Dirty Old Man (A True Story) (17 page)

He pushed me through the door and my gown fell open, exposing me in front of his friends. My face was red with shame.

     “I suggest you apologise to Ady and Tony, they expected a glass of wine with their dinner and once again, you fucked everything up.”

     “I’m sorry.” I said, looking at them from underneath my wet hair strewn across my face.

     “Don’t worry about it;” said Tony, “it’s only bloody wine Bernie for crying out loud.”

Ady said nothing but gave me the most disgusting look I’d ever seen. As though I’d served him a plate of actual shit for his dinner.

He launched me back into the kitchen and I ran through to the bathroom to cry. I didn’t lock the door though, I knew better than that.

I could hear them shouting in the living room and my heart turned to lead as I knew it was my fault.

     “Jesus Christ Bernie, why did you do that?” I heard Tony shout. I thought he was trying to protect me but it wouldn’t last despite his efforts. Not after he left.

     “Because she’s from a fucked up family, that’s why. She needs to learn some discipline and respect.”

     Stacey lived on the same road as me, though we were at separate ends. We walked home together every day and I was always worried that she’d try and follow me home one day, and discover I lived in a squalid caravan.

We’d have to walk past the mobile home park to get to her house, and she’d always ask if she could come over. I’d make up some excuse that I had to go to Asda, anything to stop her discovering the life I was living. The shame of everybody at school knowing was too much to bear.

     “So what number do you live at then?” She asked me, “I thought it was just industrial units at the other end of the road, oh and a mobile home park.”

I went stone cold when she said this.

      After school, me and Stacey would walk down the River Nene. We’d creep in behind Matalan and walk down the South bank. Bernie had a friend who lived down there on a canal boat though I can’t recall his name; we’d wave as we passed his floating palace that was permanently moored.

That day I went to the shop near her house on the way home. She must have followed me back because I heard her shout my name, when I turned I saw her standing at the mobile home park entrance. I thought the game was up.

     “Why didn’t you tell me that you lived here? She said, “It’s nothing to be ashamed of really, my aunty lives around here too.”

She must have been able to tell the shame in my face but I tried to act unfazed. Then she asked to see the caravan I lived in. I felt so ashamed but the situation couldn’t have gotten much worse so I took her and showed her around.

     “I can see why you were embarrassed now,” she joked, “it’s a bit of a shit hole isn’t it? But it’s your own place and that’s cool. Do you live here with anybody else?”

     “A friend.” I said.

     “A man friend?”

I nodded.

     “A boyfriend then?”

     “No just a friend.”

     “Ah, so it’s just about the sex then?” she giggled and I shuddered inside.  “So when will I get to meet him? Will he be back anytime soon?”

     “No,” I said, “I’ve got to meet him in town because we need to go to Asda; he doesn’t like people being here when he gets in work because he’s always tired.”

     “You’re always at bloody Asda,” she laughed, “I’m having a party next Friday if you want to bring him along so we can all meet him?”

I was relieved to have a way out of this one.

     “Can’t do Fridays because we go over to Leicester to train.”

     “Never mind, I’m sure there’ll be other times then.”

I walked her back down the road to her house, I didn’t really need to go to Asda, I just wanted her out of the way before Bernie came home. With him about ten minutes away, I ducked past the wall in front of Stacey’s house and ran down the road back to the caravan.

She remained my friend afterwards, despite seeing where I was living; she didn’t mention it to people at school either, for which I was relieved.

     We continued to take walks down the river after school, but one day that would change.

I remember that day so vividly. Stacey was wearing a black velvet choker with the word ’BITCH’ hanging from it in metal and I was suffering from terrible hay fever.

     “I’ve got something I need to tell you,” she said, “it’s something I’ve been worried about for a little while now, telling people - that is.”

     “What’s that?”

     “I’m bi-sexual Moll,” she examined my face for a reaction, “There are a few girls in school I’m attracted to, including you.”

I almost laughed when she spoke of it in such a flippant manner.

I was sixteen and immature, I’d just made my first friend and she fancied me. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and felt our friendship was over.

     “I’m not like ‘that’ you do understand don’t you?”

     “Why not? Loads of people at our school are bi-sexual. You don’t have a problem with it do you?”

     “Look, Stacey, I’m just not really comfortable talking about it at the minute okay?”             

I walked away, leaving her standing on the embankment. I was a little shocked and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. She called out after me but I didn’t turn around. I wasn’t against her lifestyle choice at all; I just wish she hadn’t told me that she found me attractive. All my life, things had been about sex. My dad, Bernie, Bernie’s dad; and now Stacey. Sex to me, was something dirty.

     As I walked home in tears, I thought about what my parents had said. Maybe they were right and I didn’t deserve to have friends. Perhaps I did leave a trail of broken hearts wherever I went. I felt bad for Stacey but I wished she hadn’t burdened me with her problems; I was going through enough turmoil myself.

     Bernie was already at the caravan when I got back. I knew he’d be angry but I felt so low that I was almost beyond caring.

     “Where the hell have you been?” He said as I walked in, he didn’t take his eyes from the computer screen. We’d finally got dial up internet and he was talking to a young boy in the Yahoo chat rooms as he had been doing so for nearly a week.

     “I’ve been with Stacey.” I sniffed.

     “Is that the one from school? What does she look like?”

     “She’s blonde, we’ve fallen out.”

     “I’m not surprised, you never seem able to keep friends Moll, maybe it’s because you’re a complete bitch to everybody.”

