Disarm (4 page)

“Sounds like Jason,” Henry replied with a rueful smile. He pressed his palm to my cheek. “I think he knew. I was always asking about you, trying to sneak your name into conversations. Every time we talked about coming back home, he'd ask me if I was looking forward to seeing you, but I'd just ignore him.”

I beamed so hard my cheeks hurt. “You wanted to
huuuug
me, you wanted to
kiiiss
me,” I said in a singsong voice.

He sat up and tickled me and we wriggled around on the bed like children until his cell phone vibrated on the nightstand. He looked at the caller ID and said, “I need to take this.”

I went to use the bathroom to give him some privacy. On my way back out, I caught a glimpse in the mirror that gave me pause. My hair was tangled and any trace of makeup had been wiped off my face, and yet I looked positively delirious with happiness. I finally saw the glow Henry had been talking about.

He was wearing pants and a grave expression when I rejoined him on the bed.

“What's up?” I asked. “Everything okay?”

“That was the commander,” he said in a voice that made the hairs on my arms rise.

I didn't want to hear whatever bad news was coming, but I had asked for honesty and it was too late to take it back. “What is it?”

“The deployment date has been changed.”

A hopeful little thought bubbled up from my chest. “It's been pushed back?”

“It's been moved up.”

I spoke around the thought that had lodged painfully in my throat. “When?”

A gloom settled over Henry's handsome features. “To this Saturday. As in two days from now.”

That was about the time I fell off the swing and fell face-first onto the ground.

OVER AND OUT

We held each other that night, never once losing contact as we slept. I clutched him to my chest, afraid of losing his warmth, and in turn he nestled me in his arms with his lips pressed to my head.

I woke with a start around two a.m., nearly hyperventilating from the thought that I hadn't even told him how I felt. “Wake up,” I whispered against his chest, pulling away.

He was hard to rouse after the night we'd had, but I needed to tell him. We were fast running out of time. “Henry, wake up.”

“Yes?” he rasped, keeping his eyes closed. He pulled me back against his chest.

“I have to tell you something.”

“Can you tell me tomorrow? I was having a nice dream.”

I pushed against him. “No, you need to know now.”

His eyes remained shut. “So . . . ?”

“I love you,” I whispered.

Henry was so still that if it weren't for his rapid heartbeat, I might have thought he had fallen back asleep.

I pushed up to one elbow. “I said I'm in love with you.”

One corner of his mouth curled up. “I already know.”

“What? For how long?”

He finally opened his eyes and fixed them on me. “You've always been in love with me. You just needed time to remember.”

“But . . .”

He laughed at my dumbfounded expression and pulled me back down into his arms. “I love you too, Els. Now go back to sleep.”

I wanted to call in sick the next day, but Henry had a lot of last-minute things to take care of, like making sure his training and medical papers were up to date. “I also have to update my will,” he said as we sipped our morning coffee with me sitting on his lap.

His will.

My spine stiffened, that one word bursting my happy little bubble. All of a sudden my fears came racing back, crushing my lungs.

Henry felt the sudden change of mood. He squeezed my side and said, “I will be okay. Updating my will is just customary.”

I stood up and faced him, intent on swallowing my fears. “Of course it is,” I said, giving him one last kiss. “Well, I should get going.”

His hands rested on the back of my legs and slid up my skirt. “Have a good day,” he said huskily, his fingers playing with the edge of my panties.

I kissed him and pulled away. “Bye.”

I ate my lunch at my desk, turning my head every time someone walked by, hoping that Henry had found a sliver of time to come see me again, but he didn't come. I stared at that red rose sitting inside an empty glass water bottle and ate my food like a zombie. I couldn't even tell you what I put in my mouth, I was so out of it.

After work I rushed home, jittery with the knowledge that the seconds were ticking by. As I drove I convinced myself to live for the moment, to pretend that tomorrow didn't exist—and almost succeeded until I walked in the living room and found a pile of his stuff on the floor. Two dark green duffel bags with his name embroidered on the side, folded ABUs, tan boots, gloves, a helmet. My heart stopped when my eyes rested on a body armor vest. I picked it up, wondering how it could possibly protect Henry when it hadn't been enough to save my brother.

This was really happening. Henry was really going to leave tomorrow.

I dropped the vest, suddenly too exhausted to even hold myself up. I sank to the floor and stared at the deployment pile, trying to convince my lungs to simply keep breathing.

