Diary of the Pirate Killer (2 page)

8/27/08- I’m so excited.  I’m making John my special pasta for lunch.  It’s a creamy mushroom and shrimp sauce served over noodles.  It was the only thing Justin seemed to be able to keep down near the end, which actually worked since it’s really the only thing I know how to make.  I haven’t made it since the last time I gave it to him, and I’m actually a little excited about it.  I even bought Justin’s favorite wine to go with.  I’m so excited that I can’t stop looking up at the clock.  Only two more hours before I get off for my lunch break.  I actually wish there was something for me to do so time would go by faster.   Ben and Joy are out on a call, so I’m just sitting in the lab by myself. 

John is doing much better.  His leg is healing nicely.  His spirits were even a little higher when I left him last night.  I really wanted to stay out there with him, but I had to get my shopping done.  I almost went back out after I took it all back to the apartment, but I had to be at work early this morning.  Well, it looks like I’m not going to be bored anymore. 
Just got a call.

1:00 PM- I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what happened.  I made the lunch for John and moved him upstairs so it would be nice.  He started with a glass of wine while I finished preparing the meal.  We were even having a pleasant conversation while I got everything ready.  Something happened after we started eating, though.  After taking a few bites, he started scratching his face.  Shortly after that, he started having difficulty breathing and fell out of his chair.

I tried to give him CPR when he stopped breathing a few minutes later, but it didn’t work.  He’s dead.  I couldn’t bring him back.  I don’t know what to do.  He’s just
lying on the floor. I’m freaking out.  I don’t know what to do with him.  I can’t just leave him here.  I’ve worked enough crime scenes to know that there’s no way I could eliminate all of the trace from both the body and the cabin.  With the leg amputation, there’s no way I could convince them that it was just a simple allergy that killed him.  I can’t even think of what to do right now.  What am I going to do???  Abducting him was bad enough.  Now he’s dead.  I’m going to be executed for this.  I’m supposed to be back at work in half an hour.  I don’t know how I’m going to hold it all together.

8/28/08- Okay, so I made a big, crazy decision last night.  After I got off work, I dragged him into the bathtub and used an old saw that I found in the cabin to dismember him.  I then cleaned the pieces thoroughly with bleach before putting them into a trash bag.  I was considering just putting him into a trashcan, but for some reason, I decided to scatter them around a clearing. 

I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.  No one would have ever found him if I just threw him away.  There’s no way he won’t be found now.  He’s not too far from a popular campsite.  It was stupid.  I just panicked and was acting without considering the consequences.  I’m going to get busted for this.  I know I will.  I’m not going to look good in an orange jumpsuit.

I thought for sure that we were going to get a call out there today.  Every time a call came in, my stomach tightened, and I just knew it was going to be out to find his body.  Oh, I really need a drink.

I did manage to come up with a plan while I was anxiously waiting for the call.  I asked Ben if I could borrow his car to go get us lunch.  I pulled some carpet fibers from his trunk that I can put on the body if it’s found.  I don’t want to have to put a target on his back, but I don’t have any other choice.  No one knows about my relationship with Justin, so if anyone makes the connection to him, Ben will be the logical place to look.  I don’t see how they wouldn’t make the connection.  Even without the leg removal, the shaved head and piercing I gave him should do it.  I love Ben, despite the fact that he won’t even look at me right now, but it’s either him or me.

8/29/08- I’m glad I have the day off.  I don’t even want to get out of bed.  This whole thing with John has left me feeling even worse than I did before.  In a strange way, it feels like I lost Justin all over again.  I know that John didn’t take his place, but it was nice not to feel so alone.  In addition to just feeling down about being alone again, I feel horrible about what happened to John.  I didn’t want him to die.  I know I didn't really know him, but I feel terrible.  Of course, I’m really more upset that I don’t have him to talk to or just spend time with anymore.  When I start to think about that, though, I start to feel really guilty.  Even feeling guilty doesn’t stop the fact that I feel sadder that he’s not here for me.  I feel like a total bitch.  I think I’m going to cry now.

9/1/08- Dr. Gamboa said I looked worse today.  Well, he didn’t so much say it as write it.  I read it upside down.  I can’t blame him.  I regret taking John.  I didn’t think it was possible to be sadder than I was before, but I do.  It’s debilitating.  Honestly, the only reason I get out of bed and go to work is so I will be there when the call comes in for John’s body.  Besides, it would look ridiculously suspicious if I publically breakdown now.

It’s really hard.  It literally feels like someone has their hand in my chest and is squeezing my heart.  My whole body just hurts.  I understand how people can actually die of a broken heart.  Every day I wake up feeling like I’m dying inside.  I just want it all to end.  I can’t live like this.

