Dissonance (19 page)

“Maybe I don’t play football,” Cam said with a laugh, “but I did play rugby.”

Galen caught hold of Cam’s ankle, and he tumbled into the pile onto Galen. Face to face, both of them panting, Cam met Galen’s gaze, and suddenly all Cam could think about was kissing Galen again.

So he did. And Galen kissed him back. Sweetly. Simply. The kind of kiss Cam had thought about since they’d kissed days before. Galen’s cold nose pressed against Cam’s, and Cam inhaled the warm, earthy scent of the leaves, heard the sound of the wind through the trees. For the first time in far too long, he felt
good
. Glad to be alive. To be here, in this place, with Galen.

When their lips parted, Cam surprised himself by wrapping his arms around Galen and simply holding him. He wanted more, to be sure, but he loved feeling Galen’s body against his, feeling Galen’s arms encircling his waist. He forgot about the chill in the air and the way his muscles protested the effort of raking. He forgot about Aiden and Duncan and all of the bullshit his life had become. For a few minutes, he felt present in the moment. Happy.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“For what?” Galen asked.

“For this.” Cam knew he wasn’t making sense. “For now.”

But judging by the gentle smile that danced on Galen’s face, Cam knew that Galen understood.

C
AM
WOKE
with a stifled moan and a whimper. He pulled his knees against his chest and gave himself over to the shudder that resonated throughout his body. Covered in sweat in spite of the chill from the old windows, he gulped in air until the feeling of terror subsided.

Another nightmare.
Another memory recovered. This time, the first time Duncan made him suck on him and how he’d vomited after Duncan forced him to swallow. How many more nights would he dream like this? Since Monday, he had dreamed of Duncan every night. Three more nights of barely sleeping. And it wasn’t just that. He
feared
sleep. Feared what he might find when he closed his eyes, what new revelation would shake him to the core.

He’d gotten better at not waking Galen up. He could be strong. He’d get through this by himself. He’d gotten used to the tears now. But he couldn’t get used to the rising rage and hatred for the man who’d… who’d….

Fuck! You can’t even say it!

“My bad little boy. See how you like it. See how hard it gets when I touch it. My dirty little boy.”

He shivered. Sitting here in the dark reminded him of boarding school. He’d told himself he’d never be that shy, frightened boy again.
Then what the fuck are you doing now?

He’d been fifteen when his mother had decided to send him away to school, far older than the typical boarding school student. She told him he’d get a better education there, but he guessed she’d figured out he was gay, because she also said they’d teach him to be a man. Without a father, he needed that. Or so she said.

The first two weeks of school had been wonderful. Away from the castle, he could be himself. Most of the boys came from backgrounds like his: privilege and wealth. Nobody called him anything but Cam. His bunkmate, Tom, had given him a tour of the grounds, and they’d laughed and joked about things he’d never have had the courage to joke about at his old school.

He didn’t tell anyone he liked boys—at least not in that particular way. He knew what he was, and he was fine with it. If they figured it out, he wouldn’t deny it. And some did. There were other boys at Briggston who felt the same way. He’d found that out the way he’d always found it out: a sidelong glance, a stray touch, an uncomfortable laugh. These had led to making out with Michael behind the dormitories after an informal game of football on a weekend. Nice, slow, easy touches that Cam loved. He hadn’t realized some of the seniors had seen them.

Monday of the third week of school started like any other. He’d finished his homework late Sunday night, slept in his underwear, and skipped breakfast in lieu of another twenty minutes of sleep. After lunch he headed across the quad, then cut behind the humanities building to the dormitories. He’d never seen anyone back there before, but today there were two boys smoking weed. Seniors. Cam had seen them in the cafeteria.

“New student,” one of the boys said with a half smirk.

“Pretty one, aren’t you?” said the other.

“Want some?” the first boy asked.

Cam hesitated, then stepped forward and took a hit. Nothing new. He’d smoked a few times before with friends. “Good stuff,” he said, although he had no idea if it really was. He passed the joint back and inhaled the smoke he’d held in his mouth.

“I’m Stan,” the first boy said.

“Cam.” Cam smiled.

“Thomas,” said the second. “Where you from?”

“Surrey.” Cam took the joint again and inhaled. He’d been nervous around the older students, but he felt pretty good now. Relaxed. Even a little bolder than before. “Glad to be out of there,” he added, only because he thought it sounded cool.

“Yeah,” Stan said.

Thomas draped a casual arm around Cam. Cam liked the way that felt. Like he was part of their little group. “I’m from Bristol,” he said. “You ever been there?”

“A few times. I liked it.” Cam took another hit. His head grew fuzzy.

“It’s all right,” Stan said.

“So, Cam,” Thomas began with a smirk at Stan, “you like to fool around?”

“What?” Cam wasn’t sure he understood.

“You know,” Thomas said. “Doing stuff with guys.”

“Yeah.” Well, Cam did. Although he wasn’t sure what it meant in this context. Thomas now had his hand in Cam’s hair, working his fingers through it. He pressed against Thomas’s hand.

“You like blowing ’em?” Stan moved in front of Cam and rubbed a hand over Cam’s crotch. Cam’s breath caught and he grew hard.

“Yeah,” Cam lied.

