Dissonance (33 page)

“That’s it,” Galen said in encouragement. “Open yourself to me.”

Cam answered with a radiant smile.

Galen put on the condom, then slicked it with lube. Cam positioned himself over Galen’s cock and lowered himself onto it. Cam didn’t look away. He showed Galen every thought, every sensation, every fear, every pleasure as he took Galen into himself.

Cam didn’t speak. He didn’t need to. With each stuttered breath, each gasp, Galen understood how much this meant.

“Beautiful,” Galen said as Cam began to move up and down. Galen clasped Cam’s cock again and moved his slick hand up and down, mimicking Cam’s movements. Each time he reached the tip of Cam’s cock, he swiped his thumb over it, causing Cam to shudder.

“Galen,” Cam repeated. “Feels incredible. Hot. Hard.”

Galen thrust upward, carried away by the emotion of hearing this. Cam cried out and spilled hot and thick over Galen’s hand. Galen came a moment later, unable to hold back, shouting Cam’s name as his orgasm blossomed red-hot and shot through his limbs so that he shook with the overwhelming pleasure of it.

“Cam. Beautiful, wonderful Cam,” he whispered against Cam’s ear as they held each other.
I will never forget you.

“Galen, I—”

“Shhh,” Galen interrupted. He knew what Cam had meant to say, and he knew he couldn’t let him say it. He couldn’t hear it, or he might not be able to do what he needed to do. “Rest now and let me hold you.”

C
AM
SMILED
and listened as Galen’s breaths deepened as he fell asleep. He didn’t need Galen to tell him he loved him. He could wait for that as long as Galen needed.

C
AM
ROLLED
over and felt for Galen but found only a pillow. Last night he’d nearly made the biggest mistake of his life. He’d come so close to losing Galen because he’d been too stupid to realize Galen simply wasn’t ready to admit his feelings. He reminded himself that he could wait. He
would
wait, regardless of his insecurities. He smiled at the thought.

He slipped out of bed, pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms, then began to look for Galen.
Probably still jet-lagged
. He descended the steps to the ground floor. He saw Galen’s suitcase next to the door and his gut clenched.
No. He’s just leaving because he needs to get back to work.
He drew a long breath, then another. His racing heart calmed.

He smiled and walked through the living room, dining room, and into the kitchen, where he found Galen seated at the table, sipping tea. He leaned over and kissed Galen’s head, then wrapped his arms around Galen and kissed the side of his neck.

“Morning,” he said next to Galen’s ear.

“Good morning.” Galen stood and asked, “Tea? Or would you prefer coffee?”

“Tea would be lovely, thank you.” Cam followed Galen to the counter, where Cam refilled the electric kettle and turned it on. He slipped his hands through Galen’s arms and encircled his waist. “Although I’d prefer a repeat of last night.”

“Cam, I need to go.”

Cam smiled and pressed his head against Galen’s shoulder. “I know. I’m sure by now the school’s realized they need you back and—”

“I heard from the disciplinary board the Thursday before you were released. Looks like I don’t have a job to go back to.” Galen scooped some tea leaves into the teapot.

“Wait a minute,” Cam said as the impact of Galen’s words hit him. “You
knew
almost a week ago that the disciplinary board recommended firing you, and you didn’t tell me?” Cam frowned and tried to remember if Galen had even given him a clue, then decided he hadn’t.

“I didn’t want to worry you,” Galen said as the kettle clicked off. He poured the water over the tea. The rich scent of English breakfast rose on the steam. Cam had always loved that smell.

“Didn’t want to…. Galen, you know how worried I was about that. I’d want to know that. I’m capable of thinking about something other than myself.”

Galen shrugged but didn’t turn around. “I didn’t mean to imply that you aren’t. I just didn’t want you to worry about it when you have so many other more important things to worry about.”

“You’re going back to appeal the decision, then,” Cam said as he struggled to understand. Why the hell hadn’t Galen said anything? Did he think Cam wouldn’t care?

“No.” Galen replaced the top on the teapot and it made a soft, clinking sound.

“No? Then why are you…?” Cam’s sleepy brain finally sorted things out. Galen still hadn’t turned around, hadn’t even looked at him, not from the first moment he’d come into the room.

“Cam….” Galen spoke in a soft, low tone, but the silence cut Cam deep.

“I thought…,” Cam began. His voice sounded steady enough, but fear crept over him like an icy rain. He repressed a shiver and wished he’d had the presence of mind to pull on a T-shirt before coming downstairs.

He waited for Galen to say something, but when the next minute passed in silence, he pulled Galen around to face him. “You’re leaving me, aren’t you?” he asked.

“I need to get home.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it.”

“Cam, it’s time for me to go home.” The edges of Galen’s mouth curved faintly downward and he pressed his lips together. His eyes looked sad.

“No. You don’t need to go home,” Cam insisted.

“Cam, I—”

“If this is about last night when I left and went to the club,” Cam said, knowing he sounded desperate but not giving a damn, “nothing happened.” When Galen didn’t immediately respond, Cam continued, “I mean, I wanted it to happen, but I—”

“It doesn’t matter.” Galen turned back to the tea.

“Doesn’t matter?
Doesn’t matter
?”
Cam didn’t even know how to process that.

“I don’t care if you cheated on me,” Galen explained. “This isn’t about that.”

