Dex ARe (6 page)

My eyes settled on a furious pulse beat in Dex’s neck. It occurred to me this moment might feel like a dream to him too.

“I didn’t know,” I said. “Nobody told me you were coming home.”

He smiled and lifted a hand to my face. My eyes traveled from that pulse point on his neck and finally up to meet his eyes. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I’d been afraid to do it. This was too much. All of it. It was too much.

Dex. Here. Right in front of me. In some ways, I’d spent the last thirteen years convincing myself that the fast and furious time we’d spent together hadn’t been real. That I’d created some myth around how great we’d been together. First loves are like that, aren’t they? But everything came back to me. Everything I’d tried to blot out with time and distance. My heart and body seemed to cry out to touch him, to let him consume me just like he always did. It scared me. My breath came short, my heart fluttered and heat zinged through my blood, warming me with need. After all this time, he could still make me ache for him with just a look. God, what would happen if I let him touch me?

His hand hovered by my cheek. I had a sense that something similar was happening in him. His fingers twitched, like he was deciding what would happen if he finally touched me. Would I vanish like a dream? Would either of us be able to stop at just the innocent contact of his hand against my cheek?

“God.” His voice was ragged with emotion. “You’re more beautiful than I remembered. You’re the same ... almost.”

I studied his face, his features. He was my Dex, with his strong jaw, fierce, penetrating green eyes, thick black hair that I loved to run my fingers through. It was long and wavy at the ends, just brushing the leather collar on his cut. And,
oh God, his scent. I had all but forgotten the intoxicating smell of leather, clean soap and that underlying hint of musk that was all Dex. My head flooded with sense memories. Dex’s touch. Dex’s kiss. The way he awaken
ed my darkest desires with just the curve of his smirk or the slight arch of his brow.

Some things were different too. Of course they would be. Silver framed his temples and the lines of his face had hardened, giving him a new, rugged allure. There was something else too. His nose was thicker through the bridge than I remembered. It had been broken and set badly or not at all. His left brow was split at the center, a jagged line running through the dark hair. That was what broke my hesitation. I reached up and smoothed the line of his brow with my thumb. He flinched when I did it, but let me.

He was real, flesh and bone. He didn’t vanish when I touched him. His hand came up, his fingers encircled my wrist. He brought my hand against his chest. I could feel his strong heart beating a little too fast, just like my own.

“Did you give as good as you got?” I smiled as tears welled in the corner of my eyes.
No. This can’t touch me. Not anymore
.

Dex smiled back and it nearly undid me. I had forgotten that. How his full, bright smile could make me literally weak in the knees.

“That happened a long time ago, Angel.”

I should have said don’t. Don’t call me that. Don’t look at me like that. We aren’t the same people. This isn’t the same. You can’t go back. Instead, my body answered when my brain should have. Before I knew what was happening, I arched up on my toes and tilted my head. Dex searched my face for just an instant, and then he brought his lips to mine and reason, rational thought and time seemed to fly away.

This. Just like this. I’d dreamed of it too. Dex kissed me slow and soft. Never rushed or frenzied. He knew how to draw me in and keep me there until I could barely tell where he started and I began. And that I knew was the dangerous part about all of this.

I’m not the same. I can’t go back.

When he finally drew back he had his arm around me. He still held my hand against his chest, he had his other hand at the small of my back. He was tender and gentle and I wanted so much more. He pressed his cheek against my temple.

“God,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, Ava.”

“Dex.” My heart was like a jackhammer in my chest. Something welled deep inside me and threatened to bubble to the surface. It was like hope and desperation all rolled into one. I couldn’t breathe. My emotions warred with each other. He felt so good, so strong. And it hurt. All the pain and sadness, the longing I’d felt for him. I couldn’t let myself feel it.

But when Dex pressed himself against me, it shocked me how well trained my body still was for him. God. I
wanted
. Somehow, we were backed against the conference table. He set me on it. I brought my hands up and threaded them through his thick hair. Oh, how I’d missed the feel of him. His hands were everywhere. He touched my face, ran his fingers across the curve of my shoulder, kissed the column of my throat. Then he was on his knees in front of me, burying his head in my lap. I folded myself over him, running my hand down the smooth leather of his jacket over solid muscle. He trembled beneath my touch.

