn't up, then what makes him
think
I'ma let him get up in heaven, huh?
Pop, pop!
Shots fired! Man down! He'll get his lil feelings hurt first. Trust. It's not gonna happen. Now. Hold up, boo. That's not saying we can't be friends. There just won't be any benefits along with said friendship. Well, okay, okay . . . aside from the benefit of being in my company. But the stairway to heaven is—and will forever be—off limits.

Amen.

Hallelujah!

Oh,
heaven
. . . ? Yeah, that's what the boys call this wet-wet. It's where warm bliss and sweet waterfalls meet. Ooh, yes. Trust. And after we tear the sheets up, they all end up looking dazed and saying how they feel like they've died 'n' gone to heaven.

And most times they have.

Trust, honey-boo. If I don't know anything else, this sexy kitten knows how to make a boy forget his name. Curl his toes. And make his eyes roll up in the back of his head. Trust. And there you have it. But I ain't tryna read you my diary, so . . .

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Here I am, minding my own business, strolling down the Ave., keeping it sexy 'n' cute as a diva always should, when I approach two guys a few feet ahead of me posted up in front of Miss Moosie's candy spot—this lil corner store that sells all of your snack needs up front 'n' all your get-right (molly, weed, X, coke, you name it, she got it) in the back part of the store. Miss Moosie—oh, everybody calls her that 'cause she kinda gotta face like a moose, but I ain't one to talk messy about somebody else's moms so I'ma leave it at that. Anyway, Miss Moosie thinks nobody knows what kinda dirty operation she's got going on. But I ain't stupid. I'm young. Not dumb. Trust.

Besides, her three sons hustle 'n' been in 'n' outta jail since they were like eleven, twelve, for drugs 'n' whatnot. And her house 'n' store have been raided mad times. So who she think she fooling? Surely not
moi.

Anyway . . . back to these two nondescript man-tramps up ahead. Of course, I size 'em both up real quick, way before I get up on 'em. The short round one, who looks like he has a water bed for a stomach, is kinda cute in the face 'n' he has nice eyes. They're kinda slanted. And he has nice thick lips. Ooh, 'n' you already know where my mind goes seeing them lips. Yes,
hunni.
Straight to south of the border, boo. Mmph. I have to snatch my thoughts out of the gutter.

I blink. Reel my senses in real quick. Then frown. Them C-cup boy-boobs are just not it for me. Sorry, I like my cutie-boos in wifebeaters, not in need of training bras. Thick lips or not. Moving on.

Now the tall, lanky one standing beside him . . . well, he looks kinda fine. But it's hard to tell 'cause he's wearing a black Brooklyn Nets fitted waaay down over his eyes, like he's tryna be all sneaky 'n' whatnot. But I can see he's in need of a shape-up 'n' is looking a tad bit too scruffy for my liking. And at first glance his Timbs are dated. But don't get me wrong. From what I can tell, he does have potential if you're into fixer-uppers. Me personally, I'm not taking on charity work 'n' I'm not looking for a project. No, ma'am. I need my cutie-boos fresh, fly, 'n' already put together.

What I look like, tryna clean you up? Chile, boom! Not over here.

But that doesn't mean I have to be messy, either.

Soooo, as I pass by, the Pillsbury Doughboy says, “Yo, what's good, shorty? Where you off to wit' ya fine self?”

I force a smile 'n' slow my stroll. “Have we met?” I say, peering at him over the rim of my new Prada shades, compliments of my sister Leona, who—along with my other three older sisters—gives me all of her last season's hand-me-downs. How else you think I stay so fabulous? Honey-boo, they give me life,
okay
?! Trust. “Umm, do I know you?”

“Nah, shorty,” he says, licking his thick lips like he's ready to chomp his teeth into my hot pocket. “We both tryna holla, though, if you wit' it. You got a name?”

Yeah. I got a name. First name: No Thank You. Last name: Go Away.

Always answer a question with a question.
“You driving?”

“Nah, not at da moment, nah'mean?”

Yeah, I do, boo-boo. Translation:
I got my L's snatched for DWD—driving while drunk.
Or,
I don't have my L's 'cause I'm too dumb to pass the test
. Or,
nah . . . I'm good on foot, baby.

But I'm not! “Where you work?”

“Here 'n' there, feel me? It's hard out here for a brotha, nah'mean?”

Translation:
I'm unemployed. I ain't beat for work. And I ain't looking for work 'cause I have everything I need right out here on this block.

“Y'all in school?”

“Nah. We chillin', feel me?”

Translation:
I'm a dropout! An idiot! I don't need an education! I sit around 'n' smoke weed 'n' play video games all day. The streets are all I need to get by!

I shake my head. “Y'all can holla at me when you find a j-o-b or enroll in a school.”

“Awww, damn, baby... it's like dat?”

“All day, boo,” I say, thrusting my pelvis 'n' tossing an extra shake in my hips as I hit 'em with the peace sign.

“Damn, I'd crack dat back,” I hear one of 'em say.

“Yeah, I need dat, baby.”

“No, boo-boo,” I say over my shoulder, catching them both staring at my phatty 'n' holding their crotches. “What you need to do is get yo' life.”

High school dropouts?

Unemployed?

Hugging the block?

Please. What I look like?

You wanna get at me, then your wears better be up 'n' you had better be able to feed 'n' finance me, boo. Or there is no romance. Not that I need a boy to do anything for me, 'cause a diva is
never
looking for a handout. Trust. Besides, I have sisters who stay keeping me flossy-glossy. And I get a portion of my social security check to do whatever I want, while the rest gets banked. So I don't need a boy's change. I have my own coins. Trust.

Still . . . an unemployed, uneducated, unmotivated clown can't do nothing but bring me down. And Fiona isn't having that. So they can . . .
poof-poof
. . . miss me with all that.

Anyway, most boys don't know the first thing about bearing gifts. But they sure know a heck of a lot about givin' out false hopes. No, thank you, boo. Been there, done that. Trust. There's nothing worse than a boy with a pocketful of lint 'n' a mouthful of bullshit. Chile,
boom
!

Let me get home so I can get ready for my date tonight.