Diary of a Mad Bride (6 page)

A
beautiful arrangement of lilies was sitting on my desk when I arrived at work. I assumed they were from Stephen. A small token of his endless love. I saw a blow job in his immediate future.

Barry is the office butt-kisser and resident troublemaker. If you're late for work or leave early or happen to miss a deadline, Barry is the one to let everyone know about it. He's nosy, obsequious, and calculating. Unfortunately, in addition to sharing a secretary, the ever-lovely Kate, we're both Associate Features Editors, which means that someday, when Mr. Spaulding leaves, retires, or is secretly murdered in his sleep by Barry, one of us will have his job. And
the other one won't. Barry almost had an aneurysm when I got the “Faces in the City” issue.

But today I'd barely been in my office five seconds when Barry burst through the door—grand, effusive, and smacking of disingenuousness.

BARRY

Oh good, you got the flowers. I ordered them the minute I heard the fabulous news. Congratulations. It's just stupendous.

ME

Why the sudden interest in my private life?

BARRY

Don't be silly. We're a family here. You and I are like siblings.

Cain and Abel, anyone?

BARRY

So have you set a date yet?

ME

No.

BARRY

Well hurry up and get on that. You wouldn't want that man of yours to chicken out.

ME

Don't worry.

BARRY

Who's worried? I'm thrilled! Now tell me how Dream Boy popped the question.

There's no way I'm telling Barry about my concession-line proposal.

ME

Did you remember to wish Mr. Spaulding happy birthday?

BARRY

His birthday isn't until June 15th. He's a Gemini.

ME

That's odd. He loved the birthday card I gave him this morning.

And before you could say “brown-noser” he was out the door.

I
've decided to forgive Anita's less than enthusiastic endorsement of my wedding plans and ask her to be my maid of honor. She'll keep me laughing, honest, well dressed, and entertained—even if she maligns the concept of marriage in between shots of Jagermeister. Short of asking her to bear my child, it's the greatest compliment I can give her. And honestly, she's been my best friend since she hustled me into the ladies' room during a press conference, to inform me that I'd tucked my skirt into my pantyhose. So she deserves it. I just hope Mandy isn't too upset when she finds out.

Who am I kidding? Mandy's so self-absorbed these days she barely notices Jon.

ANITA

I know this is supposed to be an honor and I'm flattered that you thought of me. But I just can't get into it.

ME

What do you mean you can't get into it? Does that mean you're saying no?

ANITA

Exactly.

ME

You can't say no. No one ever says no to that question. Besides, you're my best friend. It's the greatest compliment I can give you.

ANITA

Come on, Amy. You know how I feel about marriage. From where I stand the only thing worse than being someone's maid of honor would be bearing their child.

I
knew Mandy would appreciate the maid of honor position. With her high regard for marriage and the “show of shows” that are weddings, she would acquit herself admirably in the role. She will provide me with the perfect balance of support, guidance, assistance—and, when necessary, fealty.

Crass as that sounds, I've begun to sense that fealty will
have its moments in this ritual. As will loose tea, pink balloons, and prissy little finger sandwiches at my Stepford Wives bridal shower.

ME

Listen, Mandy. You've been one of my best friends since college and I can't think of a better way to express my appreciation than to ask you to be my maid of honor.

I practiced this speech several times before delivering it. I've cherished Mandy ever since she held back my hair while I vomited profusely from my first encounter with grain alcohol. So it was important to me that she knew my offer was sincere and heartfelt. Because it was.

But most of all I wanted to ensure that she'd say yes, because the thought of two people refusing to be my maid of honor was just too damn depressing.

MANDY

So you finally got around to asking me. I guess this means Anita said no.

ME

Who told you?

MANDY

You did. Just now.

ME

Shit!

MANDY

What were you thinking, asking Anita to be your maid of honor? That's like inviting Kate Moss to the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

ME

Well…

MANDY

Anyway, I'd be delighted to be your maid of honor.

ME

Oh thank goodness! It really means a lot.

MANDY

It should. You clearly need all the help you can get. Although I can't possibly do anything until after my own wedding.

ME

Of course. But what do you mean I need help? I've got everything under control.

MANDY

Do you have a wedding date?

ME

No.

MANDY

A wedding dress?

ME

No.

MANDY

A wedding song?
¹⁶

ME

No. But I've read all the bridal magazines and I've compiled a detailed list of things to do.

MANDY

No offense, but those magazines are worthless. With the possible exception of the one by Martha Stewart.

Hey, she's not related to Stephen, is she?

ME

Not that I know of.

MANDY

Too bad. Anyway, the fact remains that any bride worth her floral budget knows that the single most essential tool when planning a wedding is the
Beautiful Bride
book.

So Mandy had been holding out on me. Sure, she
could
have mentioned the
Beautiful Bride
book weeks ago when I first announced my engagement. But no. She had to see me squirm until I finally got around to asking her to be my maid of honor. Talk about passive-aggressive.

Luckily I really do have things under control. The date and the dress can be chosen in under fifteen minutes. As for the song—has anyone ever heard a little ditty entitled “Here Comes the Bride”? Please. As much as I want to benefit from Mandy's experience, I refuse to succumb to her neuroses.

N
ot surprisingly,
Beautiful Bride
's glossy cover boasts a picture of an attractive blonde dressed like a bride. I've decided to name her Prudence.

