Discipline (6 page)

Tobias nodded. "All right. I can see that. Connecting with me on that level made you feel... what? Like it used to?"

Phan nodded and then shook his head. He turned to Noah and touched his jaw gently. "I don’t feel like I'm his. Didn't even then, that night. You need to know that. I'm visiting. Not staying."

Noah smiled despite the slight uneasiness he was feeling. He wanted Phan to talk, to be honest, to get this stuff out. Whatever issues he still had could be addressed later. "It's okay, Phan," he said softly. "Just keep being honest; the truth is always okay."

"But you need to believe it, know it's true. I don't love him like you do, and he doesn't love me like that.

You two are on a whole other level, okay?" Phan smiled at him weakly. "And it was real nice to touch that. I guess I'm saying that it made me kind of lonely in the aftermath. That the weekend after was...

well. And since then?" Phan twisted to look at Tobias, still curled around Noah like a limpet. "Since then I've been foggy and clingy and needy, and you've both done so much. I feel like you're my friends, that I can touch that part of you again sometime."

Tobias looked a little concerned. "Phan, I need to be clear here. Are you asking for our friendship?

Because you have that. Are you looking for more?"

Phan shook his head. "No. I thought maybe I was, though. I think I scared Noah."

Noah laughed softly. "For a minute," Noah admitted. He sighed and just gave in a little. "Or maybe more than a minute. Maybe I'm still a little... off balance about it, but I believe you when you say that it's not what Sir and I have. You do love him, though, Phan, and I think you miss serving Sir more than you're admitting now. At least that's how it sounded to me earlier."

"I miss serving. And Sir was the best Master I ever had."

Tobias looked thoughtful. "I'll speak to Bradford," he said slowly. "I know that you two don't have that sort of relationship, but maybe if you were doing more of the... mundane acts of service it would help to balance you a bit. Are you subbing at all?"

"I'm supposed to be concentrating on therapy. I can't be flogged 'cause I'm without limits at this point --

it wouldn't be safe."

"That's not what I asked. I recommended Dr. Brewer because she's a submissive -- she lives with it, she knows what it is to serve. It's who you are, Phan, you can't just turn it off to think about something else."

Tobias stood up and began to pace. "Damn it, Bradford knows this, she does... what were they thinking?"

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Noah raised an eyebrow. "I don't think Phan has mentioned this to them yet, sir."

Tobias waved it off. "That's beside the point -- it's not his job to announce what his therapy should include, it's theirs to design a therapy that works, based on who he is."

Noah sighed. "Sir, if I may, telling Phan that his therapy has been inadequate thus far is probably not helpful right at this moment...?"

"And coddling him is?" Tobias sat down heavily. "Jesus. Phan, come here."

On Noah's lap, Phan shook his head.

Noah raised an eyebrow in surprise but didn't force Phan to move. The poor boy was already reacting physically to Tobias' protectiveness, and if he didn't want Tobias to know, Noah certainly wasn't going to tell him. "If it's all the same to you, he's all right over here, sir."

Tobias looked a little surprised. "I see. Phan?"

"I'd like to stay here, sir. With Noah. Please?" To Noah's ear he sounded almost desperate under the veneer of respect, but apparently it was enough to convince Tobias to back off.

"All right. I'll talk to Bradford in the morning and see if we can come up with something to occupy the submissive needs you have without getting into physical punishments. I don't suppose it would be tactful of me in any way to ask about sex?"

"Not unless you're offering," Phan shot back. "Sorry, Noah."

Noah shook his head at Phan. "It's just sex, Phan. Answer him."

Phan frowned. "I'm horribly disappointed in you," he said dramatically before settling down. "If you all must know, I haven't been with anyone since before the wonderful weekend in the white room."

"Since the scene with us," Tobias clarified.

"Since the scene with you two." Phan sighed.

"And before that?" Noah asked. The question sort of popped out of his mouth before he thought about it.

"You are a horrible, horrible person. I think I'm going to go sit with Sir now."

"It's just a question," Noah said simply.

"It's a mean question." Phan pouted at him. "Not all of us have... ah, shit." Phan deflated, both literally and figuratively, and slumped against him. "Just over a year, I think."

