Dial L for Loser (32 page)

“Send in the delinquents,” squawked a familiar old lady’s voice from behind the beveled glass door. “One. At. A. Time.”

At that moment, if someone had asked Claire which she would prefer: (a) to be a nonfamous nobody again or (b) to get mobbed by tons of fans and then have to ask Principal Burns for a late slip, she would have picked (a) in a second.

The revelation shocked her. She used to lie awake at night making arrangements with God, like that if he made the girls at OCD like her, she’d fold her clothes the way her mother asked instead of stuffing them behind her armoire. But now that Claire was front-page news, she surprised herself by wanting out of this divine deal and made a mental note to delete “I have fans in Westchester” from her 2 Move or Not 2 Move list. It was creepy watching people buy her clothes and boring spending her Sunday choosing crowd-pleasing outfits. She didn’t want to strut to the beat of a slutty song. She didn’t want to worry how her sweaty bangs might look in cell-phones pictures. And she
really
didn’t want to be late for class.

“Ms. Block!” Principal Burns shouted. “Enter!”

Flashing her friends a she-so-doesn’t-scare-me eye-roll, Massie rose. “Did you see how many people wanted our autographs?” she leaned in and whispered, like that somehow made it all worth it. “I think I saw a few eighth graders there too. Hopefully they’ll tell Skye we—”

“Now!”

Snickering, Massie raced toward the principal’s office, gently closing the door behind her.

Claire sat on her shaking hands, wondering how Massie handled it all—the attention, the pressure, the jacketless winters.… Or maybe the better questions was, why did she
want
to?

A Sneak Peek of
Pretenders

9.4.12

INTERIOR. NOBLE HIGH—ALMOST LUNCHTIME.

A classroom stretches out before us. SHERIDAN SPENCER, an alluring freshman, sits center row, center seat. Poised, she click-starts her pen and writes.

Morning One as a Noble High freshman did not involve a lot of handholding. Like, none, in fact. Which was fine. It’s just not what I’m used to.

One might assume I do well in new situations because I channel celebrities for confidence. Like, right now for example, I am pretending to be Blake Lively. But if I’m being totally honest, which I am, first days are hard no matter how famous you act.

When I (as Blake) arrive someplace new I’m greeted right away. I’m given a tour of the set and offered a Dr Pepper on ice, no straw. My trailer is decorated to my exact specifications; boho-chic and stocked with Original, Tropical, and Sour Skittles. But this morning? Notsomuch. The only rainbow I tasted came from the Lucky Charms burp I tried to suppress at the Pick and Flick. (That’s what everyone calls the pickup/drop-off curb.)

FLASHBACK
.

It happened as I watched the taillights on my dad’s BMW M5 disappear into the morning fog. I was standing with my very best friend, Audri Dunsing. She always rides with me because we live in the same gated community and… well, more on her later. The point is, we were just standing at the Pick and Flick because we didn’t know where to go yet. I guess we could have followed everyone else, but we were kind of stunned because our middle school was tiny and this place is huge. Anyway, it’s raining and I’m trying to open my zebra umbrella. Backpacks are bashing into us and it’s total chaos. O’course, that’s when Audri gets a whiff of my burp and decides to shout:

Ewwwwww, Sheridan! Digestive tract issues much?

I managed to apply more Russian Red lipstick, which helped me hold on to a bit of Blake. But not enough. I was seriously mortified. So I go:
Sick! What is that smell?
while fanning the air all innocent. Then I fan-smacked some older Blair Waldorf–type in the neck.

Sorry, it was an accident.
(Me.)

You’re the accident!
(Her.)

Remember those old cartoons where the coyote runs off a cliff and freezes in the air? It isn’t until he looks down and realizes he’s in trouble that he falls. Well, that’s kind of what happened to me when Blair and her friends started laughing. I realized I wasn’t really Blake Lively and my confidence took a dive—whistle sound effects and all. Which turned me back into me: Sheridan Spencer, future screen star, including but not limited to TV, film, computer, and tablet. Current blooper.

Anyway, I pull Audri off the main path and onto the grass lawn—which is huge, by the way. As big as Spencer BMW (my dad’s dealership), which has, like, hundreds of sedans and SUVs, and I go:
Thanks a lot, Audri!

O’course she starts speed-blinking and I know exactly where this is going. Yes, I have a stronger stage presence than Audri. (I’ve played leads in
Wizard of Oz, Wicked
,
Annie
,
Mary Poppins
,
Beauty and the Beast
,
Hansel and Gretel
,
High School Musical
,
The Little Mermaid
,
Grease
, and six holiday tributes to the birth of Jesus.) But when it comes to fake crying? She’s the best. Our old drama coach called her Meryl Weep.

Why did you call me out on that burp?
(Me. Not letting it go.)

Sniffle, sniffle.
I’m sorry.
(Meryl.)

She took off her signature blue-framed glasses, jammed them in the pocket of her Lucky Brand denim jacket, and wiped her wet cheeks. I rolled my eyes.

Watch those tears, little freshman!
(Some random blond guy.)

He had choppy layers and blue eyes like Niall Horan from One Direction. But zero of Niall’s charm. I’m guessing from his rounded shoulders that he underdelivered on stage presence too. Anyway, after the tears comment he said:
I drove a convertible. If you make it rain I’m going to stuff you in my trunk.
Then he jingled his car keys in Audri’s face the way my mom used to do with the twins.

What was that for?
(Me, after he left.)

Audri shrugged and put her glasses back on.

FLASHBACK OVER
.

