Die Again (32 page)

“And there’s no way we can change your mind?”

Millie looked straight at her. “None whatsoever.”

T
HEY ARE STAYING IN OUR GUEST BEDROOM TONIGHT. IF ANYTHING
should make me feel safe, it would be having both a policewoman and a US federal agent under my roof, yet once again I cannot fall asleep. Chris lies breathing deeply beside me, a warm, reassuring hulk in the darkness. What luxury to sleep so soundly every night, to awake refreshed in the morning, free of the smothering cobwebs of bad dreams.

He doesn’t stir as I climb out of bed, reach for a robe, and slip out of our room.

Down the hall, I pass the guest bedroom where Detective Rizzoli and her husband are staying. Odd that I did not immediately pick up on the fact they were married to each other, until after I’d spent the whole afternoon with them. They’d shown me photo after photo of possible suspects on a laptop computer. So many faces, so many men. By the time it was dinner hour, the photos were all blending together. I rubbed my tired eyes and when I opened them again, I saw Agent Dean’s hand resting on Detective Rizzoli’s shoulder. It was not just a platonic pat, but the caress of a man who cared about this woman.
That’s when the other details came into focus: the matching wedding rings. The way they finished each other’s sentences. The fact he didn’t have to ask, but simply stirred a teaspoon of sugar into her coffee before handing it to her.

On the surface, they’d been strictly business, especially the aloof and chilly Gabriel Dean. But over dinner, after a few glasses of wine, they started to talk about their marriage and their daughter and the life they shared in Boston. A complicated life, I think, because of their demanding jobs. Now their work has brought them all the way to my remote corner of the Western Cape.

I tiptoe past their closed door into the kitchen and pour a generous splash of scotch into a glass. Just enough to make me drowsy, but not drunk. I know by experience that while a little scotch will help me fall asleep, too much will make me wake up in a few hours with nightmares. I settle into a chair at the kitchen table and slowly nurse the drink as the clock ticks loudly on the wall. If Chris were awake, we’d take our drinks outside to the garden and sit together in the moonlight to enjoy the scent of night-blooming jasmine. I never go out in the dark by myself. Chris tells me I’m the bravest woman he knows, but courage wasn’t what kept me alive in Botswana. Even the lowliest creature does not want to die and will fight to stay alive; in that way, I am no braver than any rabbit or sparrow.

A noise behind me makes me bolt straight in my chair. I turn to see Detective Rizzoli walk barefoot into the kitchen. Her uncombed hair looks like a wild crown of black thorns and she’s dressed in an oversized T-shirt and men’s boxer shorts.

“Sorry if I startled you,” she says. “I just came out for a glass of water.”

“I can offer you something stronger, if you’d like.”

She eyes my glass of scotch. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to drink alone.” She pours herself a glass, adds an equal part of water, and settles into the chair across from me. “So do you do this often?”

“Do what?”

“Drink alone.”

“It helps me fall asleep.”

“Having trouble with that, huh?”

“You already know I do.” I take another sip, but it doesn’t help me relax because she’s watching me with dark, probing eyes. “Why aren’t
you
asleep?”

“Jet lag. It’s six
P.M.
Boston time, and my body refuses to be fooled.” She takes a sip and doesn’t flinch in the least at the bite of the scotch. “Thank you again for offering your guest room.”

“We couldn’t have you driving all the way back to Cape Town tonight. Not after the hours you spent with me. I hope you don’t have to fly back to the States right away. It’d be a shame if you didn’t see some of the country.”

“We get one more night in Cape Town tomorrow.”

“Only one?”

“I had a tough enough time convincing my boss to approve this trip. We’re all about cost cutting these days. God forbid we have any fun on their dime.”

I look down at my scotch, which gleams like liquid amber. “Do you actually like your work?”

“It’s what I always wanted to do.”

“Catch killers?” I shake my head. “I don’t think I’d be able to stomach it. Seeing the things you see. Coming face-to-face every day with what people are capable of.”