Noah glanced at Tobias, then back at Phan. "Well, that might have something to do with how intense it was for you, then, yeah?"

Phan shrugged. "Probably. And Sir. Can't forget that."

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Tobias stood up and crossed to the couch, sitting carefully at the other end. "I want to help, Phan. You know that, it's what I've spent the last seven weeks doing. But I need to know what you want, as well as what you need."

"I don't know, do I?" Phan said. "I'm just trying to heal."

Noah loosened his grip on Phan a bit. "Don't be defensive with him, Phan," Noah said softly in his ear.

"He wants to help."

"Everyone wants to help," Phan said flatly. "But no one knows what to do. There doesn't seem to be much point right now. I mean, it isn't like I'm ever going to be normal, is it? Not like I'll be able to have a real relationship, or find a decent job, or be able to stop aching all the time."

Phan was lifted off his lap so suddenly that Noah wasn’t sure what had happened until he saw Phan sobbing in Tobias' arms.

"Call Bradford, please," Tobias said softly. "Tell him we're bringing Phan home and it might be a good idea to call Dr. Brewer."

Noah reached over and picked up the phone, and within minutes arrangements were made and they were all out the door.

Tobias carried Phan into Bradford's townhouse, trying to monitor both the weeping Phantom and the quietly coping Noah. He hoped Noah would be able to maintain his calm until Phan was under someone else's care; he suspected he'd be taking Noah next door to the club in fairly short order, if only to reestablish a few basic truths of their relationship.

"Dr. Brewer is on her way, Tobias," Bradford said as they came through the door. "Go on into the living room. Hello, Noah. Too much for you tonight, was he?"

"Hello, Master Bradford," Noah said softly and knelt on the floor next to the sofa where Tobias had taken Phan. He looked worried, and Tobias wouldn't have been surprised if there was some guilt in there, too.

"Easy, sweetheart," he murmured, petting Noah with one hand. He shifted Phan to the cushions and off his lap, sitting next to the boy instead of holding him. "Phan, Dr. Brewer is on her way. You must talk to her."

Phan wept and drew himself into a ball. With a sigh, Tobias looked at Noah and petted him again.

"Noah, would you hold him please? Just until the doctor gets here."

Noah complied quickly, climbing up on the couch and pulling Phan into his arms. "I'm sorry," his whispered into Phan's ear once he was close.

Bradford cleared his throat. "I'll just wait outside for Dr. Brewer then, shall I?" he asked, and then he withdrew, leaving the three of them alone.

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"It's not your fault, Noah," Tobias said softly, smoothing one hand down Noah's back. "This isn't something you caused or could have prevented. It merely is."

Phan sniffled, his arms wrapping around Noah. "Don't do this," he pleaded. "I don't want to feel like... I can't take the weight of your guilt, Noah."

Tobias shushed him gently, the hand on Noah's back still petting, his other hand wiping Phan's tears. "He means he doesn't want you to feel like it's your fault because it isn't. It hurts him that you're hurting."

Noah nodded. "Okay, Phan, okay," he whispered, cradling Phan in his arms and talking softly. "I know it's not my fault, okay? I just feel bad that you're having to go through this. I'm not hurting, I'm just concerned about you, as a friend, you know? That's all, I promise."

Tobias nodded and pressed a kiss to Noah's forehead. He ached for both of them, and his anger grew with every tear that streaked Phantom's face. Not once had he ever heard Phan say things like it not being worth it, that he wasn't worth it. He'd taken on pain that Tobias could never have carried, but he'd never said it was too much.

Facing the pain appeared to be harder than carrying it.

"Phantom," a voice from the door said, and Tobias looked up to see a woman come in. She looked worried and rushed, and she tossed her coat onto a couch as she crossed the room.

Tobias stood up. "Dr. Brewer?"

"Yes." She looked at him and then moved past him to Phan. "Dr. Vincent, I take it?"

"Yes, and this is Noah." He watched as she smiled warmly at Noah, making no move to extricate Phan from his embrace.

"Hello, Noah," she said easily. "How are you doing, Phan?"

"He's doing just fine," Tobias said acidly.

She stood and turned to face him, one brow up. "I am not your submissive, Dr. Vincent, I am Phantom's doctor. If you continue to speak to me like that, I'll have you removed."