“I didn't know you were ho—” Henry stopped when he saw me. I must have looked like a hot mess, but he didn't mention it. “I have something to show you.” He held out his hand and pulled me up off the floor. We walked through the living room and he opened the sliding door that led to the balcony.

“I wanted you to have your camping trip,” he said, stepping aside so I could see. He had placed one of our kitchen rugs on the cement balcony and erected a tent on it. Beside it stood a camping stove and two metal skewers.

I peered into the tent and found our sleeping bags zipped together to make one oversized one. “Nice.”

“But there's more,” he said and produced a box of graham crackers, a bar of Hershey's chocolate, and a bag of marshmallows.

“You've thought of everything, Captain Logan,” I said with the best smile I could manage. I gave him a kiss, pushing the sad thoughts to the back of my head, pretending for at least tonight that the pile of stuff in the living room didn't exist.

Having sex in a tent is not that hard, but when you're suspended three floors up with a six-foot-two man on top of you, it can get downright tricky. So we switched positions and I rode him, hoping that the tent's walls were not in any way transparent. My head kept hitting the metal rods, so I had to bend down, which provided Henry ample access to my breasts. He grasped them in his hands, devouring each one in turn, while I rocked back and forth carefully. I tried to memorize the way he filled me up, the sexy growl he made when I squeezed him extra hard. He was in so deep, he was pressing against my core.

I covered his mouth with my own when I came, afraid to make too much noise should the neighbors overhear, but what I really wanted to do was shout, to rant and rave that it wasn't fair. I had finally found the love of my life but now he had to leave. I pressed all of the emotion into a kiss, knowing that Henry shared it with me, felt it with me. We were nothing if not two parts of a greater whole.

Later, we unzipped the roof canopy and looked up at the stars as we lay wrapped up in each other. The evening air was cool but Henry was warm and chased away the chills brought on by the fear.

“Are you scared?” I asked, playing with his dog tags, trying not to think of what they represented.

“No. This is what I've been training for,” he said. “A lot of people will be relying on me to keep them safe.”

Then whose job was it to keep Henry safe?

“I'm sure you'll be fine,” I said, pushing the thought away. Maybe it would come true if I said it enough.

“Els,” he began tentatively. “What do you want this,
us,
to be?”

I twisted my head to look up at him. “What do you want?”

“I want you to be mine only,” he said and added with a grin, “and wearing that Lara Croft costume at all times, but for my eyes only.”

“Greedy.”

He fixed that intense blue gaze on me. “I've waited a hell of a long time for you. I'm not about to share with anyone else.”

“I want you all to myself too,” I said. “And if anyone tries to steal you from me, I will shank a bitch.”

I felt the vibrations through his chest as he chuckled. “So it's settled. You're my girlfriend.”

“It's settled,” I said with a happy little nod. “What would you have done if I'd said I wanted to see other people?”

He shrugged, his confidence so disarming. “Never even occurred to me.”

Henry gently shook me awake from a nightmare, pulling me away from the gunshots and blood. “You were having a bad dream again,” he said, rubbing my arm.

“I wasn't screaming, was I?”

“No. You were breathing weird, almost like you were sobbing.”

It was early yet and I was still sleepy, but I fought to keep my eyes open if only to keep the gory images away. I couldn't even think about who would comfort me from the bad dreams once Henry left. I guess it would have to be me for a while.

He reached for the watch he'd hung on the tent rod. “Go back to sleep. It's only five.”

“Henry,” I whispered, pressing a hand to his chest. “Make love to me.”

His heart began to race under my palm and I knew what he was thinking, what we were both refusing to acknowledge: that this was the final time we would be making love before he boarded that plane.

His voice broke when he said, “I love you, Elsie.” He kissed me as he lifted my leg. I gasped when he pushed his way in, my raw nerves singing as he filled me once more. We made love on our sides, he grasping my hip for leverage as he drove into me. His movements were less gentle, more urgent, and I matched him, trying to prolong the end that would inevitably come. But all too soon, I came shuddering around him, which triggered his own release. He clutched at my hip, gripping me to him as he gasped against my ear.

“I love you so much,” I choked out, hugging him so tightly I could barely breathe. “Come back to me.”

All too soon, the time came to say good-bye. We stood in the parking lot on base, a motley crew of airmen and their families. Henry held my hand as we stood on the outer edges of the crowd watching people say their good-byes even before the bus arrived to take them to the hangar.