Prudence has creamy white skin free of wrinkles, pores, and pimples. Her hair is molded into a massive bun that
should protect her from falling debris in the event that she passes a construction site. But if she
is
wounded at a construction site, the tiaralike ornament mounted on top of her massive bun will undoubtedly transmit an emergency distress signal along any of the AM frequencies.

And don't for a minute think Prudence broke the bank on the tiara and skimped on the gown. Her elaborate taffeta dress could easily make bed skirts for all of Kensington Palace.

But what alarms me about Prudence is her smile.

It's big and long as if the corners of her mouth have been stretched back and taped to her earlobes, and her teeth, polished to a high-intensity white, bulge in an effort to break free.

It's the smile of someone struggling to convince herself she's happy.

I
introduced Stephen as my fiancé for the first time today. Very strange. It was like telling someone he's my brother. Or my gynecologist. It had to be a lie. How could he be my fiancé? That would mean I'm getting married. And how ridiculous is that?

So I dissolved into laughter.

I
have seen the future. It's not pretty.

Mandy's bridal shower was today. Her sister, Kendall, threw it in the Cranbrook Hotel. The Cranbrook is famous
for its Women Only policy. When it realized that the policy had failed to ensure chastity within its hallowed halls it adopted a tacit, constitutionally illegal, albeit impossible to prove policy of no homosexuals. What a warm and embracing environment in which to celebrate love.

I only knew a handful of the shower guests from college. The rest were women whom Mandy had met over the years who share her love of shelter magazines, summers in the Hamptons, and QVC. Bubbly young women whose nail polish matched their lipstick and whose legs were always crossed.

For what seemed like an eternity we “oohed” and “aahed” over gifts, giggled innocently at lingerie barely racy enough to get a clock-radio started, and used the discarded ribbons to decorate a paper plate for Mandy to wear as a hat. As an expression of my affection and to assuage my guilt over not asking her to be my maid of honor first (especially since I was busted on it), I maxed out my credit card and bought Mandy an extraordinarily expensive tea set. I knew she'd love it. Martha Stewart did.

During this time I kept discussion of my own engagement to a minimum and actively avoided the topic of wedding proposals. The last thing I wanted was the outpouring of pity that my concession-stand wedding proposal was certain to elicit from this crowd.

The highlight of the event was seeing Mandy eat. She's been starving herself since May. If it's not steamed, poached, or in a Jenny Craig wrapper, she's not going for it. But today she celebrated by eating a slice of cake so thin you could shine a light through it. Afterward, to alleviate her potential consternation, one of the guests offered her an Ex-Lax. Clearly love has no bounds.

As I drank my peach-flavored iced tea I began to worry.
I don't want a bridal shower like this. A cookie-cutter affair that follows all the “rules” and bores me to tears. I'm not like those Bubbly Young Women. I'm creative. I'm rational. I don't cross my legs when I sit on the toilet! My bridal shower should be exciting. A gambling junket to Atlantic City. All-night club-hopping. Naked karaoke. Anything but a lobotomized gathering featuring laxatives and cake. Where's the fun in that?

Ugh.

B
eautiful Bride
is closer to a computer circuitry book than a primer for weddings. It's filled with pointers, tips, rules, charts, diagrams, and a ton of very fine print.

I've only been engaged for a month and already I'm three months behind “schedule.” Who knew I had a schedule? I don't even have a wedding date yet.

Additionally, it appears that I've left a number of very important items off my list.

Official THINGS TO DO List

1. Choose wedding date

2. Tell boss wedding date

3. Vacation time for honeymoon

4. Decide on honeymoon

5. Get minister

6. Choose reception venue

7. Make guest list

8. Choose maid of honor

9. Choose best man

10. Register for gifts

11. Arrange for engagement party

12. Buy engagement ring

13. Buy wedding rings

14. Buy wedding dress

15. Choose maid of honor dress

16. Order wedding cake

17. Hire caterer

18. Hire band for reception

19. Order flowers for ceremony

20. Buy shoes

21. Plan rehearsal dinner

22. Invites to rehearsal dinner

23. Hire musicians for ceremony

24. Decide on dress code

25. Get marriage license

26. Hire videographer

27. Hire photographer

28. Order table flowers

29. Order bouquets

30. Order boutonnieres for men

31. Order nosegays for women

32. Order invitations

33. Decide on wine selection

34. Postage for invitations

35. Choose hairstyle and makeup

36. Buy gifts for attendants

37. Buy thank-you notes

38. Announce wedding in newspaper

39. Buy headpiece

40. Buy traveler's checks for honeymoon

41. Apply for visas

42. Get shots and vaccinations

43. Order tent if necessary

44. Order chairs/tables if necessary

45. Make budget

46. Divide expenses

47. Make table-seating charts

48. Choose bridesmaid dress

49. Decide on menu

50. Decide on hors d'oeuvres

51. Decide on dinner-service style

52. Decide on staff-guest ratio

53. Decide seated or buffet

54. Reserve vegetarian meals

55. Reserve band/photographer/videographer meals

56. Make photo list

57. Choose hotel for wedding night

58. Hire limo for church-reception transport

59. Buy guest book for reception

60. Find hotel for out-of-towners

61. Decide on liquor selection

62. Hire bartenders

63. Verify wheelchair accessibility

64. Choose processional music

65. Choose recessional music

66. Choose cocktail music

67. Choose reception music

68. Choose ceremony readings

69. Prepare birdseed instead of rice

70. Schedule manicure/pedicure/wax