Stan squeezed Cam’s cock through his trousers. Cam closed his eyes and moaned. “Oh, yeah, you
do
like it, don’t you?”

That became the first of many times he spent smoking weed and giving the seniors what they wanted. After the first few times, Thomas and Stan brought some more of their friends. It was all right. Cam belonged somewhere. They liked him. And he knew what they liked.

Now, as he sat in the dark, he wondered why he’d really never felt good about it. Why he felt dirty afterward. Used. But he’d wanted it. At least that was what he’d told himself.

“My bad little boy. See how you want it. Look at how hard it gets when I touch it.”

Cam shivered, lay back down, and tried to banish the memories from his thoughts by pulling a book off the shelf.

G
ALEN
KNOCKED
on the guest bedroom door. He’d heard the toilet flush. He told himself Cam was doing better, but after a few minutes of internal back and forth, he decided to check on him anyhow.

“Come in.” Cam sounded wide-awake.

“Just checking on you.” Galen found an irritated-looking Cam sitting up in bed holding a book and Max at his feet.
Zen and the Art of Happiness
. A good choice for early-morning insomnia. Not the most exciting book on his shelf, but something that might help Cam sleep better if he practiced some of the techniques.

“You really don’t need to. I’m a big boy.”

He’d expected Cam wouldn’t appreciate his concern. Not that it would stop him from being concerned. He could be pretty dogged at times. He shrugged and said, “I figured you might need some company.”

“You thought maybe I’d try to kill myself again?” Cam snapped.

Galen had expected that too. He remembered his parents walking on eggshells when he’d come home from the hospital. His mother peering in on him when she thought he was sleeping. His father not knowing what to say. “Actually, no. But you don’t seem to be sleeping very well.” Cam had been sleeping terribly, judging by the dark circles under his eyes and the way he yawned throughout the day.

“Back rub?” A bit dangerous, but it had clearly helped Cam before.

Cam appeared to consider this. After a moment he said, “Yes. Thank you.”

Galen climbed onto the bed as Cam set the book next to him. He helped Cam move forward a bit, then pushed the pillows behind him away and settled against the headboard with his hands on Cam’s shoulders. Easier to keep his distance if he didn’t look Cam directly in the eyes.

I can do this.
He took a slow breath and focused on the movement of his hands as he worked. He thought better if he concentrated on sounds. The rhythm of things. The pattern in movement. When his thoughts strayed to things he didn’t want to think about, he could pull himself back that way.

Cam’s muscles tensed even more at Galen’s touch. “Relax,” Galen said as he began to work away the tightness.

Cam’s sigh caused Galen to shiver in spite of himself.
Focus. Breathe. Relax.
This was no different from the usual distractions in his life. Galen saw each as a challenge to be mastered, like letting go of his own anxiety. He practiced this daily, from the yoga he’d come to love to the meditations that began and ended his day.

Then why do I want to hold him?

He closed his eyes and continued to knead Cam’s shoulders.
Focus. Breathe. Relax.
This wasn’t about him. He would help Cam through this. This was no different from the kids he’d helped over the years he’d been teaching. Only it had been easier to keep his distance with them.

Cam leaned his head to one side, and the soft curls at his neck brushed Galen’s right hand.
Beautiful hair.
Hair he imagined carding his fingers through, maybe even pulling as he bit and nipped at the pale skin of Cam’s neck.

Focus. Breathe. Relax.

In an effort to master his body’s response, Galen moved to Cam’s upper arms and worked the muscles there, then pressed fingers into his right shoulder blade. This time Cam moaned.

Focus. Breathe. Relax.

By the time Galen got up the courage to work on Cam’s neck, his mind had wandered once again. He imagined running his tongue under Cam’s ear, sucking on the lobe, tasting him—

Focus. Breathe. Relax.

“Better?” he asked. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this and not give in to the temptation. And why shouldn’t he give in?

Because he’s not ready
came the voice inside his head that always made sense of things.
And because….

“Much better. Thank you.” Cam’s voice sounded husky.

Galen swallowed hard, took yet another cleansing breath, and was about to climb out of the bed when Cam pulled him into his arms. They were so close now. Face to face. Too close….

“I know what you said,” Cam said under his breath. “About me not being ready.”

Focus. Breathe. Relax.

“And you’re probably right,” Cam continued. “But… would you mind… staying with me? Here? Until I fall asleep?”

Galen saw the need in Cam’s face. The fear in his eyes.
I can do this.
“Sure,” he said. He knew he sounded relaxed and in control. He wasn’t either of those things—not in his mind. He’d gotten so good at the external bullshit. But Cam didn’t need to know that. Right now Cam needed him, and that was all that mattered. Galen waited as Cam settled onto the pillow, then lay next to him so their bodies barely touched.

“Thank you.” Galen heard relief in Cam’s voice, and he smiled. He could do this.

Max, who’d moved while Galen rubbed Cam’s back, circled several times, then landed with a plop on top of one of Galen’s feet. Cam’s soft chuckle reminded Galen of the first strands of sunlight in the morning sky at dawn.

You can do this. Breathe. Relax. Focus.

Cam fell asleep a few minutes later, judging by the slowing of his breaths. Galen watched him for the longest time, partly because he couldn’t sleep but partly because he found Cam so beautifully vulnerable like this, he couldn’t bear to look away.