Dismantling Evan (15 page)

September 2013

It is the weekend.

First two weeks of school were tough. Mom and Brody helped me set up my binder after the first day, then every day after that Brody would check my binder after school to make sure I still had it organized. I told Brody Evan helped me keep organized in English. He started asking questions about her. I think he kind of likes her.

I told him about her standing up to Spencer in class. That really started him on a roll with questions. “What happened?” “Was she defending you?”  “She shouldn’t be getting involved.” “What did Spencer do?” “Has he done anything since?”

I answered him as much as I could and I told him Spencer hadn’t started any trouble with me since Evan partnered with me in class, which was like the coolest thing anyone has ever done for me, I mean aside from Brody always protecting me. Oh, and Asher, Nikki, and Lia standing up for me too.

Haven’t been sleeping well. I have been wanting to go outside at night, but Brody has been working late at the car shop and I don’t like to go out there by myself. Well, Brody doesn’t like me going outside alone, especially with Mom going to sleep before he gets home. One night I thought about going outside, see if Evan was out too, but I started getting nervous like I was going to shake my skin right off my body. I didn’t like the way that felt so I turned on the T.V. and watched America’s Got Talent then the news. When Brody got home, I asked him if we could go outside. He said he was tired, but he promised we would this weekend. I said okay, went to bed, and laid there all night staring at the small popcorn ceiling mounds shadowed by the moonlight coming through my window. That night I counted 43,967 mounds before my eyes started burning. I closed my eyes but I didn’t sleep. I listened to the sound of crickets from my backyard.

Today our neighborhood is having a BBQ Block Party. Mom said we needed to make an appearance even though none of us feel like going. It isn’t the same without dad being at the parties. When he comes home from his tour, going to these things will be better. I’m sure the other parents will want to know about his experiences during war and how he helped so many people.

Brody said Ash, Nikki, and Lia would be there and that made me feel a lot better about going. I asked him if Evan was going to be there, but he said he didn’t know.

I think I’m getting better at this journaling thing.

-G.F

“HOW HAS SCHOOL BEEN?” ASKS Dr. Larson as we sit across from each other in her not-so-doctory doctor’s office.

She places her notepad on the table between us and crosses her legs; completely focused on what I have to say. It is both comforting she wants to know, but daunting since it means I am on the spot to say something and speak about my feelings and things for the next hour.

I guess she notices me looking at her oddly because she spurs me on. “Have you met anyone? Acquaintances? Possible friends?”

In the past, a question like that from anyone would have me answering, “I don’t have friends,” then I would clam up for the remainder of time I was in their presence. This isn’t the case, because I actually have people, acquaintances, interesting acquaintances, who I want to talk about - a first. “I met this girl the day we moved in, Nikki...”

I explain how we met, how she came to my house on the first day of school and her and her boyfriend Asher have been driving me to and from school since. Her question opens the flood gates as I don’t stop there. I tell her about meeting Gavin and Brody out in front of my house. She looks at me oddly when I tell her about Gavin’s strangeness, when he stood in the center of our driveway. I’m speaking faster as I talk about Brody and I intentionally slow my excitement to not appear so obsessed or fixated on him, because I’m not. He is just the most intriguing to me of all the acquaintances. I mention Celine and how she reminds me of a certain cheerleader from my old school and I even tell her about Spencer and how I have kind of taken up for Gavin in English class by partnering with him and all.

“Wow, busy two weeks in an American high school, huh?” she says and smiles.

I have to admit, I like this doctor the more I talk with her. “Yeah.”

Dr. Larson asks, “Is standing up for someone else something you would have done in your old school?”

“Hell no.” The answer is immediate without needing to think. It sounds tainted with bitterness as it touches the air between her and I.

Without her eyes leaving mine, she asks, “Why do you think that is?”

I hadn’t really thought about it. “I don’t know.” I think about it now though.
Why am I different with the people here?
“Maybe because they talked to me. Made me feel a part of something.”

I hadn’t felt a part of something back in San Francisco and no one ever talked to me, but then again, I didn’t try to talk to anyone.

“But you approached Gavin, right?”

I nod.

“And you have formed a kind of bond with Nikki, right?”

I nod again.