“Dex,” I said again. He looked up at me and the longing in his eyes shattered me into a thousand pieces. My legs parted. Heat pooled at the juncture of my thighs. Oh God. He had barely even touched me and I could already feel myself growing wet for him. Thirteen years and what seemed like a hundred lifetimes and yet he still affected me this way.

His hands cupped my ass and he held me tight. Only my jeans kept me from teetering over the edge of something I knew I couldn’t control. Had I worn a skirt, he would have already buried himself between my legs and I wouldn’t have had the strength to stop. As it was, all he had to do was press his thumb against my jeans and I knew he’d be able to tell how much I wanted him. He would know I was soaked for him.

Slowly, he rose. I parted my legs and he came to stand between them. His eyes held a question.
Do you want me to stop?

The answer was yes. And God no. He would ruin me all over again if I didn’t come to my senses.

“Dex.” It was all I could say and it came out as a whisper. Just that one word. Just his name and what he must have seen in my eyes. He cocked his head and gave me one last, devastating smile. Then he stiffened, straightened to his full height and took two steps away from me. “I can’t do this.” My brain, my words seemed disconnected from my body. Like I was drunk and yet some corner of my brain could still reason and warn me against danger. But if I took one more drink, let him touch me one more time, I’d be lost.

“It’s all right, Angel. I know. I know.”

Then he turned, walked out of the room and closed the door softly behind him. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, just like it did thirteen years ago.

Chapter Six

Dex

I stood with my back against the door and Ava on the other side of it for a few seconds before I could bring myself to walk away. I shouldn’t have touched her. The minute I saw her, I should have fucking walked out of the bar and kept on going. I was an asshole. I wasn’t the same person I was before I went inside and of course she wasn’t either. We were strangers. And yet, when I kissed her, when she ran her hands through my hair, it was like all that time had never happened. She wanted me just as badly.

“How ’bout we take a ride?”

Sly walked across the bar and stopped in front of me. He cocked his head and pursed his lips together. Then he reached out and squeezed my arm. I nodded. Sly jerked his chin toward Billy at the other end of the bar as we walked past.

“Can you make sure she’s okay?” He pointed his thumb back toward the office where Ava waited.

Billy’s eyes darted from Sly to me and back again but he nodded. “Sure thing, Prez.”

Sly had his arm around my shoulders and the two of us walked out of the bar together. I grabbed my helmet off the seat of my Harley and Sly mounted his next to me. We didn’t say another word to each other. We didn’t have to. I knew exactly where we were going and it was about damn time.

We rode fast and hard, chasing the last blazing pink band of sunlight. It felt so damn good to feel the wind in my face and the roar of my engine under me. How I’d survived all those years without this, I don’t know. I knew in that instant that, no matter what, I’d never let anyone take my freedom away from me again. I’d die first if it came to it. Maybe I should have died back then. As good as it felt to be out here, pain shot through my heart in the space where Ava used to be. I’d shut it off, or tried to. I never should have touched her. Not today and not back then. All I ever did was bring her pain.

I pulled alongside Sly as we headed out of town, past the ranches and veered off the paved roads onto the dirt path that led to the bluff. This was our path. Our territory. Our sanctuary. We crested the hill and cut our engines when we reached the top.

This was Green Bluff. The cliff jutted out over a deep green valley cut from the Great Wolf River below it. The air was cool and clear, the scent of pine and a hint of sulfur filled my nostrils as I took in a great breath. Sly left his bike and came to stand on the edge of the cliff. The place worked on him like it did me. We drew our strength from it. It’s where each of us hoped to die if we had any choice about it—taking that last hill at top speed and arcing over the cliff into the valley below. We dreamed about it, but as far as I knew, none of my brothers had ever yet gotten the chance to try it. My dad’s ashes were down there somewhere. Blackie Murphy’s too.

