Diva Diaries (47 page)

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Authors: Janine A. Morris

BOOK: Diva Diaries
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113
All Hers
T
ony had called Dakota three times since this morning, and she'd ignored all three of his calls. “What is there to talk about? Go talk to Jonelle,” she murmured to herself when she saw he was trying to call her. There was no need for them to pretend now, or to continue what they were doing before.
She loved Tony—she even missed Tony—but she loved and missed herself more. She'd spent so much time trying to keep him that she'd lost herself. The way she wanted him to love her was too much for him, but yet she'd settled for it and actually pretended like she was satisfied. She knew there had been a point in her life when she was cool with that type of open relationship with no strings attached. Good sex and no drama, no commitment or temptations. Even with a clear understanding of that logic, she'd outgrown it and was unable to admit it. She wanted more and was able now to request it. It was a bed she'd made, and she'd been forced to lie in it. Tony knew, she had started to want more. He knew she had come to a place where just the good old times wasn't enough, but he didn't try to change. He would have continued like this forever, hurting her and Jonelle. Well, she could have him. Dakota didn't want that pain anymore, and she didn't want the drama. Besides, now that she'd lost their baby, Jonelle had something with him that she didn't have, and she'd be damned if she'd try to get pregnant again to war with her. The next time she got pregnant, she hoped it would be on purpose and with a man she didn't have to talk into wanting to keep it.
“ '
Kota, I hope you're feeling OK. I really want to come see you. Maybe we can go out to dinner or something or to that bar you love on Thirty-ninth and Lexington. I just want to try to see you. I really miss you. Please call me back this time
.”
That was the second-to-last message on her voice mail.
“ 'Kota, I have been calling you for a couple days now, and you haven't been returning my calls. I'm not sure what the problem is, but this is crazy. Just a few months ago we were having a baby together, and now this week I can't even get ahold of you. Did I do something to you? Please call me back so we can talk.”
She saved the messages and hung up. The reality was, he hadn't done a thing to her, but that was the problem. It was always what he didn't do, not what he did.
She wanted to call him back, but she didn't know how to explain to him yet how she was feeling. She just woke up one day and realized that he would never be able to give her what she wanted and he didn't want to. Besides, after speaking to Jonelle a month ago, she really realized that he was playing them both, but at least Jonelle had enough self-respect to have a problem with it. Here Dakota was, knowingly going along with his bullshit, and looking like an idiot.
She had spent the last few months pretending, and now she was finally ready to get real again. Tony was a fraudulent part of her life. She liked the way he made her look—he made her life look so cool. A rich, handsome, well-known man, and he was all hers; what girl doesn't like how that looks? The problem was he was far from all hers. She had all the other hallmarks of an independent woman—good job, nice car, and comfortable home. The only thing she lacked was her man, so he'd been her way of having it all. She was able to show off and let everyone admire her life. They couldn't see the times she lay in her bed waiting on him, or crying herself to sleep because she knew that he was out with some other girl. All they needed to know was that this was the man in her perfect life.
She didn't know how to explain all of this to Tony. He would just tell her that she was overreacting, and maybe the miscarriage was still getting to her. He always tried to make her think she was the problem. The thing is, she knew that he knew he was playing her—he just wanted her to remain a cooperative player. She didn't know why, though—he could have had any girl he wanted, so why didn't he just leave her the hell alone when he realized she wanted more than he did. The sex was damn good, but still. He couldn't just hope things would be like this forever.
She wondered what he was doing with Jonelle. She knew deep in her heart that she was sitting pretty in one of his plush homes, being treated like a queen. Especially after all the things she'd told Jonelle on the phone. He probably bought her all types of expensive jewelry to get out of the doghouse. He probably said all kinds of negative stuff about Dakota to make her feel like Dakota was just some groupie slut trying to break them up. He had to have told her that, in order for her not to have called Dakota back. He had to have, because she couldn't have just fallen for a simple lie. It had to be embellished, laced with material items to make her think that it was even better than just an embellished lie. Any woman dating or married to a star or rich man learns those principles quickly. When their man cheats, messes up, or disrespects them, they forgive faster because they know a broke man gives the same drama but with way less perks. It's almost every day we hear about a regular guy that's not famous dogging his girl out, and all he can do is say he's sorry. In the relationship all he brings to the table is the same, if not less, than the female does. So what's the gain? You went through that bullshit and will again for a man who can't do shit for you? With a man with money, you say to yourself at least this man can pay all the bills, got me pushing a Benz, can afford anything I ask for, and I get to live lavish and not have to work for it. It seems almost silly not to find it in your heart to forgive him. The forgiving heart of a kept woman makes so much more sense than the forgiving heart of a woman with a no-good, worthless man.
