Diary of a Chav (19 page)

Nan came over at twelve o’clock and we all had a glass of sparkly wine with orange in it, like rich folk do. Then we ate Christmas dinner and Christmas pudding and no one mentioned the burned sausages, and the dog was allowed a plate of turkey and stuffing and we wore wonky paper-hats and we told silly jokes and Dad got a bit drunk and did his Elvis-Presley-on-the-toilet impression again.

Nan and Mum got on quite well and no one called Cava-Sue or Lewis scroungers. Then Wesley Barrington Bains II came round for a Christmas drink and my dad, brother, and Lewis whipped him off to the kitchen and they played poker for money and drank lagers.

I’ve just opened Nan’s pressies. She got me another diary. And this big huge massive book which is the
Complete Works of Shakespeare.
Nan says it will come in handy next year when I stay on and study. Cava-Sue and Nan both agree that I’ll have to tell Mum soon, ’cos it’ll cause World War Three when she finds out. They both say I might as well get it over and done with as soon as possible.

But as I say, Christmas is all about getting along together and peace and goodwill to mankind and that sort of malarkey.

I’ll probably tell her tomorrow.

Hello Shirazheads, how’s it going, okay?!

Okay, it’s been brought to my attention by some bare jokes people that although Shiraz Bailey Wood always “keeps it real,” sometimes she don’t always speak real English like it’s supposed to be talked! I’m just me though, innit? I can’t be no one different, can I?

Anyway, I don’t want my lovely American cousins to feel confused, so here is what posh folk would call a “glossary.” Basically, it’s a list of words so you can understand what the flipping heck I’m yaddering on about. Hope it helps. Love and stuff,

— Shiraz xxx

GLOSSARY

Acceptable Behavior Contract:
(n.) A piece of paper one signs and gives to the UK government to say you promise to stop being a total jerk to everyone you live near. People sign ABCs instead of going to jail or paying fines, then when they break their contract (which they normally do ’cos they’re
jerks
) they’re in even more trouble.

A-Level:
(n.) Advanced level exams. Teenagers take these at 18 to qualify to go on to University. You can either leave school at 16 and work somewhere rubbish like a pakora factory or make a choice to carry on in education and do your A-Levels. But A-Levels are really tough so only the nerds and swots end up doing them.

ASBO:
(n.) Anti-social behavior order. The police give ASBOs to people to stop them causing trouble in a certain place. So if you always cause trouble in the park, your ASBO might forbid you visiting the park for 6 months. The Brunton-Fletchers have a
lot
of ASBOs.

Asylum seeker:
(n.) People from all over the world who come to Britain looking for help and a place to stay when they’re about to be killed back home.

Baps:
(n.) Boobs. Also boobies, breasts, blouse potatoes.

Barney:
(n.)
1:
Carrie Draper’s dad.
2:
An argument
. “I was having a right old barney with him.”

Bashment:
(n.) A party.

Bint:
(n.) An annoying woman.
“
’
Ere I was standing in the line at KFC, right, and this bint pushes in before me and orders a Bargain Bucket!”

Blank:
(vb.) To ignore someone.
“So he comes over, right? And he’s being all up in my face trying to make me notice him but I just totally blanked him.”

Blinding:
(adj.) Amazing, incredible. Not so incredible you actually poke your eyes out though. That would be proper dangerous.

Bogtrots:
(n.) When you have to trot (run) to the bog (the loo) after eating something that makes you feel ill and is determined to make a quick exit out of your bum.

Bollocks:
1:
(n.) Dangly items found in boys’ underpants, which normally come in a pair.
2:
(adj.) Bull.
“Have you heard the new Usher album?” “Oh yeah, it’s a bit bollocks if you ask me.”
3:
A curse.
“BOLLOCKS! I’ve lost my phone again!”

Bredren:
(n.) Brother or brothers. Except not your real brothers, just your friends or your crew.
“Aight bredren, how’s it going?”

Buzzing:
(vb.) Feeling really excited.

Chattering classes:
(n.) The posh people who write newspapers and make TV shows in Britain who think they know everything.