I dismounted and walked over to Sly, looking out at the valley below. A minute later, the sun sank behind the ridge, leaving us in darkness except for the flood of Sly’s headlight.

“You want to tell me how that went?” Sly asked.

I held my helmet in my left hand and tapped it against my thigh. “That didn’t go how I planned it. I guess maybe I didn’t plan it at all. I more or less mauled her.”

Sly shook his head, rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “She slug you, kick you in the sack?”

“Shit,” I said. “I think it would have been easier if she had.” I didn’t want to elaborate. Didn’t want to relive those last few minutes when I came so close to going over the edge with Ava. I thought I’d be able to control myself around her. It had just been so damn long since I held her ... held any woman.

“I’m sorry, man. It wrecked that girl for a little while when you went in. You already know that. She survived you once. Can you really blame her for not wanting to do it again?”

“You took care of her?” I finally said.

Sly nodded. “Of course. To the extent she’d let me.”

My smile was genuine when Sly turned to look at me. “So she hasn’t really changed.”

Sly’s face darkened. It was the same expression I’d been getting from him and too many of the other members ever since I got back. It made my heart sink. Back at the bar, after I’d freaked seeing Ava in Sly’s arms, he talked sense into me. They were friends. She’d just found out I was back. He swore on my mother’s soul there was nothing more between them and I believed him. Of course I did. Still, he was holding something back. About Ava and something else. I was damn sick of it.

“Brother,” I started. “You’re going to have to stop trying to protect me from whatever the hell it is that’s making your face fall like that.”

Sly smiled. “Ava’s special. And I’ve honored what you asked of me. If the two of you decide to get to know each other again that’s between the two of you. I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”

“Is she with someone? Is she married?” I hadn’t intended to ask that. It just came out. A knife twisted in my gut as soon as I said it. I realized I didn’t really want to know the answer. Damn. I could still smell her perfume on me. I could still feel her soft lips against mine.

Sly shook his head and slugged me in the arm. “She never got married. She’d be the one to ask about whether she’s with anyone. She’s dated over the years. She might have even fallen in love again. That shit is her business, Dex. Ask her. If she’s willing to let you in, she will. But I’m gonna tell you. I care about Ava. She’s become like a little sister. Don’t jerk her around. She’s been through enough hell of her own since you left.”

I wanted to know everything. I wanted to wring every detail out of Sly. But I knew it wouldn’t be fair to either one of them. Ava had gone on with her life, just like I told her to. I put Sly in her path to keep her safe. I was an asshole, but not a big enough one to hold it against him now or make him breach some trust he had with her.

“I really want to focus on the present and the future, Sly. I’m going to drive off this fucking cliff here if I have to spend another second thinking about everything I’ve missed.”

“Good,” Sly answered. “I need you, man. Now more than ever.”

I raised a brow. Here was the conversation I’d been hoping to have ever since I got back. I needed to know where I would fit in with the club now. The last thing I wanted to do was step on anybody’s territory, but I’d done my time. I’d protected the club. Certain things I’d earned.

“What did you think of the gym?” Sly asked.

I whistled low and shook my head. “I can’t believe you did it. I can’t believe how big it is. Billy said you’ve got eight of them all across the country?”

Sly nodded. “We’re building a ninth and tenth next year too. We can sit down and look at the books tomorrow. I need your head. I’m trying to pull it together to sponsor a tournament. Working with the 21FC has its pitfalls and I need a partner. Sawyer and Colt are my road men. They travel to the fights when I can’t. Billy’s good with the fighters. He’s good with the day-to-day operations. But he doesn’t have a head for the bigger picture of things. That’s where I need you.”

I raised a skeptical brow. “You planning on asking him to step down as V.P.?” It hadn’t occurred to me until now that this was where Sly’s head might be. It would also explain some of the looks I got from Billy today when I asked questions about the business.

Sly’s face was grim but he nodded. “Not right away. I think there needs to be a transition period. Billy’s smart, but he’s got an ego. I want to be careful how I handle it. Everyone in the club pretty much knows this is the natural order of things now that you’re back. But we gotta play it smart.”