I was keeping my cool relatively well under the circumstances. Every time a sob bubbled up from my chest, I held my breath and counted to five. It was working until I saw a family—mother, father, and their daughter of about four. The woman was the one in uniform and her eyes were already red with tears. She took a deep breath, bent down to her daughter's eye level and told her to be strong for Daddy. That she loved her and would miss her. The child nodded bravely even as her lips trembled. When the woman tried to stand, her daughter grabbed her sleeve. “Mom, don't go,” she said in her tiny voice and broke her mother's tear ducts wide open.

I completely lost it.

I turned away from Henry so that he wouldn't have to see my face crumpling, but he knew; he squeezed my hand and pulled me into his side, holding my head against his chest as he protected me one last time. I sobbed into him, trying to breathe in his scent through the thick material of his ABUs. Finally, when the signal to load the bus came, I took a deep breath and gathered myself.

Henry lifted my chin and kissed me tenderly. “I'll be back soon, don't worry,” he said with a cocky grin that didn't quite meet his eyes. “Six months will fly by.”

“I'll be waiting.” I watched him pick up his bags and walk off, craning my neck when he was swallowed into the crowd, trying to catch one last glimpse of the man who had captured my heart and was now taking it to Afghanistan. I didn't see him again until after the bus began to pull away and I saw him waving through the dark window a moment before the bus turned the corner.

And then Henry was gone.

BESIEGE

TENDING THE HOME FIRES

Henry Logan was gone. Just like that, the bus turned the corner and he was gone from my sight.

Not going to lie, that was one of the hardest things I've endured.

I drove his Mustang home from base with tears streaming down my face. I didn't care; I'd just said good-bye to my best friend, my roommate, and the love of my life. If that doesn't make me deserving of a moment of blubbering weakness then I don't know what does.

Even the cop who pulled me over for speeding on I-45 took one look at the hot mess that I was and knew. “Coming from base?” he asked.

I nodded, wiping at my face, not wanting him to think that I was turning on the waterworks to get out of a ticket. “Yeah.”

“Deployment?”

I nodded again. I was going to get my very first speeding ticket—my first ticket period—on the same day I lost the first love of my life. And thus, I brought balance back to the Force.

“My stepson left today as well,” the cop said.

“Sucks, doesn't it?” I asked, sniffling.

He laughed. “Not for me.” He looked at my license and Henry's insurance card and handed them back. “I'll let you go with just a warning.”

Really?
“Really?”

“Deployments are tough,” he said. “Just keep it under sixty-five, all right?”

I gave him a smile, his mercy the bright spot in my otherwise bleary day. “Thank you, officer. I will.”

I dreaded walking into our apartment, and for good reason it turned out, because as soon as I walked inside, the loneliness almost suffocated me, as if Henry's absence sucked out all the oxygen from the building.

“I can do this,” I said out loud.

Saturday had barely begun; the whole weekend stretched out for miles in front of me, with wallowing and crying as my unwanted passengers.

Determined not to go down that road, I changed into my running gear and went to Earlywine Park, hoping the running endorphins would do something to lift my mood.

After an hour of running, I didn't feel the high that usually comes after a great workout. Instead I'd successfully exhausted my body so that I could barely stand straight as I took a shower, which only added to the general feeling of gloom that I wore like a second skin. That night, I crawled into Henry's bed, afraid of waking up alone from a nightmare.

I slept on the center of the mattress, hugging his pillow to my chest and inhaling his scent. With my eyes closed, I could almost convince myself that he was sleeping beside me but almost, in this case, just wasn't good enough.

The next six months were going to be hell.

Beth Belnap invited me out to dinner the next night. Her boyfriend, Sam, had also deployed so we were in the same shitty boat with a six-month-long horizon ahead of us. This was the second deployment Beth had endured and had all sorts of nuggets of wisdom to impart.

“It'll get easier, I promise,” she said as we sipped our drinks and waited for our dinner.

I nodded, glad to know that someone had been through it before and come out sane. “I hope sooner than later. I'm tired of crying.”

She gave me a sympathetic look. “The first time is always the worst.”

“Does it get easier at night? Do you miss having him in bed with you?”

Beth raised her eyebrows. “I thought you and Henry were roommates?”

“Oh. I guess you might not know yet,” I said, putting down my margarita glass. “But a few days after that night at Tapwerks, Henry told me he loved me and things . . . just kind of happened.”