“You don’t care?” For once, Cam
wanted
someone to care. Again. Like Aiden had cared for him once upon a time. He wanted Galen to know, to understand that he’d chosen to be faithful to Galen. He wanted Galen to tell him he was proud of him. He wanted Galen to know why he’d stopped. Because he cared about Galen. Loved him.

“I told you when we first started sleeping together that I didn’t do long-term,” Galen said.

“Yes, but—”

“You said you understood that. You said you wanted that too.” Galen leaned on the counter, his back still to Cam.

“I said…. Yes, I said that. At the time, I was fine with it too. But now….” Cam took another deep breath. “Last night…. Leaving you here and going to the club…. That was a mistake. I never should have left, and I never should have gone home with someone.” Cam put a hand on Galen’s shoulder and squeezed gently. How many times had Galen reached out to him that same way? But this time it did nothing. Galen didn’t respond, and he still didn’t face Cam.

Why won’t he look at me?

“It’s okay, Cam. Really. I don’t care what you did last night.”

“But I didn’t—”

The doorbell rang. “That’s my taxi. I need to go.”

“Then let me come with you,” Cam said. “We can talk and I can show you that I really have changed. That
you
changed me. That I—”

The doorbell sounded again.

“Fuck!” Cam slammed his hand on the counter, causing the teapot to ring as the counter shook.

Galen turned around and looked at Cam with his beautiful eyes, now filled with tears. “You’ll be okay, Cam,” he said. “You’re strong. You’re taking back your life. You don’t need me anymore.”

“I
do
need—”

Galen pressed a single finger to Cam’s lips. “That’s what you don’t understand. You don’t need anyone to be strong. You don’t need me.”

“I want you, Galen. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t need you. But I love you.”

Galen bit his lip in an obvious effort to maintain his composure. He leaned in and kissed Cam on the cheek before saying in a husky voice, “I need to go.”

Cam watched as Galen left the kitchen, picked up his suitcase, and walked out the door. He wanted to scream. He wanted to grab Galen and hold him so he couldn’t go. But he didn’t do any of those things—partly because Galen was right: he thought he needed Galen. That having Galen by his side to do what he needed to do would make it easier. And partly because he knew at that moment there was nothing he could say or do that would make Galen stay.

“You can take your life back,” Galen said as he stepped into the cab. “If that’s what you want.”

A
LITTLE
over twenty-four hours later, Cam stood in the doorway to Duncan’s study, willing his feet to move. The way his stomach was doing somersaults, he was glad he hadn’t drunk anything but water before going to see Duncan. He fought the urge to vomit. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets when he realized they were shaking. He’d thought he was ready, but he wasn’t. He’d never be ready for this.
Shit. I can’t do this.

He’d gotten the call Sunday, a few hours after Galen left. The British authorities would likely arrest Duncan the next evening. Cam had known then what he had to do. Now, when he and Duncan were on the same footing. It would have been easier to wait until Duncan was in jail. But he knew it needed to be this way. He didn’t want to look back at this in fear. The fear would end today.

Galen’s words echoed in his mind.
“You can take your life back, if that’s what you want.”

Galen
. He’d known Galen would head back to the US. He’d never expected Galen would show up here at all. So why, in his mind’s eye, had he always seen Galen by his side when he confronted Duncan?

Because Galen helped you find your confidence.
The very confidence Duncan had systematically and brutally torn away from him. Galen’s belief in him had given him a new foundation, a new perspective, a chance to be what he always could have been. Galen had helped him grow stronger, and though he wanted Galen with him, for the first time in his life, he knew he didn’t
need
Galen or anyone else there. He could do this. He
would
do this. Alone.

“He’ll be with you in just a moment, Lord Sherrington,” the servant who had let him inside said from behind him.

“Thank you.” He offered the woman a pleasant smile and a nod. As he’d often done over the past few weeks, he found himself rubbing one of the charms on the bracelet Galen had given him. Like a talisman, it seemed to give him strength.

Galen knew I had to do this by myself.
There might be a future for them, but even if Galen had stayed, Cam would still be standing here alone. In some distant part of his mind, maybe Cam had known that all along.

He imagined himself as the little boy he’d been before… before Duncan, before
everything.
Naïve. Hopeful. Even a little talented.

I should have stopped him
, the voice in his head repeated for the thousandth time.

He heard Galen’s voice again.
“You were a kid. He took advantage of you. Hurt you. He’s sick, Cam.”

Of course Galen was right. He’d been a child. Duncan was a man. An adult. An adult who knew what he did was wrong.

Knowing that didn’t make any of this easier, because no matter whose fault it had been—and he really
did
know it hadn’t been his fault, in spite of the self-recrimination—this confrontation was something only he could do. And if he didn’t confront the monster now, he would never move on.

Cam closed his eyes and rubbed them with thumb and forefinger as he allowed the memories to crash in on him. The fear, the shame, the humiliation, the profound sense of loss for the childhood stolen from him. The anger, the betrayal. The isolation.

Cam remembered when Duncan hadn’t wanted him anymore: the year he’d gone away to school. He guessed that his mother’s choice of schools hadn’t been accidental. Duncan would have counseled her to send him far enough away that he and Duncan wouldn’t cross paths often. And sometime between then and the end of school that year, he’d simply repressed the memories. Shut the pain, humiliation, and shame away in a place in his brain where it wouldn’t haunt him.