Disclosures - SF4 (11 page)

Jamie

She surveyed the message for a moment, trying to make sure she was giving the correct impression.
I think it’s pretty clear from this that I don’t want to have an ongoing relationship. I wish him well, but I don’t really want to hear from him again. I know I’ll check with Daddy to make sure he passes the bar, but that’s really the next time I’d like to hear his name.
Satisfied that the message was clear, she hit "send".

As they huffed up and down the hilly streets of Upper Noe Valley, Ryan reflected on her dream and how she had woken up.
God, that freaked me out
, she mused as a chill ran down her spine.
It felt so real—and that hasn’t happened for months now.
She recalled with a grimace how frequent the nightmares had been, remembering the times she woke in her father’s arms after her cries had roused him from a sound sleep.
The doc told me I might have another bout when the anniversary came around,
she recalled
. Guess I’m gonna have to ride it out.
She knew that she had to share her fears with Jamie, but she just wasn’t willing to dampen their still-joyous mood with the details of the attack. "Maybe that’ll be the last one," she said with more confidence than she felt.

Banishing thoughts of the dream, she allowed herself to laugh a bit at the state of her dishabille when she woke.
I’ve got to have a little more discipline here. God knows I love having Little Frisky love me senseless, but I’ve got to at least figure out a way to get my teeth brushed!
She mused thoughtfully for a second, smiling to herself when she considered,
If I tell her I call her Little Frisky, she’ll leave me alone at night. Heck, I might not ever have sex again!
Trudging up a particularly steep hill, the idea hit her.
That’s it! I’ll brush my teeth every time I eat something in the evening! Ha
! She laughed at her cunning solution, figuring that a few more bouts of brushing would be a lot better than doing without.

She had traversed most of the streets near the house and now found herself in front of Douglas Playground, a small, but attractive little plot where she first was introduced to the joys of playing on the swings. She could still remember tugging on Brendan’s hand every afternoon, looking up at him with her big, impossibly blue eyes and begging, "Bwen, can we go thwing?" Her big brother would look down at her with remarkable patience for a nine-year-old, grasp her little hand, and allow her to drag him down the street, where he would spend a good hour pushing her until his arms ached.

A choked cry caught her attention before she realized that the sound had come from her own mouth. A flood of memories, washed over her, nearly drowning her with their weight. Her entire life had consisted of roughly one square mile of real estate, and she suddenly realized that she didn’t want to go to Berkeley…not today…not ever! The Noe Valley was more than her home—it was her birthright. Every member of her family in America lived within walking distance. She knew almost every person by name and considered many of her neighbors to be extensions of her family. She and Duffy had met every dog within five miles, and she really enjoyed their sociable interactions at the park on cool summer evenings. She knew every employee at Martha and Brothers coffee shop, and she relished the thought that, without a word, her latté was waiting for her when she got to the front of the line. The guys at Peasant Pies constantly teased her about her legendary appetite; Jacob at the newsstand always saved a copy of the Sunday
Dublin Mail
for her; even the mail carrier, Hector, would stop and chat for a few minutes during his busy day. It wasn’t exciting, it wasn’t even very interesting, but it was home, and she was physically ill at the thought of leaving it.

She had slowed to a walk, and Duffy immediately sensed her mood. He sat at her feet, cocking his big dark head, and when she made eye contact with his sad eyes she nearly lost it.
I’ve gotta get home
, she decided, taking off again at a very fast clip.

"I don’t know how you’re gonna do without this in the morning, Duff," she said aloud as they huffed up and down the hills. Her father had already assured her that he didn't mind taking him for a walk in the morning, but he was clearly not interested in running with him. Conor was a good runner and he put in about five miles most days, but he did so at night, and that’s not when Duffy had his burst of energy. Rory was away so much that he didn’t figure into the equation, so Duffy would have to expend his morning energy in some other way. She knew that most dogs didn't get the kind of exercise that Duffy was used to, and she assumed that he didn't really need as much as he got. But he was very used to their morning ritual, and she knew it would bother him to not have it any longer. "We're just going to have to see how it goes, boy," she said as they ran along. "If you can't stand it, we'll bring you over to Berkeley," she promised. The big dog looked up at her with his trusting brown eyes and she felt her reasoned façade begin to crack once again. "I’m worried about you not being able to stand it," she muttered aloud. "It’s me that probably won’t be able to function without you!"

They covered almost ten miles, and were both exhausted when they returned home. Ryan had a rather difficult time catching her breath as they stood outside the family home, and Duffy was panting heavily. They climbed the stairs and were both surprised by the door being opened from the inside. Martin was grinning at them both as he took in the sight. Ryan was drenched with sweat, her hair plastered to her face and neck. Sweat ran down her face, dripping from her chin and trailing down her neck. Her bright red T-shirt was stained a dark crimson from the collar to her breasts. She forced a crooked grin at her father and asked, "Do we look as tired as I feel?"

"Duffy looks none the worse for wear, Sweetheart, but you look like you've been leggin' it!"