Well, let Jonelle have him—she couldn't blame her. She wouldn't, though. She refused to be in his lineup anymore, especially since she knew he wasn't going to change. He would be using the factors that made him a great catch to lower her standards forever. Who knew how many more of them there were Dakota figured, but she was retiring from her second-place position. From now on, if she couldn't be number one, and the one and only, she didn't want to run the race.
114
It Was Fun
“
W
hat happened to us?” she said to Jayon.
They were parked in his new, all-black 2006 Audi A4 in front of her house. It was like things had changed before they'd begun, and she didn't even see it coming.
“Jordan, I never wanted to hurt you. I would do anything to take it back.”
“So then why did you do it?”
“I don't know,” he said.
She couldn't believe this was all he had to say to her, that he didn't know. He couldn't give her any more of that shit. She'd left her husband for him, and he couldn't even tell her more than
he didn't know
. She tried her best to remain calm.
“Jayon—
you don't know?
That's all you can say to explain how things have turned out?”
“Jordan, I love you. Always have and always will, but I don't know if I can make you happy.”
“What?” she said, clearly pissed at his comment.
“I don't know what you want from me anymore—it was cool in the beginning, and I enjoyed every second of it, but ...”
“Don't even give a
but
to that ... did you not realize during that beginning that me and you were starting something that we were supposed to work at? Did you realize I was leaving my husband to make this work?”
“Don't put that on me, Jordan. You said you didn't leave your husband because of me—you didn't want to be with him anymore anyway. I just happened to make it easier, you said. So don't put it on me.”
That was it for her. She was almost speechless, not including the complete curse-out she wanted to do. She said to herself, it
isn't worth it to let him see me sweat
. This was something she had to deal with inside, on her own, and then just get the pain and tears out later when she was in her house alone. Then she realized he'd had it too easy, and she decided to tell him what was on her mind.
“You have a lot of fucking nerve.
Don't put it on you
? ... How could you even fix your lips to say that?”
“I'm just saying, don't say how you left Omar because of me. I didn't ask you to do that, and we made it quite clear I wasn't the cause of that breakup.”
“You know what, Jayon? You're a real asshole ... and you're right—you weren't the reason I left Omar, and therefore there is nothing more to discuss,” she said as she started to gather her stuff.
“I want this to work, Jordan—I still feel that we are meant to be. If you can just find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“I don't have it in my heart, Jayon. We have had our fun—thank you for making my divorce easier, and you take care of yourself. I'll talk to you later,” she said as she opened the car door and started to get out.
“Jordan, we can do this. We have been friends too long not to make this work.”
“I don't need anyone or anything to make me happy, and you can go fuck yourself,” she said, and slammed his car door. She was hoping to break the hinges off. He thought he was all fly in his new car—the shit wasn't no Bentley or nothing, it was still just an Audi. Her 2006 X5 was better than his car, and he had the nerve to act like he was doing shit for her life. Yeah, he was some good sex when she'd needed it, and when he was the best friend she fell in love with, he was a great companion. But ever since he started to act like this new Jayon guy, he couldn't do nothing for her that she couldn't do for herself. She just couldn't believe that he'd changed like that. It was like his good and evil side, right in front of her eyes, and he had the nerve to act like she shouldn't be upset.
Once she had put her belongings down on her couch inside the house, she heard the ring tone of “Lovers and Friends” coming from her phone. It was Jayon calling—she just wanted to toss the phone across the room. She damn sure didn't want to hear that song right now.
“I've been knowing you for a long while, but sexing never crossed my mind, but tonight I see something in ya, that makes me want to get with ya ...”
She silenced her ringer and walked upstairs.
