Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (42 page)

Party to be held at Fenella’s to save on venue costs and her kitchen is more than big enough.

It’s great being busy again
and
being paid for it.  Could almost get excited if Ned & I weren’t so worried about the general state of our financial affairs.

No longer doing the ‘ostrich’ but taken to affirmations.

Think positive and repeat mantra.  “I am sailing on the river of wealth” …

Saturday 28
^th
February

Received another rather peculiar email from Gestapo:

‘
Libby

I understand that you and Fenella Hunter-Barnes have set up a lucrative party business.

I’m sure you will remember the success of Mia’s last party and wondered if you had a position open for an ‘elite party organiser’.

Of course, I don’t need to work from a financial point of view but feel it would be rewarding to return to the work force.

I look forward to hearing back from you with regards to my joining your partnership and also details of expected remuneration.

Many thanks

Araminta’

Needed to read the email several times.

This was from the woman who’d said we’d never be friends because ‘we inhabit different worlds’.  The woman who didn’t lift a finger to organise one second of her daughter’s party and now she’s an ‘elite party organiser!’  The woman who’s out on her arse with seriously neglected highlights and a butt naked dog but ‘doesn’t need to work from a financial point of view’.

Being the soft-hearted sap I am, I
still
felt the stirrings of pity.  Then I started to feel a little less sorry for her - with front like that, she’d survive anything.

Called Fenella who, after a very long silence, said she thought she was about to have a ‘Tena Lady’ moment.  She then hung up saying, “Forgive me while I go piss myself laughing!”

Sunday 1
^st
March

Spent last night at F&J’s having an infamous ‘impromptu fondue’ and deciding the best way to deal with Gestapo.

This ranged from, “We need to let her down gently” (me) to, “We should just tell her to go fuck herself.” (Fenella)

Eventually agreed, after much reigning in on Fenella, to write:

‘Dear Araminta

Sadly ‘La Fête Parfaite’ is not in a position to consider expansion at the moment.

We wish you all the best in finding a suitable venture to pursue.

Libby & Fenella’

Fenella opened another bottle of Moët and hiccupped, “Still think my response would have got the message across more succinctly!”

Monday 2
^nd
March  AM

Ned’s interview

Really worried that if Ned doesn’t get this job we’ll have to put all of next term’s fees on another credit card.  Luckily the mortgage is currently being covered by a protection plan, so we’ll still have a (new and expensive) roof over our heads.

Ned set off feeling very positive.  It’s a job he knows he has the experience for and the combination of the salary and the extras should see us back on track again. 

Spent morning with Fenella, experimenting with the kimono girl cake.  Ended up agreeing we could come up with something impressive enough to charge the mother the eighty quid we’d quoted her.

Quick coffee with Mrs S before school pick up.  She’s very excited to have been invited to tea with Skunk’s parents tonight.  Took a while to convince her not to call them Mr and Mrs Skunk and suggested that she find out what they’re really called.

Chatted with Olga at the school gates.  She’s on the lookout for another nanny position because, as she so eloquently put it, “I sink it time to move on before I stick Lydia-Boss-Lady’s head down stinky bog pan and flush!  You keep big ears open for me in case you hear of
nice
family who vant a nanny or I think I vill hev to go back home to my own bitch of a mudder!”

Poor Olga.  She really hasn’t had it easy with Lydia but the last thing she wants is to return to her mother who’ll use her to look after her own brood for no pay - the original reason for Olga’s escape.

Promised I would keep ‘big ears open!’

PM

Ned not happy tonight.  The interview went well but the company are also seeing another guy who’s a close colleague of the chief exec.

“Pretty much a foregone conclusion who they’ll give the job to, Lib.”

Tried to be upbeat but, in my heart, had a feeling he was right.  Definitely a case of ‘not what you know but who you know’.

Went to bed repeating new mantra.  “I am breaking down the barriers that have blocked my wealth potential” …

Tuesday 3
^rd
March  AM

Celebrity Bash

TO DO LIST

Decorate venue with cut outs of clipper boards, movie reels and pictures of film clips.

Set all tables in movie theme - black, white and silver.  Mini Oscar with child’s name at each setting.

Supervise delivery of red carpet and set up of DJ.

Finish wrapping limited edition boxed sets of DVDs client has chosen as party gifts.

The mother booked the venue, caterers and DJ so it’s really been quite an easy job for us.  With the best bit to come - collecting the money!

Feel a bit bad being so busy while Ned is jobless but at least it’s earning us living money and keeping our heads just above water.

PM

Ned didn’t get the job and we didn’t get paid!

The decorations weren’t “impressive enough”.

The Oscars “too small”.

The red carpet “not long enough”.

The paparazzi “too realistic”!

The caterers “late” and the food “inedible”. 
(We didn’t even book the bloody people!)

Oh, but she did pop a cheque through Fenella’s door for forty quid for the invites which were ‘delightful!’

Can’t repeat Fenella’s rantings but they were endless and many shades of blue.

Emergency coffee and fags at Fenella’s after school drop off tomorrow.

Didn’t bother with mantra tonight - don’t see the point.  Difficult to be positive when you feel so negative.

Wednesday 4
^th
March

Have learnt our first business lesson.  We need to take the money
before
each party.  Nic & Rick said the venue looked fantastic and very showbizzy. The kids loved having the ‘paps’ around and really played up to it. The woman was a head-case and obviously just trying it on.

Had ‘slag off’ meeting with Fenella who was still fuming and devising endless variations of final demand emails to send.  I’d calmed down a little overnight and had gone into usual ‘we are unworthy’ mode - perhaps we weren’t really cut out for the business?

“For God’s sake Libby,” Fenella shouted and actually made me jump.  “Will you stop being so down on yourself?  You’re just as good as any of those mothers and you
know
we did a perfectly good job.  We provided her with everything she asked for
and
we did it for a bloody good price.  OK so we’ve hit some ‘glitches with the bitches’ with a couple of the other parties, but that’s only to be expected and they’ve all paid up.  This one’s just a bloody scammer if you ask me.”

Roped Ned in to compile a tactful but authoritative email to ‘Scammy Mummy’ - I was too nervous and Fenella too verbose.

‘Nervous and Verbose’ makes us sound like a Jewish law partnership or a good cop/bad cop drama.

Sometimes wish I had a bit more bad cop in me - try new mantra when feeling more positive.

Thursday 5
^th
March  AM

Max’s Winner’s tea party tonight