Chav:
(n.) A poor working class person in Britain. Not a nice word. A bit like calling someone “trailer trash.” I am NOT a chav by the way. (Okay, Uma Brunton-Fletcher is a bit though ’cos they have a broken refrigerator in their front garden.)

Cheggers:
(n.) Wacky, krrrazy, totally “mental” tv presenter who appears on GMTV (Good Morning Television!) in Britain banging on people’s doors at 7
AM
and giving them a surprise cheque. Man this guy sucks, big time.

Chippy:
(n.) The fish and chip shop.
“Oi, if you’re going down the chippy get me a battered sausage and a pickled egg!”

Chuck(ed) a sickie:
(vb.) Call your workplace and tell them you’re ill, when it might not exactly be true you’re ill; in fact, you’re actually just going to the beach.

Chuffed:
(adj.) Happy, pleased.
“Awww, Wazzle is well chuffed, his ASBO doesn’t stretch as far as Wembley Stadium so we can get tickets for Beyoncé!”

Coronation Street:
(n.) Soap opera about northern folk that has played three times a week in Britain since before dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Cotch:
(vb.) To hang out or stay somewhere.
“You wanna cotch at my house tonight?”

Dale Winton
(n.) Skinny, very very camp, permanently fake orange-tanned TV presenter who appears on a low-budget British television channel presenting game shows.

Dog Borstal:
(n.) This is a show about dog training. Chavs love it as they all own Staffordshire Bull Terriers that wreck their sofas.

Dossing:
(vb.) To lie about doing nothing.
“I’ve been dossing about all day.”

Duffers:
(n.) Old crinkly faced people who play Bingo and have either no hair or hair like cotton wool and stand on their front porches all day quacking on about “the youth of today” and take five hours to pay for a loaf of bread in the supermarket and believe that a nice cup of tea will solve everything and that life was better when Queen Victoria was monarch and it was legal to use five-year-old kids to clean chimneys and a good public hanging every Saturday kept everyone in order.

Earwigging:
(vb.) Listening to something you ain’t supposed to be. What mothers do when you’re on the phone. Or when a boy you fancy walks past and you want to hear what he’s saying.

EastEnders:
(n.) A soap opera about London folk which plays three times a week on BBC1 in Britain. It is properly depressing but everyone is addicted to it.

Fancy:
(vb.) To have the hots for someone.
“I fancy him! I fancy him rotten!”

Fangita-eater:
(n.) This is a pretty, erm, rude word for a girl who thinks other girls are hot and doesn’t fancy boys.

Fit:
(adj.) Good looking.
“He is soooo fit.”
The Jonas Brothers are
fit.
Zac Ephron is
fit.
A girl can be
fit
too, though. But I don’t think girls are fit. I ain’t no fangita-eater or nothing.

Fizzing:
(adj.) Angry, irate.

Flash:
(adj.) Posh, like you’re wealthy.
“He looked flash in his new suit.”

Flog:
(vb.) To sell something.
“I’m going to flog my bike, I need some cash.”

Front her out:
(vb.) Stand up to her, don’t let her get the better of you.
“She was being all aggressive but I fronted her out.”

Gaff:
(n.) House, home, where you live.

GCSE:
(n.) The exam sixteen-year-olds take before they can choose to move onto A-levels. Everyone who is sixteen in Britain takes GCSE exams. Then it’s your choice whether you want to quit school
forever
or study for some A-Levels, bearing in mind that studying for A-Levels will involve carrying on at school and being moaned at by teachers for another two years.

Geezer:
(n.) A man, a bloke, a guy.

Get the hump:
(vb.) To take offense.
“So she says to me, ‘’Ere, was that dress on sale in Top Shop or something ’cos it well looks cheap?’ Well I proper got the hump, I did!”

Gob: 1:
(n.) Mouth.
2:
(vb.) To spit.
“He walked into class and gobbed his chewing gum on the floor! Ugh!”

Gobby:
(adj.) To be noisy and talk a lot.

Goolies:
(n.) Round, soft items which come in pairs and are usually located in the underpants district of boys. See also:
Bollocks.