Dr. Larson intertwines her hands. “You are talking to them and interacting with them as much as they are with you. It sounds like that is something you never really wanted to do; would you say that is true?”

“Yes.”

“So what is different?” she asks me.

“They don’t know me. Starting over in a new place,” I start to list off.

She nods. “Those are valid Evan, but I think there is more.”

I’m not sure what she’s getting at, but she doesn’t press on. Instead, she asks about Gavin. “This boy, the one that was standing oddly in your driveway...”

“Gavin,” I add.

“Yes, you seem to have become a friend to him too,” she says.

I nod and tell her what Mrs. Warren had said about Gavin not having resources at school and being stretched thin when it came to helping him, and how Nikki had told me about Mr. Ferguson and what happened at school last year. At some point I spin off and start talking about how it is wrong to not have resources for Gavin at the school and expecting Brody to take on that responsibility. I tell her about the confrontation I witnessed in front of their house with Brody needing to calm Gavin down. I tell her what happened in class with Spencer picking on Gavin, and about what happened in the cafeteria: him saying something to Brody causing him and Gavin to leave. I rant about it not being fair for kids that have parents with more influence to weasel their way out of punishments like Spencer did when he made a comment about Mr. Ferguson to Gavin and how Brody and Gavin are left to suffer the consequences, like they are the non-influential scapegoats who have a mom that is breaking her back trying to work and be there for them, while their father is quite possibly a prisoner of war in Afghanistan.

I’m breathing fast and my heart races as I articulate everything I’ve been thinking for the past two weeks.

Dr. Larson watches me carefully as I take a deep breath.

She says, “You feel very strongly about all this Evan.”

I do. I feel all these things around me and in me. Things I never expressed before; or cared to. But, now I do and I don’t know why. I nod. “Yes, I do.”

I snicker and look away, bashfully. “I haven’t really cared to talk about these things with anyone before, I mean back home in San Francisco.”

She probes with a soft smile, “But you feel like it now, here in Braxton Springs, Texas with the people around you; the friends you are making.”

Her commenting on my making friends might have normally made me cringe, but I don’t. Nikki and I are hanging out every day in between classes and at lunch; the rides to and from school with her and Asher, and working closely together in the computer lab with the other newspaper staff members, I guess that is what the start of a friendship looks like.

“It sounds like Asher, Nikki, Lia, and you are being a friend to Gavin too.”

Her brow furrows and she reshapes her mouth to an even line. “Evan, what you all are doing for Gavin... that doesn’t happen very much. You are being a friend to someone with challenges that is usually shunned instead of tolerated. Your counselor is right. There’s a lot of red tape and funding issues and kids like Gavin, kids with challenges, are struggling and slipping into the cracks.” She shakes her head.

“It sounds like their family is struggling too and I’m sure Brody and his mom are doing all they can in such a terrible situation in regard to the dad. You, being there for Gavin, your friends being there for Gavin...just know you are helping, all right?”

She leans forward in her chair. I wonder if she had ever stood up for someone and that is why she is telling me this now. Either way, she gives me the affirmation I need that I am doing the right thing.

“It sounds like Brody is a pretty amazing brother.”

He is pretty amazing, period
. My stomach weakens as I remember the look on his face in the cafeteria.
He is a good brother, Evan.
“Yes, he is.”

She looks at her watch. “Well, would it be all right to go get your mom now or do you have anything to add?”

I look at my phone and notice the time. We have been talking for forty-five minutes and it felt like ten to me. I shake my head. “No, it’s all right.”

When Mom comes in and sits down, they exchange greetings and “how are yous” before Dr. Larson starts to update her. “I think Evan is responding well to the medication and I’m happy to say I think Evan is making a turning point in regard to trying developing friendships at her new school.”

I realize we haven’t really talked about the medicine much during our session.
Is the medicine working? Or am I changing? Or are both happening at the same time?
I want to give myself credit and not the medicine.
A pill can’t change everything, right?

I glance at Mom. A smile stirs on her lips before she looks up at me and give me a sappy, “Oh honey.” She looks back at Dr. Larson. “That is wonderful news.”

Dr. Larson nods and looks at me. “It is very good news.” She turns to Mom. “It looks like grades are a non-issue for Evan. She is very bright.”

We only have a couple of grades so far in each class, but I’m on top of them without a problem.

