Devoted (7 page)

CHAPTER 15

Bella

I am literally shaking as I descend the staircase. With each step I take, the panic in my chest rises, making it harder to breathe. When I finally reach the bottom step, I pause. Closing my eyes, I focus on the laughter that erupts from within the main room, and slowly my fear begins to disappear.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I’m safe here. I know this, yet I’m still afraid. My nightmare has ended, I remind myself. Rattletop is no more. Inhaling deeply, I open my eyes, determined to go through with this and start moving on with my life.

Slowly I push myself forward until I am standing in the doorway. The room is crowded, twenty or so people scattering the area with plates piled high with food.

Gathering every ounce of strength within me, I make my way towards the large kitchen area, grateful when I see Jade leaning against the large counter.

“You’re such a fuckin’ pig,” she laughs, looking at the plate in Maze’s hand.

“Hey, I’m a growing boy,” he retorts.

“Yeah, you’re growing all right,” she giggles, patting his round belly.

“You sayin’ I’m fat?” Maze asks in an all too serious tone.

“Yeah lard ass, she is. So how about saving some for the rest of us?” Viper pipes in, coming to stand beside his wife.

“Fine,” Maze mutters, jutting his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout. “But just to set the record straight, I ain’t the only fucker who’s put on a few pounds around here,” he says, eying the rest of the men in the room.

“I’d say it’s more than just a few pounds.”

I startle at the sound of Blake’s voice, a low squeal escaping my throat, and suddenly all eyes are on me. A blush creeps upon my face as I lower my head. Quickly I turn, the need to escape overpowering me. I barely make it to the base of the stairway when I hear Blake’s voice calling from behind me.

“Bella! Where are you going?” he asks, his voice getting closer.

I want to run and hide but know that’s not an option, at least not here. Turning around abruptly, I crash into Blake’s chest.

“Hey,” he murmurs, his hands gently steadying me. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” I lie, stepping back from his hold.

“So why are you leaving?”

“I’m not.” Another lie. I seem to be on a roll. “I just forgot something in my room,” I add, turning towards the steps.

As I scramble up the staircase, I can hear him following behind me, making me feel even more uneasy. When I reach the closed door to my room, I turn to face him. “Why are you following me?”

“Because…” his voice trails off. “I don’t know why,” Blake smiles and in that instant everything changes. All fear is suddenly whisked away as I stare up into his steely gray eyes, replaced by a calm I haven’t felt in many years. “Are you smiling?” he asks, happiness flaring in his eyes.

For the first time in forever, I feel my lips stretch into a full-fledged grin. It’s almost a foreign feeling, something I didn’t know I was capable of anymore, yet the soreness in my cheeks is proof that this is real. It is in this moment that I realize part of me did survive, despite everything I went through.

“I guess I am,” I shrug, feeling more relaxed than I have been in a very long time. I stand there motionless, incapable of speech or thought as I stare into eyes as gray as the ash from a dying fire.

Blake is the complete opposite of the friends I once had. Instinct has been telling me to steer clear of him, yet the more I am around him, the more I am drawn in. There’s something hidden within his eyes that I can’t help but trust.

“You know, I’m getting kinda hungry,” Blake says, bringing me back to reality.

“Guess we better head down then.” All trepidation I felt only moments before completely dissipates as we make our way downstairs, the smile that is adhered to my face proof that my past will someday become a distant memory.

*****

“Mom must really like you,” Blake says, eying the large piece of cake piled on my plate before turning his attention back to the small piece Jade handed him. “Wanna trade?”

“Nope,” I giggle, shoving my mouthful of the dessert. It’s been a long time since I’ve had cake. “But I’ll share,” I add, passing my plate over to him.

“Ah… you do have a heart,” he grins, digging in. “So since it’s just you and me, why don’t we get to know each other a little better,” he says around a mouthful of cake.

I instantly freeze, unable to hide the distressed look on my face. I knew this was too good to be true. He wants to know about my past and I’m not ready for that. I probably never will be.

“Chocolate or vanilla?”

“What?” I breathe, his question catching me off guard.

“Ice cream. Personally, I’ve always liked strawberry. Not that crappy pink colored stuff that supposedly tastes like strawberry. I’m talking about the good stuff – vanilla ice cream with swirls of real strawberry in it.”

“Um… I guess chocolate,” I mumble, giving him a strange look.

“How about cake?”

“Yellow,” I smile. “With chocolate frosting.”

“Ah… a woman after my own heart.  Chicken or steak?”

“Steak. Why are we talking about food?”

“Because,” he begins, his eyes softening. “It’s harmless.”

Returning his smile, I lean back in the chair and relax. I had Blake Andrews pegged all wrong. “Cookies? Chocolate Chip or Peanut Butter?”

“Now you’re talking,” he grins. “I’ll take both.”

The next two hours are spent discussing some of our favorite things. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt more at ease. There’s more to Blake Andrews than meets the eye and I suddenly can’t wait to get to know that part of him.

CHAPTER 16

Blake

“So, what kind of music do you listen to?”

“Uh, I don’t really listen to a lot of music,” Bella says, her fork hovering in front of her mouth. She looks more than a little uncomfortable, especially with Bethany’s constant barrage of questions.