“That’s something you’ve already seen firsthand.”

“And I never want to see it again.” I tip the rest of the drink into my mouth and swallow it in one gulp. Suddenly it’s not enough, not nearly enough to settle my nerves. I get up to pour myself a refill.

“I used to have nightmares, too,” she says.

“No wonder, with your line of work.”

“I got over them. You can, too.”

“How?”

“The same way I did. Slay the monster. Put him away where he can’t hurt you or anyone else.”

I laugh as I recork the bottle. “Do I look like a policewoman?”

“You look like a woman who’s terrified of just going to sleep.”

I set the bottle down on the counter and turn to her. “You didn’t live through what I did. You may hunt killers, but they aren’t hunting
you
.”

“You’re wrong, Millie,” she says quietly. “I know exactly what you’re living through. Because I’ve been hunted, too.” She fixes me with a steady gaze as I sink back into the chair.

“What happened?” I ask.

“It was several years ago, around the time I met my husband. I was searching for a man who’d killed a number of women. Considering what this killer did to them, I’m not sure I’d call him human, but some other species. A creature who fed off pain and fear. Who took pleasure in their terror. The more afraid you were, the more he desired you.” She lifts the glass to her lips, takes a deep swallow. “And he knew I was afraid.”

I’m surprised she admits it, this woman who projects such fearlessness. Over dinner she’d described how she’d kicked down her first door, how she had chased killers across rooftops and into dark alleys. Now, sitting in her T-shirt and boxer shorts, with her messy mop of dark hair, she looks like any other woman. Small, vulnerable. Defeatable.

“You were his target?” I ask.

“Yeah. Lucky me.”

“Why you?”

“Because he’d trapped me once before. Had me right where he wanted me.” She raises her hands and shows me her scarred palms. “He did this. With scalpels.”

Earlier today, I had noticed those peculiarly placed scars, like healed wounds of a crucifixion. I stare at them in horror because I now know how those wounds were inflicted.

“Even after he went to prison, even though I knew he couldn’t reach me, I had nightmares about what he almost did to me. How could I forget, when I carry these permanent reminders of him on my hands? The bad dreams did start to fade, though. After a year, I hardly
dreamed of him at all, and that should have been the end of it. It
would
have been the end of it.”

“Why wasn’t it?”

“Because he escaped.” She meets my gaze, and I see my own fear reflected in her eyes. I see a woman who knows what it means to live in a killer’s crosshairs, without any idea when the trigger will be pulled. “That’s when my nightmares started again.”

I stand up and get the bottle of scotch. Bring it back to the table and set it between us. “For the nightmares,” I offer.

“You can’t drink them away, Millie. No matter how many bottles you guzzle.”

“What do you suggest I do?”

“The same thing I did. Hunt down the monster who’s been chasing you in your dreams. Cut him to pieces and bury him. Then, and only then, will you sleep soundly again.”

“And do you sleep soundly?”

“Yes. But only because I chose not to run and hide. I knew that as long as he was out there, circling me, I’d never rest easy. So
I
became the hunter. Gabriel knew I was putting myself at risk and he tried to keep me off the case, but I had to be part of it. For my own sanity, I had to be in the fight, not hiding behind locked doors, waiting for the attack.”

“And your husband didn’t try to stop you?”

“Oh, we weren’t married then, so he couldn’t stop me.” She laughs. “Not that he can now, either. Though he tries his hardest to keep me in line.”

I think of Chris, peacefully snoring in our bed. How he bundled me up and brought me to this farm to keep me safe. “That’s what my husband tries to do.”

“Keep you behind a locked door?”

“To protect me.”

“Yet you don’t feel safe. Even six years later.”

“I do feel safe here. At least, I did. Until
you
brought it back into my life.”

“I’m just doing my job, Millie. Don’t blame me. I didn’t put those nightmares in your head. I’m not the one who made you a prisoner.”

“I’m
not
a prisoner.”

“Aren’t you?”

