Dirty Little Secrets (27 page)

Ben was the reason she had not come with him.

An icy boulder formed in the pit of his stomach. He knew this feeling too well, when it came to Megan. As ridiculous as it was, he was jealous of a gay man. The emotion sat uncomfortably in his gut but he could not shake it.

Megan picked Ben.

James did not bother ringing the doorbell, his anger needed and outlet so he pounded his fists against the glossy black panel of the front door. Just before the wood started to split, Ben answered.

“Where is she?” James demanded.

“She doesn’t want to see you. She asked me to tell you that she will call you in the morning. It’s late. Go home.”

“I’m not going anywhere until I see her.”

Ben made the mistake of pushing out his chest, a challenging pose, telling James that he would stand his ground. James would have laughed if it wasn’t for his anger. Ben could not keep James from swatting a fly. James had six inches and 45lbs of muscle on the slight man and he had anger on his side. “Now,” James growled.

Ben shifted back on his heel but did not move out of the doorway. James did not want to physically move him, but he would if he needed to. James’ stare locked on his, neither man giving an inch. “Where is she?”

Moments later, Megan rounded the corner. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face blotchy from crying. James’ eyes narrowed, instantly his anger merged with an acute panic. “If you hurt her, I will—”

Megan stopped him by running to him. “I’m fine, James. I’m just exhausted. I’m so glad you’re here.” She reached up and wrapped her arms around him. Her body shook against him.

“What’s wrong? Tell me.” His voice was an anguished plea.

Megan couldn’t speak for a long time; she just stood clinging to James. She needed him right now more than ever. She turned and looked at Ben. “I’m fine. I won’t change my mind. I promise.” Ben’s shoulders collapsed in relief at her words. The strangled look on his features loosened.

He mouthed the words “Thank you” before he left them.

Megan reached up and kissed James, needing the connection, but he pulled away.

“What’s going on?” James asked.

“A mess is what’s going on.” Megan laced her fingers through his and pulled him into the study. “Would you like a drink? I can make some coffee.”

James gave his head a curt shake. “I don’t want a bloody drink. I want to know what’s wrong. Why didn’t you meet me at the airport?”

Megan did not let go of his hand. She didn’t know where to start; so much had been said that night, so many wounds ripped open, so many promises made. “I’m sorry I couldn’t leave tonight. Soon. We can leave soon.”
If you still want me
. She left the words unsaid but the question burned in her mind. She was caught between two men, two sets of values, in a game where no one could win. The best she could hope was to minimise the causalities.

Megan swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Ben did not kill Seth Blair. It really was an accident.” Fresh shame clawed at her as she remembered accusing Ben. He was her best friend for over a decade and she had not given him the benefit of the doubt, because there had been no doubt. She had taken circumstantial evidence and turned Ben into a murderer. “He did have a story on Ben. But no one killed anyone or tampered with any evidence.” Megan paused, needing James to accept that before she went any further. There had never been any story, James needed to know that. “Seth did not need any evidence because he was the story. He had an affair with Ben years ago back in New York. He recognised Ben when he saw him on the news. Ben saw him a few times before he died, told him he was happily married now. That’s the whole story.”

James shook his head. “They found opiates in his body. Ben had a prescription.”

Megan’s head snapped up to face him. “You know about that. How long have you known?”

James’ face darkened. He shook his head. “Don’t turn this on me. I told you from the beginning I was investigating him.”

Megan’s hand tightened on his. She did not want to fight any more tonight. She was too exhausted. “I wasn’t accusing you. I’m just surprised you didn’t tell me.”

“When did you want me to tell you? Did you want a play by play of the investigation? Every time I brought up Ben, you freaked out. I’m tired of sharing my girlfriend with a gay man,” James bit out between clenched teeth.

