Diane's Remembrance (Second Chance #4) (3 page)

“Diane, can I ask you something?” David Matthews asks me as we are walking out the front doors of the school.

“Umm..sure, David.” I answer, uncertain of what he wants to ask me. Our parents had always wanted us to get together, but after Karla was born my parents stopped talking to me about him.

“Will you go to the movies with me on Saturday?” He asks and I stop walking. He cannot be serious.

“Why are you asking me out?” I ask him with a tilt of my head.

“I’m asking you out because I want to go out with you. Diane, we have known each other since birth and I have liked you since before you had Karla. That never changed.”

“Oh, wow, umm.” I say and try to figure out if he’s being truthful or just trying to get a laugh from his friends.

“Tell ya what. If you can get your Mom to watch Karla for a little while this afternoon I will prove to you that my feelings are real.” He tells me, picking up on my hesitance.

“Okay. I’ll ask her when I get home. She’s had Karla all day so she may not be up to watching her any longer, but I’ll ask.”

“If she doesn’t, then bring her with you. I don’t mind spending time with the both of you.” He says and my heart melts. Never had I gone out with anyone like David. Karla was almost one and I had only had two dates since she was born. Both guys were looking for one thing and I wasn’t that person anymore.

“I can do that. I’ll meet you at your house after school.” I tell him and he smiles.

“Perfect.” He says as he grabs my hand and places a soft kiss on my palm. “See ya then.” He tells me then releases my hand and heads to the group of trees where the jocks eat lunch.

“Diane, here’s the paper you asked for. Are you writing another letter to Karla?” The guard asked her as he handed her the paper. She wrote to Karla almost daily and had accumulated a small stack of letters under her mattress. Letters Karla would probably never see. Today she was wanting to tell her about her brother, Elliot.

“Yep.” She answered then dropped her head to look at the blank paper in front of her. “Thank you.” She whispered to the guard as he walked off.

My Dearest Karla,

Today I am writing to tell you about someone I kept from you. I will probably never send this, but I have to write it out anyway.

When you were two years old I had another baby. I was married and in love with my husband, but the darkness from the past was creeping back in. In previous letters I told you about your name and how I came up with it and about everything that had led to me losing my two best friends. I have also told you about your father. Now I’m going to tell you about David, your step-father, and Elliot, your brother.

David was the love of my life. He was a light that kept the dark nights from creeping into my soul and destroying me. He was my anchor to this earth. I loved him more than I should have and he loved you deeply.

The day David asked me to marry him was the second happiest day of my life, the first being the day you were born. I was overjoyed and couldn’t wait to be Mrs. David Matthews. Then I found out I was pregnant. We had taking precautions, but I still got pregnant. I saw this baby as a blessing and David was thrilled. We pushed the wedding up and were married on New Year’s. We lived with his parents and I couldn’t have been happier.

Then the unexpected happened. One day, shortly after the wedding, I was at the little bakery I worked at and two women walked in. I didn’t recognize them at first, but when I did I was transported back to that scared and broken twelve year old again. I was back in the night Karla and Ann were beaten, raped and murdered. You see, the two women who entered the bakery were Karla’s and Ann’s moms.

Instead of helping them I got the owner to take care of them and I went into the bathroom and hid. I was afraid they would blame me for the deaths of their daughters, blame me for not dying too.

When I got home that night I begged David to move to the city, to leave our home, and he agreed. Anything to make me happy, but he wanted to wait until the baby was born. I wasn’t happy about it, but I agreed. It would give his father time to find someone to help at the farm.

Shortly before your brother was born tragedy struck and David’s father was killed. David decided we should stay at the farm for a while to help his Mom and I was furious. I had to get out of this town. Karla’s parents had moved here and I couldn’t be in the same town as them, I couldn’t handle the memories seeing them stirred up.

On the night Elliot was born I made a decision. I had to leave, with our without David. I never held Elliot, even though I wanted to desperately, because I knew if I did I would never be able to do what I knew I had to do.

When David left early the next morning to feed the livestock I wrote him a note, a very harsh note, and I left. I had to break ties to him, to Elliot, to you, if I was going to get away from the demons that were threatening to destroy me.