9/3/08- My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when the call came in for John’s body today.  Ben was going to take the call, but I volunteered.  It was incredibly difficult to try to keep calm and not look eager.  I haven’t been excited about anything lately.  It would have looked strange.

Luckily, only one arm had been discovered by the time I got there.  I was able to get to the head and plant the fiber in the nose before anyone saw.  It’s not something they will be able to tie to anyone, but if they are able to link him to Justin, it will at least make them focus more on Ben.  Besides, the
color of the fibers in my car is completely different.  It should definitely keep me from being focused on, even if Ben tries to send them in my direction, which I’m sure he would do.

Well, as of now they have no idea who they found.  I thought for sure that it would have been an immediate connection, especially since Detective Wilcome is working the case, but I haven’t even heard his name mentioned once.

I’m beginning to think the detective’s aren’t even close to as clever as I originally thought they were.  I don’t know exactly how I feel about that.

9/4/08- As expected, the analysis of the carpet fiber didn’t do anything to lead the investigation.  Dr. Andrews was able to make a positive identification.  While I’m still freaking out, it is actually pretty amusing seeing how frantic everyone is right now.  Between the card and him being dismembered, there are all kinds of theories being thrown around.  I even heard someone talking about the prospect of a cult in the area.

Detective Wilcome and Detective Matthews were talking about it when I walked into the homicide office today.  I heard them saying that unless they can find someone with
motive, it would be very difficult to find out who’s responsible.  Or at least that’s the gist of it.  I guess that’s an upside to this whole thing.  The department is going to look really bad when this case remains unsolved.  Serves them right.  It’s their fault Justin died.  They deserve for people to see them as a problem instead of a solution.

9/5/08- I must say, I’m loving just how freaked everyone at the station is right now.  It’s the card I left that has everyone in a near panic.  Although it was a stupid move taking him, leaving that was probably one of the best things I could have done.  All anyone can seem to talk about is the possibility of another man being taken.  It’s doing a better job of distracting them than I originally thought.

It actually helps to ease my nerves.  There’s no way they will suspect me.  They will be looking for some psycho who takes pleasure in grabbing guys and killing them.

I’ve been so worried about this that I haven’t slept in a week.  I think I might actually be able to tonight.  Might as well try.

9/7/08- Dr. Gamboa suggested again today that I get a hobby.  Does he really think that if I take up gardening or knitting that it will make me feel better?  I told him I would consider it, but I think it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  Nothing makes me feel better.  I’ve been throwing myself into work to try to distract myself, but it’s not working anymore.  I stood across the street from the station and just stared at the doors for twenty minutes before I could make myself go in.

These people were supposed to be Justin’s friends.  His cancer may have taken him, but the department pulled the trigger.  I used to love my job.  I loved the work that I did and the people I did it with.  Now I live for the moments I don’t have to be there.

I had a dream last night that I burned it to the ground.  I haven’t been that happy in a while.  Who knows, maybe I’ll actually do it.

9/29/08- I know it’s been a while since I wrote last.  There hasn’t really been much to report.  It’s been a month since John died, and the case has officially stalled.  They did look into a few people with personal grudges against him, but they were unable to make anything stick.  I was actually hoping they could pin it on the last guy they brought in for questioning.  At least he deserves to be jailed.  He’s a real piece of work, named Marshal Teich.  While he’s never been formally accused of any wrong doings that I know of, he’s got his thumb in a number of pies around town.  I heard he even beat down some guy who owed him five bucks.  I don’t know if it’s really true, but it wouldn’t have surprised me.  He apparently got into a pretty heated argument with John about a week before I grabbed him.  Honestly, I think he would have killed him if I hadn’t snatched him up.  At least he didn’t spend his last moments suffering like he would have at the hand of Teich.  I was able to save him from that.

Back to the point, though, the investigation has all but stopped, and I wasn’t ever looked into.  I know his death was an accident, but it would be near impossible for me to prove it in court.  I feel so bad that it happened, but I’m incredibly relieved that I won’t have to face any backlash from it.  It was a foolish notion, and now that I realize that, I can put it behind me and move past it.  It’s not like it’s something I would ever want to happen again.

9/30/08-Still nothing much to report.  I haven’t been into work in almost a week.  I told them I was super excited about going to the beach, but I just couldn’t get myself to go in.  I actually had a really vivid dream about going in with a large flame thrower and torching the entire building...  I actually woke up smiling.  I’ve only got two more days of my vacation left.  I REALLY don’t want to go back.  Well, it’s almost three.  I guess I should actually get out of bed.  Other than grabbing a bottle of wine and getting up to pee, I’ve just been curled up under my blankets since nine last night.  Even for me, eighteen hours in bed is a lot.