Megan pulled him closer. “Stop. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m done fighting. We are so close to this being over. I can’t fight you too.” She took a fortifying breath. She was going to need James if she was going to survive the next few weeks with her sanity intact. “Yes, Ben had a prescription and yes, he gave a few to Seth. Seth had a bad back from a skiing accident. But Seth assumed the risk when he took them. The most Ben could be charged with is aiding procession without a prescription. But it is not going to come to that. I’m going to go to the police tomorrow. I’m going to tell them I gave them to him.” Megan stopped there. She could not re-live the argument that had brought her to that point, Ben’s mortification at being accused of murder, the fight that followed, the reminder of how Ben had dragged her out of the gutter. She would be nothing if it wasn’t for Ben, and she had repaid him with mistrust and suspicion.

James’ features darkened as a realisation set in. He stood up, running a hand through his dark hair. “For fuck’s sake, Megan. No.”

She didn’t speak; there was nothing to say.

“Are you fucking serious? You’re letting him throw you under the bus again?”

Megan stood up. “It’s not like that. I owe him. I would be nothing without Ben. Everything I have today is because he took a chance on some trailer trash from the swamps of Mississippi. I owe him this. Don’t you get that? This is about obligation. I’m just paying what I owe.” Those were the words Ben had used, letter for letter. The sting was still there when she remembered his face contorting in disgust as he spat them.

But they were true.

She was nothing. She would still be nothing if Ben had not seen potential in her and put her through school. She owed him this. And then it was over. Her debt would be paid. She would be free to move on with her life. Her relationship with Ben had run its course. She had been scared about leaving her marriage but there was really nothing left to leave.

“You want to lie to the police?” James demanded, his voice torn with harsh incredulity.

Megan closed her eyes. From his mouth, the reality sounded ugly. “I have to.”

James’ hands fisted. “What do you mean, you have to. You don’t have to do anything. If it happened like you said it did, let Ben tell them. Why do you need to take the blame again? Do you have some perverse martyr complex? Do you need to be victimised? I thought you were stronger than that.”

Her back straightened. She bit her lip to keep from screaming. “How dare you use that against me? I told you about Pete because I trust you. You have no right to throw it in my face like that. This is nothing like that.” Her hands began to shake, her fingers victim to the rage coursing through her body.

“How is it any different? Please explain it to me, Megan. One man brutalised your body; the other is brutalising your soul. Stop and think about what he is asking of you. He’s asking you to make a false statement to the police. The last time I checked that is a crime. Are you trying to get yourself thrown in jail or just disbarred?”

Megan turned away. She could not look at him. He didn’t understand. He never could, not until he had been where she was before she met Ben. She owed him this. She didn’t want to do it, but she had to. “I won’t be disbarred. I’m looking at a misdemeanour at the most but chances are they won’t bring charges. I will be fine.” She added the last part to convince herself. She would be fine in terms of prosecution. She could save her career too, she had to… And she could survive the humiliation.

Again.

She closed her eyes and tried to push the reality of what a confession meant far back in her mind, the scrutiny, the cameras, the shame. She could survive it; she had before.

“Then why are you doing it?”

Megan opened her eyes and tried to only focus on James but she could not stop the reel of salacious headlines that played on a loop, or the sound bites announcing her disgrace to the world. She could do this. She had to. “Because a scandal will ruin Ben’s chances. The election is only a few months away. He would never recover from it. And if there is a civil suit, everything will come out.”

“And what if it does? It’s all coming out anyway. You’ve always known that. I’m not pulling any punches. Ben has fucked up. He should have come clean from the beginning and he really should have thought twice before he dragged you into it. I won’t let you do this. It’s time for Ben to man up and stop running scared.” His jaw set in ruthless determination; it was impossible to tell where the anger was directed, at her or at Ben.

A chill ran the length of her spine. He felt like a stranger again, the intruder there to expose them. She shook her head. He was James, her James. She could trust him. “You don’t have to do the story. No one else knows. It can be over. I take the blame and then it’s over. I can have a fresh start. Don’t you see? This can work. This will give Ben a reason to divorce me.”
And then we can be together
.