Once I was gone I reverted to the person I was before I found out I was pregnant with you. I let the darkness in and wasn’t the same person anymore. I never let go of that darkness. I loved my freedom and as long as I didn’t let myself get sober I was okay.

That’s all I wanted to tell you for now, but you will probably never see this letter so it really doesn’t matter.

I love you, Karla and I always have.

Love, Mom.

When Diane laid the pen down she read back over what she wrote then picked up the letter and shoved it her pocket. She didn’t know if she would ever give it to Karla, but until she decided she’d keep it safe. “It won’t make a difference now anyway”, she mumbled to herself as she walked back to her cell.

“Diane, you have a visitor.” Jason, Diane’s favorite guard, said as he opened the door to her cell.

“I have a visitor?” She asked in awe. She had been here three weeks and hadn’t have any visitors since the first week. “Who is it?”

“His name is Andrew Peterson and he says he’s Karla’s foster father.”

Diane looked at Jason in shock for a minute before she stood from the desk, where she had been writing Karla another letter, and followed him to the visitor’s area. When she took a seat at the table and looked through the protective glass she was taken aback at the sight of the man before her.

He looked at her for a second before he picked up the phone beside him and nodded for her to do the same. Once she had it picked up he started talking. “Hello, Ms. Hall. My name is Dr. Andrew Peterson and your daughter, Karla, has been living with me and my wife for the past two weeks.”

“How is she?” Diane asked before she could stop herself.

“She’s doing really well actually, despite everything she’s been through.” Andrew answered in a distant voice.

“Good, that’s good.” Diane responded absently.

“Ms. Hall, I came to see you because Karla is happy. She’s getting ready to start school and seems to be adjusting well to the environment she’s in. I’ve come to ask you for something. I’ve come to ask you to leave her alone once you are released. You are a toxic person and she does not need to be exposed to you any longer.”

“Dr. Peterson, you don’t know anything about me. All you know is what she’s told you and she’s a liar. She never let me be happy so why should I let her? She ruined my life from the time she was born.” Diane spat hatefully. Saying the words nearly broke her, but she could not let anyone know her weakness. She had to continue to make everyone want to keep Karla from her because what he said was true. She knew she was toxic and knew that Karla deserved better than she’s gotten over the past six years. “But I won’t bother her. I didn’t want her to begin with.” At least that much was true.

“That’s all I ask.” Andrew said and stood from his seat. “Oh, and one more thing, Karla is an amazing child. She is so smart and sweet that no one would even recognize the lost and broken child she was just a couple of weeks ago.” With that he hung up the phone and walked away. Diane sat there for what felt like hours thinking about what Andrew said. She was happy that Karla had found a family to embrace her and care for her.

When Diane returned to her cell she sat at the desk again and started writing another letter to Karla.

My Dearest Karla,

In my last letter I told you about your brother, Elliot, and why I left you both. Now I want to tell you about someone else you may meet someday. You have a younger sister too. When I found out I was pregnant with her I was deep into drugs and alcohol and didn’t even know who her father was.

I went into a drug rehab and got clean while I was pregnant, but I knew I couldn’t stay clean so I put her up for adoption. On the night she was born I talked to the couple who was adopting her and found out they were naming her Bryleigh. That’s all I really know except that they were both lawyers and could take care of her a lot better than I could. She is nine years old now and I haven’t seen her since the night she was born. I haven’t bothered to look for her at all.

During the time I was clean I did return to Texas briefly. I came to your Kindergarten recital and watched you perform. I stayed in the back by the doors so Mom and Daddy wouldn’t see me and I left as soon as your class took their bow. On my visit I also saw Elliot. He was three at the time and David and Mary really didn’t want me around him, but I did see him. He is so handsome with his blond hair and big blue eyes. It broke my heart to leave y’all, but I knew I had to. I knew I couldn’t take two innocent children with me on my path of self-destruction.

As for your sister, the family who adopted her knows of you and Elliot and I hope that someday they allow her to meet the two of you. If not I pray you three find each other.

There is one more thing I have to say. I have to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. Most of all I’m sorry I never protected you the way I was supposed to.

All my love, even if you don’t believe it,

Mom 

After she signed it, Diane took the letter and shoved it under her mattress. She wasn’t sure if she should rip them all up or not so she was going to hang on to them until she decided what to do. The only one she would never rip up was the one about Alexander. Karla needed to know that.

