Dissonance (9 page)

Of course, it was simpler for me to be at ease when I knew I couldn’t land him. There was nothing to be nervous about when he flat-out told me that he was not going to end up with me.
No, he has relationship hang-ups that have nothing to do with you.
It had been the same all night, having to continually remind myself that the issue was not me. It was an old habit that I found nearly impossible to break.

Logan broke my train of thought. “Do you have plans today?”

“I’m supposed to go to Eli’s. See their place. Knowing Alex, she’s probably going to want to drag me out somewhere tonight,” I sighed a bit melodramatically. “But, if I indulge her now, she won’t be as much of a nightmare once I’m working and say no.”

“I can take you over there if you want.”

“That would be great. It’ll be a few days before I get a handle on the transit system here.”

“Transit?” he asked, clearly unhappy with my transportation choice.

“It’s convenient. That’s how I got everywhere in Chicago.”

“It’s gross, loud, unreliable, and God only knows who might be on it.”

“You sound so uppity right now,” I said, only half teasing.

He rolled his eyes at me. “I’ll drive you wherever you need to go. Just stay off the damn bus.”

“Okay,” I conceded. I wasn’t sure why I was doing anything to accommodate his weird issue with public transit, but I got the distinct impression that it would be a bigger headache if I didn’t. “I’m going to shower.”

“Alright. I’ll be ready whenever you want to go.”

With a nod, I stood to put my cup in the sink, but Logan reached out to take it from me.

“You don’t have to do things for me. You make me feel like a guest,” I explained. “I live here, we’re roommates; I can clean my own messes.”

“My mother raised me to be a gentleman. I’m already closer to the sink, and I need to clean mine anyway. I’ll take care of it.”

I eyed him, wanting to remark that fucking women that one barely knows and has no intention of being with is hardly gentlemanly behavior. Instead, I swallowed my pride and my catty remark. He did not have to let me live here, he wasn’t charging me rent when he rightfully could, and now he was saving me the trouble of cleaning up my cup. What had I done in return? I’d spent all night judging him for having sex with another consenting adult in his own home, for making choices he had every right to make, and made him feel he had to apologize and warn me off because I was somehow superior to him. I was being self-righteous and it made me sick.

Without thinking it through, without considering if it would be awkward, I moved around the island and wrapped my arms around him. He seemed hesitant to hug me back, and it was not until his hands rested on the exposed skin of my back that I realized why. In the course of our conversation, it had slipped my mind that I was still in my rather skimpy workout clothes. For an instant, I thought about recoiling, but I realized how strangely comfortable I was with his hands on my skin. Even dressed the way that I was, I was at ease with being close to him.

"I'm sorry," I said, pulling back from him. It struck me how deeply I felt the absence of his arms around me. "Thank you for being so nice to me."

He seemed like he was still surprised by what was happening, but he quickly shifted to a grin. "I'm a pain in the ass to live with. I know that, so I'm trying to be... less so."

Retreating to my room to shower, I felt as though he was still watching me. When I peeked through the corner of my eye, I was sure I saw him adjust himself through his jeans. My face heated, but a small grin spread across my face at the sight.

Eli lived about thirty minutes away in North Queen Anne. As expected, he was lounging in a t-shirt and basketball shorts when we arrived. Alex, done up as always, immediately swept Charlotte into a tour of their third-floor walk-up. The apartment was a nice space. From the moment I had first seen it, I thought it was incredibly welcoming. The walls housed several framed copies of old concert posters. The couches were a plush light grey, which contrasted with the dark brown entertainment center and coffee table. Candles and flowers were scattered throughout the space. It was a well executed balance of masculine and feminine, and it was warm, just as Alex wanted it.

Alex and I had never had any in-depth conversations about the past, but over the last few years, I came to grasp some pieces of her story. She’d had a rough upbringing, one she didn’t feel the need to talk about often. Despite the issues in her past, she was naturally caring and nurturing to everyone around her. The type of person that was fiercely committed to the people she cares about. She was admittedly extremely attractive, which I gathered had not helped her situation. Still, despite any struggle she had, she was one of the most personable people I had ever known. It was, besides her obvious skill in the area, very important for her as a beautician.

"You guys relax. I'm going to make some food," Alex instructed us brightly.

That was all it took, Eli was on his feet and immediately in the kitchen to help her. It was funny to watch him switch so suddenly from a lazy son-of-a-bitch to the helpful mate. It made me wonder if Charlotte knew Eli's intentions with Alex. He dragged me with him a couple of times to go engagement ring shopping all over the damn city. He insisted that he had to find the "perfect" ring for her, though he hadn’t said anything about an actual plan for his proposal yet. Knowing Eli, he would wait as long as he needed to in order to have the perfect plan. He would never give Alex less than that.

As the two moved around the kitchen, I looked over at Charlotte, who was seated on the love seat at an angle to the couch I found myself on. She was smirking at Eli and Alex, and I knew that even if she knew nothing about Eli's plans, she thought it was high time he got there.

"You guys are like an old married couple," she called to them.