James’ eyes widened, his mouth went slack. “You want me to lie for him? You want me to bury a story? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“You did it before.” Instantly Megan regretted her words. The look of horror on his face was like a punch in her stomach. “I’m…I’m sorry,” she stammered but it was too late. The damage was done.

James raised his hands to his head; disbelief and betrayal hung heavy in the air. “Do you know how hard that was for me to do? Do you have any fucking idea what it meant to lower myself to my father’s level? Do you?” James shouted, his voice reverberating through her. He moved towards her and before she could think, she flinched, her hands coming to her face in self-defence. It was a reflex, one she had relied on for far too long.

She tried to stop herself and then she tried to cover her movement, pretend she had not done it, but he had seen it, it was written on his face.

James shook his head. For a long time silence reigned. “You thought I was going to hit you.” His voice was low, a harsh whisper, devoid of any emotion except antipathy. “After everything we’ve been through, you think I could hit you. I would never hit any woman. The fact that you don’t know that means you don’t even know me.”

“James—”

He cut her off with a raised hand. “I am too fucking angry to have this conversation right now so I am going to make it really simple. You have a choice. It’s Ben or me. If you lie for him, it’s over. Ben doesn’t need to be ashamed about who he sleeps with. But he sure as hell should be ashamed of asking his wife to cover for him. Choose, Megan. Ben or me.”

Her breath caught in her throat. She could not choose. What choice did she have? Every fibre in her body wanted James. She had never allowed herself to want or need someone, but she did.

But she owed Ben this. She would not even be here without Ben. Her mind screamed. She wanted James, she needed James. But she owed Ben her life. “Don’t make me choose.”

“I’m not going to share you any more. I want all of you. I want your loyalty and I can’t have it if Ben is in the picture. It’s me or your husband.”

She felt like the air was being sucked from her lungs but she forced herself to look James directly in the eye. She would not let her gaze waver, would not give him the chance to question her. She could not stand up to the scrutiny. One word from him and she would fold. She owed Ben this. James had his values, he should understand that she had hers. She could not betray the man who had saved her life. “That’s right. I am his wife.”

James shook his head. His hands clenched and unclenched several times. She forced herself to stay rooted in place, her body screamed at her to run to him. But she couldn’t. If she had to make a choice, it had to be Ben.

“Well, you were right. You did disappoint me. I have never been more disappointed in my life. You are not the strong woman I thought you were. You’d rather be with a man who takes advantage of you at every opportunity than aman who loves you because you only know how to play the victim. You may have left Mississippi, but you brought that baggage with you, sweetheart.”

His words were acid on a fresh wound. She closed her eyes and tried to push down the hurt. A familiar pressure burned behind her eyes, but she would not cry. Not now, not again. She was strong. Only a strong woman could walk away from him and that was exactly what she was going to do. She wanted James, she loved him, but her duty would always be to Ben. “Good bye, James.” She words barely made it past her lips. Her throat constricted painfully, trying to prevent her from speaking but she managed. It was done.

James said nothing, he only glared at her, his eyes full of scorn and betrayal. And disappointment. She always knew she would disappoint him, and she had. He shook his head again before he turned and walked away. He left without another word. There was nothing left to say.

When the door closed, she collapsed on the couch. She did not cry, her body was too stunned or too numb to produce tears. But she knew the pain would come and there would still be no tears to wash it away.

It was over.

Megan reached for a wine glass but stopped herself. She did not want to be numb. She wanted to hurt. She deserved to hurt, the way she hurt James. She saw his face in her mind, the horror in his eyes when she flinched.

She did not hear the pocket doors open, did not realise Ben was there until he pulled a wool blanket high around her shoulders.

She did not have the strength to speak to thank him. Things were back to normal: just Megan and Ben, together, lying to the world.

“I did it,” she told him before he could ask. She knew why he had come in, he wanted to make sure she had not changed her mind.

“Thank you, Megan. I’m sorry it had to be this way. But it was never going to work out anyway.” Ben leaned down and pressed a kiss against her cheek.