Once she had the mattress back in place she laid down, closed her eyes and drifted into a dream filled sleep.

“Diane?!”

I hear my name being called, but I’m trying to ignore it. I don’t want him to find me. I don’t want him to hurt me again.

“Diane if you don’t answer me I swear I’ll kill you.”

I know he means it so I crawl out from under the blankets and answer in a sleepy voice. “Nolan, honey, what’s wrong. I was asleep.”

“I walk through this door after a long day at work and you’re asleep? You are a useless bag of flesh!” He says and slaps me across the face. “Now get your ass in that kitchen and get me a beer. Than get supper cooked before I throw you out on your lazy ass.”

“I’ll get it done right away.” I respond and quickly walk into the kitchen. A few seconds later I hand him his beer, but before I can go back into the kitchen he grabs me around the waist and pulls me onto his lap.

“Mmm… you feel so good pressed up against me. Tonight we’re going to try something different and you’re going to let me do whatever I want. Is that understood?”

I gulp deeply and quickly answer. “You can do anything you want.”

“
That’s what I thought. Now get my supper so I can eat and then we can go to bed. It’s gonna be a long night.”

I hurry back to the kitchen and open a can of beef stew. We don’t have many options because he won’t let me work and he always has to have the best beer, no generic beer for him, but as long as he eats he’ll be happy.

“What’s taking so long? After a long day at the yard I just wanna come home, drink a few beers, eat my supper and go to bed. Is that so wrong?” He’s always talking about his long days at the lumber yard, but I never see any of that money. He gives me a grocery allowance every week, but I have to spend every cent on food and beer because he demands the receipt and any money I don’t spend he takes back, usually by beating it from me.

“It’s almost ready, honey.” I tell him and he grins. If I call him anything other than honey or baby I get punished. I learned that the hard way.

“Good, because I’m hungry and I’m not meaning just for food.” He grins when he says this and an evil sparkle shines in his eyes. I know tonight is going to be bad. I know what he wants and it scares me to death.

Later that night I lay in bed and think about the life I left. I think about my children and I am so glad they will never be exposed to Nolan, or any other man like him.

Diane was jarred from sleep by Carol jumping into her bunk. She lay there silently and remembered the dream she had. Nolan was the man she hooked up with after her last visit to Texas. She wasn’t with him but a few months before he found someone else, but he broke her.

Once Carol was settled into her bunk Diane got up and walked to the small desk in the cell. She had a couple more pieces of paper and felt she needed to write Karla another letter.

My Beautiful Karla,

I am writing you another letter, which you will probably never read, to tell you about some of the things I went through before your Grams and Pops died.

Right after I left Texas the last time I met a man named Harrison. He was a good man, a strong worker, a kind soul. Or so I thought. About three weeks after I moved in with him things changed. He lost his job and started drinking heavily. Then he started hitting me. It was just a few slaps at first, but then it became more. I won’t go into details because you lived through enough to know what I’m talking about, but I will tell you this, Harrison almost killed me. One night he came home drunk and I confronted him. He had taken the rent money I had worked for and spent it on whiskey at the bar. I confronted him when he got home and the next day I woke up in the hospital and he was in jail. I don’t remember much about what he did, but I had several broken bones and a collapsed lung.

My life continued like this for a few years, until the day I got the call from Daddy about Mom dying. I was afraid to return home because of what my life had become. I didn’t want to bring you into this world, I didn’t want you to know the fears I faced on a daily basis. I was scared.

I went home to try to help Daddy anyway, but when I got there he told me I would have to move back to that small town and help with you. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t face the demons who resided in that town, I couldn’t face the memories, but most of all I couldn’t face myself. I had become a person I hated and I just wanted it to all go away.

The night before Mom’s funeral I left. I went to a crummy, cheap motel and tried to kill myself. I was a worthless human being and I tried to take myself from this world. The only regret I have from that night is that it didn’t work. If I had succeeded you would have never had to face the hell you went through.

I will tell you more about this dark time in my next letter, but for now I am going to tell you something that may surprise you. I love you, Karla. I always have.

All my love,

Mom

When Diane finished the letter she shoved it under the mattress with the last few she’d written and then laid down. Sleep didn’t find her for several hours and when it did the dreams returned.