She remembered when that was one of her favorite songs. She immediately thought of her and Jayon's fairy-tale story when she heard it. Now it was like torture, reminding her of the mistake she'd made. It made it so much worse because it was Jayon, her friend since her sophomore year of college. She wished it was some guy she'd met out one night—then she wouldn't feel so torn apart right now. She was not only breaking up with her boyfriend, she was breaking up with her best friend. She definitely wasn't ready for the pain that was to come from this. She would probably bury herself back in her work, and hopefully by the time she looked up, it would be all over.
115
It Takes Two
U
ntil death do us part. Chrasey had been through way too much with this man to just walk away. He owed her his life, and she was going to take it. They were going to remain married, and raise their kids, and make the best of it.
Keith had his daughter to take care of, and she just learned to deal with that. She wasn't going to be angry, she was going to accept the cards she'd been dealt. Her husband cheated on her, and he was stupid enough to get the woman pregnant. Maybe Chrasey was stupid for staying, but if it wasn't for their kids together, she'd go. Why should she let him go so Lourdes could have him to raise their daughter together? She took enough from her—she wasn't giving up that easy.
Just because Chrasey was staying didn't mean she was going to submit to suffering. She knew the marriage was pretty much hopeless. They had nothing left between them but history, and that wasn't enough to make them look forward to coming home. In theory, God puts people in your life for a reason. Trevor was her gift. Even if it was only for a season, he helped her get through. When she came home at night, and Keith was just sitting on the couch not talking to her, she felt a comfort knowing that Trevor wanted to talk to her. Even the nights that they didn't talk, she knew that he would be on the other end if she wanted him to be. She also knew that when she needed some affection or good loving, he would meet her at the closest motel and put in some work.
Keith didn't seem to notice or care that their marriage was right back where it had been. It was actually worse, because now there were trust issues that they couldn't erase, and words exchanged that they wouldn't forget. The baby hardly came up—it was out of sight but not out of mind for her.
They probably never would have the healthiest marriage, but they were honoring their vows, for better or worse. Working things out with Keith kept her hopes and promise alive. Trevor kept her alive.
116
Anything's Possible
W
ho would've thought a girl like her, fast-tailed Dakota Watkins, would be able to have a settled-down relationship with one man? She guessed they were wrong, that you can't turn a ho into a housewife, 'cause she was doing a pretty good job at it. She wasn't his wife, but she might as well be. She and David had something really good going. They lived together, and picked out her engagement ring last week.
They decided to stay at her place instead of his, because her condo was bigger and his was farther away from both of their jobs. She'd met all of David's friends, and he introduced her as wifey. Whenever he did go out, which was not often, he called to check on her regularly until he got home. She cooked dinner for him almost every night; he often came home to find her in her lingerie with a mood-set room. He loved when she did that.
All she knew was she was going to make sure her daughter, when she was fortunate enough to have one, learned to carry herself like a lady. She'd always thought because she was a diva that she was a lady. She realized now that being a lady is respecting your body. It didn't just mean the nicest clothes, expensive jewelry, nice cars, and being able to get the finest men. It was what you did with all of that, and how you obtained those things. She'd used her body to get way too much of what she had, and as she got older, she felt less like a diva and more like a doormat. She wanted to make sure her daughter experienced life, but knew when to respect herself. Her mother never knew how to do that, but that's what she will have her godmothers, Aunt Chrasey and Aunt Jordan, for. They were good with it.
She never thought she'd be looking at wedding magazines, but she picked up two this week. She thought he was going to ask at his family's Thanksgiving dinner—he'd told her in so many words. So, with a wedding in her near future, she knew for a fact that anything's possible.
Tony still called from time to time, hoping that she would fall. He told her one time that he really wished he'd realized how thankful he should have been to have her. All these other women were just about the money. He was tired of Jonelle mooching, he said; at least with Dakota, she had her own, and he knew she wasn't with him for money. She'd tried to tell him that before. Too bad he'd realized it after the fact, like most men usually do. He never did marry Jonelle to her knowledge, and she was probably still waiting on the day. At least with her man, Dakota knew he was proposing to her because he wanted to. Not just to shut her up and make her happy.

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