I took of my coat and ignored him.

     “So why did you fall out?”

     “She came on to me and I didn’t like it.” I sniffed.

     “She’s a lesbian then?”

     “No, she’s bi-sexual.”

     “And that’s a problem for you?” He turned to look at me with his eyebrows raised.”

     “It isn’t a problem, just a bit of a shock that’s all.”

     “I told you you’re a bitch, you’d better make up with her. I think it would be cool to have a lesbian around.”

     “She’d bi-sexual,” I repeated, “I’m going to let the dust settle and then I’ll try talking to her, she was upset when I left.”

     “I’m not surprised,” he jumped up, “come on, get your coat back on.”

     “Why? Where are we going?”

     “We’re going to Stacey’s house so that you can apologise to her, then you’ll invite her round for dinner tomorrow.”

     “No Bernie, I’m not doing it.” I insisted the horror of Stacey meeting Bernie was too much to bear; this would destroy what was left of my life.

     “I don’t know where she lives.”

      “Don’t you lie to me you silly cow, you were round at her house not long ago because you went to her seventeenth birthday party. Have I refreshed your memory yet?”

He bundled me into the car and I sat scared and shaking, my stomach turning in cartwheels.

We drove past Tracey’s house and I didn’t give anything away. Bernie pulled into a petrol station.

     “I’m going to fill up now, if you don’t remember where she lives, I’ll send you door to door.” He shouted and my eardrums felt as though they were going to burst. “We can stay out all bloody night if we have to.”

He went inside to pay for his petrol and I turned icy cold. I saw Stacey and her mum come out of the petrol station carrying a pint of milk. It was an absolutely cruel, horrid coincidence.

I fiddled with the sun visor as they walked to their car, desperate not to be spotted.

They walked past and I was relieved. Then a tap came at the window.

     “I thought it was you Moll,” said Stacey, “I’m really sorry about earlier, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

     “Don’t worry about it,” I said distracted as I kept my eye on Bernie at the checkout, “I’ll speak to you tomorrow about it okay?”

     “Okay but you’re not going to tell anybody about it at school are you?”

     “No, don’t worry everything’s fine.”

Why wouldn’t she just leave and get back in her mums car? I could see Bernie laughing and joking with the young checkout assistant as he often did. I wanted Stacey to leave before he came back. Why wouldn’t she just get into the damn car before it was too late?

     “I was wondering if you wanted to do something this week?” said Stacey.

Bernie had taken his receipt and was walking towards the door.

     “We could go
the cinema or something like that if you want?”

He was weaving through the cars that were parked in front of us. Oh no, the car in front was causing an obstruction.

     “So what do you think Moll? Can we still be friends?”

Bernie had a curious expression on his face as he walked towards us with his stupid bounce.

     “Hello, are you one of Moll’s friends from school?”

     “Yes, I’m Stacey; and you are?”

     “I’m Bernie.” He held out his hand and she took it. I noticed her eyes sweep his greying ponytail and gaunt face.

She gave me an odd look which Bernie was oblivious to.

     “Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow evening?” he asked. “It’s just that Moll has never introduced me to any of her friends.”

He shot me a glare and I feigned a smile.

     “Yes, that would be nice, I was just saying to Moll that we should do something this week.”

     “I think it’s a great idea,” said Bernie, “Will about half past six be okay for you?”

She nodded her head.

     “It will be nice to get to meet you properly. Do you know where we live Stacey?”

     “Yes, I’ve been to your place once already, though Moll never actually invited me over. I just bumped into her one day.”

     “Okay then petal, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

    “See you then, bye Moll.” She waved at me. I wanted to go home and pack my bags so I wouldn’t have to live through the nightmare that would be tomorrow evening. Stacey had quite a lot of respect for me, she wasn’t likely to though after the way she’d see Bernie treating me.

The car in front of us pulled away and Bernie got into the driver’s seat, Stacey finally got in her mum’s car as we were blocking access to the pumps.

     “Thought you didn’t know where she lived,” he sneered, “fucking liar.”

     Bernie didn’t say a word to me for the duration of the journey home.  He went into the back porch and lit one of his ‘special’ cigarettes; before slamming the bedroom door behind him.

I took my place on the lounge floor, using my coat as a pillow. The smell
of the carpet made me retch, and I shuddered to think what might be living in it.

     The next morning, Bernie was already dressed and being unusually pleasant. He even offered to drop me off at Asda to pick up the dinner for that evening. He would be driving over to Sleaford to see his disgusting friend, James.

     I hated James; he was almost as bad as Bernie. Once we went over to his house and you could see the fleas jumping off his cat. He was obsessed with computers and making them faster. Once he minimized the screen and I saw that his desktop was a picture of some children dressed in provocative school wear. It sickened me to my stomach.

     Bernie dropped me off at Asda and I bought the things from his ‘approved list of foods’, he also wanted four bottles of cola bringing home. I bought a shake ‘n’ vac to try and conceal the smell of the rotten carpet, but I’d dispose of the receipt so he wouldn’t find out I’d spent extra money. The walk home was horrendous, with my arms fully stretched as the bottles of cola pulled them to the floor.

     I wanted a bath when I got back but there was no hot water whatsoever, there was a small coal burning fire which would heat up the back boiler and I had no idea how to use it.  I’d watched Bernie make a fire before and I knew there was coal outside in the mouldy shed so I tried to put one together.