Grass her up:
(vb.) To tell the police/teachers/someone’s parents about someone. Narc, tattle, sing, tell, spill, squeal.
“I had no choice mate, I had to grass her up!”

Grime:
(n.) A type of UK rap/dance music. Often comes from grime collectives, a gang of people who make grime music together.

Gutted:
(adj.) Really disappointed. So disappointed, you feel like someone’s smacked you in the guts.

Hacked off:
(adj.) Annoyed.
“Is that lovebite on your neck from my Trevor?! OMG I am totally hacked off!”

Hackiest look:
(n.) Dirty look like you hate someone.

Have a butcher’s at him:
(vb.) Take a look at him. This is Cockney rhyming slang that comes from East London. It uses phrases that rhyme with a word to replace the word. “Look” rhymes with “butcher’s hook” so it becomes “butcher’s.” Likewise, “pork pies” rhymes with “lies” so you can tell what “telling porkies” is.

Hollyoaks:
(n.) Soap opera that shows five times a week on Channel Four in Britain. A bit like the British version of
The OC
or
Gossip Girl
. Beautiful people having “problems” and “scenarios” etc.

Hoodie:
(n.) A hooded sweatshirt or sports top. The British are obsessed with hoodies and think that if kids wear them with the hood up it means they’re a criminal. LMAO. “Hoodie” has now came to mean “kid who causes trouble.”
“I’ll tell you who I reckon stole my car stereo? It’ll be those hoodies from down the road who hang out by the chicken shop!”

Kinder Surprise Eggs:
(n.) A small chocolate egg you get in Britain that always has little plastic toy in it that your put together yourself. It seems like the best candy ever when you’re a kid but now I think about it there’s only a limited amount of fun you can have with a plastic frog. It blows really.

Kip:
(vb.) To sleep.
“Ah, man, get up. You can’t kip here on my couch, Mum’ll flip.”

Knackered:
(adj.) Tired, shattered, exhausted.

Knob:
(n.) A boy’s penis. But it’s also an insult too.
“Stop being a knob!”

Lairy:
(adj.) In the mood for fighting. Aggressive.

Whinging:
(vb.) To moan and complain. Also
whinger
(n.)

Last of the Summer Wine:
(n.) This is the most boring “comedy” in the universe. It’s a comedy about old men in a boring village getting into all sorts of “heart-warming scrapes.” Despite never being funny, it is on every week and always has been and always will be until the end of time due to the cast making a pact with Lucifer in 1982 and becoming immortal. My nan thinks it is
hilarious.

Lemon:
(n.) A girl who has the hots for other girls. See also:
Fangita-eater
.

Liberty: 1:
(n.) A female who is really cheeky and just does whatever she wants.
“She is a right liberty, she is.”

Lush:
(adj.) Gorgeous, handsome.

Mardy:
(adj.) Sour-faced. In a sulk. Miserable.

Marmite:
(n.) Brown yeast extract spread that British people have on toast, which to an American person who isn’t used to it will taste like Satan’s jockstrap.

Ming(ing): 1:
(adj.) Ugly.
“Man, she’s got a nice body but her face is totally minging!”
2:
(vb.) To be ugly.
“OMG — he mings big style! You have got to split up with him!”
3: Minger
(n.) An ugly, ugly person.
“Don’t be setting me up on any more blind dates with mingers!”

Mufties:
(n.) Ladies’ downstairs hairy private bits commonly found at the front of the body.

Mush:
(n.) Mouth, gob.
“Oi! Shut your mush!”

Narky:
(adj.) In a bad mood. Takes offense.

Neither use nor ornament:
(adj.) Totally useless; it’s neither useful nor even pretty to look at. Something your nan might say.

Nicking:
(vb.) Stealing, thieving.

Norks:
(n.) Knockers. Also: boobs, boobies, norkers, norgs, norgers. See also:
baps.

NVQ:
(n.) National Vocational Qualification. An exam you take in Britain instead of your A-Levels specifically to get a job like a plumber or an electrician.