We stare at each other across the table. She has dark, luminous eyes. Dangerous eyes that see straight through my skull, to the deepest folds of my brain where I hide my secret terrors. I can’t deny anything she’s said. I
am
a prisoner. I’m not merely avoiding the world; I’m cowering from it.

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” she says.

I don’t answer at first. Instead I look down at the glass, which I’m cradling with both hands. I want to take another sip, but I know it will ease the fear for only a few hours. Like anesthesia, it eventually wears off.

“Tell me how you did it,” I say. “How you fought back.”

She shrugs. “I didn’t have a choice, in the end.”

“You chose to fight.”

“No, I mean I
really
didn’t have a choice. You see, after he escaped from prison, I knew I had to hunt him down. Gabriel, my colleagues at Boston PD, they all tried to keep me out of it, but I couldn’t be sidelined. I knew that killer better than anyone else did. I’d looked into his eyes, and I’d seen the beast. I understood him—what thrilled him, what he craved, how he stalked his prey. The only way I’d sleep soundly again was to hunt him down. The problem was, he was also hunting
me
. We were two enemies locked in mortal combat, and one of us had to go down.” She pauses, takes a sip of scotch. “He struck first.”

“What happened?”

“I was cornered when I least expected it. Taken to a place where no one would ever find me. The worst part was, he wasn’t alone. He had a friend.”

Her voice is so soft I have to lean in to hear her. Outside, insects sing in the night garden, but in my kitchen it is quiet, so quiet. I think of all my fears multiplied by two. Two Johnnys hunting me. I
don’t know how this woman can sit here so calmly and tell me her story.

“They had me where they wanted me,” she says. “There was no one to rescue me, no one who’d swoop in to save the day. It was me against them.” She took a breath and straightened in her chair. “And I won. Just like you can, Millie. You can kill that monster.”

“Is that what
you
did?”

“He might as well be dead. My bullet severed his spinal cord, and now he’s trapped in a place he’ll never escape—his own body. Paralyzed from the neck down. And his friend is rotting in a grave.” Her smile is weirdly at odds with what she’s just described, but when you’ve triumphed over monsters, you deserve a grin of victory. “And that night, I slept better than I had in a year.”

I hunch at the table, saying nothing. Of course I know why she’s told me her story, but it doesn’t work on me. You can’t force a person to be brave if they don’t already have it in them. I’m alive merely because I was too terrified to die, which makes me a coward, really. The woman who kept walking and walking, past elephants and crocodiles, the woman blessed with a sturdy pair of legs and more than her share of luck.

She yawns and stands up. “I think I’ll head back to bed. I hope we can talk more about this tomorrow.”

“I won’t change my mind. I can’t come to Boston.”

“Even though you could make a difference? You
know
this killer better than anyone else does.”

“And he knows me. I’m the one who escaped, the one he’s searching for. I’m his unicorn, the creature doomed to be hunted into extinction.”

“We’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

“Six years ago, in the bush, I found out what it’s like to die.” I shake my head. “Don’t ask me to die again.”

D
ESPITE ALL THE SCOTCH
I downed, or maybe because of it, I dream once again about Johnny.

He stands before me, reaching out to me with both hands, begging me to run to him. All around us are lions closing in for the kill, and I must make my choice. How I want to trust Johnny, as I trusted him once before! I never truly believed he was a killer, and now he stands before me, broad-shouldered and golden-haired.
Come to me, Millie. I’ll keep you safe
. In joy I run to him, hungry for his touch. But just as I step into his arms, his mouth transforms into jaws that open wide, baring bloody teeth ready to devour me.

I lurch awake, screaming.

I sit up on the side of the bed, my head in my hands. Chris rubs my back, trying to calm me. Even as the sweat cools, chilling my skin, my heart is still hammering inside my chest. He murmurs, “You’re fine, Millie, you’re safe,” but I know I am not fine. I am a cracked porcelain doll ready to shatter apart with the lightest tap. The passage of six years has not made me whole again, and it’s clear to me that I will never be whole. Not until Johnny is in prison—or dead.