Dissonance (17 page)

With more trepidation that I could handle, I asked, “What happened in May?”

“A friend of hers had been trying to call her all morning after Charlotte didn’t show up to meet her. Eventually, she gave in and went to check on Char herself. I thank divine providence every day that she had the extra copy of Char’s keys.”

The silence seemed to spread out into infinity before he spoke again. “She found Charlotte unconscious on the couch. There was an empty bottle of Patrón on the ground and a half-empty bottle of pain killers on the coffee table.”

I was reeling. Completely overwhelmed by everything Eli had told me. The poor, beautiful, fucked-up girl that I’d become so attracted to had been handed more misery than I had expected, and I knew that there were still major pieces missing. I began to thank divine providence, too. Thanking God that she was still there, offering up my pathetic soul for a chance to heal her pain. All I wanted was to haul ass back to that park, pull her into my arms and never let her go. But there was still one piece that Eli might be able to fill in.

“Did she mean to do it, or was it just an accident?” I asked with baited breath.

“I don’t know,” he admitted bleakly. “She didn’t leave a note, but she was smart enough to not take so many pills, or to add alcohol to that mix. Only she knows for sure what happened, and honestly… I’ve never had the guts to ask.”

I found myself sitting on the ground, staring at nothing. My breathing and heart rate took a while to slow back to normal. The soreness in my muscles was exhilarating. For the first time since I had woken up that morning, I began to relax. I laid back on the grass and looked up at the midday sky.

With a deep breath to release the last of the tension, I called Eli to come pick me up.

“We’ll be there soon,” he said.

We
. Damn it.

“Oh,” I let slip out accidentally.

“Problem?”

How was I supposed to explain to him that I didn’t want to see my own roommate? At least Logan wouldn’t be able to badger me with Eli around. With a deep sigh, I found something more upbeat in my music library and hit the trail back to the parking lot full-force.

Sweat had soaked me when I reached the lot. Logan and Eli were already there, leaning against the car. Eli had a cigarette to his lips, causing me to roll my eyes as I slowed to a stop and felt the exhaustion settle in. I bent over, putting my hands on my knees and dropping my head, panting hard. My run back had been a bit too intense, but the pulsing in my muscles was invigorating, as was the release of the stress that had been nearly suffocating me. I gulped down the last of my water, splashing just a bit on my overheated face. When I looked up again, Logan’s eyes were trained on me and Eli’s gaze was colored with that same old concern.

“Don’t give me that look, Eli,” I said when I reached them, still trying to catch my breath.

He threw his hands up in a mock-defensive pose and smiled at me. Seeing Logan standing there made it impossible for me to smile back in kind. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

I was forced to look down to keep myself from glancing over at Logan.
Your fucking best friend, that’s what’s wrong,
I wanted to shout. Instead, I swallowed back my venom, trying to ignore the nagging thought that by moving me in with Logan, Eli had fed me to the wolf. “I’m fine.”

I pretended not to hear the stifled sigh Eli gave in response, and his sidelong glance at Logan.

Leading the way back to Logan’s car, I climbed into the back driver’s side. I did not want a clear view of Logan’s profile the entire ride home. Of course, I hadn’t factored in the rear-view mirror. I noticed with bristling irritation that Logan was intermittently glancing back at me through it. The look in his eyes each time infuriated me the most. He was upset.
Maybe you should have been more concerned before you took me to bed last night,
I thought.

“Logan told me about karaoke night,” Eli said conversationally. I just shrugged and stared out of my window. “Damn it all, Charlotte. I’m going to find out what’s wrong.”

We had pulled to a stop at an intersection and I met Logan’s eyes in the mirror as I spoke. “I’m just not entirely sure that this move was a good idea,” I answered, hoping to get both of them off of my back. Logan could tell by my words and the sharp way that I glared at him that I placed blame on him for my discomfort with the move. He pulled his gaze from mine as the light changed, and I was left trying to decipher the look that had crept into his eyes at my vehement words. It looked like pain, and I was rendered speechless.

Eli spent the afternoon at the apartment with us. He helped me unpack the last few boxes that had arrived over the last few days, told me about his week and badgered me until he knew everything there was to know about my new job. I lightened up considerably over the course of the day, both because I loved being around my brother, and because Logan had been notably absent from my room the entire afternoon.

As evening drew in on us, Logan popped into my room to offer to grab everyone dinner. The moment the front door closed behind him, Eli turned to me.

“Well?” he asked.

“Well, what?”

“Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you two?”