Beth laughed. “Oh my God, I totally called it. When you guys were on the dance floor, I told Sam that there was definitely something going on there. You two were looking at each other with all this sexual tension. It looked like Henry was about to maul you right then and there.”

I blushed, remembering the first time I'd ever seen Henry as more than just a brother figure, when he'd pressed himself into me on the dance floor and had uttered innuendo in my ear. Only seven days had elapsed since that night yet it felt like forever ago. “This past week has been . . . intense,” I said.

Beth's smile faded. “Then this is extra hard for you. Being so new to the relationship and all,” she said. “I went through that with Sam's first deployment. We'd only been dating a month before he left. It was hell.” She patted my hand on the table.

“This past week has been a roller coaster,” I said, trying to keep the tears in check. I took a steadying breath and tried a grin. “So, when do you stop crying at the drop of a hat?”

“The first time took about a month, for me at least.”

I blew out a breath. “Okay. That seems like a long time,” I said. “But at least I'll eventually stop missing him so much, right?”

She shook her head. “I think it's more like you just get mentally tougher, so you learn to avoid dwelling on the fact that he's gone.”

“How do I do that?”

“I'm not sure. You just do it. When you start thinking about how much you miss him, just distract yourself. Put on a movie, read a book, do anything. Just don't give any thought to how much you miss him.”

“Does that actually work?”

She shrugged. “Sometimes.”

I didn't hear from Henry until the Tuesday after he left. I tried to take Beth's advice and keep myself occupied but it was impossible to concentrate without knowing Henry had made it to Bagram Air Base safely. I was beginning to think I wouldn't be able to focus on anything for the next six months.

Then on Tuesday morning, at some godawful time, my cell phone began to ring. I was instantly alert and cried into the phone, “Henry?”

“Hey, Els!” Hearing his voice felt like heaven; it caressed down my back and loosened the knot of worry around my heart. “We made it. We're here.”

I sat up, glad to finally have some time to talk. “I'm happy to hear that. It's so good to hear your voice.”

“You too. How are you?” he asked.

“Absolutely miserable,” I said.

“Listen, I have to get going. Other guys have to call home,” he said. “I love you, Elsie. I miss you so much already.”

“I love you too,” I responded, and much too quickly, the call ended. I hugged his pillow to my chest and for the first time in so many days, I finally breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Henry was okay.

Three days down, a bajillion more to go.

The first week of deployment was definitely the toughest. The imbalance to my routine was terrifying, and I often fumbled around like I'd forgotten a step. At night I sat in the apartment, feeling so lonely I thought I'd go out of my mind, and watching those sappy romcoms that Henry refused to sit through certainly didn't help—in fact, it had the opposite effect.

My body also physically ached from missing him, a feeling that was wholly new to me. After Jason died I missed him intensely but I never felt an ache in my bones, as if I were walking around with a missing limb, like I was currently experiencing with Henry.

Then it started to get better. Thankfully.

After that initial month, I finally started to sleep in my own bed again. Partly because I missed my pillowtop mattress, but also because I knew I couldn't sleep in Henry's bed forever. It was high time I put on my big-girl panties and sleep in my big-girl bed.

Henry called as often as he could, which amounted to a five-minute call every four or five days, but he emailed almost every day. He mostly talked about the base and his job, but sometimes he'd write out long, graphic emails detailing what he wanted to do to me. Those emails would get me so aroused, I eventually had to go into the back of my closet and break out my stash of battery-operated buddies.

The best part of Henry's emails was always at the end, when he'd write that he loved and missed me, that he couldn't wait to come home to me. I didn't think I'd ever tire of seeing those words.

In the third month, the emails stopped. So, too, did the phone calls. I called Beth in a mild state of panic, and she confirmed that she hadn't heard from Sam either.

“But they're probably just on a base comm lockdown or something,” she said. “They do that from time to time.”

She promised she would call if she heard anything, so I sat on my hands, trying to remain cool. I waited with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, that little ball of dread growing with each passing moment.

One night, while I was trying to distract myself with a
Firefly
marathon, my cell phone rang with a call from an unknown Oklahoma number. The caller turned out to be David Novak, Henry's buddy from another squadron on Tinker.

“Hey, Elsie,” he said. “How are you doing?”

“I'm okay. Trying to keep busy. You?”

“Doing good. Just got back from a TDY in Vegas.”

TDY stood for Temporary Duty, a trip that sometimes lasted a few days, sometimes weeks. “Sounds rough.”