Tobias said nothing, but he stood a little straighter and looked at her, meeting her gaze with a steely look.

"And if you try to top me like that again," she said sweetly, "I won't even speak to you after I talk to Phan. Now," she said, turning to Noah, "if you would be so good as to tell me what happened?"

Noah, clearly concerned about the power struggle, glanced up at Tobias before speaking and waited for his nod.

"Phantom and I were at my place talking, like we do every week, and I'm sure you know that sometimes it's a teary evening and sometimes we just have fun..." He swallowed. "Anyway, tonight we got to talking about New Year's Eve, and a scene that Sir and Phan and I had together, and his feelings associated with that, so I invited Sir over to join the conversation, since it involved all three of us, you know?"

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Noah stroked Phan's hair and kissed his forehead. "And maybe it was talking about the relationship I have with Sir that set him off, but then he just got upset and said that it didn't matter, no one knew what was wrong with him and no one knew how to help -- that he'd never have a normal relationship with anyone, and he was always going to be this way. That's when we called you."

Tobias opened his mouth and her hand went up. "After, Dr. Vincent. Right now I think I'd like to spend some time with Phan." She smiled at Noah and nodded. "Thankyou, Noah. You've done exactly what he needed. Phan, let go of Noah now, and we'll talk."

Slowly Phan untangled himself. "Noah. It's really not your fault, I promise."

"I know, Phan. I believe you. Honest. Please don't worry about me." Noah touched his face and then got up off the couch.

Tobias held a hand out to Noah, drawing him in. "Phantom," he said before Dr. Brewer could stop him again. "You must tell her all of it."

Phan sat up and stared at the floor. "Yes, sir," he said softly.

Tobias nodded. "I'll be waiting, doctor. You and I need to have a talk."

She looked at him again and then at Phan. With a sigh she nodded. "Within limits, yes. But not until I've spoken to Phan. With all due respect, Master Tobias, get out."

Tobias touched Noah's shoulder and led them out, not really wanting to leave Phan but knowing that they had to, that it was best. As they left the room he sighed. "You did exceptionally well, pet, and I t hankyou for it."

Noah turned and wrapped his arms around Tobias' waist, pressing his face into Tobias' chest. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked you to come over? Maybe I should have just left it alone when he wanted to change the subject. I only wanted to help, and look at him now. Maybe these visits are a bad idea."

"Tsk," Bradford clucked at him from across the hall.

"Listen to me," Tobias said roughly. "None of that. You did the right thing -- how is helping him hide a good thing? And these visits of yours are the best thing for both of you -- he needs to be friends with someone, he needs to feel safe. I thought you liked spending time with him, pet?"

"I do, but it's never been this bad before, sir. I've never felt like I couldn't handle it." Noah sighed and let go. "I do enjoy his visits. We mostly have fun. He's so sweet, how could anyone do those things to him?"

"I don't know," Tobias said softly. He'd asked himself that time and time again, had even looked into the faces of the people who were supposed to protect the child Phan had been. He hadn't found any answers.

He held Noah to him and stroked his back, hoping to soothe his boy. "Bradford, there's something we should discuss. Phan's not subbing, and it's hurting him."

"You think so? Phan hasn't subbed regularly in a very long time, you know, Tobias. Not since you and he split, as far as I know. He and I have never had that kind of relationship. He came to me to be--"

Bradford sighed. "For scenes and that was all."

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Tobias shook his head. "Not like that, Bradford. I mean chores, serving. I mean giving him some sort of purpose, man! You are what you are, and he is what he is, and he's had everything taken from him --

even pain. He's without an anchor." He tightened his arms on Noah and took a deep breath, trying to control his temper.

Bradford raised an eyebrow and took a step toward Tobias. He looked Tobias in the eye and his jaw clenched before he spoke. "You need to take a more respectful tone with me, Tobias. You have no right

-- no right -- to take issue with me regarding my efforts to help Phantom. I have made myself sick over him. You have no idea. I broke him, I took him in, I have kept him safe and comfortable, I have sat with him through nights of nightmares and tears -- I defy you to tell me that I am not doing enough for him. If you think he needs something more, something else I could offer him, I'm happy to discuss it with you, but leave your anger at the door. Is that clear?"