Whatever Zero Direction meant about the rain, he was right. It’s been pouring for hours. The good news is there have been no further embarrassments. The horrible news is that Audri and I don’t have a single class together. Not even lunch. And so far no one has made any effort to meet me. Maybe tomorrow I’ll channel a more approachable blonde like Reese Witherspoon.

Ms. Silver just gave us the ten-minute warning. So far she’s my favorite teacher. All we’ve done is write in these journals. She wants us to fill these pages by the end of the year. She swears she won’t read them. To prove it she gave us these leather cases with locks on them. She said she’d flip through the journals at the end of the year to make sure they’re full but that’s it. All she cares about is getting us away from computers. I’m going to record everything and eventually adapt these musings into a one-woman show. I can’t wait to tell Audri so she can do it too.

OMG! So the guy beside me is writing with unbridled passion. Hold on. I have to peek.

OMG! OMG! I side-eyed him at the exact same time he was side-eyeing me. A simultaneous side-eye. How romantic comedy is
that
? I smiled my eyes into narrow crinkles (like Blake’s). I must look fetching in my Russian Red lipstick because he got all nervous and looked away. He appears to be drawing hearts!

Are alleged hearts for me? Is he even cute? I want to peek again but—

The bell.

To Be Continued…

END SCENE.

Tuesday

Andrew Duffy. Andrew Duffy. Andrew Duffy. Andrew Duffy. Andrew Duffy. Andrew Duffy. Andrew Duffy. Everyone calls me Duffy. Duffy. Duffy. Duffy. Duffyyyyyyyyyyy.

Duffy.

Duffy.

Duffy.

Duffy.

Duffy.

Duffy.

Duffy.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

How am I supposed to write 250 pages about feelings in one year? Do we even have 250 feelings?

I’d ask Ms. Silver but she said no questions. Just write. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar or structure. Just write. She said some other stuff about pressure and being a freshman, but I yawned, and when I yawn I go deaf for a second. So I missed that part. Then she gave out these cases with locks so our thoughts stay private. But the logo on my case is the same as the one on those boxes my sisters jam in the trash. A half-open flower or something.

Uh, Ms. Silver, I don’t see how carrying a purse full of feelings is gonna help me deal with being a freshman. It might get me killed, though.

Some skinny dude by the window is drumming on his journal with a pencil. It’s kinda annoying and kinda bold cuz it’s a major diss to the teacher. She keeps looking up from her laptop but he’s not stopping. I bet he’s gonna be this year’s Class-
ick
. Last year it was Benji Stryker. He stole Hud’s DS and offered to sell it back to him for double the price. And Hud actually—

Ms. Silver just busted the drummer. He’s wearing this old Rolling Stones concert shirt and she called him Mick. Mostly everyone laughed. I didn’t. It would have been cooler if she called him Charlie Watts, cuz Charlie’s the drummer in the Stones. The guy does have a Mick thing going on, though, even though the real Mick’s hair is brown and the Class-
ick
’s is auburn. (I know that means reddish-brown because my sister Mandy is always stinking up the bathroom with her “auburn” hair color kits.) But their cuts are similar. You know, long and choppy. And he’s got that frog face girls would like if he was famous. Anyway, he stopped pencil drumming, so that’s good.

I want to look behind me and see what Coops is doing so I will. I will look behind me and see what Coops is doing. One, two, three…

I just saw Coops’s scalp. Either he has lice or dandruff because there were these white specks in his hair. His head is down like he’s taking a test. What is he writing about? Our other buddy Hudson is in a different class. Which is fine, I guess. We’ll all be on the basketball team together. I can’t wait for tryouts. Playing Varsity is going to be so cool.

Now what? Now what?

Now what?

Now what?

NOW WHAT?

Those
What I Did Over Summer Vacation
essays were cool because I got to write the same thing every year.

My essay was in paragraph form, but I decided to write it this way because numbering takes up more space.

Duffy. Duffy has the ball. Duffy is on fire. Duffy is unstoppable. Duffy shoots the winning basket!

Woo-hooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooo

Some girl in a yellow dress saw me making those o’s. Then she smiled. She has red lipstick on her tooth. I turned away really fast like I had some big feeling that needed to be written down. And now I’m just writing and writing to look busy. I hope someone tells her about her tooth. It looks like blood but I know it’s not, because my Bubbie Libby gets that all the time.

Bubbie is what Jewish people call their grandmothers. We’re not Jewish. But Bubbie Libby is. She converted when my grandfather died because she thinks Jewish men are good listeners, and she wants to die knowing what it feels like to have a real conversation. So she lives with us and waits for the Chosen One. Whatever that’s about.

Maybe I’ll email Amelia tonight. She got a scholarship to an all girls college in New York. She’s into poetry and women’s rights and talking about girl things that me and my dad do NOT want to hear about. She’s smart with journals and has tons of them locked in a safe. Like anyone would ever want to read this stuff.

The bell.

—LATER

Sept. 4.

Feelings? Get real. I stopped having feelings on February 13, 2012—the day my parents got tossed in jail.

I’ve been emancipated since I was fourteen.

I’m fifteen now.

I live alone.

I take care of myself.

I don’t have time for feelings.

My name is Jagger.

I don’t even have time for a last name.

—J

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My name is Lily, I turn fifteen next month, and I am eating for three. Wait, I think it’s four if you kount me, and ready for this: Mom and Dad are klueless kuz I still look way-skinny. Thank you, Karess.

Not only is Karess a personal trainer slash DJ, he is the father of my triplets. He’s into spelling C words with K’s so now I am too.

Back to my skinnyness.

Karess recommended protein bars and energy drinks to keep the baby weight off, and ready for this: Five months pregnant and I’ve already lost 11 pounds. Kan you believe?