“Oh, it was. All that sun, booze, gambling, women. I'm exhausted.” He laughed. “Anyway, Logan asked me to check up on you before he left. So this is me checking up on you.”

My heart warmed at the thought. “That's sweet. Thanks, I'm fine.” I bit my lip, wondering if I was crossing any boundaries, but ultimately decided the question needed to be asked. “Although, I did want to ask if you'd heard anything from Bagram.”

Dave was quiet for a long time. Too long.

My heart began to beat at double speed. “Is Henry okay?”

He cleared his throat. “Well, it hasn't been released to the media yet. So I can't tell you.”

“It?”

“There was an incident.”

The hair rose on my arms. “But is Henry . . . Is he okay?”

Dave sighed. He was in the same squadron that my brother was in, knew that Jason's death hit me hard. “Yeah. He's fine.”

I breathed a sigh of relief all the way down to my toes. “Thanks, Dave.”

“Just keep an eye out. I'll be able to tell you more about it once the media starts squawking.”

“I will. Thanks.”

“So, hey, a bunch of us are going out this Friday. Do you want to come?”

“Sure, why not.” That's one Friday that I wouldn't have to spend alone.

“The other guys are bringing their girlfriends, so you won't be the only girl,” he said.

I smiled, the first real one in so many weeks. “Sounds like fun.”

Dave insisted on picking me up on Friday night and I accepted, not really eager to walk around Bricktown in the dark by myself. Everyone was already there when we arrived, and they greeted us with drunken shouts and cheers. I played fast and loose with the alcohol, glad that for once my thoughts were not being monopolized by a certain tall, dark, and sexy man.

“Hey, did you see on the news today?” Kelsie, the wife of one of the captains, asked as we sat around the booth. “The base was attacked.”

Dave nudged me with his elbow, letting me know that this was what he had been referring to.

“What happened?” I asked. “I haven't had a chance to watch the news.” Honestly, I'd actually been avoiding any coverage on Operation Enduring Freedom for fear of picking up more unfounded fears. Remaining ignorant about the goings-on in Afghanistan meant less ammo for my nightmares.

“A suicide bomber drove a passenger van with a VBIED to the gate and shot the poor guy on duty,” Kelsie said.

“VBIED?” I asked.

“Vehicle Borne Improvised Explosive Device,” Dave said. “The fucker was killed before he could get on base, but he managed to detonate the bomb and take out the gate and a large portion of the fence. A few of the buildings nearby also sustained damage.”

My heart was pounding wildly even as I told myself that Henry was fine. Still, at least one person had been hurt in the attack “Were there any casualties?”

I looked up at Dave, who was nodding solemnly. “One airman was shot and killed, while another lost his leg to flying debris.”

I covered my mouth and realized that my hand was trembling. It could have just as easily been Henry at the gate that day.

Dave noticed my immediate change in mood and began to rub my back. “Do you want to get some air?” he whispered.

I nodded and tried a polite smile for the rest of the table. “Sorry, guys. I just need a few moments.”

“You okay?” Kelsie asked.

I swallowed hard, feeling the familiar tightness in my chest. “My brother was killed in Afghanistan,” I said and excused myself before they could ask questions.

Dave accompanied me outside, standing awkwardly by with his hands in his pockets as I paced the sidewalk.

“You should go inside,” I told him, taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. “It's cold out here.”

He smiled crookedly. “I'm not about to let you stand out here by yourself.” He kicked at a discarded bottle cap on the ground. “I'm sorry about your brother. Jason was a really good guy.”

I nodded. “Yeah, he was.”

“He was so proud of you, you know.”

I looked away, wanting to hide the tears that were threatening to fall. “He talked about me?”

“Yeah, all the time,” Dave said. “Logan too. He's always talking about you.”

That brought an unexpected smile to my face.

Dave came closer and rubbed my shoulders, a touch that seemed comforting at first, until it went on a little too long. I frowned up at him and opened my mouth to ask what he was doing when he bent down and touched his lips to mine.

I pulled away as if electrocuted. “What—”

Dave held his hands up and took a step back. “I'm sorry.”

“What were you doing?”

“I think I was trying to kiss you.”

“I know that,” I said. “But why?”

“Because I like you?” he said, the end of the sentence lilting up as if he was asking a question.

I paused, wondering if Dave was a slimy jerk or if he was just not aware of the situation. “You do know that Henry and I are together, right?”