“Will you let the girl eat,” I say, shaking my head at my sister. It’s taken months of unyielding invitations for Bella to finally agree to have dinner at our house and Bethany isn’t making the transition easy for her. I really can’t blame her. Bethany knows nothing about Bella’s history. She’s just as much in the dark about what happened to her as she is about our mother. There is a naiveté present that I honestly envy. I was once in the dark as well and at times I wish I could go back to the way things used to be.

“I’m just trying to make conversation,” Bethany snaps. “More than I can say for you.”

“How can I get a word in edgewise when you won’t shut the fuck up?”

Bethany says nothing, opting to narrow her eyes at me before sticking her tongue out.

Rolling my eyes at her, I quickly turn my focus back to Bethany. “Sorry. My sister hasn’t learned the fine art of shutting the fuck up.”

“It’s fine,” she smiles before quickly shoving a forkful of pasta in her mouth while she has the chance.

“What about movies?” Bethany suddenly blurts out, taking Bella’s words to heart.

“Um… I haven’t been to the movies in a long time,” she replies, a blush creeping up on her face.

“Well what do you do for fun then?”

“I… uh, I go… I um…” Bella’s face turns a deeper shade of red as she stumbles over her own words.

“Will you stop with the fifty questions?!” I bark, causing both Bella and Bethany to startle. “Give the girl a chance to eat her dinner,” I add, my tone softening.

“Everything OK out here?” Dad asks, sneaking up on us.

“Yes sir,” Bella answers in an almost inaudible whisper.

Looking over at Bella and then me, he nods his head in understanding before turning his focus to Bethany. “Your dad and Paige are fixin’ to head out. Why don’t you go say goodbye.”

I breathe a sigh of relief when Bethany rises from the table. I know my sister doesn’t mean anything by it, but her interrogation of Bella is doing more harm than good. I make a mental note to have a word with her later.

“And you,” I cringe at my father’s tone. “Your mom could use some help with the dishes.”

Turning up my nose, I stand. “Fine, but if I’m not back in an hour you better send in a search party,” I say, smiling over at Bella who shyly returns my grin.

As I make my way inside, my thoughts are only of Bella. She’s broken, I can see it in her eyes and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. It’s not because I haven’t tried. Bella’s actually started opening up to me, but when it comes to her past, she clams up.

“Ah, so your dad suckered you into helping me,” Mom giggles as soon as I enter the kitchen. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

“What’s that?” I ask, my mind elsewhere.

“Your dad. He was supposed to help with the dishes,” she says, the smile disappearing from her face. “You OK?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Reaching out, I grab the dish towel and begin drying the dishes she’s set out.

“Did something happen?”

“Not really,” I start. I know I’m going to regret asking this, but I need to know. “Do you know what happened to Bella? I mean besides the obvious.”

“I don’t know any of the details,” she replies, her brow furrowing. “I just know it wasn’t good.”

“She hasn’t opened up to you?” As much time as Bella spends with my mom, I had assumed that she had.

“I’ve tried to get her to talk about it,” she shrugs. “But it’s hard opening up about something like that.”

“But you did,” I point out.

“Not willingly and not in the beginning. Your dad had a hand in that,” she says in all seriousness. “I wanted to forget and that’s what Bella’s trying to do.”

“So how do we help her?”

She draws in a deep breath and slowly releases it. “She needs someone she can trust who’s willing to break through that wall she’s built around her. Together, they have to face her demons.”

“Is that what dad did for you?”

A smile forms in the corner of her mouth as she nods. “He saved me,” she murmurs. “But I’m one of the lucky ones. I had family. They were all there for me.”

“What about Bella’s mom?”

Shaking her head, she looks up at me with sad eyes. “We haven’t been able to locate her yet.”

“So we’ll just become her family,” I say in a matter of fact tone. Family isn’t about blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs – who accept you for who you are and will be there for you after everyone else has bailed.

“Yeah, we will,” she grins, returning her attention to the pile of dishes aligning the countertop.

We finish the dishes in silence, neither of us uttering a single word. When the last plate is dried and put away, only then does she speak again.

“Reliving those moments can destroy a person. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t make it easier, but it eliminates some of the shame. If no one knows what happened to you, no one can look down on you.”

“But no one would,” I say, giving her a perplexed look.

“No matter the circumstance, you always think you could’ve done something different. You analyze every event and start to blame yourself for everything they did to you. I could’ve fought harder. I should’ve done this or that. In the end, those thoughts can be more damaging than the actual trauma because you actually start to believe them.”

Shaking my head, I try to grasp my head around her words. “So you’re saying Bella was brainwashed?”

“In a sense, yes. When you hear the same thing enough times, eventually you start to believe it,” she explains. “The physical wounds eventually heal, but the mental scars always remain. How we perceive those scars is what makes us either a victim or a survivor.” Her words are a mere whisper, but the message is perfectly clear.

With pain comes strength. With strength comes peace, but only when you choose not to allow your past to control your present can you move on. That’s what Bella needs. Silently I make a vow to be by her side every step of the way.