“She is and she seems to be more focused about wanting to achieve at school.” Mom does a double take at me and smiles the biggest, most excited smile (crinkled nose and all). “Friends? You are making friends baby?”

I roll my eyes, playfully, not the frustrated eye roll, and nod, smiling.

She continues to dote after me. “Look at that gorgeous smile. I am so happy to see it.”

Dr. Larson interrupts Mom. “I’d like to continue seeing Evan weekly for a bit. I think we are making progress with things and I want to keep the momentum going.”

For the first time since, since... a long time, I sense a glimmer of hope.

The whole ride home, Mom is bubbly, talking about the block party and hanging out with my new friends. She makes a comment about the O’Keefes inviting her and Dad over for a gathering in a couple of weeks.

“O’Keefes. Their daughter is Celine O’Keefe, right?”

Mom nods as she enters the on-ramp for the highway. “Yes, she is a cheerleader at Braxton Springs. Do you know her?”

I try to keep my snarky thoughts to myself and answer her flatly. “I know of her.”

“Maybe you two can hang out at the block party?”

I smile for her sake then turn toward the window and grimace. Highly unlikely that will happen.

Mom rambles on about Mrs. O’Keefe meeting her for coffee and catching up on old times.

“Old times?” I ask.

Mom changes lane as we cruise down the highway. “Yeah, we were friends in high school. Same cheer squad.” Mom looks over at me briefly and smiles.

Oh. My. God. My mom was BFFs with Celine’s mom. They friggin’ went to school together? My thoughts start racing wondering where other connections between some of my classmates’ parents may lie. Does she know Nikki’s mom? Hell, does she know Mrs. Ferguson next door? I want to ask who else she knows, but I’m kind of overwhelmed by the fact Mom is buddy-buddy with Celine’s mom. All I can get out in regard to the new development is, “Wow, small world.”

Mom rambles on with the comment of this having been her home town, we were bound to have run into some of her high school friends. “I didn’t expect them to live so close to us though. And, Mrs. O’Keefe wants to have me visit her house to make some interior design suggestions next week! Isn’t that so cool?”

Cool? Um, not sure about that.

“What honey? Don’t you want me to go back to work?”

I lean my head back on the headrest and look out the front windshield. The traffic keeps slowing and speeding up again. Between the flash of brake lights I make something up. “No, that isn’t it. I kind of liked that you were home, but I know you will be working from home which makes it better.”

Liar, liar.

This plays on Mom’s heart strings a little. “Oh honey, I will be home every afternoon and evening. That won’t change. Plus, it is part-time so there will be days I won’t even work. I need to get my feet wet again though and she is giving me a shot.”

“I know. That is good Mom.” My mom needs this. She needs to get back into her career and I’m not going to stop her even if it means her working closely with the mother of Celine; Brody’s ex-girlfriend and original mean girl. I wonder if her mom is anything like her. You know the saying; ‘Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’

If she is, and my mom is friends with her, does that make my mom just like Celine? Is that what she was like in high school? Is she going to become this arrogant beauty queen ex cheerleader mom and are her and Mrs. O’Keefe going to rekindle some kind of cheerleader bond they once had? My chest tightens and I listen to my racing thoughts picking up speed.

Racing thoughts; that was a symptom Dr. Middleton and Dr. Larson both mentioned when diagnosing me with depression and bipolar. As we pull onto our street, the glimmer of hope I held since leaving Dr. Larson’s office starts to fade as I hang onto the sole thought that the medicine might not be helping. It might never help.

Mom is in the kitchen getting some kind of pot-luck dish together to take to the block party while I sit in the living room with dad as he balks at football game on TV. Of course, as soon as we arrived home, Mom was ranting and raving about how well the appointment went and how Dr. Larson thinks I am adjusting well to the medication. Dad and Mom’s hopeful vibe almost infects me, but not quite. I mean what if the medicine is doing nothing and I am just changing to fit into my new high school environment? Gavin, Nikki, Brody, Spencer, Celine, Asher, Lia... What if this is a phase of change; like a metamorphosis and at any moment the depression, the manic episodes of bipolar will resurface? I don’t think I am being unreasonable by being cautious there is a chance all is not well in my world now that I am showing some... changes in my behavior. There are too many other factors to consider.