10/4/08- It’s been almost three months now.  It still hurts as bad as it did that day.  Everyone says the pain will lessen with time.  It’s getting worse.  I’ve almost forgotten how it feels to be happy.  I can put on this fake smile for people, but there’s nothing behind it.  I have to hold it all in, though.  Even though he’s gone, I know if the department found out about the two of us, I’d lose my job.  I just have to bury everything when I’m around those people.

Ben will hardly even look at me.  I think that makes it all the more difficult to deal with.  I can’t talk to him about what I’m going through.  If he knew how much I was hurting, he might suspect me.  He’s smarter than the others, and he’s the only person who could tie me the death.  The only way plan B will work is if he doesn’t name me until after he’s already been accused.  Then it will just look like the sad attempts of a desperate man.

I still feel bad putting him in this position, but there’s no other option. 

10/6/08- I can’t believe what this quack said today!  Dr. Gamboa actually recommended that I go on antidepressants!  How ridiculous is that?!  Like a pill could fill the hole Justin left in my heart.  Am I really paying him to hear garbage like this?  I’m furious right now.  What Justin and I had wasn’t just your everyday romance.  What we had was epic.  It was the kind of love most people will never know; the kind they write books about.  I don’t care how many pills I swallowed.  They wouldn’t even begin to heal my soul.  I just want to scream right now. 
I think I’m going to go to the gym before I give into my anger and go burn his house down... with him in it.

10/17/08- It’s been a while.  I was so irritated after Dr. Gamboa’s suggestion that I nearly cancelled my appointments.  Honestly, the only reason I didn’t is because I’m afraid it could raise suspicions.  The last thing I need is for him to think I’m being erratic and report me as being a danger.  It wouldn’t take long before they connected the dots after that.  I even told him at the last appointment that I would start taking something.  Now I’m going to have to research antidepressants so I can make it look convincing.  Above anyone, Dr. Gamboa must believe I’m adjusting.  He’s the only one who saw my true feelings between the time I took John and when he died.  He’s smarter than those imbeciles at the station.

Let’s see... Oh, so the case has been completely pushed aside now.  I think the most satisfying part of it is the grief the news is giving the department.  They are doing an impressive job making the detectives look incompetent.  It’s not like it’s a hard job.  The fact that they haven’t connected John with Justin is completely unbelievable.  I wouldn’t have missed it, you know
, if I didn’t already know.  I would have seen it right away.  If Ben made the connection, he hasn’t said anything.  Either he’s not as clever as I thought, or he’s realized it but is keeping it to himself.  He must be aware that he would be named a suspect.

I’m going to go with the first one.  He’s too much of
a goodie-goodie to keep it to myself, even if he’s trying to save himself grief.  Besides, he would know instantly it was me, and he’s showing ZERO sign of that.

Well, off to that hell hole.  Bye for now.

10/21/08- I hated this job BEFORE I took time off.  I didn’t realize it could get even worse.  I have this seething rage bubbling inside of me.  They are responsible for Justin’s death, and they don’t have to face any consequences.  It reminds me of those big companies that mess up and kill a lot of people, then over power their families in court and get away with nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

To top things off, Ben is still being super cold toward me.  It’s almost like he blames me!  Doesn’t he see that it’s really them who are to blame?  And it’s not like he is so innocent.  He could have made Justin get the surgery.  If he had really pushed, I know he would have listened.  Well, I’m off to go meet some people at the bar.

10/24/08- I really didn’t think today could be any longer.  Ben’s had me researching arson cases the last few days.  Isn’t it the fire department’s job to look into arson fires?  I swear he’s doing it just because he’s mad at me.  I think he blames me for Justin’s death.  It’s one thing for him to be mad at me, though.  This is just too much.  I’ve spent three days going over different accelerants, lists of the most flammable items in houses, and more photos than I can count.  I know I’m never going to use any of this crap.  I’ve never once had to investigate how a fire was started.  I would understand if he had me looking into different ways to process evidence that’s been through a fire, but none of this has to do with evidence at all.  I’m going out of my mind with boredom.

On the bright side, I’ve got the next two days off.  I’m actually considering turning my phone off.  I might just snap if I get called in.  It’s not like I’m expecting a call from anyone else.  Of course, that won’t stop them from trying to talk me into going in when I run into them at the bar.  I need to learn how to say no to people.  I’m going to put my foot down.  Well, I’m off to the bar.  I definitely need a drink after the last few days.

10/31/08- Happy Halloween!  There’s a big costume party at the station, but I REALLY don’t want to go.  I know I have to, though.  I’ve never missed a party.  People will start to wonder if something’s wrong it I don’t show.  I still haven’t decided what I’m going to wear.  I’m torn between a maid and a nurse.  I’m not really excited about either, but they’re the only two that I can find, and I don’t want to go shopping to get a new one.  Crap, well, it’s about time for me to go.  I guess I should actually start getting ready.  Maybe I’ll have time to stop by the bar on the way and fill up on shots to make it bearable.