"I guess we did go a little farther than normal," she admitted. "I just wanted to make sure he was tired."

Her father looked at her with a gentle concern on his face, "You're already trying to make sure we can survive without you, aren't you, Darlin'?"

Ryan blushed a bit at his accurate assessment, and felt her lower lip start to quiver.

"I think you might have to take him with you, Sweetheart," he admitted. "I don't think he'll be happy without you." After a beat he added, "I know I won't."

The fragile control that she had managed burst apart immediately upon hearing this expression of emotion from her father. She threw her arms around his neck and cried in a way that she had not done since she was small. He embraced her tightly and held on as sobs wracked her body. It took a while, but she finally was composed enough to choke out, "I don't know if I can stand to be away, Da. Even though I think it's the right thing for us to do, it is incredibly hard for me to leave."

"Shhhh, shhhh, Sweetheart," he said as he patted her back and rocked her slowly in his arms. "It'll be okay, Siobhán. You'll be fine once you get settled in with Jamie. If you really don't like it, you can always come home. You know we’d love to have you back any time."

Ryan pulled back and tried to swipe away some of the tears from her eyes, wiping them with the handkerchief her father handed her. They finally went inside so she could get something to drink before she showered. She had managed to make herself somewhat presentable by the time they reached the kitchen, where she nearly ran into Conor. "What's wrong?" he asked immediately, his voice full of concern.

"Your sister's having a tough time of it," Martin responded, leaving it to his daughter to share her feelings if she chose to.

"What is it, Ryan?" Conor asked again, squatting down a bit so they were eye to eye. "Can I do anything to help?"

His obvious concern brought another flood of tears as she leaned heavily against her brother, who glanced up at Martin with a look of total confusion on his handsome face. Martin just shook his head as he stood next to his children and again patted her on the back. Conor was also rubbing her back and uttering soothing words to her as she continued to cry against his shoulder. After a long while she lifted her tear streaked face and said, "I'm sorry I'm being so emotional about leaving."

"Siobhán," her father said in a serious tone. "Don't you ever be ashamed about showing your family how much you love them. This is going to be hard for all of us, and it helps us to see that leaving has an impact on you too. How do you think we'd feel if you just upped and took off without a care?"

She gave him a small smile as she pulled away from Conor's embrace. "You're right, Da," she admitted. "This has made one thing clear, though. I'm only applying to graduate schools in the Bay area. I've learned that I'm not the kind of woman who can be too far from home."

"That's the best news I've heard all week," Martin said as he gave her another firm hug. "Now I'm off to work, or they'll have my head." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug before he turned abruptly and headed for his room. Ryan started after him, and heard him quickly open and close a dresser drawer. He emerged with a clean handkerchief, and as he headed down the stairs she could hear him sniffing away his tears.

Conor had followed his sister into the dining room and he slid his arm around her when he saw that another round of tears was on the way. He held her again as she tried to compose herself, but the emotion flowed from her unabated. He breathed a small sigh of relief when Jamie's blonde head poked up from the stairwell. She made eye contact with Conor and indicated that she'd take over, and he turned the shaken woman to gently guide her into Jamie's open arms. He indicated to Jamie that he would go make breakfast, then left them alone in the dining room.

Jamie sat down on one of the old mahogany dining chairs, and tugged Ryan down on her lap.
My God! How much does she weigh?
The chair groaned from the demands placed on its construction, but to her great relief it held firm. The dark head fell onto her chest, and Jamie spent long minutes rocking her and whispering words of love into her flushed ears. Ryan was overheated from her run, and the outpouring of emotion caused heat to radiate off of her body in waves. It reminded Jamie of Caitlin when she was very tired and very cranky, and she smiled just a bit when she considered how childlike her partner often was.
I would love to be able to let my feelings show in front of my family just once
, she wished silently.
Maybe someday
…

The sobs had now turned to sniffles, and when Jamie suggested a shower, Ryan nodded compliantly. Jamie urged her to her feet and took her clammy hand and led her to their room. She guided Ryan into the bath and started to wrangle her out of her wet clothes, but she mumbled, "I can do it myself."

"I know you can, but I’d like to baby you a little bit today. Do you mind?"

Jamie’s look was one of pure empathy, and Ryan could not refuse her request. She sniffled a little and shook her head just a bit to indicate her agreement. To aid her partner, she sat on the commode to provide better access to her long frame. As soon as they were both undressed, she led Ryan into the shower and let the warm spray rejuvenate her spent lover. Moving behind her, she lovingly washed her dark hair, then moved down her body, cleaning her with a tender, loving touch. Ryan soaked up the affection, not speaking a word, but obediently moving in whichever direction she was tugged.

When they were both clean and dry, Jamie led Ryan over to her desk chair and slowly freed her hair of all of its tangles and blew the dark tresses dry, pulling them into a long braid. As usual, the gentle brushing and braiding relaxed the larger woman, and Jamie knew it wouldn’t take much convincing to take her right back to bed. But they had too many things to accomplish today, and she knew Ryan would not wish to put them off.