Eli failed to hide his amusement with a scowl, while Alex grinned in response. I was drawn back to the smirk gracing Charlotte's lips. Did I mention how sexy it was when she did that? I wanted to see her look at me like that. I wanted her to tease me, and I've always been one for the sure thing. She made me want for her to torture me with her alluring little body and sexy smirk until I begged. Christ, it made me want her to be my undoing.

Eli asked Charlotte about her new job for a bit while I tried, again, to suppress my overwhelming desire for her. My mind and body were so wrapped up in her that I could not even concentrate enough to follow their conversation. I didn’t jump back into the present until I heard Charlotte say: "I just didn't want to wait to start. My student loan payments are actually going to start being due, and I still have a bit to take care of.”

Immediately, I felt that desire to take care of her again. I had to refrain from asking how much debt she had from school, finding myself actually considering how I could ease that financial burden without her consent. I knew that she would never allow me to just give her a check to pay it all off. Why should she? I barely knew her. Hell, I was asking myself why I even wanted to. Her affect on me already knew no bounds.

"I can help out with some of it," Eli offered.

"No," Charlotte responded adamantly. "You made sure I had money for everything else all those years. You've done enough taking care of me."

Eli looked immediately exasperated with her refusal. "Lottie–"

She cut him off. "No. I'm a big girl now. I can take care of my own debt. Besides, there’s only a couple thousand, and I have years to pay it off. I’m not worried at all.”

Well, no shock there. Charlotte was obstinate about her independence. She would not accept charity. It was so goddamn frustrating, and I barely knew her. Eli had to be well beyond tired of it.

"What happened to all you talk about the loves?” Eli shot at her. “What about
Agape
?"

Charlotte looked blatantly unimpressed by his attempt to change her mind. "
Agape
is random. It is offering up help to people regardless of your relationship to them. You're my brother, you feel obligated to help me because you are my family. You wouldn’t do this for just anyone."

Feeling lost in translation, I looked between them both. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

"C.S. Lewis'
The Four Loves
.
Storge
,
Philia
,
Eros
,
Agape
. Affection, Friendship, Romance, Charity. It is an exploration of the four forms of love that have arisen from the Christian tradition. Outside of faith, I think it's a fascinating way to look at relationships."

Eros
. Romance. The Greek god of love, if I remembered correctly. The word seemed to stick out in my mind. I could not ignore it, or the innately sensual sound of the word on her lips.

“Of course, it is wrapped in misconceptions. For instance,
Eros
, as I had to tell my dear brother, is not sex.
Philia
, friendship, is a love not just an association,” her attention moved from me and back to Eli, “and
Agape
is not based on a sense of obligation.”

Little did she know that this was not her first lesson to me about the difference between love and sex. I’m not a complete idiot. I always knew that there is a difference between a mindless fuck and a “soul mate” – if I ignore my questions about whether the latter exists at all. What I did not know was
Eros
. What I did not know was how enticing she could make that concept when I least expected it. Next to the allure of
Eros
with Charlotte,
Philia
sounded like a consolation prize.

Eli sighed. “You’re impossible,” he responded to Charlotte before turning his back to us and busying himself at the stove.

Charlotte had a slight grin at this resignation.

“Not sure you can call that a win,” I told her.

“What? He gave in. Hence, I win,” she responded.

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

The moment the words left my lips, I could see Charlotte’s smile completely disappear and the color visibly drain from her face. Those mesmerizing brow irises were quickly being engulfed by black pupils. I swear I could hear her heartbeat quicken.
What just happened?

Looking over to the kitchen for some explanation of what the heck was going on, I found Eli with his back still turned, blissfully unaware of the reaction I had elicited from his baby sister. Alex, however, had stopped her prep work and was watching Charlotte’s reaction vigilantly.

The sound of desperate, frantic breaths filled my ears, and a moment later, Charlotte bolted down the hall and closed herself in the bathroom. Alex met my eyes, and then looked back to Eli. Swiftly, she tossed a container of parmesan cheese that sat in front of her into the trash.

“Babe, I guess we didn’t have parmesan,” she said, rummaging through the refrigerator. “Can you run to the store and get some?”

Begrudgingly rinsing his hands and moving to grab his shoes, he suddenly noticed Charlotte’s absence. “Where did Char go?”

“Bathroom,” Alex responded without missing a beat.

He nodded, pulling on his shoes. As he moved to the door, Alex met my eyes and nudged her head in the direction where Charlotte had just disappeared. Her message was clear:
Go after her!

I couldn’t go yet, not without some idea what I was walking into. Once Eli disappeared, I walked over to Alex in the kitchen. “What the hell just happened?”

She just shook her head sadly. “Panic attack. I have no clue what set it off, but I’ve seen her have one before. Whatever it was, it was between the two of you, so I think you should go check on her.”

I couldn’t agree less. In fact, since I had somehow triggered her, I felt I was the
last
person that should go after her; particularly when I felt so stricken by the fact that I had scared her somehow.

Alex, noting my lack of response or action, continued. “Look, you seem to want to have some sort of relationship or friendship or something with her besides just being her roommate. Char is letting you in, she usually doesn’t. If you don’t show her that you had no intention of scaring her – which I know you didn’t – she is going to close you off because it will be easier.”