Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (32 page)

Gestapo chattered gaily, on some kind of pre-party high, “Anyway gels, got to dash. Off to have my eyebrows threaded and an Indian head-massage to relieve the stress.  See you at the golf club at 5 for the kiddies’ party of the century.”

“I know vot
I
vood like to do vis her head,” Olga seethed, “And it vood certainly relieve
my
bloody stress!”

PM

Max back from THE party and, in typical five-year old style, not a great deal to report.

The party was “OK,” the entertainer “same as usual,” the food “yucky” and the cocktails “fizzy.”  Of course Mia looked “really pretty.”

Ned and I decided that the hype had obviously been “overboard” but the bill was probably “massive”.

Instead of party bags Gestapo had given each child a PS 3 game - great if the child has the console and a total disappointment if, like Max, they don’t.

Utterly thoughtless and typically assuming - could almost hear her saying, “Surely in this day and age,
every
child has the latest gadget?”

Ned said he’s going to flog the game on eBay and we’ll buy Max a treat tomorrow to make up for it.

Children’s entertainers must be raking it in, all because of these mothers’ lack of imagination - “Must do it properly.  Has to look like I’ve thrown wads of money at it.  Got to have big, expensive venue.  Mustn’t forget to do the big ‘up-sell’ beforehand.”

Hmm … think Nic may have been right about ways for me to make money.

Put business idea together after fair and consider carefully.

Saturday 8
^th
November

Fenella and I feel like a couple of expectant mothers.  As with the length of pregnancy, the fair seems to have taken forever and now the final stretch seems the longest.  The date looms ahead and we can’t wait for it to be over - we may even get through it without gas and air.  Might hit the mulled wine stall a few times though.

Sunday 9
^th
November

Email from Mrs S full of excitement because she’d bought twenty two Mills and Boon paperbacks for three pounds on eBay.

‘And very reasonable postage for such a heavy package, Libbybeta.  So many wonderful heroes to discover and fall in love with.  My marriage to Mahesh was not a happy one but my Mills and Boon men never let me down.  I am thinking my Pritesh would make a good hero in one of these books.  Would you agree with me, Libbybeta?’

Ned joked that if things get really tough he might consider selling me on to Pritesh.  “I mean, I know you’re used goods and all that but he’s pretty keen so I’m sure he’d make a fair offer and just think how happy you’d make Mrs S.”

Told him to stick to the Father Christmas act and, under no circumstances, to consider stand up comedy.

Went to Fenella’s for lunchtime drinks and nibbles to await the delivery of our cookbooks - the volunteer dad could only spare a Sunday and Fenella had said she’d store them.  All very exciting - to finally get to see the finished product and how it had all come together.

Fenella said it was only right that we should be together for the occasion and we could pretend it was a mini book launch.  She’d even bought fancy little canapés and had Max, Todd and Charlotte pretend to be waiting staff - they thought this was great fun and, even though the dogs probably ended up with as much as us, they did a great job.

A couple of G & T’s down by the time they arrived and we eagerly opened one of the boxes.  They really did look very professional and, I begrudgingly admit, worth the money we’d been told to charge.  The tempting recipes far out-weighed the foul ones and our Googled pictures looked very convincing in all their glossy glory.

We had a huge girlie hug of relief - looks like we pulled it off. Tomorrow we start with the hard sell.

Ned and Josh toasted our continued success and said how proud they were of us - all got a bit lovey-dovey and corny.

A perfect book launch!

Monday 10
^th
November  AM

Lots more “Ho-ho-ho’s” and “My elves have got a special little something lined up for
you
this year,” over breakfast - God I’ll be glad when Saturday’s over.  Why does my husband have to throw himself so whole-heartedly into roles?  Even caught him on the phone to Nic last night asking him where he thought FC’s character motivation should come from and “Am I right to be working through the voice or should I be building the man through his walk?”  My husband, the closet actor.

Set up in the hall with Fenella after school to promote the cookbook.  Had to stop her when she threatened to call out, “Roll up, roll up.  Get ya luverly grub books ‘ere,” but we were amazed that they sold … well … like hot-cakes!  Already more than halfway through our first batch and lots of orders in the bag. 

We are officially CCL fundraisers!  Well that was obvious when we saw the looks of Gestapo and the Gnome - they really should stop smearing cow dung under their noses, they’d look so much more attractive.

PM

Wrapping, wrapping and wrapping - still working my way through FC presents and lucky dip prizes.

Max thinks his home has turned into Santa’s grotto and Ned thinks it’s turned into a sweat-shop.

Not long to go …

Tuesday 11
^th
November  AM

Max was so sweet this morning over breakfast.  He said he thought I was the best mummy ever and he loved me so much for all the hard work I’d done for the Christmas fair.

“And you know, Mummy, I heard my teachers talking in the playground and they said it was mummies like you that made the school a nicer place to work. It’s the snotty bitches who make it horrid.”

The innocence with which this was repeated stopped me from reprimanding him and, in fact, brought a tear to my eye - part sentimental, part knicker-wetting belly-laugh.

Couldn’t wait to get to the school to pass that little gem on to Fenella.

PM

Wrapping, wrapping, wrapping.

Happy, happy, happy.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!

Manic? Me?

Wednesday 12
^th
November  AM

Have managed to keep back some of the cookbooks to show at the fair so that we can take more orders as we’ve just about sold out of the first batch.  We’ll have raised way up above a term’s school fees for CCL so we couldn’t be happier.

In contrast to Gestapo, the Gnome and cronies, who stand sneering at the gates muttering about the fund raising,“It’s like wandering into a shop and seeing something that you want but can’t afford.  Do you really expect a
nice
lady to come in and just offer to buy it
for you
?”  Another added
her
gripe, “You can’t afford, you don’t get.”

Cliché after cliché - not stopping to think how small minded and selfish they sound.  Fenella said that most of them would be nothing without their sugar daddies but, of course, that thought wouldn’t enter their Meemie psyche.

Sent up a silent prayer that, if I ever won the lottery, I’d stay true to myself and be kind and decent like F&J - can’t imagine a few extra noughts in our bank account turning me into a hard-nosed bitch but they do say money can change you.

It would certainly transform my wardrobe though and I’d need to make regular donations to charities to compensate for not buying my clothes there anymore.  I’d hate to think that my gain resulted in someone else’s loss.

Then
I could go to Armani and
Chanel with a clear conscience.  The difficult part would be telling Lou!

PM

Ned moaning that his MG-goddess-type-wife has disappeared and turned into a wrapping freak - all he ever gets now is pasta and salad, if he’s lucky.

Told him he knows where the kitchen and the new cookbook are, so go and get chopping.

Think I heard him mutter something about Mrs Christmas not treating Father Christmas like that after a hard night delivering presents.

Advised him that, if he got his elves to help, we’d get fed a lot quicker.  If he wants help getting  into character, I’m the girl for the job.

Thursday 13
^th
November

Poo and Shaaaron have now snaffled away other ‘inappropriate tombola donations’ - one being a bottle of Liebfraumilch (“too naff for words!”)

The last stash consigned to the cupboard was given with our Harvest Festival contributions in October so I think I’ll organise an extra delivery to the local old folk’s home next week.  Bet they’d love a bottle of German wine, glacé fruits and liqueur chocolates to make their Christmas go with a swing.