I looked him straight in the eyes and knew there was no point in pretending Logan and I were cool. “No.”

“Well then, I’ll have to see how close my impression is,” he kicked back, making himself perfectly comfortable in my desk chair while I sat cross-legged on the bed.

“I think there’s been tension brewing between you two since the beginning. He’s staying away, and you don’t like it.” I just stared at him, revealing nothing. “I know he likes you, or he wouldn’t have been so aggressive towards Leo all week. But you need to keep in mind that maybe he’s keeping a distance because it’s better that way.”

I really could not have said anything in that moment. I may have been pissed at Logan, but I wouldn’t risk his friendship with Eli by telling my brother that he had actually made a move. That he’d nearly gotten me naked. That he would have had everything if I hadn’t backed out.

“Just… try to hold on to that.”

When Logan returned with food, the three of us ate together in the kitchen. I noticed both men watching the progress I was not making.

“Aren’t you hungry after that work out?” Eli tried and failed to mask his worry with curiosity.

“No, I’m just tired,” I answered.

Eli knew me well enough to call my bluff. I always lost my appetite when I was upset. It had been that way since I was little. There was no reason to lie about it, but it kept him from pressing the issue.

Soon after dinner, Eli decided to get home to Alex. Logan would have to drive him back, so he went to get his shoes. When he left, Eli pulled me into a bear hug.

“I know you aren’t adjusted. I know things aren’t going as well as you hoped, but I’m so glad you’re here, Lottie.” Something in his voice revealed that he wasn’t just talking about me being in Seattle. He was thinking about the Patrón incident, how it could have ended very differently.

With my emotions running wild all day, I almost couldn’t take his quiet admission. I tightened my hold on the one person who had been with me through everything. For the first time since the fluorescent lights hit my eyes in the hospital, I was glad I had woken up that day. For his sake.

When the boys left, I showered again and crawled, exhausted, into bed. I tried to keep all of the emotions of the day at bay. I felt awful that I had even momentarily blamed Eli for what had happened between Logan and I. All he wanted was to make me happy. Even if he was woefully misguided sometimes, I knew I was lucky to have him.

Logan came to my door after he got back. He tapped lightly on it and softy called my name through the barrier. Luckily, I had already shut off the lights, so I pretended to have already fallen asleep. I had nothing to say to him.

Shortly after that, I heard him at the piano, but I made a conscious effort to ignore the sound until I fell into a less than stellar sleep.

After trying and failing to talk to Charlotte Saturday night, it seemed as though she had all but cut me out of her life. Since it was what she wanted, I made it easy for her to ignore me. Between overtime at the office, practicing with the band and hours at the rehearsal space finally writing some new material, I hardly spent any time at the apartment. It took all of my self-control to ignore the desperate desire to beg, plead, do anything necessary to get her to listen to me. I knew it was futile to try, but damn if I didn’t want to anyway. Charlotte was not going to come around because of a little pitiful begging, though. No, she needed something much bigger. Something she couldn’t ignore.

Come Thursday, Eli knew something was up. He’d picked Charlotte up from work every day. When he came into my office for lunch, per usual, I knew right away we weren’t in for a chummy conversation or amiable silence.

“Look,” he began agitatedly, “you need to sort out your shit with Char. You both need to stop acting like fucking children and playing this avoidance game. It’s stupid.”

I knew it was. I wouldn’t begin to deny that our joint mission to avoid each other at all costs was something petulant teens would do, but of all people who should know that just trying to sit his sister down and talk about it was not going to work.

“That’s why I want her at the show tomorrow night. It’ll give me a way to apologize without having to tie her to a damn chair. Hell, I doubt she’d even listen if I did that. I need something she can’t ignore, or she’ll just keep shrugging me off.”

Charlotte, who I’d had a pseudo-conversation with the day before, had said she was going to come to see the band. Actually, she’d said, “Eli told me I’m going with him to your show Friday night.” Obviously, not where I had hoped our relationship would be by that point, but at least she was going. Of course, when I tried to have a light conversation with her after that, she half-pleaded with me to leave her alone.

If only it were that easy. Though, I think part of me had known it wouldn’t be that way between us since day one. She called to me with her sad eyes, her Earth-shaking voice, and that shy blush that loved to graze her cheeks. When I closed my eyes, I could still see her standing at the end of my piano. As long as I live, I will remember that moment, and it will never cease to rip my heart open. That memory was all that kept me fighting. Charlotte felt through song, too. If I had any hope of reaching her at all, music was the way.